For the Best (28 page)

I rose at 4a.m. in a mountain of blankets
dawning yesterday’s clothes. I didn’t have the courage to go in his
room and say goodbye.

Tanner

Hanna had vacated my apartment without even
saying goodbye. It messed with my head, left me irrational. I met
Skylar at the airport and dropped down on one knee.

Those four words I said unleashed a terror
upon the world.

“Yes. Yes!” she screamed alerting airport
security. “Thank you for not getting me a ring. I’ve got one picked
out.” She pulled up a picture on her phone. The price tag was $30k.
I was appalled. She must have noticed. “Don’t worry Daddy will help
you pay for it. It wouldn’t be acceptable if it was a lesser
stone.” What she really meant is it wouldn’t be acceptable if she
couldn’t tell everyone that it came from Rodeo Drive. “I’ll contact
the jeweler. They can get your credit information, set up an
account, overnight the ring insured.”

The sweat I broke out in was very
unromantic.

Hanna

Clay
and Ansel were lugging a queen sized mattress up the flight of
stairs. They pivoted it through my door and dropped it onto the
frame.

Della was doing her best to
embarrass me. “Probably you shouldn’t even put the mattress on the
frame. Forget about a headboard. I’m not sure they make furniture
durable enough to withstand the two of you together.”

“
Ha, ha.” I made a face at
her. “I jimmy rigged the legs of that old bed every time it
wouldn’t fold back into the Murphy cabinet. How it didn’t break
long ago is sheer luck.”

Clay laughed and turned to
Ansel. “After my college years I didn’t think that bed could be
broken. Way to go man.”

Ansel winked at me and
flopped across the bed, giving it a bounce. “This one seems sturdy
enough.”

Della walked over to my
dresser. “Uh, Hanna, what are you taking antibiotics
for?”

“
One of my repeat customers
has a Chihuahua that likes to bite when I clip his nails. Last time
it broke my skin. I thought it was no big deal, but it got
infected. The doctor put me on antibiotics.”

“
He did tell you that
antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of birth control didn’t
he?”

My
blood ran cold. “No.”

Ansel grinned and teased, “I
can’t wait to paint the baby’s room.”

“
It
isn’t funny,” I murmured.

He got up and walked to me,
pulled me close. His whisper was so quiet it was almost inaudible.
“I love you. You love me. Would it be the end of the world if you
got pregnant?”

I
shook my head.

Tanner

Preparations like I had never imagined
began. An engagement party larger than most people’s weddings was
planned for New Year’s Eve. Skylar wanted to rent one of those
booths where it snaps photos of two people then melds them together
to show what your offspring would look like. Fear took hold,
imagining our future children. My mind went to her childhood photos
displayed at her father’s office – the ones taken prior to her
corrective procedures. Our kids would be a combination of blue
eyed, dish water blondes with sharp chins and hook noses.

“Let’s not do the photo booth.”

“Why?” No shit, my betrothed actually jerked
me to a stop and stomped her foot in a tantrum.

“Some might consider it common.”

Hanna

Coming upstairs from the Laundromat I met
Ansel shoulder carrying Keb. “Where are you two off to?” I bestowed
them both with a kiss on the cheek.

“Going to feed the ducks. You want to come?”
he asked.

“Sure, can we walk by the post office? I
need to check my box.”

With Keb’s legs dangling round Ansel’s
shoulders, one hand holding a loaf of bread the other wrapped round
his ankle the picture they made tore at my heart. We entered the
park and stopped at the pond. Ansel slid the toddler onto a bench
and birds began running and squawking in our direction at full
speed. Protectively, we both flanked Keb.

I tore a couple of slices of bread, handed
them to Keb who dropped them over the back of the bench. The ducks
waddled closer claiming the food.

“I’ve got good news,” Ansel proclaimed.

“What?”

“Augustinian Art wants to sign me and I got
an assignment for
Coastal Living
magazine.”

I took my eyes off Keb. “Ansel, that is
fantastic.”

He beamed. “I know. I’m getting my own room
at the gallery.”

