Flawed (Blaze of Glory #2) (16 page)

“Oh, of course,” Shannon cries, throwing her hands up in mock surrender. “I should have known. You were fucking drunk, as though that somehow excuses what you did.”

“No, of course it doesn’t excuse what I did,” I say, sitting up straight and dashing away the tears from my cheeks with the back of one hand. “But I thought as my sister that you might have been a little more understanding.”

Shannon takes a deep breath and stares up at the ceiling for a few minutes. “I’m trying, Nat,” she says in a calmer voice. “I’m really fucking trying to understand.”

“I think we all need to just back up a bit here,” Stone says, his commanding voice carrying through the small office. I gaze at the bed that I shared just a short time ago with Keets. I desperately want to ask Stone how he’s doing, but something tells me that Keets doesn’t really want me to know.

“…Nat, what does Troy actually want?” I’m snapped back to the conversation by Stone’s voice.

“He wants my baby,” I say in a small voice, my hands instinctively clasping protectively across my stomach. “He wants full custody.”

“Like hell,” Shannon shouts as she stands up, indignation all over her face.

“Shannon, calm the fuck down,” Stone snaps, and despite the seriousness of the conversation I have to cover my mouth to suppress a grin as Shannon glares at her husband before taking her seat once more. “He’s already hurt too many of my family members,” she snaps. “I’ll be damned if I let him hurt any more of my family.”

“You mean you’re not angry at me?” I ask hopefully, paling when she gives me a level stare.

“I’m fucking furious,” she admits, smoothing her hair out of her face. “But what’s done is done, and despite everything you’re still my sister. This family needs to stick together, or we’ll all fall apart.”

I nod my agreement as Stone braces his hands on the table and gives me a hard look. “We won’t let him touch your baby,” he promises.

I look at my sister and her husband, my heart overflowing with love for the both of them. “So what do we do?”

KEETS

They say when you die that you see your loved ones and a white light at the end of a long tunnel. It’s meant to make the transition easier, I guess. I have no idea what’s waiting for me, but somehow I don’t think it’s a chorus of angels. I’m too fucked up, too flawed to deserve any of that shit. I take my time unpacking my few belongings in the hotel room. I didn’t bring much; what would be the use in that? It’s not as though I can take any of it with me where I’m going. As I reach into the bag, my fingers touch something cold and hard. Pulling it out, I touch the frame that holds the last photo I have of myself and Liz, right after she accepted my marriage proposal and told me about our child.. We were so happy that day, and I thought nothing could ever come between us.

Sitting back on the bed, I kick my shoes off and lift the open bottle of Jack to my lips, my eyes never leaving her face as the familiar burn winds its way down my throat. Grimacing at the feeling, my eyes sting and start to water, making it hard to see. I’m already through half the bottle; I would’ve thought I’d be passed out by now. Apparently, my body seems to think I can take even more punishment.

As I stare at the photo, it starts to blur, and Liz’s face morphs into that of a beautiful blonde. Squeezing my eyes shut and opening them again, all I can see is Natalie Harper’s face staring at me. Dropping the frame on the bed in disgust, I swallow another mouthful of whiskey and groan, tears streaming down my face as I sit alone in the room. On my last night alive. I always thought that I’d die in battle, surrounded by my army brothers as I save their lives in some stupidly heroic act. I never imagined I’d die alone, surrounded by nothing by pain and regret. My thoughts flash to Nat, and fresh tears stream down my face. Will she ever understand why I need to do this? Could she ever possibly comprehend the price I have to pay for failing to save my fiancée and unborn child fourteen long years ago?

What the hell is wrong with me? I’m betraying Liz with thoughts of Natalie. Is it even possible to have feelings for two women? I’ve felt nothing but guilt for years, but she somehow made me forget that for a time. What does it mean?

It means you need to hurry up and follow through with your promise,
I scold myself.
You owe your life to Liz. Nothing can ever change that, not even a blonde who makes you forget your own damn name.

Standing on unsteady feet, I make my way out to the balcony and stare out at the site of my death. Ground Zero. I knew it would end here; somehow, I think I’ve always known that. My destiny was set the moment that tower crumbled in front of me, stealing my fiancée and unborn child. An image of Natalie pregnant with Troy’s baby flashes in my mind, and I let out a roar of fury that echoes across the night. Turning back into the room, I throw the bottle with all my might, watching with sick satisfaction as it smashes against the wall, alcohol exploding and raining down onto the grey carpet, staining it a sick sort of brown. How dare she fuck that pig, Troy? Who the hell does he think he is, taking Natalie and her child away from me? Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Natalie’s crying face, broken because of what I did to her, what I continue to do. I’m so fucked up; why do I always hurt the people I love? It’s like the tower is crumbling in front of my eyes all over again, only this time the tower is Natalie Harper, and I’m the plane that drove straight into her heart, dooming her to a fate worse than death… A life without love. Dropping to my knees, I let the tears fall freely, not caring who can hear me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I need help.

I need her.

Grabbing the phone from the desk, I blink a few times as the keys seem to move in front of me. Punching in her cell phone number I listen to the phone ring. Then…

“Hello?” her soft, sweet voice sounds in my ear, and fresh tears fall.

“Natalie,” I sob.

“Keets?” I hear her audible gasp through the phone. “Keets, are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m so sorry,” I slur. “I should have treated you better. I think I love you, but yo-you deserve better.”

“Keets, are you drunk? Where are you?
”

“
I’m with Liz,” I say, flinching when I hear her sharp intake of breath. “No, please, Nat. Listen to me. It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it?” she asks, her voice cutting through me like ice.

I sigh and lean back against the bed, sitting on the floor. “Liz was my fiancée,” I tell her. “She died on 9/11.”

