Forever and Always (29 page)

“Desk work isn't hard.”

“It would be for a man who was dying.”

Still, he wouldn't let himself hope. “What about my face? I still look like a gargoyle.”

The doctor laughed. “I like a man who can look at a face like that and joke about it.”

“I didn't like the other choice,” Logan told him.

“I can't be sure,” the doctor said, “but I think some of the swelling has gone down. However, I expect Sibyl is a better judge of that.”

Sibyl was getting used to people knowing how she felt about Logan, but she still blushed. “I think you're right, but I was afraid I was seeing what I wanted to see.”

“We can give it a week to make sure the swelling is going down,” the doctor said, “but he's definitely on the mend.”

But Logan couldn't wait a week to hope, to dream, and to plan. He wanted to start right now. He had two brothers who were eager to build on their relationship. He had a beautiful woman in love with him, and a town that cared more for him than Chicago ever had. He had a dog that refused to leave his side, and four children who alternated between hanging on his every word and worrying that he was going to die. How could he possibly wait a whole week to look toward such a future?

The doctor gathered up his instruments. “I doubt we'll ever know what caused your illness, but you appear to have been strong enough to survive it. Being Jared and Colby's brother, I'm not surprised. They're two of the healthiest men I've ever known. I can find my way out,” he said to Sibyl. “I expect you'll want to celebrate Logan's recovery.”

“Thank you for everything you've done,” she told the doctor.

“That's just it. I didn't do anything. He did it all.”

Sibyl turned to Logan after the door closed behind the doctor, happiness radiating from her entire being. “You'll going to get well. I know you're going to get well because I can feel it.” She hugged herself. “I'm so happy I could run down the middle of the street shouting to everybody that you're going to live. I can't wait to tell Kitty.”

“Peter will be unhappy I won't get a chance to see God.”

“Don't tease. You know Peter's been upset at the thought you might die. All of us have. The whole town has.” She went to the door, opened it, and called downstairs. “Kitty, come to Logan's room. We have something wonderful to tell you.”

“Sibyl, the doctor said we wouldn't know for another week.”

“You're going to be fine. I just know it.”

The way Kitty came racing into the room, Logan decided she was taking lessons from Peter.

“What is it, Mama? Logan isn't sick anymore, is he?”

“No, darling. The doctor says Logan is going to get well.” Sibyl paused. “How did you know what I was going to tell you?”

“Dr. Kessling winked at me. He said you had some good news for me. I knew it had to be that, because that's the very best news.” She turned to Logan. “Now you and Mama can get married.”

“Kitty! You can't say things like that to Logan.”

“I already asked him. You said you loved him.”

Sibyl turned pink. “It's impossible to keep any secret in this town. When children know what I'm thinking, I have to be so obvious I might as well announce it in church.”

“It's nothing to be ashamed of,” Logan said.

“I know, but I'd like to have a few things in my life that aren't known to everyone in town.”

“Can I go tell Peter?” Kitty asked. “Aunt Naomi said Peter prays for Logan. Peter never prays for anything but a horse.”

“Of course you can. And while you're at it, you can tell Aunt Naomi, too. Between the two of them, everybody in town will know by bedtime. Take Trusty with you. It's about time for him to go out.”

Trusty didn't agree, but Kitty was insistent. It helped that Sibyl pushed from behind.

Sibyl turned back to Logan. “I know we haven't spoken of it, but I would like to marry you. Kitty needs a father like you, and
I
need you for my husband. I know a woman isn't supposed to ask a man to marry her, but I was afraid you never would.”

Things were moving faster than Logan had ever imagined. He still hadn't gotten used to knowing he would soon be completely well. He knew he was in love with Sibyl, but he'd never thought of marrying her. How could he when he'd been certain he wouldn't live through the summer?

“You can't marry a man who looks like I do.”

“I fell in love with you looking like that, so I don't see why it should make any difference now.”

“You should marry a man you can be proud of, not one who causes people to snicker or look away when he walks by.”

“Nobody in Cactus Corner is going to snicker or look away when you walk by, but it wouldn't change my feelings if they did.”

“I don't think we should talk about this until the doctor says I'm completely recovered. That will give you time to decide if you really do want to marry a gargoyle. It's also something you'll want to talk to your family about.”

