Forever Altered (13 page)

“The
dinner is only semi-formal.  You can just wear something you already
have,” Rocco says from behind me.  “It’s at the country club my mom and
stepdad belong to, but it’s more like a family night.  The families we
help out will be there and my mom makes sure there is a room set up for the
kids to play.  It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“Do
you look at me at all?”  He doesn’t understand what I’m asking him. 
“Jeans are about the nicest thing I own.  Besides, do you think Leah would
let me get out of going shopping for a new dress and shoes?”

“Leah
Walsh is your roommate?”  Paige asks.

“Yup. 
Is she so unique that you could pick her out from what I just said?”  I’m
smiling because if you know Leah, all you’d need to hear is shoe
shopping.  She has more shoes than I have space to keep them.

Paige
laughs.  “She sits next to me in my Creative Writing class.  I don’t
think I’ve ever seen her wear the same pair of shoes twice.”  It’s
probably true knowing her.  “We have a good time in that class.”

“Well,
if you know my best friend and can tolerate her, please come shopping with
us.  I’ll need the support,” I offer. 

“Maybe
I will.  Thanks for inviting me,” she says giving me another hug.

“Now
this, a guy could get used to,” Logan says smiling up at us. 

“Shut
the fuck up, Logan,” Paige and I say at the same time.  The other three
guys are hysterical.

“Back
to Saturday, you girls plan it out.  Let us know where we are going. 
I vote for bowling,” Shane says.

“Bowling?”
I ask.

“That’s
what I said.  I haven’t bowled in years.  It would be fun with all
the people that are going.  Bring everyone from your apartment,” he
says.  “Afraid you will get your ass beat, Philly girl?” 

I
roll my eyes at him.  “You guys know I’m not actually from Philly, right?”

“South
Jersey.  Philly.  What’s the difference?” Shane harasses
me.  

“I’m
going to walk you to your room before you beat my roommate up,” Rocco
interrupts taking my hand again pulling me toward the door. 

“You
can stay and watch the game if you want.  I’ll be fine to walk around the
corner,” I tell him, but the expression on his face says he won’t have it any
other way.  “Good night,” I call over my shoulder to everyone.

It
should only take less than a minute to walk from Rocco’s door to mine, but he
is dragging it out.  When we finally reach my door, he gives me his sad
puppy dog eyes.  I open the door and hold it gesturing for him to go
inside.  His smile returns as he walks by me.  Leah and Tyler are
laying on the couch watching the same hockey game.  Lucky me.  Rocco
pulls a chair out in the middle of the room to get closer to the TV.

“Hey. 
How was dinner?” Leah asks.

“How
the hell can you see the puck on this small thing?” he asks leaning forward.

“It
was nice.  Erin and Jules at the party?”  I don’t need to ask. 
Where else would they be on a Tuesday night? 

“Of
course.  Tommy promised to make sure they got home tonight or at least get
them back to his apartment instead of sleeping on some random person’s
couch.  Guess we’ll see,” Leah says annoyed.  She is always worrying
about them.

“I’m
going to jump in the shower real quick.  You okay here?” I ask Rocco.

“Sure.” 
He looks away from the TV with his eyebrows raised.  “Unless you need me
to help you.”     

“I’m
good,” I assure him rolling my eyes yet again.  Leah and Tyler are
laughing because they know how I can be. 

The
three of them are talking in the living room just low enough, so they cannot be
heard over the rustling of me getting my stuff ready.  To be honest, I
really don’t want to hear what they are saying.  More than likely,
whatever is being said is something at my expense.  Some friends I have,
right?  The water being turned on drowns out all sounds of their
conversation.  Usually, I spend an awfully long time in the shower, but
since Rocco is waiting, my hair can wait until tomorrow to be washed. 
When I’m done showering and brushing my teeth, I walk out of the bathroom to
find Rocco laying on my bed staring at the ceiling.  He doesn’t move or
even glance in my direction.

“You
okay?” I ask walking over to the side of my bed.  The intense look on his
face has me worried.  “What’s wrong?”

He
gets up off of my bed without saying anything, then pulls down my comforter and
fixes my pillows close to how I would have done it myself.  “I’m going to
tuck you in,” he explains motioning for me to get in.  My favorite smile
is nowhere to be found.  After climbing in, he pulls the blankets over me
and lays down on top of them facing me.  He’s rubbing the side of my face
the same way my aunt used to when I couldn’t sleep as a little kid.

“You’re
starting to freak me out,” I confess.

“I’m
sorry.  I was just thinking,” is the only thing he says.

