For the Save (Playing for Keeps #4) (13 page)

Sawyer

In Ben’s room Addie appeared even smaller than usual. Fragile almost. Like she could shatter into a million pieces at any minute. I was glad she told me to come over. It made my heart swell knowing that she trusted me with this. That she needed me and wasn’t afraid to tell me. And, really, I was more than happy to give her my support. It was kind of crazy, actually. Wasn’t it a couple of weeks ago that she was blocking me out all the time, using all her energy to push me away?

After throwing another trophy into the box, I glanced over at Addison. She was hunched over a drawer in Ben’s dresser, shoving shirts inside a box. Her movements were manic and jerky, her eyes glazed over. It was obvious that this was killing her, and it broke my heart.

Leaving the box I was filling, I stepped over to Addie. Without a word, I grabbed her gently by the shoulders and whirled her around. Her eyes locked with mine for only a moment before she collapsed into me. I folded my arms around her and held her tight.

“You don’t have to do this.” I stroked her hair. The silky strands slipped through my fingers.

“I know, but I want to.” Her voice was muffled into my chest. “I can’t explain it, but I feel like it’s something I have to do.”

I nodded, understanding. If I’d learned anything over the last few months it was that grief was an individual thing. Sometimes the way we grieved didn’t make sense, not even to ourselves. There were things we had to do, things we had to face in order to move forward. Perhaps this was one of those things for Addie. And if it was, I would do everything in my power to help her see it through.

“Okay.” I peered down at her. “As long as you promise me that if it gets too hard, you’ll let me take over.”

She stared at me a minute, her forehead turning into a mess of squiggly lines. Pressing her lips together, she wore a pensive expression. I held my breath. What was she thinking? In my experience it was never good when she looked like this. The room was silent for a several seconds, but it felt like forever. Finally she spoke. “How did I get so lucky?”

It wasn’t what I was expecting her to say, and it caused a smile to creep across my face. I tugged her closer. “I think I’m the lucky one.”

“No way. You have to put up with all my baggage and mood swings.” A small laugh leapt from her throat. “Trust me. I’m the lucky one.”

“We both have baggage,” I said. “However, I like to think of it more as luggage.”

“Luggage?” She cocked an eyebrow. I loved when she did that. It looked so damn sexy.

“Yeah, because baggage has this negative connotation, but luggage doesn’t. You take luggage on vacation, right? So luggage makes you think of sandy beaches, crystal clear water, and fruity drinks. It makes you think of plane rides and relaxation. While baggage makes you think of carrying something heavy and shouldering the weight of it all.”

The skepticism on her face grew. “So you’re saying that my issues with my brother’s death and my dad leaving is like a vacation. Because I gotta be honest, the baggage analogy seems to fit more at this point.”

I tightened my hold on her as her hands fluttered over my chest. “What do you bring with you on a vacation? You bring your belongings, right?”

She nodded.

It didn’t seem like my analogy was working, but I had to keep it going. I was determined to put a positive spin on all this. To make her see herself the way I see her. Everything was so negative with Addie – the way she viewed herself and her circumstance. And I didn’t want that for her.

“Right now it may seem like the stuff we’re going through is baggage. But one day it will be part of our life experiences. It will have shaped us, but it won’t define us. It will be like the stuff we bring on vacation. Our clothes and shoes don’t define us. Our luggage isn’t who we are. It’s just something we carry with us. We can leave it at the hotel room and enjoy our vacation. It doesn’t take up all our time and energy. In fact, we hardly think about our luggage at all. Only a couple of times a day when we need something from it.”

Addie nodded.

“And you can think of me as your own personal bellboy, because I’ll be happy to carry your luggage any time it gets too heavy or too much for you to shoulder,” I added.

“I’m sure I’ll take you up on that.”

“I hope you do.” I rubbed her back with my palms.

“Do you really think it will ever be like that for us? Will there ever be a time when I don’t think about Ben every day? Or where you don’t relive Ryan’s death over and over?”

I swallowed hard. The nightmares had died down a little, but it was hard for me to imagine the memory of that day fading away. “I like to think it will taper off with time.”

“Me too.” She smiled. “I like your vacation analogy. I’m not sure how realistic it is, but I like it.”

