Forever Altered (14 page)

Now
that I’ve regained control of myself, I hand her another string.  “I think
it’s only appropriate you let go of thinking you aren’t good enough.  My
guess is it’s because of your mother leaving you.  It was her loss,
Sunshine.  She missed out on the life of the most beautiful woman in the
entire world.”  This gets me a small chuckle as she lets go.  I see
her glancing at the balloon for a few seconds then she looks back to me. 
We both turn at the sound of a minivan pulling into the parking lot behind us. 
A young mother and her two small children have come to enjoy the beautiful
day.  Alyssa smiles watching the kids run away from their mother to jump
onto the swings.  

“Your
turn, again, Mr. Know-It-All,” she says punching me in the leg.  I pull
out another string and hold my breath for what she has planned next.  She
better not make me cry in front of her, I’d never be able to show my face
again.  “Let go of your need to control things and people outside of your
power.”  I start to speak, but she doesn’t let me.  “You cannot
control the world, Rocco.  No one can.  Let it go.”  There is no
arguing with her.  I let it go thinking how no matter what, I will still
try to protect her from anything she needs protection from for as long as
she’ll let me.  I know I’ll do it for the rest of my life.

“I
only have one more request from you,” I don’t look at her.  I’m looking
out over the lake.  “I want you to let go of feeling like you’re just
another girl to me.  The way you make me feel is completely
different.  That part of my life has been over since I saw you standing in
the laundry room and I didn’t even know it.” 

She
reaches over pulling a string from the few that are remaining.  She
immediately lets go of it.  “Done,” she tells me confidently and kisses me
on the cheek.  “Can I have two of them, please?”  I hand her two
balloons and she ties the strings together in a tight bow.  “These aren’t
for letting go of anything.  These are for my aunt and uncle who I miss
terribly every single day.  I know they are happy because they are
together.  That’s all they ever wanted out of life, but I still miss
them.”  She whispers how she loves them and lets the balloons go.  I
watch her as she watches them disappear into the sky.  She sheds a few
tears before taking a deep breath and wiping her face. 

“There
are four left.  Anything else you need to let go of?” I ask her draping my
arm around her shoulders.

“No. 
I’m good.  You?”  I shake my head.  “Do you mind if I take
them?”  I hand her the last couple strings that are wrapped around my
hand.  She gives me a quick peck on my cheek and says she’ll be right
back.  She jogs over to the playground and after asking their mother,
hands both of the boys a balloon.  They each hug her and Alyssa gives the
last of the balloons to the mom.  I see her talking to the family for a
few minutes before she walks back to me.

“I
see you made some new friends,” I say.

“Friends? 
Not really.  Anyone shorter than me scares the hell out of me.  That
was just to ensure I’m able to walk by them later, unharmed.”  She looks
like she might actually be telling me the truth, so I laugh at her.

“You’re
kidding me, right?  You were over there with them for about two minutes
and they fell in love with you.” 

She
turns around to glance at them again and they wave to her.  She
laughs.  “Seriously.  I’m petrified of little kids.  As soon as
I turned about fifteen, they started haunting me in my dreams.”  She
shudders.  “Thank you for bringing me here today.  It was very
enlightening.” 

“You’re
very welcome.  I hope it helps you.  You deserve to live a life
without anything holding you down,” I say wrapping my arms around her and
pulling her up against the side of me.  It doesn’t matter that we may have
an audience.  I want to hold my girlfriend.  “You know when my dad
died, I thought my heart was broken forever.  It turns out, it just needed
a reason to start beating again.  You’ve given my heart a reason to
live.”  Alyssa apparently doesn’t care about there being little kids
behind us.  The kiss she gives me will linger in my head for a really long
time.  She pulls away leaving the both of us breathless and I’m ready to
lay her on this table, taking her right here and now.

“Do
you need me to throw you in the lake?” she asks smirking.  Guess she does
know she is tormenting the shit out of me.  I jump off of the table and
lift her up putting her over my shoulder the way I did in the parking lot of
the restaurant the other day.  She is laughing uncontrollably.  When
she realizes I’m walking toward the water, she starts to panic.  “Don’t
you dare,
Rocco!
”  Her shouting gets louder the
closer we get.  “Don’t forget I have to get in your car!” 