Sibyl looked insulted. “I don't need anybody's permission to marry you. Don't you think I'm capable of making up my own mind?”

“Of course I do, but not everybody is going to agree with you. There might be lots of things you haven't taken into consideration.”

Sibyl faced him, hands on hips. “Such as?”

Logan's father had often told him not to make statements when he wasn't ready for the consequences, but there were so many thoughts whirling about in his brain he couldn't think clearly. He'd already mentioned all the obvious obstacles, and he didn't know her family well enough to predict how they would feel about such a marriage.

“You don't know me very well,” he said. “I haven't told you very much about my past.”

“If anyone as condescending as Bridgette thinks you're husband material, there can't be anything really terrible in your past. Besides, you're a member of Chicago's
elite society
. I doubt they accept members who have a questionable past.”

Logan laughed. “They'd accept the devil himself if he had enough money.”

“Well, I might accept the devil himself if I felt about him the way I feel about you.”

It was a good thing Logan heard someone thundering up the steps because he couldn't think of a thing to say to that. Peter burst into the room and almost ran into Sibyl in his hurry to reach Logan.

“Kitty says you're not sick anymore.”

“That's what the doctor says.”

“Does that mean you're going back to Chicago with that lady? I want you to stay here. I don't like her.”

“I'm not going back to Chicago. I like it here.”

“Papa says you're really rich. Would you buy me a horse?”

Both Logan and Sibyl laughed. “Why won't your father buy you a horse?”

“He says I can't have one until I'm responsible enough to take care of it. Mama says they'll both die of old age first.”

More laughter and more pounding up the stairs followed by Kitty leading a procession of Esther and Little Abe into the room. Trusty slipped in between their legs. “You didn't wait for us,” Kitty accused.

“He wanted to get here first,” Esther complained. “He
always
wants to be first.”

“I think we ought to go downstairs,” Sibyl said. “This room is getting a little crowded.”

Getting everyone downstairs wasn't easy. Getting them quiet enough to hear himself think was something else, but Logan didn't care. This was a celebration of life,
his
life, and the noisier the better.

It got considerably noisier before the evening got much older. It was apparent the village grapevine was in full cry because it seemed nearly everyone in town wanted to tell Logan how happy they were. Even Bridgette came over but didn't stay long. No one was willing to yield their position to a woman who was intent on stealing one of their favorite people. The looks she received would have penetrated a skin much tougher than Bridgette's. After Sibyl and the children, the best part of the evening for Logan was his two brothers. Neither attempted to speak to him while the room was crowded. They were content to keep their distance, but they watched the proceedings with broad grins that never flagged. From time to time, one would say something to the other and both would laugh. Logan wanted to know what they were saying, but he would wait. When he found out, he wanted to have a quiet space to enjoy it.

But no evening can last forever, and gradually the last of the well-wishers said their good-byes and left. Naomi took the children home to bed, but Colby stayed until everyone else had gone.

“I think I'm angry with you,” he said to Logan.

Logan had a moment of panic before he realized Colby was smiling. “And why is that?”

“I saved the lives of half the people who were in this room tonight. I dragged their inexperienced hides across a wilderness and practically built a town for them. You arrive two months ago, get sick all over everybody, and they like you better than me.” He turned to Sibyl, who was trying not to laugh. “Is that fair?”

“I don't think they like Logan better than you. You're just so healthy nobody thinks you'll ever die. Logan was a pathetic wreck. Who couldn't be sorry for him? Even the children tried to take care of him.”

Logan had never been the butt of a joke. Nothing had ever happened that would make him think he would like it, but he found himself laughing just as hard as Sibyl and Colby. He had laughed many times before for many reasons, but this time it was different. It was better. It felt good inside, deep inside to places he wasn't sure had been reached before. In a short time, the two people with him had become more important than anyone in his life except the man who'd been his father for nearly thirty years. Still, there was an extra dimension to this relationship that hadn't existed before. One was the first woman he'd ever truly loved. The other was his brother. It was hard to get better than that.

“I'd better be getting home,” Colby said. “Peter is probably still awake waiting for me to tell him if he missed anything exciting. You realize you're not going to be quite as interesting to him in the future. Now that you're no longer dying, you'll probably end up being boring like the rest of us adults.”