“Addie.” Removing my arms from her back, I slid them up her neck and cupped her face. She inhaled sharply as my thumbs ran across her bottom lip. Slowly bringing her face toward mine, I clamped my lips over hers. I kissed her slowly as if she was a tall glass of iced water and I wanted to savor every drop. I drank in her lips, sucking them into my mouth and then releasing them. They were smooth and supple, tasting like watermelon. Then I licked my tongue along the seam of her lips until she parted them. My tongue slid over hers, while our lips fused. Her hands curved around my shoulders as the kiss became more charged, more intense. My pulse quickened, my thoughts racing to things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Before doing something I’d regret, I drew back. I was here to comfort Addie, to help her, to be the man she needed. And I was pretty sure tossing her down on her dead brother’s bed and having my way with her wasn’t what she needed. My heart was pounding furiously as I dropped my hands from her face. She blinked as if coming out of a trance. I took a deep breath. “When I’m with you the memories don’t haunt me. You give me hope that I’ll get through this.”

“You do the same for me,” she said so softly I had to strain to hear her.

When my gaze traveled down to her lips, I cleared my throat. “We better get back to it, huh?”

“Yeah, we better.” She flashed me a resigned smile. “Besides, if my mom walks in on us making out she’ll probably make you go home. Before this all happened my parents were pretty strict about me being alone with boys.”

“Oh yeah?” I raised my brows. Addie and I hadn’t talked much about previous relationships. “Were there a lot of boys you wanted to be alone with?”

She giggled, her cheeks flushing. “No, not really.” She patted my cheek. “You have nothing to worry about, Sawyer. When I’m with you, I forget other boys even exist.”

I loved hearing that, and I wanted to cling to those words like a lifeline. But it was the first part of that sentence that left me with one nagging question. “What about when we’re not together?”

“Then I’m thinking about you.” It was the most she’d ever admitted about her feelings for me, and my heart stuttered in response. She kissed me lightly on the mouth. So lightly that only her top lip brushed mine It was more sensual, more exciting than when she fully kissed me, and it caused a low moan to sound at the back of my throat. “I used to think I liked other boys, but since I’ve met you I realized that I never really did. There’s only ever been you.”

I knew what she was saying. The way she made me feel was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. No girl had elicited this kind of desire from me. And not just a physical desire. No, I desired our connection. What we had was deep. And no matter how long it lasted, I’d never regret it. Addie was someone I’d always carry in my heart whether we were together or not. And I’d hold her close for as long as I had her.

When she returned to the dresser, I lowered down onto my knees in front of my box. It was almost full, so I snatched up the remaining trophies and ribbons. Ben had been one hell of a football player. I remembered seeing him play a few times. He was a legend when I first attended Gold Rush High. It was odd to think that he’d thrown away so much. I understood why Addie was so determined to find out answers. I had hardly known the guy, and I knew something wasn’t right. Usually when I heard of guys committing suicide they were seriously depressed, or being bullied like Preston, or had mental problems they were wrestling with. I mean, I was sure there were other reasons, but I hadn’t had personal experience with it. At the very least I would think there would have been signs, but according to Addie there hadn’t been. Everyone had been shocked.

“Oh, my god.”

My head bobbed up at Addie’s words. Her eyes were wide, her arm shaking. In her palm she held something, but it was too small to make it out.

“What’s wrong?” I stood up and made my way over to her.

When I reached her she opened her palm, revealing a small baggie with one white rock nestled inside. My insides clenched.

She shook her head. “My brother didn’t use drugs.” I couldn’t tell if she was trying to convince me or herself.

“Maybe it wasn’t his,” I suggested, but then her gaze drifted back to the drawer she’d been going through. It had been emptied out and the bottom was covered in glass pipes, razors, mirrors, and a few more filled and empty baggies. My stomach dropped. What the hell had Ben gotten involved in?

The look of disbelief was replaced by one of determination. “I’ve got to go talk to Kevin.”

“Kevin?”

“Ben’s best friend. If Ben was using, Kevin would know all about it.” She dropped the baggie into the drawer and shut it firmly, as if by doing so she could block out what she’d found.

“Do you think this is a good idea?” An uneasy feeling descended into my gut.

“I can trust Kevin. He’s like an older brother to me. I’ve known him since I was in diapers.”

“I bet you were cute in diapers.” I nudged her in the side in an attempt to lighten the mood.

It did. “I was a scrawny little thing.”

“Still are,” I shot back.

“Hey,” she said, but her lips curled a bit at the edges.

“Scrawny, but sexy,” I amended.

This seemed to appease her. She pecked me on the cheek. “You can keep packing up if you want. Kevin only lives a few blocks over. I’ll go talk to him and be right back.”

“Whoa, not so fast,” I warned. “I’m going with you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but I want to.”

“He may not say anything if you’re there. I feel like my only hope of getting answers is if I’m alone. He trusts me.”