“Oh, my God,” Natalie gasps, her voice muffled. “Keets, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

I nod even though I know she can’t see it. “I know,” I tell her as the tears come again. “I tried to save her, Nat, I really fucking tried. She told me to get out, to save everyone else. I-I watched the tower fall, I heard her scream. She told me to live, but I can’t…” I pause as I hear Natalie openly crying. “Please, don’t cry for me,” I tell her.

“How can I not?” she asks, but I hear her trying to calm down. “How can I help?”

“You can’t,” I tell her honestly. “I just wanted to hear your voice one last time.”

“One last time? One last time before what?”

“Listen, Nat, there’s a letter in the top drawer in the office at Saddles. I left it there before I came to New York. I need you to find it, and give it to Stone and Shannon.”

“What letter?” she asks. “What’s going on?”

“Did you know I turn forty tomorrow, Natalie?” I chuckle, not really hearing her. “Forty years old, that’s practically an old man.”

“Keets!” Natalie shouts in my ear. “Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t do it. Just come home, okay? We can talk about this.”

I shake my head sadly, even though I know she can’t see it. “I can’t,” I tell her. “I think I’ve always known it would end this way. I owe my life to Liz, and I plan to give it to her tomorrow.”

“You can’t be serious,” she cries, but I force myself to turn a deaf ear to her.

“Will you tell me now, Nat?” I ask her. My voice is so quiet that I’m not even sure she heard me.

“Tell you what?” she echoes through her tears.

“Why you cut yourself.”

I hear her sharp intake of breath, and I almost regret asking her. Almost. But there’s a stronger part of me that needs to know the truth. That needs to know why she harms herself the way she does.

She takes a deep, shuddering sigh before speaking. “I was eighteen,” she says quietly. “Daddy kept telling me how good Shannon was, at everything. I was always under so much pressure to do better, no matter how well I did. Then I met Luke, and-”

“Who’s Luke?” I demand harshly, a burst of jealousy shooting through my veins at the idea of another man touching Natalie.

“He’s my ex,” she explains. “He taught me how to release all of the fear, the frustration… the anger.”

“By cutting.”

“Yes,” she says brokenly. “Don’t you understand, Keets? I had nothing else. I was young and fucking worthless. My daddy didn’t need me, my sister sure as hell didn’t need me. I had no one.”

My heart is breaking for her. I know all too well what it’s like to be alone, and my arms ache to hold her, to let her know that she’s safe and warm and…
loved?

“Luke made me feel special for the first time in so many years,” she cries. I can hear her tears through the phone and each sigh is like a bolt of awareness straight at my heart. I wish I could be beside her, to show her how beautiful she is to me, scars and all.

“Natalie,” I say in a gruff voice, forcing back my own tears of pain and frustration. “Listen to me. You are not worthless, okay? Far from it, in fact. You are so beautiful, and generous. You got through to Zeke when I couldn’t.”

“Thank you,” she sniffs, and I can tell she’s trying to smile. “When are you coming back?”

I wince in pain at her words. No matter what’s happened, nothing has really changed. I can’t go back. Not now, not ever. “I can’t,” I tell her sadly. “Don’t you see? I have my own burden to bear. Liz sacrificed her life, the life of our child, to save me. Her death will be in vain if I don’t repay the debt somehow.”

“Don’t do this,” she begs, openly weeping. “Please, Keets. I need you, we all need you.”

“I can’t,” I repeat, pleading with her to understand.

“You don’t have to do this,” she tells me, and for a brief moment I almost believe her. What would be the worst that would happen if I didn’t go through with this plan? Liz and our baby would still be dead, and I would still be wracked with guilt over not being able to save them both. Could I really live with that knowledge? Deep down, I already know the answer to that question.

“Goodbye, Natalie.” I say softly. “Don’t think too harshly of me.”

“Keets, no, don’t do this. I love-”

I hang up the phone, unable to hear those words from her. It’s too little, too late. I’m not deserving of her love, of anyone’s love. Tomorrow, this will all be over, and she will be able to move on and find love with someone who truly deserves it. The pain in my chest grows and spreads as I think of Natalie kissing another man, his hands running all over her creamy skin. My nails dig into the palms of my hands until they pierce the skin, but I barely notice the drops of blood that stain the grey carpet. I stand and open my bag, retrieving the gun I put in there yesterday. It feels light in my hands, as though it knows the burden it will take away from me. My heart is filled with doubt but a smile spreads across my face as I think of Liz.

I’m finally ready to repay my debt.

NATALIE

I sit staring at the phone for a long minute after he hangs up, tears streaming down my face. I can’t believe he’s talking as though he’s going to kill himself. Does he not realize how much we all need him to live? How much we all love him?

I blanch at that, pondering my own words. I’d almost told him that on the phone. I’d thought to comfort him, but is it true? Do I love Keets?

Jumping into action, I call Shannon and Stone, briefing them on the situation. They find the note and read it out loud to me, and I hear their tears through the phone. It breaks my heart to finally understand the depth of pain that Keets has been forced to endure for fourteen years. Honestly, I’m more than a little surprised that he’s still here with us.

“I have to go get him,” I say firmly, determination in my voice.

“You can’t leave town,” Shannon reminds me, and I curse loudly. I’d forgotten all about that. Our relationship is definitely still strained after Shannon learned of my pregnancy, but at least we’re talking and I know she still cares. I know I’d deserved everything she said, and I’d just sat there and taken every curse word, every insult, and then I’d taken a razor blade to my inner thigh. This time, the cut was so deep I’d needed stitches. Shannon came to see me in the hospital, and through our tears we finally began to understand one another. We’re a far cry from being best friends, but at least I know that my sister understands that I had no idea who Troy was when I met him.
Families stick together,
she’d said.

“I have to,” I tell her. “They’ll understand. It’s a matter of life and death.”