Now
it’s my turn to laugh.  I pull her off of my shoulder to hold her in my
arms across the front of me.  She wraps her arms around my neck as tight
as she can.  “You don’t really think I’d put you in the lake, do you?” I
ask. 

“I
don’t doubt it for one second,” she states without question.  One of her
hands go into my hair and she pulls my lips to hers again. 

“We
need to get out of here before these little kids get a lesson in life their
mother probably doesn’t want them to have for many years,” I whisper softly
putting her down.  She hugs me tightly before we start to walk back to the
car.

We
are passing the playground when the two kids slide down the slide and run over
to the fence.  “Are you and your friend coming to play with us,
Alyssa?”  The smaller boy asks.  Even little kids are not immune to
her beauty.  I cannot catch a break.  

“Guys,
this is Rocco,” she says walking over to the fence.    

“Is
he your boyfriend?”  This time it’s the older one who cannot be more than
four years old asking.

“Yes,
he is,” she says grinning.

“I
don’t think he should be your boyfriend,” he says crossing his arms over his
chest and a scowl on his face.

“Oh,
why not?” Alyssa asks him bending down, so she’s the same height he is.

“Cause
I should be your boyfriend,” he tells her. 

“What?” 
I say to him teasingly.  “No way.  I saw her first!  There’s no
way I’m going to let you get away with that.”  Not waiting for a reply, I
leap over the lower part of the fence and start to chase him.  He runs
away screaming and laughing.  His younger brother is following behind the
both of us.  I see the boys’ mom walking over to Alyssa who has let herself
in the gate.  The two of them are laughing at the three of us running
around and climbing up the ladders and slides of the jungle gym.  After
about twenty minutes of chasing them and being chased, I scoop up the two boys,
throw each one over a shoulder before walking over to Alyssa and their
mom.  “I think these belong to you,” I say not putting down the squirmy
kids.

“No,
I don’t think they do,” their mom says chuckling.

“Mommy,
you know us!”  Jake says while Joey says, “We are Joey and Jake!” 
They are laughing so hard they can barely get the words out.

“Oh,
right.  That does sound a little familiar," she says.  I put
them down and they scurry over to her.  Watching as she holds her arms out
to them reminds me of when I was little.  The smile on my mom’s face all
the time is something I will never forget.  “Thank you for playing with
them.  They may actually take a nap today which means I might have a
minute to relax.”  She smiles at me. 

“My
pleasure.  They are good kids, as long as they stay away from my
girlfriend,” I tease Jake again. 

He’s
hiding behind his mom.  “No way!”  We are all amused by his comeback.

“It
was really nice meeting all of you,” Alyssa says to them.

“Thank
you for the balloons and for playing with us,” the kids shout.  There are
a few more goodbyes between the five of us. 

We
wave leaving the playground and return to my car.  “You were really good
with the boys.  I would have never guessed.”  I try to look insulted
until she adds, “You will make a really great dad someday.” 

I’m
sure the surprise at what she just said is all over my face.  I’ve never
even considered having kids before.  “That will only happen if I find the
perfect someone willing to make me a dad someday.”  I reach for her hand
and bring her fingers to my lips.  “There’s somewhere else I want to take
you today, but we have a couple hours to kill.  We don’t have to be there
until one o’clock.  What do you want to do now?”

“Do
you think two secrets in one day is a good idea?”  She looks even more
worried than she did earlier. 

“This
one wasn’t so bad, was it?”  I start the car ready to take her wherever
she wants to go.

“No
it wasn’t.  I appreciate what you did for me today.  You are proving
to be a pretty classy guy, Rocco Matthews.”

“You
had doubts?” I ask raising an eyebrow at her.

She
rolls her eyes at me.  “Did you forget I have class at five tonight?”

“Oh
shit.  I did.  You might be late.  I’m not sure how long this
thing will take.”  How did I forget her class?

“Classy
guy to bad influence in a matter of seconds.  Interesting,” she taunts
making me feel guilty.  