When
he doesn’t continue on his own, I urge him.  “About?”

Rocco
closes his eyes briefly and sighs.  “I’m a little concerned this will all
fall apart in front of me and I won’t be able to stop it.”  His reply has
me thinking this could mean more than just about the two of us.  “I don’t
want to bring this up, but,” he pauses and rolls onto his back again.  “I
just have to know.”

“You
have to know what?” I ask cautiously.  I lay my hand on his chest to get
his attention back to me. 

“Do
you still love him?”  My breath releases again.  Was I even holding
it?  “Are you still in love with Jeff?”  His eyes are closed and the
frown on his face makes me believe he thinks he knows the answer before I even
give it to him.  He has no idea how wrong he is.

“No,”
I answer without even considering it.  I don’t think I have been in love
with him since the moment I walked out of his room that night.  Rocco
opens his eyes and finally looks at me.  “I stopped loving him long before
you even took it upon yourself to sit next to me.  It’s just the hurt that
haunts me sometimes.  The hurt makes me afraid of what could happen again.”   

Rocco’s
hand goes into my hair and he pulls me to him, so he can kiss my
forehead.  “I won’t hurt you.  I won’t let anyone else hurt you,
either.”

While
I want to believe the words he is promising me, I know better.  The world
has a way of sneaking up and biting you on the ass sometimes.  “You cannot
control everything, Rocco.  No one can.  You cannot guarantee I will
never be hurt again and no one is asking you to.”

He
sighs as he lets go of my hair and pulls me to lay against his chest. 
“Tomorrow, after lab, will you go somewhere with me?”

“Where?”
I ask relaxing next to him closing my eyes.

“It’s
a secret.”        

“Okay,”
I say yawning.  Normally, I would have insisted on him telling me.

He
chuckles lightly.  “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.  Sweet
dreams, Sunshine.”

“Good
night, Rocco.”  I’m too tired to argue with him.  Besides, I’m really
comfortable lying next to him.  At least he’s not sitting up on the hard
couch.  It doesn’t take long for me to doze off.

Rocco

Last
night when I left Alyssa’s apartment, there was finally a sense of calm
settling over me.  Not only did she tell me she wasn’t in love with her ex
anymore, she also fell asleep with me again.  The best part was when I
slid out of her bed, she muttered my name in her sleep and her hand reached out
searching for me.  At first, I thought she had woken up or maybe wasn’t
asleep after all, but then she relaxed and her breathing was at a calm, steady
pace.  After placing one last kiss on her cheek, I unwillingly left her
room.  Once I finally made it back to my apartment, it didn’t take long to
fall asleep myself. 

I
made sure to get up early this morning to hit the gym before class.  It
had been a few days since being there last and I didn’t want to make a habit
out of skipping it.  Good thing that was where most of my time was spent
last weekend.  Now I’m waiting outside of the classroom for Alyssa. 
A note is hanging on the door saying lab is canceled today because the
professor had a family emergency.  It pisses me off how every other
student in my class is either irritated about not being notified before they
walked over here or they are just excited they don’t have to do a lab
today.  These people are so rude.  Earlier Carrie came up to me with
some bullshit about me wasting my time with Alyssa.  Needless to say, I
set her straight real quick and sent her away sulking.

“I
was hoping to catch you alone today,” one of the most obnoxious voices I’ve
ever heard said.

“Go
away,” I responded not even looking at her.

“Why
so cruel, Rocco?  Because you know what I’m about to tell you is the
truth?” she whined as her groupie stood by her side being equally as obnoxious.

“And
what would that be?” I dared her to say.

“This
girl isn’t worthy of your time.  She isn’t anything special and deep down,
you know it.”

I
shook my head wondering who the hell she thought she was.  “Let me make
myself perfectly clear, Carrie,” I started.  “There is no one in this
world who is more special than Alyssa Adler.  No one.  And for future
reference, even if she comes to her senses and realizes I’m not good enough for
her, I still would not give you the time of day.  I’ve never liked
anything about you and I never will.” 

About
ten minutes after the last group of students left, Alyssa comes into the
hallway through the stairwell door behind me.  I turn around to see her
beautiful face smiling at me.  Seeing her smile is just as contagious as
when someone yawns and you cannot help but yawn right along with them. 

“Hey,”
she says as I bend down to kiss her cheek.

“Good
Morning, Sunshine,” I greet her.

“What
are you doing out here?  Don’t you usually have half the lab done by now?”
she teases.

“Lab
is canceled.  Family emergency,” I tell her pointing to the note on the
door behind me. 