I got what she was saying, but there was no way I was letting her do this alone. She may have trusted Kevin, but I’d never met the guy. Besides, if he was using drugs with Ben who knew what she was walking into. In my experience, calling guys out on their drug use never ended well. “At least let me drive you there.”

She smiled. “I could get used to this.”

“Get used to what?”

“Being protected.”

I wrapped my arms around her middle. “Addie, I’ll always protect you.”

“I think I’d like that.”

Addison

When we left the house, Mom was asleep on the couch. At first I was puzzled by this. I assumed maybe all the emotions of the day had gotten the best of her. But when we stepped outside, darkness enveloped me, and I realized it was much later than I’d thought it was. Turning on my phone, I saw that it was a little after ten o’clock. Man, I’d been packing in Ben’s room for a long time. Then again, I wasn’t only packing. My cheeks warmed when I glanced over at Sawyer. He had been distracting me a bit.

Before getting into the “Barney Mobile,” I hesitated for a moment. Should I really go barging over to Kevin’s house this late at night? What if he was sleeping? But then I thought of how late Ben always stayed up, and decided it was worth a try.

As Sawyer drove, I thought about Ben’s behavior the few months prior to his death. He had been pretty moody.  More so than usual. But I’d chalked it up to him getting older, becoming a man. And he and Dad had butted heads more than before, but I thought that was typical for a father/son relationship. Like a rite of passage or something. But now I wondered if it was more than that.

I never would’ve thought Ben would be the type of guy to use drugs. Then again, I never thought he’d be the kind of guy that would kill himself either. I shuddered.

“You cold?” Sawyer asked. “C’mere.” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he offered his free arm.

Grateful, I nestled into him. It was cold tonight, but that wasn’t why I shivered. Still, his body felt good against mine. His hold on me gave me strength, and I desperately needed that right now. I had no idea what I was going to find out tonight, and that scared me.

When we got to Kevin’s house his car was parked out front. I felt both relief and fear at this.

“I can go in with you if you want,” Sawyer said, clearly sensing my trepidation.

I forced a courageous smile. As much as I wanted Sawyer to come with me, I knew I’d never get the answers I needed if he did. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be right here if you need me.” He pulled me close and kissed my forehead.

I nodded and then headed outside. A cool breeze swept over my skin, causing goosebumps to rise on my flesh. Hugging myself, I rubbed my hands over my upper arms. As I walked toward the front door, I wondered if Kevin’s parents were home. I hoped they weren’t. Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing them. But tonight I was on a quest. Plus, Kevin probably wouldn’t say anything with his parents around. Any time we spoke since Ben’s death he’d been pretty tightlipped, saying he didn’t know anything at all about why Ben would do this.

I took a deep breath when I reached the front door. Then I lifted my hand and rapped once, twice, a third time. It reminded me of all the times we’d pick Ben up here. Mom would always send me up to the door to collect Ben. I’d knock, and then Ben and Kevin would answer all sweaty and dirty. Then Ben would stall for as long as he could before coming home. Familiar sadness wrapped around me at the memory.

The door popped open and Kevin stood in front of me. He looked like always with his short brown hair, dark brown eyes and muscular physique. He wore a t-shirt and jeans, his feet bare.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Addie, what are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I’ve been trying to reach you. I sent you a message on Facebook and Instagram, but you never responded.”

“Sorry. I’m not really on social media anymore.” He shrugged. “Wanna come in?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

As he moved back to let me enter, his gaze shot past me. “Who’s in the car?”

“Oh, that’s Sawyer.”

“Ridley?” He asked. “Is he your boyfriend?”

I nodded.

“Since Ben’s not around anymore, I feel like I need to take on the role of your honorary brother,” he said with a grin. “So, is Riddles treating you well?”

I chuckled, rolling my eyes. “Yes, he treats me very well.”

“Okay, just checking,” he said. “But then why is he sitting in the car?”

Nervously, I scratched the back of my neck. “I sort of wanted to talk to you alone.”

Something flashed in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place. Discomfort, trepidation, fear. “Oookay.” He gave me a funny look and then closed the door behind us.

The house was quiet and dark. It smelled faintly of potpourri. I shivered as he guided me into the family room.

“Can I get you anything?” Suddenly he was acting all formal and stiff.

“No. I’m fine.” I shook my head as I sat on the couch.

He took a seat on the recliner facing me. The large, abstract painting on the wall caught my attention. I always liked Kevin’s house. It looked like something out of a magazine. His mom worked in interior design, so I guess it made sense. Returning my focus back to Kevin, I folded my hands in my lap and sat forward. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Mom and I are moving,” I started. “Dad took off. Did you know that?”