“Then I'd better work harder on my stories.”

“Are any of those true?” Colby asked. “Because if they are, you're probably going to have to adopt him. I'm not so special anymore.”

“I don't think you have to worry about that. Every time I finish, he wants to tell me something you've done. He still idolizes you.”

Colby was about to leave, then turned back. “Did he ask you to buy him a horse?”

Logan laughed. “Why?”

“I made the mistake of telling him you were richer than I am. Before he opened his mouth, I knew what he was going to say. I told him if he mentioned a horse to you, I'd gag him.”

“We had a nice visit,” Logan said. “There were so many children in the room I couldn't understand half of what they said.”

“Let's get something straight right now,” Colby said. “If you're going to be Peter's uncle, you've got to be on my side.”

“I thought it was an uncle's job to sympathize with the nephew then send him home so his father could deal with the heavy stuff.”

“You're already worse than Jared,” Colby said in disgust, “but he's got his reward coming. Those adorable babies of his will turn into boys who will run him ragged before they're big enough to be kicked out of the house.”

“Stop talking nonsense,” Sibyl said. “You're nuts about Peter.”

“Well, yeah, but the trouble is he knows it.”

“Don't change,” Logan said. “I wish I had a son like Peter.”

Logan couldn't put his finger on Colby's expression, but it looked a lot like Peter's when he was about to say something naughty.

“I'd say there's a good chance you might have a son, but let's hope he isn't like Peter. I don't think Cactus Corner could stand two of them.”

He seemed pleased to leave Logan and Sibyl staring at each other, neither quite knowing what to say.

“Do you think he was hinting that he thinks we'll get married?” Sibyl asked.

“Sounds like it to me.”

“Then
will
you marry me?”

Logan didn't know how to answer that question. So many different responses collided in his throat that he was unable to utter any of them. How did a man say that the dearest wish of his heart was the one thing his heart wouldn't allow him to do, especially when he wasn't sure
why
his heart wouldn't allow it? How could he say no and make it sound like a yes?

“You know I can't.”

“No, I don't know that. Tell me.”

“For the same reasons I've already given. Nothing has changed.”

“Yes, it has. You're going to get well.”

“Even if I do recover completely—”

“I'm not going to sit here and listen to you give me the same excuses again.” Sibyl rose to her feet. “I'm going to bed. You ought to do the same. Maybe your mind will be working better in the morning.”

“It's not that I don't
want
to marry you. There's nothing I want more.”

“It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like, now that the possibility exists, you're getting cold feet. Or maybe you didn't really love me in the first place. A dying man can say anything he wants because he knows he won't be around to have to live up to his words.”

Logan sprang up from his chair. A momentary dizziness didn't slow him down. He reached for Sibyl's hands, but she pulled them behind her. When he gripped her shoulders, she turned her head aside.

“Look at me.”

“Why should I want to look at a man who swears he loves me but doesn't want to marry me?”

“I
do
want to marry you.”

“Words are easy. I'm only interested in deeds. I want to go to bed.”

“I can't let you go like this.”

“You
let me go
when you refused to marry me. All that remains for you to do is move out. That ought to be easy since you have nothing but the clothes on your back. I'm sure Bridgette will be happy to let you share her room if the hotel is full. Oh, I forgot your dog, but he follows you everywhere. What are you going to do with him now that you're going to get well? Give him back to that brute in Camp Verde? I doubt he'd fit in with the socially elite in Chicago.”

Unable to think of anything to say that would stem this flow of disappointment and anger, Logan took the easy way out and kissed Sibyl. She resisted for a moment, then simply went limp, offering no resistance, but no participation, either. It had to be like kissing a life-sized doll. All the passion was on his side. He could feel a chill spread though him as he pulled away. The look in her eyes deepened it until he actually felt cold.

“I do love you. You must believe that.”

“Maybe you did, but things aren't the same now that you're going to live. You're a rich, prominent citizen of a very important city. You have a business that has been the focus of your life for as long as you can remember. You have a way of life in Chicago that has nothing to do with a little town in the middle of a desert. You have a beautiful woman who shares your kind of life who wants to marry you. Why should you love a widow with a very questionable past? What if it came out that I slept with a man who my father killed and buried in secret? It would be a social disaster. People might stop speaking to you.”