Her
smile fades away being replaced by a frown when she reads the note.  “I
hope everything is okay.”  Of course my girl is the only one to say the
right thing.   

“Come
on.  Let’s go.  I already turned in our lab,” I say turning her to
walk down the hallway. 

The
weather could not be any more perfect for what I have planned today.  It’s
a crisp fall day with barely any clouds in the bright, blue sky. 
Thankfully, there is only a little breeze.  I was hoping it wouldn’t be
too windy.  The leaves have finally started to change color.  In
about two months, I’ll be ready for spring.  Right now is the best time of
year.  Cooler weather after a long hot summer is refreshing, but once the
trees are bare, I’ve had enough. 

“So,
care to share this secret of yours?”  She remembered.  I was afraid
she was too tired when I asked her last night. 

“Nope,”
I answer.  She nudges my arm making me chuckle.  “I can’t tell you
now.  It would ruin it.  At least we can go now instead of later.”

“Want
me to drive?”  She might be trying to trick me into telling her what’s
going on.

“No
way.  Then I’d have to tell you where we are going and what we are
doing.  Nice try.”  She giggles at me.  When she looks at me
like that, she could probably get me to tell her anything she wants to
hear. 

“That
wasn’t what I was trying to do.  I just feel bad that you are always the
one driving,” she responds.  We’ve reached the bottom of the steps outside
of the apartment building.  “Can we run our stuff in?  I don’t want
to drag this backpack around if I don’t have to.”

“Sure. 
I want to grab something to eat real
quick
anyway.”

“Did
you oversleep this morning?”  She looks worried.

“No,
actually I got up early and went to the gym.  I never eat before working
out.” 

“Oh
okay.  I thought maybe you haven’t been getting enough sleep because
you’ve stayed late with me the last two nights.”  Something tells me she
isn’t convinced.

“Sunshine,
even if I was losing sleep over being with you, it would totally be worth
it.  How did you sleep last night?”  I’ve been curious to know.

“Not
as well as the night before.”  She smiles up at me.  “Thanks for
staying with me until I fell asleep.  I haven’t slept as well as I have
the last two nights in a while.”

“Guess
I’ll have to start sleeping with you every night,” I say coaxing a bigger smile
from her. 

She
pulls out her card to get us into the building.  Motioning to the
mailroom, she says, “Remind me to check my mailbox later.  Lori was
supposed to send the wedding invitation out on Monday morning, so we should get
it today.  Sure you still want to go with me?”

“Absolutely.” 
I know I’m grinning like an idiot.  She is crazy to think I’d willingly be
anywhere other than with her.  “Run your stuff back to your room and then
come over whenever you are ready.  The door will be propped open so just
come in.  The guys will be asleep for a least another hour, so you won’t
have to worry about running into any of them.”  I watch her as she walks
away from me until she rounds the corner.  I know I promised myself not to
sleep with her just yet, but she is making it extremely difficult.  For
some reason, she has this feeling that she is just like any other girl to
me.  I want to prove to her how wrong she is, but it’s so damn hard to
keep my hands off of her when she looks so good all the time.  She has
this false impression that if she doesn’t get all dressed up, she’s
invisible.  There are always guys checking her out and she never even
notices them.  Unfortunately, I do and it tests my patience every time. 
At least no one is stupid enough to try talking to her.

I’m
washing out my cereal bowl when Alyssa finally comes through the door. 
“Hey.  I thought you might have changed your mind about coming with me.”

“Never. 
Leah was up.  She was talking to me about going shopping on Saturday and
she’s excited about Paige tagging along.  She may not sleep for the next
few nights,” she says.  “You’ve seen how she gets when she’s
excited.” 

“Girls
are weird,” I say to her grabbing my jacket off of the chair.  “Ready?” 

She
smiles up at me nervously.  “Not sure since I have no idea where we are
going.”

“Oh
come on.  Don’t be such a baby,” I tease pushing her toward the
door. 

When
I pull up to the small card store a mile down the road from campus, she looks
over to me puzzled.  “It’s just a stop along the way.  I’ll be right
back,” I say leaving the car running for her. 

A
few minutes later, I come out of the store carrying a dozen navy blue helium
filled balloons.  As I’m trying to shove them in my back seat, she is
shaking her head at me.  “We totally should have taken my car.”  I
glance over at her asking why she thinks that would have been a better
idea.  “I have a Rav4.  They would have gone right in the back with
no problem.”  She’s right.  I should have thought this out a little
better. 

