Finding My Way (13 page)

Sterling clears his throat causing me to stiffen. I was so close, yet still couldn’t get out of here before he decided that today of all days he would talk to me. Mason and I are taking the girls camping for a week. Next Monday we leave for the University of Texas and won’t see them for a few weeks. I’ve already looked at our game schedule to figure out when I can sneak back to see Josie. Even if I can only see her for a few hours, the drive will be worth it. I also have to find a way to get her to campus for a weekend. The college football season is much longer than high school and there’s definitely no way I’m going the whole time without seeing my girl.

I adjust the tote in front of me simply because I don’t want to turn around. I have nothing to say to him.

“I thought we could talk.” I ignore him and move to the side of my truck and start tying down the tarp. I was going to do this when I stopped at Josie’s, but right now the distraction affords me the opportunity to zone him out. “Son.” I stop and raise my eyes slowly to meet his. He looks like he’s aged at least ten years since we went on the college visits.

“You lost the right to call me son a long time ago,” I inform him through gritted teeth. I pull on the rope and thread it through the side of my truck.

“We should talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about and I’m going to be late.”

“Look, you’re leaving soon—”

“So what, this is your “let’s make amends for being a douche” moment?” I state, not making eye contact with him. “I’m not interested in anything you or your wife has to say.”

“She’s your mother.”

My actions are so fast they surprise me. I’m in front of Sterling with my finger in his face. “She’s not my mother any more than you’re my father. Parents don’t treat their children like scum and that’s what you do. You couldn’t even be bothered to show up for my graduation. My high school graduation for God sakes. Who misses their child’s graduation?” I shake my head. “The time for you to be parents is over. I’m leaving in a week.”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

I scoff. “Whatever. I’m going to be late.”

“Five minutes.” I roll my eyes and start working on the other side of my truck to tie down the tarp. “Your mother and I decided we’ve been wrong and we’re going to make it up to you.”

“No thanks.” I finish doing all I can on my truck. I’m out of avoidance tactics. I look at him for the first time in a long time and notice that he’s aged since that fateful day in February. I shake my head as I look down at the ground and kick an imaginary rock. I wish things were different – that he was more like Mason’s dad – but he’s not. I should’ve swallowed that knowledge long ago, that I’d never have the kind of father most kids dream about. He’s about structure and social status.

Sterling sighs. “We’ll financially support you while you’re away at college as long as you maintain your GPA and position on the team. I’m not thrilled with your choice of college, but what’s done is done. If you thrive, like I know you can, you’ll be in the NFL draft in four years.”

He makes me want to yell and pound my fist into my truck. They’re going to support me… financially. But when I need the emotional support they’re nowhere to be found. It’s a little too late for him to come at me with this now.

“Whatever,” I say again as I hop in my truck and start it. I don’t look in the rear view mirror as I’m pulling out of the driveway to see if he’s watching. I can’t bring myself to care.

“W
hat if a bear comes and tries to eat me?” I roll my eyes and shake my head slightly at her remark.

“Seriously Josie, a bear isn’t going to come around here. He’ll hear you and Katelyn complaining all the time and think better of it.”

Josie hits me, causing me to laugh. The drive here all she did was talk
what if’s
and it doesn’t matter how must assurance I gave her, she’s still scared.

I pound the last stake into the ground and pull her into my arms. Tonight, and for the next five nights, we’ll be in each other’s arms. No parents, no curfew, no rules. It sounds just about perfect.

“You’ll be fine, I’m here,” I reassure her, pecking her on the nose. I pull her hand into mine and walk the short path back to our campground. There are four chairs set up around the fire pit and a fire is already going.

I go to the cooler and pull out a beer, taking one of the seats. I twist the top, throw it into the burning flames and watch the metal change colors. Josie moves her chair closer to me, putting her arm through mine and resting her head on my shoulder. Katelyn and Mason sit down opposite us and mirror our positions.

“I can’t believe this is it. Our last hurrah,” I say, pointing my bottle toward Mason as a nod to what’s about to come for us.