“I don't care about any of that.”

“Of course you do. That was your life. Now that you're going to live, it's only natural that you'd want it back.”

“But I don't want it back.”

“You'll find it hard to explain to your brothers why you're leaving, especially to Colby. He's had the roughest life, so finding his family means the most to him. You don't know it, but he lost his family twice. He didn't get to see Peter and Esther until they were four. Having you leave will break his heart.”

“What about your heart?”

“I thought you knew I didn't have one. I went straight from the bed of the man I loved to marrying a rich man I didn't like without saying a word. A woman who could do that has a cash register for a heart.”

“You can say what you want about me, but I won't let you talk about yourself like that. You were young, frightened, and in shock. It's your father who was to blame.”

“I'm his daughter. There's no reason I shouldn't be just like him.”

This sudden flurry of sharp words and hurt feelings wasn't like Sibyl. Logan was certain she was acting this way out of fear of rejection. But he hadn't rejected her. He just wasn't sufficiently over the shock of being told he would live to think clearly.

“You're not like your father,” he told her. “You're warm and honest and brave.”

“But not warm enough, honest enough, or brave enough for you to marry.”

“I
want
to marry you.”

“But you won't. Are you afraid I'll be disappointed, or that I'll decide it was a mistake? I fell in love with Raymond. That was a mistake. I married Norman. Another mistake. I fell in love with you. I thought this was the first time I'd gotten it right, but apparently I was wrong. So you see, I'm very experienced in mistakes. I don't know anything else.”

“Will you stop talking like this? You've managed to survive all the misfortunes that have befallen you. You've made a success of your life.”

“So you're such a colossal misfortune that I can't make a success of being married to you? If that's an example of your reasoning powers, you clearly aren't well yet. Now I
am
going to bed. I'll see you in the morning.”

But as Sibyl disappeared up the stairs, so did Logan's objections to marriage. What had he been thinking? Marrying Sibyl had been all he'd thought about for weeks. He'd spent a month in agony believing she couldn't possibly love him. Once he learned that she did, he was content for the two of them to keep their love a secret for the time he had left. But now he was going to live. Why should he now be afraid to do the one thing he'd been wanting to do for weeks?

Was he afraid of too much happiness?

That didn't even make sense. People spent their whole lives chasing happiness, and he was running away from it when it was virtually handed to him? Maybe the sickness had gone to his brain. Maybe so much had happened so quickly, his mind hadn't had time to process it all. Finding his brothers, knowing Sibyl loved him, learning he wasn't going to die was all good news. He should have been bursting with energy to take advantage of all his good fortune.

He
was
crazy. There couldn't be any other explanation, and if he didn't go up those stairs right now and beg Sibyl to marry him as soon as possible, he was too big a fool to deserve his good fortune. When he reached her room, the door was closed. He went in without knocking.

Sibyl was sitting in a slipcovered chair next to the window. Her head was bowed, and her shoulders shook.

She was crying.

Logan felt like a dirty dog. The most wonderful woman in the world, and he'd been the idiot who reduced her to tears.

She spoke without looking up. “If you have something else to say, save it for tomorrow.”

“It's not much, but I've got to say it now. I've been a fool. I don't know what I was thinking—I guess the problem is I
wasn't
thinking—but I love you very much, and I do want to marry you. I've always wanted to marry you. If you're willing to marry a man who looks like I do, I'm willing to take the chance that I'll have at least one son like Peter.”

Sibyl turned toward him and raised her head, a weak smile breaking through her sadness. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. “How about a daughter like Kitty?”

“I love her already. Why wouldn't I want more?”

“She's not Norman's daughter. I'm glad of that, but you may not be.”

“I don't really know anything about Raymond Sinclair, but from what I know of Norman, I'm glad she's not his daughter. But it doesn't matter either way because she has your personality.”

“I was a fallen woman when I married a man I didn't love. I'd be lying if I said I mourned his passing.”

Logan paused. “Now that I've come to my senses, are you trying to give me reasons
not
to marry you?”

“I'm trying to make sure you know the kind of woman who'd be your wife. I've never been to a city like Chicago. I know nothing about high society or music and art and theater. I can sing and dance a little, but I have no accomplishments. I don't have fancy dresses, and I don't want any if it means I have to wear a corset. I'll probably die without traveling more than twenty miles from Cactus Corner. The most important things in my life are my family and the people I love. As long as I have them, I don't need anything else.”