Eventually
they are shoved into the backseat and she hounds me to tell her what they are
for the entire twenty minute drive to the park that I have been to many times
before.  The parking lot is not very big, but it doesn’t matter since no
one else is here at this time of day while the kids are in school.  During
the summer, this small place is full of families, especially on Saturday
afternoons.  A fairly new playground for the kids to play on sits just
inside a fenced-in area.  Behind that, there are about a dozen or so
picnic tables and a bunch of grills are off to the side.  A small sized
lake is the perfect backdrop for this quiet little park.  The colorful
trees along the back of the lake are a reminder of why this is one of my
favorite places to escape to.  The open field to the right of all of this
is where the guys and I sometimes come to play football when we want to get
away from campus.  Sometimes, I come here alone.  The peacefulness of
this place is just what you need to clear your head.

Alyssa
waits for me to come around to her side of the car before she gets out. 
She’s learning.  When I open her door and reach for her hand, she looks at
me probably thinking I have lost my mind.  “Trust me,” I tell her after getting
the balloons from the backseat.  We walk around the playground and I sit
on top of one of the picnic tables closer to the lake still holding the
balloons.  I tap the spot next to me and tell her to climb up.  She
does, but she still looks apprehensive.

“It’s
beautiful here,” Alyssa says quietly.  She is looking around taking it all
in.

“It
is,” I agree watching her appreciate the beautiful park.

“How
did you find this place?” she wonders.

“It
was purely accidental.  I turned around in the parking lot one time,” I
tell her.

“Alright. 
Enough small talk, Matthews.  Spill it.  What are we doing
here?  I’m about to get really impatient,” she says trying to sound tough.

“
About
to get impatient?  What do you call the last twenty minutes?”  This makes
her laugh. 

“Warm
up,” she winks at me.  Once again, I’m sitting here appreciating how truly
beautiful she really is.  The way the morning sun is glistening off of her
long, curly hair and the sparkle in her eyes has me wondering if she ever looks
in the mirror.  How can she think for one second she could pull off being
invisible?  How can I get mad when other guys stare at her?  If she
wasn’t mine, I wouldn’t think twice about staring either.  

“Okay,”
I start to say untying the knot the silver ribbons are loosely tied into, so
the balloons can be separated.  “I think, in order for us to have a chance
at making this work, we should start from the beginning.  We both carry
around baggage daily we need to let go of.  These balloons are going to be
the baggage we are going to unload.  Today.” 

“Rocco,”
she’s shaking her head.  “Some stuff cannot just go away by releasing a
balloon into the air.”

I
pull one of the balloons away from the bunch and hold it out to her.  “Your
first one needs to be your trust issues.  I’ve done nothing to hurt
you.  Give me a chance.”  After considering what I’ve said, she takes
the string from me and is looking up at the balloon she is holding just above
eye level.  “I get that other people have hurt you, Alyssa.  I’m not
asking you to trust them.  I’m asking you to trust me.”

Alyssa
turns to look at me.  She takes in a deep breath.  When letting it
out, she lets go of the balloon leaving a half smile on her face.  We both
turn to watch the balloon float into the air until we cannot see it
anymore.  I hold out another ribbon to her and she takes it right away
this time watching me.  “Jeff and any other ex-boyfriends that have hurt
you.  They didn’t deserve to have you in the first place.”  The
string is gone from her fingers and she doesn’t even watch this one drift away.

When
I go to give her another one, she shakes her head and pushes my hand
away.  “Your turn,” she says staring me right in the eye with sheer
determination.  “What happened to your dad was not your fault.  Let
go of the guilt you’ve been walking around with for fourteen years.”  All
of the shrinks my mom has taken me to since my dad died weren’t able to touch
the responsibility I’ve felt over this.  The look in her eyes makes me
believe, even if momentarily, it really wasn’t my doing.

“How
did you know?” I ask her.

“It
was all over your face when I asked about your tattoo the other day.  Your
dad loved you, Rocco.  Yes, he died protecting you, but it wasn’t your
fault.  Any parent who loves their child would have done the same
thing.  You should feel honored your dad cared about you.  Remember
what my mom did.  Anyone can have a kid, but it takes a special person to
actually be a parent and do the job well.”  I feel tears building that
I’ve repressed for many years.  This wasn’t supposed to be about me. 
This was supposed to be about Alyssa letting go of her shit.  “He would be
so proud of you,” she whispers putting her hand on my arm that is holding the
balloon.  When I look at her, she tilts her head to the direction the last
two balloons went.  I let it slip through my fingers and she wraps her
arms around my waist as far as her small arms allow her and lays her head on my
shoulder as we watch it float away.