“No.” Pity flickered in his eyes, and I looked away. “But I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I waved away his words with a flick of my wrist. I didn’t come here for sympathy. I came here for answers. “So tonight I was packing up Ben’s things and I found something.”

I could tell by his expression that he knew what was coming, but he did his best to mask it. “What kind of something?”

“Drugs.” I let the word hover in the air, thick like a plume of smoke.

Kevin didn’t even bat an eye. He stared at me dead on. “Drugs, huh?”

I nodded. “Did you know he was using?”

At first I thought he was going to say no, but then he slowly bobbed his head up and down. “Yes, I knew. I tried to get him to stop when I found out, but by then it was too late.”

“You weren’t using with him?” I found this hard to believe. Ben and Kevin had been inseparable since grade school. They did everything together.

“No.”

“Who was he using with?” I tried to think of Ben’s other friends. I couldn’t picture any of them using drugs. Then again, Ben didn’t fit the profile either.

“Some guys you don’t know.”

A memory hit me, fast like a lightning bolt. One afternoon, I ran into Ben at a park near our house. He was talking to a guy I’d never seen before. Curious, I approached them. Ben introduced the guy as Felix. Said he played football for another high school, and that’s how they’d met. But even at the time it seemed odd. Then again, Ben had never given me reason to distrust him, so I let it go. Now I wondered if I should have pressed Ben about the guy.

“Did you know Felix?” I asked now.

Kevin’s head whipped up as if he’d been slapped. “Who?”

“Felix. I met him once with Ben,” I explained. “Was he one of the guys Ben was using with?”

“I don’t know anything about that guy.”  I could tell he was lying, but then he bent toward me, his face serious. “Look, Addie. Ben’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring him back. Snooping around isn’t smart.”

My stomach twisted into knots. “What are you saying, Kevin? Was Ben in some kind of trouble?”

“What I’m saying is that the guys that Ben was involved with weren’t selling candy. They were selling drugs. They aren’t the kind of people you need to be sniffing around.”

“I’m not sniffing around anything,” I said defensively. “I’m just looking for answers. I’m trying to understand why my brother, who was talented, and smart, and had a bright future, would kill himself without any warning.” My voice was rising, my emotions getting the better of me.

Kevin stood and sat beside me. “I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too. And I miss him just like you do. But digging into his past isn’t going to make this better. I mean, do you feel better now that you know he was using drugs?”

“No,” I said sullenly.

“Then let this go. Focus on remembering the good things about Ben. That’s what I do.”

“I want to. I really do. But I feel like I have no closure. I mean, maybe if he left a note or something, but he didn’t.”

Kevin’s hand landed on my shoulder. “It’s time to let him go.”

I opened my mouth to speak when a knock on the door startled me. A look of sheer panic crossed Kevin’s face. What was that about?

“Stay here,” he commanded, as he slid off the couch.

Holding my breath, I stayed completely still as he answered the door.

“Where’s Addie?” Sawyer’s voice crashed into the room. When I turned around, Sawyer was racing inside, his gaze darting around frantically.

“I’m right here.” I hopped off the couch so he could see me.

He hurried to me, pulling me into his arms. An audible sigh escaped from his mouth. “You were in here for so long. I got worried.”

“We were just talking,” I said softly to him.

Kevin watched on, a dumbfounded expression on his face. “What’s going on, man?
The way you came tearing in here it’s like you thought I would attack her or something.” He said it in a joking way, but I could tell he was irritated. Then his lips curved up into a smile. “Oh, I get it. She told you about the crush she used to have on me, huh?”

My cheeks heated up. “Shut up. That was when I was like five. I’ve been over that for years.”

“Still, it got your boyfriend here worried.” Kevin chuckled, and I was grateful for the jovial shift in the mood.

“All right.” I stepped away from Sawyer toward Kevin. “We should get going. Thanks for talking to me.” I gave him a quick hug and then made my way toward the door.

Before we could reach it, Kevin stopped Sawyer. “Promise me you’ll keep her out of this. It’s not safe for her to keep digging around.”

It was the same thing he’d said to me, and my chest tightened. Why did he keep saying that? I wanted to press him further, to find out what he was hiding, but Sawyer thanked him and then ushered me outside. Clearly, he was taking Kevin’s advice seriously.

The entire drive back to my house he made me promise to do what Kevin said and stay out of this. To appease him, I said I would. But deep down I wasn’t sure it was possible. It was obvious that there was more to my brother’s death than what I knew.

And I was still determined to figure out what it was.