Flawlessly Broken: (Broken Series Book 2) (36 page)

She sat back and nodded, looking impressed. “I’ll be damned. He finally got something right.”

“He said he could tell how much Spencer loved me. Told me that Spencer was right about him. That Derek could love me for the next thirty years and never come close to what I’d had with Spencer these past thirty days.”

Her brows rose. “Spencer actually said that?”

“Yeah. That and a lot more.”

“And you still kept up the pretense that you wanted Derek?”

“Yes.” I had no idea how Spencer’s words hadn’t broken my resolve, they’d certainly broken my heart. Because they were true. There wouldn’t ever be anything close to what we had. And I didn’t intend to even try. “But in my defense, I half-hoped he wouldn’t believe it, that he’d have more faith in me than that. He obviously didn’t. If he truly loved and trusted me as much as he claimed to, he never would have bought that shit for a minute. Maybe that’s why I did it, to see if he would believe the worst of me.”

Ali was shaking her head again, incredulous. “Never in my life have I heard of such relentless, deliberate stupidity.”

“Gee, don’t hold back. Feel free to speak your mind,
bestie.
” I rolled my eyes.

“That’s right, I am your best friend. Have been all your life, so suck it up. This is why people have best friends, to call them out when they are colossally fucking up. What’s our mantra? Best fucking bitches, right? We don’t take the easy way, don’t sugarcoat the truth. Total honesty. You did that for me when Clay and I broke up last summer, didn’t you? I seem to recall being called a coward, sitting through hours of your lecturing about how I would be letting my ex win if I let what he did to me cost me the love of my life.” She squinted over at me. “Any of that ringing a bell for you?”

“So, what? You’re saying I’m letting Amelia’s memory ruin my life?” I glared back at her, disbelieving.

She jerked upright and spoke through gritted teeth. “I have never wanted to smack the piss out of you more than I do right now. I would never, ever suggest such a thing. I’m saying you’re letting the cancer ruin your life. The fear of it, the misguided assumption that it was something you did, something you caused somehow.” Her shoulders slumped and she reached for my hand. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t hold tight to her memory. I do.” She thumbed the locket at her throat with her free hand. “And you’re always going to be her mother, that’s who you are. It’s not something that was lost when she was. You’re a mother whether your child is in the next room, the next state, or the next life. Be proud of that, be proud that you made her life as happy as you possibly could while you had her. You were a great mother to her, and you would be a great mother to another child, if you gave yourself the chance. There is nothing to suggest that the type of cancer she had could be genetically linked, sweetie. Nothing. You’re worrying for no reason.”

“Just because they haven’t found a link doesn’t mean it’s not there. How can I take that risk?”

Ali threw her head back and groaned in frustration. “You take a risk every time you leave the apartment, every time you cross the street, every time you make any choice at all, you’re risking making the wrong decision. But you do it every day because it’s just a part of life.”

“That’s different and you know it. No one is suffering because I crossed the street.”

She stilled and I saw the victory in her eyes. “Well now, let’s see what I can do to pick apart that statement, shall we?” She all but rubbed her hands together with glee. “So, let’s go back a few weeks. You chose to open the door and let Spencer in. You chose to build a friendship with him. You chose to trust him with your body and your heart—despite your fear. Am I correct thus far?”

I leveled my gaze at her and said nothing.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She smirked. “The two of you had an amazing time together, laughed, talked, made love. You were happy, both of you, for the time you had. Weren’t you?” My silence annoyed her and she raised her voice. “Weren’t you? Totally in love with a man who loved you just as fiercely. Right?”

I nodded, knowing where she was going.

“And now that it’s over—no matter the reason—do you wish it never happened? Was it a mistake to love him?” She watched me, her expression softening. “Or will you carry those memories with you for the rest of your life, holding them close and finding comfort in the fact that it was real, if only for a while? Just like you do with your memories of Amelia.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks and I squeezed her hand, silently pleading for her to stop.

“Sweetie, what you’re doing is causing real, maybe irreparable, damage. You made this choice knowing it would hurt him, and if you say a small hurt now will save a big hurt later, you’re kidding yourself. This is big. Right now. You’re throwing away a guarantee because you’re afraid of a maybe. And in doing so, you took his choices away. He didn’t get to choose you, convince you, or reassure you. You never gave him that chance. Hell, maybe he would have been fine with adoption. Did you ever think of that? I mean, you were adopted and your parents adore the hell out of you, just like you would in their shoes. Why not at least consider that? I just don’t get this, honey.” She softened her voice and patted my hand again.

“Because I’m not replacing my child, goddamn it!” I screamed through a fresh batch of tears, shaking with anger and fear and hurt. “I can’t be a mother to another child without feeling like I’m trying to replace her, forget her. Why don’t you see that? Why doesn’t anyone understand how much that would hurt her, how disrespectful that would be to her memory? She was my baby, dammit, my life, and I can’t just start over like she never existed!” My heart pounded in my ears and I had to fight back the myriad of images trying to flash through my mind. I’d imagined Amelia’s face a million times over the last four years. Every time I thought about the future, I felt guilty that I still had one and she didn’t.

It wasn’t fair.

And it was disrespectful to be happy without her.

