For a Hero (16 page)

“How is it different? I’m sorry, Jenna. I’m having trouble understanding. Just be with him. If he is half as great as your slack-jawed, unfocused work ethic says he is, then go marry him and take him off the market. You never know, some other girl,” she points at herself, “may swoop in if you don’t sign on the dotted line already.”

“It just is.” Jenna finished up the quota of work that she had assigned herself for the day, in order for the project to be completed on time. She was going to make a presentation to Jay-Z in a few weeks and normally she would have stressed night and day over it. But today, she did the minimum. My, how things had changed. Jenna turned her computer off and readied her purse for the trip home.

“Hold on, Jen. We have to talk more about this. What are you doing tonight?”

“I was just going to go home and watch some T.V.” she said, and also check her phone every few seconds for that name she was saying to herself.

“Well, you can’t do that tonight.”

“I can’t? Why not?”

Miranda pressed the power button on her monitor so the screen went blank, but she could continue her Facebook post the next morning, then stood up quickly. “Because tonight, you are coming home with me. We are going to have a girls’ night and talk boys and maybe eat ice cream. My roommates watch telenovelas. I can kinda understand them, but the men are all tanned, hot and rarely wear shirts. It will be a blast.”

Jenna thought for a second. It sounded like a lot of work to deal with Miranda in her own environment for a long period of time, but she meant well, and honestly, what else was Jenna going to do? “Ok, I guess that will be alright.”

Miranda sauntered out the door with Jenna, winking at the boys she passed by. They got on the bus together. Miranda took a pocket mirror from her purse and began to doctor her face with make-up. Jenna watched her. Sometimes, she wished she could be like Miranda. Less spoiled and rude, of course, but if Jenna could forget what everyone else thought of her, she imagined she would be a lot happier. How would her life have been different if she didn’t do homework all day in school or try to earn her parents’ love through accomplishment? What if she had made herself happy? Jenna smiled. Well, she didn’t want to do anything that would have meant changed the present. This time with David was too important. Obviously, she needed to think about that some.

Miranda turned her head to Jenna. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing.”

“Alright, well, anyway. I have something to tell you about my roommates. They can be kind of uptight from time to time. I’m sure they won’t show their ass too much while you’re there, but it’s fair that you have been warned.”

Jenna giggled. “I don’t mind. It’s their home. They can be uptight if they want to.”

When the trip was finished and the two girls departed the bus at Miranda’s apartment, Jenna tried to take it all in. It was a pretty scary neighborhood. “Is this a safe place to live?”

“Oh yeah, I wouldn’t worry about the neighbors. Just walk fast and ignore them, you’ll be fine.”

“That’s comforting.” Jenna lied.

Miranda opened the door for her. Jenna couldn’t remember seeing a more atrocious kitchen. There were dirty dishes piled up high in the sink, on the counter, on the dining table and everywhere in between. The floor was littered with scraps of paper and little colorful marks that could have been anything from food to paint. Jenna lied again. “Nice place you have here.”

“Yeah, we make due.” Miranda said as she stepped over three overflowing bags of garbage just sitting by the door waiting for someone to take them out. Miranda sifted through a pile of imperceptible stuff on the table and pulled a slice of pizza from it and began eating. At that moment, two stylishly dressed girls, stepped around the hallway.

They said nothing to Miranda but make a disgusted face at the way she conducted herself. Miranda didn’t notice. Jenna walked up to them and did her best to inform them non-verbally that she was not as messy and perfunctory as her friend whom she was visiting. “Hi! My name is Jenna. Miranda invited me over. I hope that’s ok.” She held herself very proper, and from the looks on the faces of her friends, they felt charmed and refreshed. Jenna breathed a sigh of relaxation.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jenna. I am Carlita and this is Leia. We are, umm, Miranda’s roommates.” Carlita spoke while watching Miranda pull olives off the piece of pizza she was eating and toss them on the floor. Carlita gently tugged Jenna back to her room, which was clearly organized and neat, clean of all filth. “We really ought to be heading out. You two girls will have the apartment all to yourselves.” Carlita spoke again as she stepped toward the door until her and Jenna had a clear view into Miranda’s room. There was so much debris on the floor that she was curious how Miranda got to her bed.