“We’ll
work it out,” I decide.  I don’t want to cancel this appointment.  It
was pure luck to be able to get something so soon.  “So where to now?”

“Let’s
get something to eat and then if there’s time we should go back to my room to
grab my stuff for class in case we run late.”

“Your
wish is my command, Sunshine.”

Alyssa

After
a wonderful morning at the park with Rocco, I am feeling a little lighter
emotionally.  It is hard to believe that stressing over so many things
could make you feel like you are physically carrying around so much extra
weight.  When he first told me the point of the balloons, I was extremely
skeptical.  How is it possible that watching a helium filled piece of
rubber float away into the sky could help release the burden of issues that are
bothering you?  Now that I’m sitting here thinking about the whole time we
spent together earlier, the freedom from the stress is exhilarating.  It’s
easier to breathe, to smile, to simply feel happy. 

We
grabbed a quick lunch at a small café that Rocco knew about.  There was an
outdoor seating area which was open today since it was beautiful out, so we
took advantage of it along with two other groups of people.  The section
with about six tables was to the side of the building which allowed us to watch
as people walked by.  The owner of the place knew Rocco’s stepdad, so he
came out to sit with us for a little bit.  He looked so relaxed while
catching up with the old family friend.

Now
we are back in Rocco’s car traveling to the next destination of the day. 
He still hasn’t told me where we are going, but honestly, it doesn’t really
matter.  As long as I’m spending time with him, I don’t care what we are
doing.  About fifteen minutes later, at around quarter to one, we pull
into a parking lot of a decent sized shopping center.  The low, one-story,
red brick building looks practically brand new.  Along the front, there
are a couple different clothing stores, a shoe store, and on the corner there
is a jewelry store whose windows wrap around the building.  When we get to
the end of the walkway, there is another strip of stores that goes straight
back.  Some of these are more stores and some are offices.  Rocco
finally stops at the last door.  There is a sign that says ‘Zac’s Place’
in the window.  I cannot tell from the outside what kind of place it is. 
 

When
Rocco opens the door and signals for me to walk through ahead of him, I
recognize immediately that we are in a tattoo parlor.  Confusion sweeps
over me.  “Okay.  What’s up?” I ask him.

Before
he has a chance to answer me, a tall and very muscular guy walks out from the
back room.  Both of his arms are tattooed from the wrists up under his
short-sleeved black t-shirt, up both sides of his neck.  He is actually
very attractive looking even with the piercing through his bottom lip.  It
seems to suit him perfectly.  Combine the tattoos, the piercing along with
the short haircut he is sporting and his bad boy look is complete. 

“Rocco
Matthews!  How the hell have you been, man?” the guys asks and shakes
hands in that confusing way guys do with Rocco.

“Not
bad.  How’s it going?  Looks like business is going well,” Rocco says
gesturing to the setup he has going here. 

“Couldn’t
be better.  My wife is pregnant with baby number two.  Life is really
great,” he says. 
                     

“Congrats. 
I cannot believe Tiffani is still putting up with your sorry ass,” he laughs
shaking his head.

“I
still wonder every day when she will kick my ass to the curb,” the guy replies
laughing with him.  “Who is this beautiful girl standing here and what the
fuck is she doing with your ugly ass?” 

  “This
is my girlfriend, Alyssa.  This jerk off is Zac.  We went to high
school and played football together for a few years.”

  Zac
reaches out for my hand and I shake it.  “Nice to meet you,” I say.

  “Rocco
Matthews finally has a girlfriend?  Guess you were waiting for
perfection,” he winks at me.  “So, what can I do for you today?” 

  “Not
me.  Alyssa,” Rocco says with a cocky look leaning his elbow on the glass
countertop.  What the hell did he just say?

Zac
turns to look at me.  “You want to tattoo that amazing skin of yours,
Sweetheart?”

“No
way,” I say backing up holding my hands out.

“Don’t
give me that bullshit.  You said you wanted one.  Zac is free. 
Do it.”  He’s ready to catch me if I try to make a run for the door. 

I
start shaking my head.  “I also told you I was too afraid.”