While our eyes were off him, Keb emptied the
entire sack of bread over the back of the bench. Not a crumb
remained.

“Kid you’re a menace.” Ansel picked him up,
tossed him over his head arms extended catching him - a game the
two never tired of playing.

“You ready?” We walked to the Post
Office.

I had a ton of mail in my mailbox. Mostly
junk I tossed in the garbage can. There was an invitation with a
Chicago return address. Curious, I did a quick swipe of the
envelope flap and extracted the card. I grimaced as a bunch of
sparkly hearts, and champagne glass shaped confetti fell from the
card. It read:

Tanner Benjamin Giradelli
and Skylar Nicole Dole

wish to invite you to
their engagement party
December
31
^st

Tanner

An employee at the facility Trevor resided
had promised she would let me know if any trouble should ever
happen. She was true to her word calling me in advance of my
brother being admitted to the hospital. I called Hanna
immediately.

She answered my call with the sound of a
chaos in the background. After exchanging a less than enthusiastic
greeting she asked, “Is something wrong?”

“Trevor is sick. The facility called to tell
me he had gotten a serious lung infection and was being
hospitalized. Would you be able to visit him? Make sure he is
okay?” I asked with a catch in my words.

Hanna

I drove north to the hospital. After
locating the correct floor and room, I found Trevor and Tanner’s
father sitting on a recliner staring blankly at his eldest
bedridden son with a dejected expression. Gone was the
authoritative and fatherly man from my childhood. The time since
our last encounter had taken a toll. We both acknowledged each
other with merely a nod.

I touched Trevor’s shoulder and he opened
his eyes.

“Hanna, it hurts.” Trevor clenched my
hand.

I started to crumble but held strong not
wanting my tears to scare him. Tanner wouldn’t cry. He rarely did
even when we were small because he was always the big brother, year
of birth never mattered. “I know sweetie. I wish I could make it
better.”

“I want Tanner,” he cried the name of the
person in my thoughts.

Their father said in a muffled voice,
“Tanner is trying to catch a flight but is having trouble.”

I didn’t reply. I wondered where his mother
was, why a child in need was being deprived of maternal comfort. “I
brought your favorite book.”

He lit up. Such innocence was an eternal
testament to the man he grew into but his mind couldn’t catch. I
pulled up a chair, keeping it together by concentrating on the
words.

I don’t know how long I was there. Four
chapters later the sunlight grew weak through the window. Their dad
fell asleep his head slumped sideways in his chair. Trevor’s hand
was slack in mine. His breathing was noisy, raspy. He had always
been a snorer but with the respiratory infection he wheezed as he
slumbered. I studied the slope of his forehead, the flat bridge of
his nose, the short, low set ears.
Had Tanner ever feared he’d
someday father a child like Trevor?
It had never mattered to
me. To me Trev was the sweetest and most loving kid a parent could
ever ask for.

“Trev?” I whispered close to his ear. Both
Trevor and his father pried open their tired eyes. “I’m gonna go
now and let you get some good sleep.”

“I love you Hanna.”

I kissed his cheek. “I love you too
honey.”

Staring at my clock in the lonely hours of
the morning darkness, Tanner called.

I answered, “Hello.”

No greeting replied - just the choked words,
“He’s gone Hanna. His heart gave out.”

I didn’t believe a heart as big as Trevor’s
could cease. Yet, together we cried, each offering the other
condolences. We both disconnected gulping at sobs.

Ansel was beside me - taking me in his arms,
trying to comfort me. Both Pinkie and Bowzer jumped up on the
mattress and nestled against me as I mourned.

I dreamed of a graveyard encircling a giant
playground where we all returned to the worriless moments of our
happiest childhood days. I threw petals like a flower girl as we
skipped past the tombstones.

Tanner

The turnout was huge. Trevor’s entire group
home including staff attended. Within the midst of my remaining
family, I mourned for the loss of the most important member.

The funeral director advised us several
friends had asked to speak regarding Trevor. My mother was hesitant
not wanting undue attention or change in protocol. After realizing
my parents had only prepared a closed casket with one picture of my
brother, I was mortified. A one day funeral with no previous day of
viewing was bad enough. Within two hours, I had created a digital
CD montage of photos.