“I’m going to miss you,” Josie whispers in my ear. I notice Katelyn looking at Mason like she’s hiding something and truth be told, they haven’t spent much time with us this summer. It makes me wonder if they’re pregnant. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s been asking her to marry him for a while now. It would suck though.

Mason clears his throat and kicks the dirt in front of him. He’s looking everywhere but at me and I’m not sure what to think.

“What’s up, man?” I ask, as I empty my bottle. I set it on the ground and place my hand on Josie’s leg. My thumb rubs circles on her thigh.

Mason shrugs. “I have something to tell you.”

Josie’s grip on my arm gets a little tighter as I adjust in my seat. What on earth could he possibly need to tell me in the middle of the forest? “What’s up?”

He looks at Katelyn who nods and kisses him on the shoulder. When Mason looks back at me, he’s not making eye contact. Whatever he’s about to tell me is bad, but unless he’s told me that he’s slept with my girl, it can’t be that bad.

“I’ve decided to stay and go to school with Katelyn.”

I stiffen. I take everything back. This is right up there with sleeping my girl. “What do you mean?” It’s a stupid question. I know what he means.

“I don’t want to leave Katelyn.”

“So you just…” I have to close my eyes and count to ten. I lean forward and Josie starts to rub my back. “Did you know?” I ask her, quietly. She shakes her head. There are tears in her eyes and for the life of me I can’t understand why. Are they for me or for the friendship I’ve shared with Mason?

“Liam –”

I hold my hand up, not ready to hear what he has to say. My eyes burn an imaginary hole into the ground. I’m biting my lips so hard I can taste the iron seeping into my mouth. He’s not going and I am. Everything I’ve done, every decision I’ve made has been for nothing.

“I chose the University of Texas because of you and now you’re not going?” My voice is sharp, the anger rushing forward. I can’t hold it back.

“I’m in love.” His answer is weak and not good enough.

“And you don’t think I am? I was going to ask Josie to go to school with me until you told me about Texas. I had an offer from them and thought you’d appreciate us playing together. I wanted to take her out of Beaumont and never return, but didn’t ask her because I didn’t want Katelyn to be alone.”

“Thanks –”

“Just stop, both of you. Why couldn’t you tell me this before we got here? Afraid I’d bail?”

I stand and stare down my friend, who right now I wish wasn’t my friend. He’s someone who has just turned my last camping trip into a fucking nightmare. I’m stuck here for five days with him when all I want to do is fucking leave.

“Liam –”

“What, Mason? What on earth do you have to say? Is it that you didn’t want me to go to college with you? Because if that’s the case you should’ve fucking said something when you barged into my hotel room. Do you really think I want to go to Texas? Fuck no. I did it for you, so you wouldn’t be alone because you kept going on and on about your damn scholarship and I thought if I were there to help and support you, things would be okay. Boy was I fucking wrong.” I grab my hair and pull it, letting out a loud yell. I bend over and try to catch my breath. I want to fucking cry I’m so frustrated. I feel Josie’s hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Unfortunately it’s not going to work, not this time.

“And to think I could’ve had a decent fucking home life these past few months had I chosen the right school, but who the hell gives a shit about that?”

I kick my chair into the fire, startling Josie. I glance in her direction before heading off into the woods. There’s nothing they can say, what’s done is done. I was stupid for trying to do what’s right for my friend when I should’ve just thought about myself. Josie and I could be packing and getting ready for school, instead we’re getting ready to say goodbye. She’ll be with her friends and I’ll be alone.

Just the way Sterling prefers it.

Chapter 22

I
hold Josie in my arms. I know she’s trying not to cry but her tears dampen my shirt. I don’t push her away. My bags are packed and strapped down in the back of my truck. The next stop is the University of Texas. We’ve had a rough week and it definitely hasn’t gone like we had planned. They say plans are supposed to change. I don’t know who
they
are but their theory is spot on.