“There’s
nothing to be afraid of.  I’m here to hold your hand.”  Rocco is
walking towards me holding his hand out.  When he reaches me, I’m pulled
in to his chest and he kisses me.  Suddenly, I cannot remember what I was
even thinking about let alone afraid of.  “I promise,”
he
says, “I wouldn’t let just anyone touch you.  Zac is an incredible
artist.  Besides, he knows I’ll kick his ass if he screws this up.” 
I can hear Zac chuckling behind Rocco. 

“Okay. 
Let’s get this over with,” I sigh. 

“That’s
my girl.”  He kisses my cheek.

“Do
you have an idea of what you want or do you need to look through these
portfolios?” Zac asks directing my attention to the stacks of books.

“I
know exactly what I want,” I tell him pulling my phone out of my back
pocket.  I scroll through the pictures stored on my phone.  It takes
a few seconds to find the picture of the tattoo I have wanted for over two
years now.  

I
hand my phone over to Zac.  “That will look perfect on you.  You want
this on your foot like in the picture?” 

“I
do, but I want to change the design a little,” I say.

“Is
it okay if I text it to my phone?  This way I can print it out and then
you can tell me how you want it.”  I tell him to go ahead.  “Don’t
worry, Alyssa.  I’ll be as gentle as I can.  I’ll be right
back.”  He goes back into the office.    

“You
don’t hate me, do you?” Rocco asks trying to figure out if I’m really alright
with this.

“I
could never hate you,” I reassure him.  I’m quite excited about this
now.  It’s something I’ve always wanted but would have never done on my
own. 

Zac
comes out of the back room with the picture printed on a piece of white paper
laying it on the counter.  He grabs a stool and holds it out for me to sit
on.  “Okay, Sweetheart.  Challenge me,” he says with another wink
taking the pencil from behind his ear.

It’s
not that hard to explain when you have been envisioning it for this long. 
“First of all, I don’t want it this long.  Maybe only two or three
inches.”  He jots that down on the paper.  “I’m thinking it should
start just below my second toe then angle to the outside of my ankle.”  He
nods.  “I like the vines that are in the background, but I would rather
they are more like swirls.  Sort of like wind, but prettier, if that makes
any sense.”  He starts drawing next to the picture I sent him.  When
he’s finished, he holds the paper out to me.  I cannot help my
smile.  Rocco was right.  Zac is a very gifted artist.  He drew
some simple swirling lines, but then decorated them by adding fancy patterns
around some of the curling parts and then simply doubled the lines in other
areas.  “Perfect!  Now this one uses all different butterflies. 
I only want to use one specific butterfly, three or four times, and in
different spots within flight.”

“You
mean one with wings open, one with the wings closed, and maybe one or two more
at different spots in between?” Zac looks for confirmation.

“Exactly,”
I tell him.  “I like this one they have here,” I say pointing to the
picture.  The design seems simple to repeat, but it’s still pretty. 
“I also like that theirs is all black, but could I have a hint of blue in the
wings of the butterflies?”

“Absolutely. 
It’s going to look just as beautiful as you, I promise,” he says.  “I’m
going to get set up.  I’m thinking it will probably take about an hour or
so,” he winks again.  “Give me a couple minutes.” 

“Thank
you!”

“You
look as excited as Joey and Jake did when you gave them the balloons today.” Rocco
comes up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist and laying his chin on my
shoulder. 

“What’s
not to be excited about?” I say leaning into him.  “I’m about to do
something I’ve always wanted to do and I have the best boyfriend in the
universe here with me.”

“Yes
you do,” he says pulling me tighter.

“Let
her go, Rocco.  I need her over here,” Zac calls from across the
room. 

“I
have some pretty shitty friends,” he mumbles so low only I can hear him as he
leads me over to Zac’s station.  Once everything is set up and I’m
comfortable, Zac goes to start on my foot.  “Oh shit!  I can’t let
you do this,” Rocco almost shouts making both me and Zac look up at him. 
“I haven’t even met your dad yet.  If I send his perfect daughter home
altered with a tattoo that I took her to get, he’s going to hate me.” 

