Finding Us (Finding #2) (13 page)

“Nah Pops. It’s not school.”

“Everything ok with Maggie? If it’s not, you need to apologize no matter what it is.” He laughed at his own joke.

I shook my head. “Not Maggie. We’re great.”

“Ok. Then you’re going to have to give me a hint, son.”

“Grady asked me to go on tour with his band. He’s been asked to open for another band, a big band, and he wants me to go.”

“And?”

“And what? Him going depends on me saying yes. I have school and Maggie here. I can’t just up and leave for a few weeks to go on tour.”

He leaned back in his chair preparing to unleash his fatherly wisdom on me. I was sure he was going to tell me I was right, that I couldn’t just leave my life here, but I wasn’t sure that’s what I wanted to hear.

“Why not? Maggie will be here when you get back. Law school doesn’t go away. You know what you only get one shot at? A career in music. I know. Your mom gave up a lot so she could play. She said she could live without almost anything, but music was the one thing she couldn’t go a day without. I think you feel the same way. Always have. If you have a chance at making a career out of what you love, then who you love will understand, and to hell with law school. It’ll be here when your time is up.”

“Seriously Pops?” I asked surprised.

His lack of expression showed me he wasn’t kidding. “Seriously Parker. What did you think I’d say? I’m not a math professor because it was my back-up plan. I teach math because I love solving complex problems. I enjoy teaching young folks how to approach a problem and solve it with precision. I love my job. You should too.”

“Yeah. I know, but…”

“No buts. Talk to Maggie. She’ll understand.”

I wasn’t sure about Maggie understanding, but everything else Pops said was right on. I texted Grady after talking to Pops and told him I was in. He replied with a slightly enthusiastic and wildly inappropriate response. I would have laughed had I not been dreading the conversation I had to face with Maggie that night.

I knew the guilt would eat at me, and once I told Maggie, I would feel torn again. I thought by telling Grady, it would make me feel more certain of my decision no matter what Maggie threw at me.

Call me a procrastinator, but I tried to hang out with Pops and Preston as long as I could that day. Maggie didn’t mind. She never minded hanging out with my family because it was a breath of fresh air compared to spending time with hers. She always told me that we felt normal. I don’t know how normal we were considering we were just trying to get by every day since my mom passed, but it felt normal to her. I loved seeing her happy, so I always made sure to play nice with Pops and Preston even though they drove me crazy most of the time. They’re family, you know. Families drive each other crazy in that “I love you but want to kill you sometimes” kind of way.

Eventually my time was up. It was time to tell Maggie.

Maggie

The day Parker had to make a decision about the tour we spent with Dr. Pryce and Preston. I knew Parker was avoiding the decision. He was putting it off like I would be doing if I thought it was something that could hurt him.

My head kept telling me that it was only two weeks, and I should encourage him to go. On the other hand my heart wouldn’t stop pounding thinking about what could happen in two weeks. Touring with a band would change his life. I didn’t need to be able to look in a crystal ball to see that. My heart felt certain of it. Our relationship being rocky for the last few months didn’t help build my confidence either.

Silence screamed discomfort the moment we were alone after spending the day with Dr. Pryce and Preston. I knew it was time to talk, so did he, but neither of us wanted to start the conversation. We pranced around the house cleaning up clutter that wasn’t really in the way. I started a load of laundry. He started a load of dishes and took out the trash. Finally there was nothing else to be done. As usual I tried to seek comfort in my books, so I pulled out my laptop and law books to get some work done. We were both stubborn, but this time he knew I wouldn’t be the one to start the conversation. He was the one with the decision, not me, so when he finally spoke, I was surprised by what he said.

“I already told Grady my decision,” he blurted out as if he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I stopped unpacking my books and looked up at him. He was gripping the kitchen chair opposite me with such intensity that his knuckles were white. “Oh?” I said. That’s really all that would come out. This whole time I thought he was thinking about what to do, but he wasn’t. He was trying to decide how to tell me. If he was avoiding telling me, then I already knew his decision. Parker wouldn’t have been worried about telling me he wasn’t going. He would have dreaded telling Grady that. That meant he was leaving me. Parker would be leaving me in just a few days.

“Yeah. I sent him a message after talking to Pops.”

“Hmm…” I went back to pulling out my books.

“Maggie…”

I didn’t respond. At this point I was focusing on everything but him just to keep my emotions in check. I didn’t want to be selfish. I wanted to be excited for him. I knew this was a great opportunity for him to go and live the dream, but like always, stupid Maggie Miller could only
feel
what her overly sensitive heart wanted her to feel. Fortunately I had years of practice keeping my emotions in check. Unfortunately Parker had always been the one who made me lose all control over them.