Maybe I’d gone overboard, but most of the
pics were of Trev, Hanna and me. She was just a little girl in
many. She looked so sweet, Trev so happy, me not so much.

Watching the entrance, my heart skipped a
beat when she stepped inside with Ansel, Della, even Clay - all of
them taking seats in the back. I wanted to talk to her alone, but
my fiancé sat to my left, my mother on my right. Both women dry
eyed took my hands chaining me in place.

When Hanna walked up to the casket, I shook
them off and went to her. Ansel stood off to the side, not like
Skylar who clung close to me.

“He was so special.” Hanna’s voice caught,
but she managed to continue. “I considered him one of my closest
friends.”

I went to touch her as the tears fell like
raindrops off her face but Skylar’s hand clamped down on my forearm
before I could reach her. “Thank you,” I said in lieu of an
embrace.

“I’m gonna go talk to your dad.”

I merely nodded unable to relax my throat
enough to speak. Morose music amplified from hidden speakers as I
watched her and Ansel offer their condolences to my only parent who
seemed upset.

People began to take their seats. A minister
from a church my family had never attended began the eulogy.

Hanna

It had been one of those surreal moments, me
floundering as I stared into Tanner’s dark brown eyes, his fiancé
sinking into his side to comfort him.

I blinked through a blur of tears but
couldn’t stop the flow. The whole interlude only took two minutes-
three, tops. I knew that it would replay like a video over again in
my dreams. Like the pictures of our childhood projected on a wall
behind Trev’s casket.

Finding a seat, faces I wished weren’t
familiar searched me out. His old friend Didge turned around from
the row in front of me. I hunched forward pushing the heels of my
palms into my eye sockets to stop the tears.

Didge arched his head back, and spoke near
my ear. “Don’t look so sad. It will never work.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Tanner and Skylar. It won’t last and if it
does he’ll regret it. Ten years from now he’ll be trying to make
love to his wife while conjuring images of you.”

I flung myself back practically into Ansel’s
lap.

“Did I hear him correctly?” Ansel asked in
mortification.

I nodded, stunned and a little ill.

The minister had stopped speaking. It was my
cue. Squeezing Ansel’s hand, I forced myself up and made my way to
the podium. I spoke about Trevor, but my words were for Tanner. He
needed to hear them.

Tanner

I stared at Didge. I had been watching when
he was whispering to Hanna. I saw her flinch before she hurriedly
rose to come to the pulpit. I really wanted to strangle the bastard
for defiling her with whatever lewd comments he’d spoken.

Hanna appeared at the podium. As she began
to speak it took me a minute to listen. I’d been conspiring how to
get out of my life. Suddenly, my thoughts were stopped in their
tracks. She was telling an averted story of her mother’s death. She
said that Trevor kept asking her if her mom was in Heaven. I
remembered that. I didn’t know how to stop him from making her
grief worse. Apparently he had left a message on her voice mail.
She said she had been so amazed at his understanding that she chose
to make a permanent recording. She pressed the device’s speaker up
to the microphone.

“Hanna, it’s me Trevor.” His deep voice was
muffled, childlike. His R’s sounded like W’s and the error pained
me in a lost feeling of endearment. “I look for your mom in Heaven.
But I don’t know what Heaven is. Tanner told me to look up, it was
all around me. So your mom must be in the sky. She is in the
clouds, the stars, the moon, the sun. Someday I’ll be looking down
at you. Remember to look for me and your mom up here.”

Goose bumps climbed my flesh. My mother
gasped beside me. Hanna whispered but the mic caught her words,
“I’ll look for you Trev. Say hi to Mom.”

Tanner

Through my tears, I looked at Skylar then at
Mom. Not an ounce of emotion – cold women incapable of thawing. My
dad was sobbing and edging away from the woman he had spent the
last twenty-eight years beside. I think it was over for them. He
lifted distressed eyes to me and I nodded. We understood each
other’s desire to get away from the partner we mistakenly
chose.