My
tension subsides the moment I understand why he was starting to freak
out.  I nod to Zac to get started and Rocco stiffens next to me. 
“Rocco, I’m already forever altered because of you and it definitely has
nothing to do with this tattoo.”  He visibly relaxes.  Our eyes are
locked and he draws my lips to his once again. 

“Matthews,
I’m ready to kick your ass out of here,” Zac warns him making me giggle. 

Rocco
takes a step back holding his hands up.  “I’ll behave.  I
promise.”  He winks at me.  “Alright Sunshine.  What’s the story
with the butterflies?  Don’t even try to tell me there isn’t one, either.”

I
take a deep breath and exhale slowly.  “My aunt loved butterflies, so she
had this garden full of plants that attracted them.  We used to sit out
there watching them for hours.  She taught me the names of each type of
butterfly that would come through the garden.  Once I knew all of those,
she bought books and we learned about others we never saw.  One day while
we were playing outside, a crazy storm moved in real fast.  The wind
picked up out of nowhere.”  I pause remembering the day like it was
yesterday.  “There was this Monarch my aunt had pointed out a few minutes
earlier.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw it get caught up in the
wind.  I didn’t even know that could happen.  It seemed so helpless
and I stood there frozen watching it.  My aunt was telling me to get
inside, but my feet were planted to the ground.  When the rain started,
she came over to pick me up.  I lost sight of it before we got into the
house and I started to cry.  She asked what the tears were for.  It
was hard for me to explain to her how I felt like that butterfly.  I felt
like I was lost in the wind with nothing or no one willing to hold me
down.  For a long time, I felt that way, especially after she died.” 
I wince for the first time since Zac had started my tattoo.  It is really
hard not to look at what he is doing, but fear of not letting him finish if I
saw the needle set in.  Plus I want to be surprised when it is all
done.  It must look like I am going to turn my head to glance over because
Rocco put his hand on my chin to keep me from turning.  That or he is
trying to distract me. 

“When
did you stop feeling that way?”  The frown on his face made me a little
sad, but I knew my honest answer would wipe it away.

“This
morning,” I speak so softly he may not even hear me.

Rocco
holds both sides of my face in his hands and tilts his head into mine,
carefully so I don’t move my leg.  “I won’t ever let you feel lost
again.  I promise,” he’s whispering now, then kisses me on the head. 

Neither
one of us moves for a while.  It’s baffling to me how I’ve never felt like
this with anyone before.  When we were together, I could have sworn I was
so in love with Jeff.  No one would have been able to convince me that
what we had was anything other than love.  After all, we had known each
other for over a decade.  There wasn’t anyone who knew us better than we
knew each other.  Now, I feel absolutely nothing for him.  I don’t
even hate him anymore.  The guy before him doesn’t count.  There was
never any love there.  I couldn’t even tell you what that was.  Maybe
I just was fascinated with the idea that someone showed an interest in me. 

Now,
there’s Rocco.  I’ve only known him such a short amount of time.  It
cannot be love, so what the hell could it be?  It’s not possible to love
someone you just met, is it?  The excitement pours through me when I’m
going to see him.  My breath catches when he looks at me certain
ways.  There are even times he can be kissing me or just saying the
sweetest things like he just did, where my heart actually skips a beat. 
Seriously, I can feel it.  Every time it happens, I’m begging for it to
start beating again because the possibility that I could die right then and
miss out on another minute with him is too much to bear.  The way he acts
like there is even a small chance he might feel the same way about me makes me
light-headed.  So, I ask again, what the hell is this? 

Eventually,
Rocco pulls away from me, but he didn’t go far.  He slides a stool over to
sit next to me and holds my hand the rest of the time.  He starts a
conversation with Zac about what they’ve been up to recently and how their
families are doing.  I keep trying to hide how nervous I am that Zac might
mess up because he is really having a good time laughing with Rocco. 
Eventually, a few other people start showing up for work and setting up their
stations before their clients come in.  They are all very nice and all but
one of them know Rocco.  Every time he introduces me as his girlfriend I
think my heart grows a little more, just as his smile does.  When we
finally walk out of Zac’s, the guys promise to get together soon.