Ali sat there in stunned silence, blinking slowly, as the color drained from her face. I’d never yelled at her, and I’d never voiced aloud my true feelings about becoming a mother again.

When she found her voice, she looked over at me with something akin to pity, a look that made my heart skip because she’d never looked at me that way before. I didn’t like it one bit. “Sweetie, that’s not what you’d be doing. She would want you to be happy.” I started to shake my head but she waved me off, not letting me argue. “Even with everything she went through, every round of chemo, every test and scan and needle jab, she was still a happy child. She smiled and laughed every day of her life, including the last. And, Talia, her smiles were always bigger, her laughter a little louder, when you were smiling and laughing with her. Your happiness was her happiness. And it still could be. Make her happy; honor her by being happy yourself.” She offered a soft smile. "Don't run from Spencer because he makes you want something you're afraid of. If you're honest with yourself, you know that's what this is all about. You look at him and envision a future — want a future you don't think you deserve and that terrifies you.”

I stared at my hands for a while, wringing the blanket in my fingers as tears fell onto it and soaked into the soft fabric. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Instead, I wiped my face and tossed back the blanket, getting to my feet.

Ali jumped up behind me, startled. “Where are you going?”

“I’m getting some decent clothes on. I think I’m ready to go for that drink now.”

GINA CLIMBED INTO
the taxi with a wide smile and chattered about how great the club was supposed to be. Her excitement was adorable. Since she worked nights more often than not, she hadn’t had a chance to check the place out yet, but she’d heard rave reviews from friends and even a few regulars at the restaurant.

I didn’t give a rat’s ass what the place was like as long as it had top shelf liquor and music loud enough to drown out the nagging voice in my head. The nagging voice at my side—namely Ali—had thankfully gone silent, mostly in deference to Gina’s presence.

Gina asked her about the wedding, all of the planning left to do, the honeymoon, and sat enthralled as Ali told her that she had let her mother talk her into having a lavish wedding in the city, despite her plans to do a simple ceremony in Denson first. It wasn’t exactly news to me, but I found myself listening intently as Ali outlined everything still to be handled while casting me pleading glances. She knew I’d handle it. I was already helping plan the reception, what was a little more added to the list? Maybe it would keep me from losing my shit while I came to terms with the end of my relationship with Spencer.

I nodded to her and smiled. “I’ve got you covered, you know I do. But if your mother starts her shit again, I can’t be held liable for my actions. That woman would make the Pope swear.”

She chuckled, a knowing smile on her face. “And drink... and maybe smoke, too. But she was adamant that people would be offended at being invited to a reception-only event.” She lowered her head and muttered, “Plus, I think Clay gets a kick out of knowing Holden will be footing the obscenely high bill for all of it.”

“Ah, so that’s why he’s going along with this. I knew I liked him for a reason,” I laughed, feeling a little better now that I was focused on something else. If we could keep the conversation going in this direction, I might just be okay.

Gina’s presence acted as a buffer because Ali knew how private I was, and she’d sooner die than disrespect that.

I didn’t want my personal affairs to become known at the restaurant. Not that Gina was a gossip, but I still wasn’t going there. I wanted the restaurant to be my safe place, just as it always had been. If I told Gina about my breakup with Spencer, even if she never said a word about it to me at work, I would feel it seeping into every interaction with her because I would know that she
knew.
It was the same reason no one there knew about Amelia. The restaurant—which had been in the works before Amelia got sick—opened a year after I lost her, so the employees had no clue what had happened. And none of them would know about this either.

Tonight, I wanted to talk about anything on earth except Spencer Erickson.

“So, where’s that tall drink of water you’ve been swooning over these last few weeks? He give you a break from burning up the sheets so you could make a public appearance? Aside from work, of course, and even then he’s made you late a few times...” Gina nudged my elbow with a wink. “Judging from that dark, intimidating thing he has going, I bet he’s a total freak in bed, too. Lucky bitch.” She sighed longingly and looked over at Ali with a grin before turning her wistful gaze out the window. “We should all be so fortunate. I mean, I love Greg and all, but he’s so straight-laced his pubes don’t even curl.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.

My laugh was so loud and so sudden it made everyone in the car jump. Ali joined me and soon we were all holding our sides and swiping at our eyes, laughing hysterically. Even the driver was cracking up, much to our delight. His deep male chuckles just fueled the hilarity of the situation.

Thank goodness for friends like Ali and Gina.

Between the two of them, they just might get me through this shit.

Once things settled down, Gina tried again. “So, is Mister Dark and Brooding ready for the kink yet?”

I sobered quickly, all humor lost in the dark sea of his ebony eyes as they flashed in my mind. I clamped my jaw shut before my chin could tremble and looked at her with the most impassive expression I could muster. “Gina, behave yourself. You have a boyfriend. And tonight is about us girls having fun. For all we know, this may be as close to a bachelorette party as Ali will get. Let’s have fun and focus on her tonight.”

She looked ready to argue but Ali cut her off. “Yeah, dammit.” She fake pouted. “The bride wants her party. I’m the princess, bitches, give me attention.”

Gina chuckled and started fawning over Ali, content to indulge her.

Ali winked at me and I sighed in relief.

Crisis averted. For now.