“That's quite a speech. Are you expecting a similar one from me?”

“Now that I've practically thrown myself at your feet, I would like to know if you can spend the rest of your life married to a woman like me.”

“I'd never met anyone I really wanted to marry, anyone I really loved, until I met you. I never wondered what it would be like if we moved to Chicago. I don't care about the terrible things that happened to you in the past. I only care about the woman you are today. And that woman comes with a daughter, a family, a whole town—and a future right here in the Arizona Territory. That's the woman I fell in love with, and that's the woman I want to marry. I don't want you to be anything but what you are.”

“Are you sure? Just minutes ago—”

He crossed the room toward her. “I was out of my mind. So much has happened so quickly I couldn't think straight.”

Sibyl let Logan pull her into his arms. “I shouldn't have said all those things, but I was afraid I'd lost you. I've been scared you were going to die for so long I was desperately trying to hold on to you for the future.”

“And I've believed for so long that I was going to die I couldn't think straight. But my head is clear now. Forget everything I said except that I love you and want to marry you. Nothing else is important.”

“Are you sure?” she asked again.

“Yes. What can I do to make you believe me?”

“You can make love to me.”

Logan felt like he'd just run into a wall. Other than in his dreams, he'd never let himself think about making love to Sibyl. He'd told himself that Sibyl being in love with him was enough, more, in fact, than a dying man could expect. Never having been in love before, he'd always connected physical love with physical attractiveness. Even though the swelling in his face was going down, he couldn't imagine a woman wanting to make love to a man who looked like he did.

But falling in love had changed that. For the first time, he realized that a person could see beyond the surface, could even ignore physical imperfections, because the inner beauty shone so brightly nothing else mattered. He still found it difficult to understand how Sibyl could feel that way about him, but he no longer thought it was impossible.

“You haven't said anything.”

“That's because the thought of making love to you has left me speechless.”

“Then you don't have to talk.”

Odd that after having made love to many women in his thirty-five years, he didn't know how to begin with Sibyl. In all the times before, there had been a ritual to follow. Both parties knew the rules because they'd played the game before.

But this wasn't a game. It was nothing like anything he'd experienced before. How could he have known that never having been in love could put him at such a disadvantage when the real thing came along?

Yet the confusion of his mind didn't extend to his body or his heart. Together they moved him across the room. Sibyl rose to meet him, and he took her in his arms. He didn't need rules or a ritual. Everything happened naturally. She slipped into his embrace like she'd been made to be there. His arms closed around her with strength combined with tenderness. He hadn't known such a combination existed. When she slipped her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his chest, he feared he might expire from happiness. How could anything so ordinary feel so life-changing? How could he have held off from doing this for so long?

“All my life I've dreamed of being held like this,” she said. “Raymond wasn't allowed to do this, and Norman wouldn't.”

Another reason Norman Spencer was one of the biggest fools ever born. His mother should have been ashamed of herself.

“I'd have held you in my arms long ago if I'd thought it was possible.”

Sibyl turned so she could look up at him. “For an aggressive businessman, you're surprisingly hesitant when it comes to love.”

That had been when he thought he was dying. It had taken a few moments to change his mental gears, but that was done now. He knew what he wanted, and he intended to have it. “I have years of experience in business, but none at being in love.”

“Then it's time we changed that.” She pulled his head down so she could kiss him. “Is that better?”

Rather than state the obvious, Logan pulled Sibyl into a tight embrace and kissed her with a passion than had been building inside him for the past month. It wasn't a tender kiss or a polite one. It was a little rough, very greedy, and the most thrilling thing he'd ever done. He couldn't imagine how he'd lived so long without suspecting how kissing a woman he loved deeply would affect him. It was like he'd been going through life with blinders on, his emotions cut off or neatly boxed up, his mind operating on neutral, his body going through the motions of a learned ritual.

This kiss was nothing like that. For the first time, he realized that making love to a woman could be an emotional as well as a physical experience. This wasn't solely about his physical gratification. In fact, he couldn't separate the physical from the emotional and the spiritual. This was something without precedent, unique in his experience, the first time for something about which he thought he knew all there was to know.