“Thank God.” Miranda spat her words out with a full mouth. “Don’t hurry home. You should go ahead and leave now. Jenna and I have a lot to talk about.”

Carlita grimaced and took Leia out the door. They waved at Jenna nicely but spoke Spanish words under their breath that undoubtedly meant something mean. Jenna would have liked to understand them. She joined Miranda on the couch, in as clean a spot as she could find. “They were nice. You must like living with them.”

“They are uptight. Did you say the way that judged me while I ate? They were probably calling me fat in their heads.” Jenna knew they were thinking something else. “Anyway, they left. Did you see the way they walked out when I told them to? They are so obedient.” Miranda enjoyed making her comments. “I’m basically the boss around here.”

“I see.” Jenna said the least confrontational thing she could think of. She had her own idiosyncrasies and had no room to judge anybody else, especially someone who welcomed her into the folds of friendship as warmly and willingly as Miranda did.

Miranda folded her legs up on the couch beneath her. “So, we need to talk about David.”

“What do we need to talk about about David?”

“Don’t use word-play with me, Girl. I’m too smart for that.”

Jenna smiled. “Oh. Ok.”

“Tell me about David. You asked back at the office if I have ever wanted to be with someone but couldn’t because I felt like we shouldn’t. The answer is no. If I want to be with someone, and they want to be with me, we just be together. I want you to explain to me why you can’t. He obviously makes you happy.” The words of reason and pragmatism rang soundly coming from Miranda’s mouth, and Jenna noted how odd it was to see such truth coming from lips stained with pizza sauce with an unknowable expiration date.

“He is just SO perfect. He is so perfect that his perfection gets in the way of his knowing how perfect he is.” Jenna pondered, retrospectively, at her own confusing, but true, explanation. “You already know how good-looking he is, and I already told you the story of him confronting that guy on the bus. He is like that all the time. Everyone he introduces me to has a reason why they revere him or a story about him saving the day. He is strong enough to never be afraid of anything, yet he also, unexplainably, has the most disarming modesty and self-image. He has no idea how wonderful he is.”

“That is all nice, Jenna. But I am failing to see the point here. That’s guy sounds like marriage material to me. He is the kind of guy you date AND the kind of guy you marry. Those don’t really come along too often. Why should you not be with him?” Miranda gets up and starts digging through the trash on the table. Jenna hoped she was looking for a paper towel or something. Nope. Jenna was disappointed that Miranda instead grabbed a cylindrical fried thing. Maybe it was an eggroll. It was impossible to be sure. She wasn’t convinced that Miranda knew what it was.

“That’s just it. He is perfect and I’m not. I have so many issues. I have no idea how to behave in a healthy, monogamous relationship. My parents didn’t have one; none of my friends have one. I am a slave to my work habits. I am only moderately attractive. Despite my obsession, my career has been stunted due to an unfairness, which, coincidentally, also helped to discolor the unhealthy way I perceive men and relationships. How could someone like me stay with someone like him?”

“Does he know all of those things about you?”

“Most of them.”

“Does he care?” Miranda finished her snack and then wiped her greasy hands on her dress shirt before refocusing completely on Jenna.

Jenna took in what she said. “I never thought about it that way. No, he doesn’t seem to care.”

“Well, here is what you need to do. If you care about this guy and want to be with him, just tell him everything. Show him the dirtiest, scariest side of you. If he loves you and stays anyway, you have nothing to worry about.”

“What if he runs away when he finds out?”

“You didn’t think it would last anyway. This could be your test and your decision. Make the choice to act dependent on his reaction. That way, you don’t feel like he is abandoning you. If you leave because he doesn’t accept you, then you are still the selector and feel no pain.”

“That is pretty cold, Miranda.”

“You’re right, but you know what else it is?”

“What?”

“It’s smart.”

“Thank you, Miranda. I will try to work up the courage to do that.”

“Of course. I’m glad I could help. Now, tell me about his penis.”

Jenna burst out a laugh in surprise. “What?”

“You two gorgeous kids HAD to have had sex by now. Tell me about it. Is everything proportional?”