My dad got wind of Mason backing out of his scholarship and did everything he could to get me into one of the five I had shortlisted, but he couldn’t. I was actually thankful for his attempt and it was nice to see him step up, but in the end it was all for nothing. He’s disappointed in me and so am I. I’m off to a college that I don’t really want to be at and it’s my own fault for putting others in front of me. Sterling’s incredibly selfish and says I need to learn to be this way too.

The sun is rising over the valley now. We’ve been out here for an hour or so. I’m not supposed to leave until tomorrow, but there’s a party tonight at the tower and I can’t bring myself to be there. I thought it best, under the circumstances that I leave early. I can take my time and maybe figure out my life while I’m driving solo on the highway.

I bury my nose in Josie’s hair, determined not to forget what she smells like. I don’t care if I’m going to be gone for a day, a week or a month. I need to make sure every sense that I have has her memorized. I’m kicking myself for leaving her behind but she hasn’t asked if she can come, which tells me that she wants to stay and go to school with Katelyn. That’s what girls do, they go to school with their girlfriends and join sororities and do girly shit. She wouldn’t have fun in Texas. She wouldn’t know anyone and she’d spend most of her time waiting for me to be done with football. That’s no way to start your college education. I need her to be happy. If she’s happy, I’m happy… even though I’m not.

“I’m going to miss this,” I say into her hair. My throat is tight. It’s painful to speak. I’m fighting back the tears that are threatening my manly existence. She’s never seen me cry, even while we were camping. I held it in. I couldn’t do it even though I wanted to unleash a fury on everything around me. Instead, I let her hold me. Console me. I berated her when she apologized. This wasn’t her fault. It was mine and mine alone. I tried to do what I felt was right.

“I wish things were different, Jojo.”

She clutches my shirt in her hands as she pulls me closer. “How so?”

“I wish you were going with me or we had chosen a school together.”

“Me too,” she whispers, breaking another piece of my already crumbling heart. Everything could’ve been so different and it should’ve been.

I have to squint when the sun comes up. It’s going to be a hot day in Beaumont and that means I’ll miss my girl in her bikini lounging by Katelyn’s pool. We didn’t do nearly half the stuff I wanted to and now that I think about it, it all seems so trivial and mundane. I should’ve taken us on a trip across country, just the open road and us. We had nothing holding us back in Beaumont, at least nothing that couldn’t wait.

Instead we’re sitting in my truck with the sun telling me it’s time to go and say goodbye. In a few days, I’ll be busting my balls in the hot Texas sun, trying to impress a coach who hasn’t spoken to me since I said I was going there. Maybe it’s a sign. If it is, I don’t have a fucking clue what it means.

The next song on my mixed tape starts to play. I try not to let on my excitement, but it’s there, sitting on the edge ready to burst out. Josie shifts in my arms and I know this is it. She’s going to tell me that she loves this song. I can feel it.

“Who’s singing?”

I wrap my arm around her a little tighter and nuzzle her ear. “Me.” I listen to the words that I wrote her play out over the speakers.

Can’t take my eyes off of you

I’m a man that’s speakin’ the truth

This love could make mountains move

Hope you feel the same way I do

I wanna be holdin’ you

When the dawn is breakin’ through

As yesterday fades with the moon

And forever fills up this room

I wanna wake up with you

I wait for her to say something, to acknowledge what I’m doing on the stereo, but she doesn’t. She holds me the same way as she did before the song came on. I can’t win for trying here and I don’t know how to get through to her. Right now, there’s no point in prolonging the inevitable.

“How did you get your song on there?”

I lean back into the seat and pull her a little closer. This is the first time she’s asked and maybe I can find a way to express myself a little better now. “It’s a crappy recording, but the player did an okay job.”

Josie leans into me and I use this moment to remember the scent of her hair.

“You’re going to move mountains at Texas, Liam. You’ll break all their records and win the Heisman.” Her fingers rub up and down along my t-shirt, giving me the chills.

“There’s more to life than football, Jojo.”

She chuckles. “Sure there is.”

There could be, I want to add, but she’s right. My path is football and she’ll follow me no matter what. It’s what we agreed to do a year ago when we laid out under the stars in the bed of my truck. The American Dream and I’m at the helm.