“Maggie. Look at me.” He was standing next to me now, so close. When I didn’t stop messing with my books, he wrapped his hands around my upper arms and turned me towards him. I stared at his chest. He had a little spot on his shirt where he dropped a bite of barbecue at lunch. Preston had said something that made Parker glare at him. During the angry glare, Parker’s fork had remained suspended in the air long enough for the pork to drop off the end and land on his shirt leaving a small red spot. I touched it thinking it would stain if I didn’t get it in the wash soon; anything to distract me from what I knew was coming.

“Babe,” he tried this time. I closed my eyes and willed the tears to stay in their ducts. I had never had a pet name until him. He called me “babe” or “baby” or “pretty girl” all the time. I knew some girls hated pet names, but it made me feel special. It made me feel like I was his.

Finally he stopped trying to get me to look at him on my own and tilted my chin up instead. “Open your eyes and look at me,” he whispered. This time I did, and I saw every emotion I was trying to tame reflected back at me in his dark eyes. “You know I’m coming right back to you. Time will go by quickly, and you’ll be in my arms for Christmas.

I knew he believed it, but something told me differently. I could feel it in my bones. Parker’s life was about to take off, and that meant everything I loved about being with Parker was about to change.

Maggie

Parker had been gone a week when I decided I would go home early. The house was spotless. I had read everything I was supposed to read before my first class in January and was out of things to do. I had worked out everyday and tried new recipes that I shared with Dr. Pryce and Preston, but I needed to find something else to do. I was turning into the pathetic girl who counted the hours until her boyfriend called and replayed his far more exciting day over the phone. I, on the other hand, had to make up things to say because I had absolutely nothing to contribute to our conversations. I wasn’t going to give up a moment of time with him though, so I kept him talking until the bus was too loud or he was falling asleep.

Max was busy that whole week finishing up projects at work. Becca was too unfortunately. They were leaving to go to Becca’s parents’ house for the week leading up to Christmas for some extra wedding planning, which meant no time for lonely Maggie. Even Ivy had taken off right after exams. I was truly going to be alone in the city in a matter of days, so when Daddy suggested I come home early because he didn’t like me being in the house alone, I accepted.

My mother was busy shopping, and I avoided her like the plague. There was no way I was subjecting myself to a day of shopping with her when I already was feeling so iffy about life. Even though I avoided her during the day, Daddy preferred dinner as a family at night, so I was forced to sit through at least one meal a day with the woman who single-handedly made me feel like the ugliest girl in the world growing up. What was strange was how nice she was being though. It was like she realized how awful she was and was trying to make up for it. She even complimented me one night. Five years ago I would have thought that she was being the mother I had always wanted. Now I wondered what kind of tricks she had up her sleeve. After trying to get me away from my father so many times, I found it impossible to believe she suddenly had a change of heart or a change of medication either.

It was the night before I was supposed to pick Parker up from the airport when he called me from the bus. When my phone sang the lyrics of his familiar Bon Jovi ringtone, “It’s My Life,” I rushed to it like my life depended on his calls. Sadly, it sort of did.

“Hey!” I greeted.

“Hey baby, how are you?” He sounded tired like he always did after a show, but living on a bus with four other guys didn’t allow for restful sleep.

“I’m good. Have I told you lately that my mother is crazy? It’s official. She’s lost her mind.”

“Oh yeah? What did she do now?”

“She went shopping again today, but this time she brought me home a dress…in my size. She said she saw it and thought of me. It was actually cute, something I would actually wear by choice.”

Parker laughed a little. “I think you may be wrong about her. It sounds like she’s really trying.”

“Yeah. We’ll see. I still have another week here, but you’ll be here in two days to protect me when the dragon lady makes her appearance. How did the show go tonight?”

Suddenly there was a lot of noise on Parker’s end. It sounded like he was in a bar instead of a small tour bus with the guys. I could hear giggling and not from one of the guys in the band.

“Hang on, babe. The guys are having a little party. Let me move to the back.” I could hear the rustling of movement as he spoke, and then there was quiet. “The show was good. I know the fans are there for Last Chance, but they cheer like they are there for us as well.”

“That’s because you guys are amazing.”
How’s that for a supportive girlfriend?

“Yeah. I think it has more to do with the You Tube videos and the release of some of our songs on iTunes. It’s weird having that out there. The label even built Gray Matters fan site and Facebook page. Michelle, the PR girl, said we have over ten thousand followers on twitter now. It’s strange.”

“I guess it’s good they gave you a name then. I know y’all didn’t love it at first, but I kind of like how it fits your songs.”

“I guess.” Parker sounded down. He had been so upbeat each night, so I had been feeling like I needed to meet his enthusiasm, but tonight he sounded…different.

“What’s going on Parker? You sound miserable.”

“No. Not miserable, babe. I just have to something to tell you, and you aren’t gonna like it.”

“Ok…” I waited patiently as I sat on my bed gripping my pillow waiting for the bad news.

He let out a deep breath, and I could see him rubbing his hand through his hair like he did when he had to do something he didn’t want to do. Finally he spoke.

“They asked us to fly to LA tomorrow to record a full album. They want to start right away, so the band can get a few songs down before Last Chance does the East Coast leg of the tour.”