Jenna smiled. “Yes.”

“I figured it was.”

“Yeah. It’s pretty wonderful. The best thing ever, actually.”

“Was he as good as you imagined him being after you saw him on the bus?”

“How did you know that I imagined being with him after that?”

“I’m not stupid. I’ve seen hot guys on the bus before. I know how it is, Girl.”

“It was much better. But I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with, you know, since we are doing this girl talk thing.”

“I’d love to.”

“I feel like David is holding back. Remember when I said that he doesn’t know how perfect he is? Well, it’s a lot more severe than that. Apparently, he hurt someone during sex a while back and now he is afraid to be himself and let go.”

“Hurt her? Like beat her? Is he into S&M?”

“No, I don’t think so. That wouldn’t be a problem.”

“What?! Haha. Damn, Girl. You are so much freakier than you look.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Jenna just now realized what she had implied, but it didn’t matter. “No, I think she was just being mean to him. He was probably a little too big for her and she overreacted to make him feel guilty. She is always hanging around where he works and using it against him. I can’t imagine anybody behaving that way.”

“Oh wow, Jenna. I can. That was me in high school. That was a lot of women in high school. I’m surprised you missed out on that. A lot of a woman’s power comes from her sexuality. She can make a man do what she wants him to do if he is attracted to her, and if she uses sex against him, then he is a slave. I guess you had your nose buried in a book and missed out on all this.”

“Yeah, I think I did.”

“It sounds like this bitch never grew up. She’s still pulling the same crap that young girls do to manipulate guys. It shouldn’t be too hard to reverse what she did to him, though.”

“How?”

“The same way she caused it. Sex. You can use sex to open him up. Every guy responds to that.”

“Ok, I’d love to help him. What should I do?”

Miranda was getting excited. “Do something freaky. Make him feel like a real man. You should push him a little bit. Be aggressive. Make him fight back and take over. Maybe role-playing. But ease into it. It sounds like he needs to get used to the idea, first.” Miranda paused and thought. “He is a Texas boy, isn’t he? Dress up as a cowgirl and try to tie him and ride him! He will probably throw you off, tie you up and have his way! Ooh, that is so sexy.”

Jenna let her mind picture the scenario that Miranda spelled out for her. Her body warmed in response. “I like it. I’ll do it. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure. You can make it up to me by telling me all the nasty details. I want to know EVERYTHING.”

Jenna relaxed. She was feeling a lot better. She liked this girl talk thing. She wanted more. “You’ve helped me. Now it’s your turn. Tell me more about Blaine.”

Miranda kicked into story mode. “Well, I got him to take me on a date after the ball fiasco. For most of the night, he was his eccentric self. Out in front of everybody, he was charming, and personable, and adorably self-centered and sarcastic. He was absolutely delectable in his suit, like always. We had dinner and his anecdotes came smoothly one after the other. He was the entertainment for the night. Everybody was drawn to him. He was magnetic and enigmatic. And then we left. It all changed. When it was just he and I in the backseat of the limo, I expected him to jump me and have his way with me. It would have fit his wolf-like persona exactly. And hell, I wanted him to! But he didn’t. He was still nice. But the charm was turned off. He was so aloof and uninterested. He ended up dropping me off at my apartment without even a kiss goodnight. Hell, Blaine didn’t even get out of the damn car. I wonder if this is some trick to make women more attracted to him. It was certainly working. I was fired up to work extra hard. I even considered knocking on his mansion door wearing nothing but a trench-coat.”

Jenna remembered what Blaine was like at the auction. Had she not seen David first, she might have been attracted to him. But it was too late now. She would never know that for sure. Her fantasies belonged to David. But regardless, Blaine was certainly a presence on stage. “He does look like a man with secrets. I’m not sure if anybody knows what is going on in that rich head of his. He and David are best friends. I suppose I could ask him sometime.”

“Ehh. Don’t worry about it. I was pretty upset and motivated about it earlier, but this cute guy asked me out on the bus to work this morning.”

*****

The phone started to ring. ‘Look at me,’ David thought. ‘Blaine tells me to let her in and here I am, trying to let her in. One day, I am not going to let him be such a bully.’