“They want you to continue on the tour?” I asked knowing I was ignoring the more immediate problem.

“Yeah. We’re doing well. The fans love us, and they want to bank on the immediate success of the band.”

“What about Alexis?” I asked trying anything to get my boyfriend back where I hoped he belonged.

“She opted to do a 90-day treatment. I talked to her this afternoon. She wants me to replace her…permanently.”

“So, you won’t be here for Christmas?”

“No, baby. I’m sorry. I won’t be there.”

There was a moment where we both said nothing. Then I let out a deep breath and asked the question I had been dreading since last summer when Parker started writing songs with Grady. “What about law school? Classes start in a couple of weeks. You won’t have the album done in time to come back.”

“I don’t know,” Parker snapped. “I haven’t figured it all out yet, Maggie. All I know is I’m getting to do what I love, what my mom and I both thought I was meant to do. I’m not ready to give it up. I shouldn’t have to either. I shouldn’t have to pick my dream or your dream. I think we can both have what we want out of life.”

His anger surprised me, but then I reminded myself that he was tired and sleeping on a tour bus. “I just want you, Parker,” I pleaded quietly.

“No. You don’t Maggie. You want me there with you to take care of you. You want me to hold your hand through law school and then get married and have the white picket fence. What if I’m not the white picket fence kind of guy, Maggie? What if I’m meant to be in a band and travel the world?”

I didn’t have an answer, but it didn’t matter anyway. If I spoke right then, he would have heard my tears and my fears and known my weaknesses. Thankfully, Billy, who had a squealing girl he was leading to the back of the bus, interrupted our call.

“Look, I gotta go. Billy wants the back of the bus, and it’s his night. I’ll call you when I know more.”

“Yeah,” was all I could get out before Parker ended the call.

I sat in my bed staring at the ceiling with tears running down my cheeks. I didn’t sob, but my hurt and fear came out with my tears. I would like to say the crying was cathartic, but the next morning I felt as if I drank a gallon of tequila the night before, and my emotions were at an all time high. While my head hurt and my mouth seemed like it was full of cotton, my heart felt like it had plummeted down to my stomach. I was going to get up and run in an attempt to process mine and Parker’s phone call the night before, but my body wasn’t up for it. Instead, I rolled over and went back to sleep, and that was where I remained until Daddy came to check on me just before dinner.

Parker

The morning after I told Maggie I wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas I woke up with a massive hangover and even more guilt. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with her, but I had been going over and over this in my head and I couldn’t put my dreams on hold because she was afraid. I had asked her last week to come out and see us, to travel a few days with us, but she said no. She said she wanted me to enjoy it and come home to her when it was time. Well, it wasn’t time yet.

The vibrating of my phone distracted me from my thoughts, and for a moment I hoped it was Maggie. If she were calling, then maybe she wasn’t mad at me, but I knew that wasn’t the case when I saw Max’s name on my caller id.

“Hey, man,” I answered. My voice was gruff from my dry throat, and I could hardly swallow from the dryness.

“Rough night?” He asked jokingly.

“Something like that. How’s wedding planning?”

“Oh, you know. The girls go do their shopping thing, and I sit around with Becca’s dad while he watches football. Considering how much I love football, it’s been a blast,” he explained sarcastically.

“I can imagine. Good thing you love Becca even if you don’t love football.”

“Hmm…yes, speaking of love, how are you and Maggie getting along these days?”

“You talk to her lately?”

“Not since yesterday after her mother tried to be nice to her. Why?”

“Nothing.” I didn’t want to tell him what was going on. He would be on the next flight down there trying to cheer her up when he should be spending time with his girl instead of trying to fix mine.

“Parker,” his voice was a warning.

“The label asked us to go to LA. I fly out in…” I looked at the clock on my phone. “We fly out in four hours to start recording an album. They want us to stay on the tour to hit the East Coast venues after January.”

“She didn’t take it well, I suppose.”

“No...I don’t know. She just asked questions, and I didn’t have the answers.”

“So, you blew up at her and she started crying.” He knew us too well.

“Something like that.”

“And now she’s alone and upset in the house with her mother?”

“Her mom has been nice the whole time she’s been there.”

“Do you know nothing about that woman? She preys on Maggie’s weaknesses. I should probably head down there. Becca and I were flying down the day after Christmas anyway. I can just go early.”

Like I said, he would run down there to save her.

“Nah, don’t do that. I’m going to call her in a bit to see if I can’t fix this over the phone. I just have to get over this massive hangover before I try to talk to her with any sense of reason.”

“Fix this, Parker.” Max warned. “It’s Christmas, and she has enough shit to deal with without you being an asshole.”

“Yeah. Look, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure. Fix this…” His last words before we hung up just pissed me off. As if I didn’t want to fix this. I wanted to be able to play with the band and have a good time, but I also wanted everything with Maggie. How I could “fix this” was beyond me, but I was damn sure going to try.