Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved (19 page)

“Yeah...and what you just said brings me to something else. Can I ask you a personal question, Dane?”

“You can ask, but I may refuse to answer,” he said candidly.

“Fair enough. I’ll try my hand at it anyway. I don’t mean to intrude, but... how...how long have you been celibate? Have you
ever
been with a woman? At
all
?”

He felt himself becoming warm. He should’ve suspected this type of question would be asked. Rhapsody was outspoken and at times childlike in regards to her curiosity. Very much an adult and in tune with herself, but she was also a bit untamed, running free like a pack of wild horses. She said things that would make someone blush or hide away like a turtle in their shell, and she did it with the sort of honesty that people lost along the way after being educated about social mores or taught, ‘It is impolite to be so brash. Start lying, that is better.’ She always delivered the question or news with a pleasant smile, but her handling of it was raw and unvarnished, all the same.

The funny thing about Rhapsody was that she could turn it off, but with him, she simply chose not to. This was her. Honest. Blunt. He noticed that about her soon after their first exchanged words. He had no desire to discuss sexual matters with the woman, not because he found it embarrassing, but because these conversations meant he’d have to think about them...with
her
...hearing her voice...he alone in his bedroom...talking about sexuality and physical intimacy, or lack thereof. He ran his fingers through his hair and cast his gaze out the window toward the darkened sky, the moon shining brightly, smiling down on him as if she, too, were in on the joke.

“Sorry...” she finally offered, after the silence continued to weave like a spider web in the air, leaving him just as unnerved.

He took a deep breath and sighed. “Before we go there, with this type of questioning and answering session, may I ask why you are curious about it?”

“Well, it is just strange to me, I guess. Like I said earlier, in some ways, religion seems to be created to control people. In some ways, I think religion is beautiful, you know? But these self-imposed rules, to prove how holy you are, are just silly. Now, that’s just my opinion but I am open to hearing what you have to say about it. Matter of fact, I want to hear your views on it, Dane.”

“How else does one show they are dedicated, Rhapsody? It takes great strength, self-control and resolve. We all can’t live our lives doing what we want, when we want, because it feels good or right. Life is bigger than that.”

He was met with silence and now regretted the words, because she may have felt that his defensive stance was a dig at her, her free-loving nature...and in a way, it was, though not intentionally. His sense of self-protection came from recent events that were no fault of her own. And now, his physical attraction to her was manifesting, growing rapidly, a passion reignited after years of distance...and he began to worry. But his need to speak to her was stronger than his desire to stop cold, dead in his tracks. He continued to pray about it, and felt he was never given a sign to cease. Never the less, It was becoming an internal battle. The woman had been his saving grace, keeping him from going overboard with grief. He hadn’t touched any more alcohol, stayed away from the dark thoughts, and kept busy and positive. All he had to do was think of
her
...and it made it all better...

He started when she cleared her throat.
“Rhapsody...”

“Yes?”

“To answer your question,
yes,
I’ve been sexually intimate with a woman before. I had a girlfriend in high school, we were exclusive. She was my first and I dated quite a bit in college, and more times than not, was intimate with those women as well. I am not proud of it, but it happened...and I’ve been celibate for almost eight years now.”

He could almost hear the wheels in her head spinning.

“And that does include self-pleasure...” he added.

He wanted to cover all bases, so that she understood. She wanted to learn, she wanted to be taught, and regardless of her questions causing him concern, they were an opportunity for him to help her, to be a shepherd and to establish more trust.

“I wasn’t aware that you couldn’t masturbate, either. I guess you think this conversation is inappropriate, right?” she asked, taking a deep sigh, and then lightly laughed.

“It has the potential to be,” he answered, feeling a bit more relaxed at this adult dialogue. “But at this point, I’m just figuring you want answers, and there is nothing more to it. No hidden motivations or objectives.”

“I don’t have any hidden agenda, but I do find you attractive. I told you that...but it’s no biggie.”

You noticed me in high school, too, didn’t you?

“I just see no reason to keep secrets. I want to be open, show you that you can trust me. I like you, Dane...” He heard her sigh again...and he felt his body warm once more.

“Well, maybe we need to stop discussing it then, okay? But...I hope I answered your questions.” He cleared his throat and tried to find a focal point in his dimly lit bedroom. He landed upon a neatly folded towel. That didn’t help. It reminded him of her intricately spun hair wrapped tightly in the colors of the rainbow.

“You haven’t answered everything I want to know...but I understand. Let’s talk about something else...” The conversation then became stiff and unyielding, the fun zapped out of it.

He had no idea what else to say—well, he
did
, but he knew better than to utter the words.

I find you attractive too, Rhapsody. I have feelings for you, and they are growing...

“You know what? I’d like to invite you over for dinner, Fr. Dane.” Her laughter, light and airy, moved him, but the words had come out of the blue and hit him in the gut. Here, he thought the conversation would taper and wane; they’d run into each other at the park again and continue to talk about this and the other, with a gradual build-up to more fruitful conversations. Instead, things had escalated. He was amazed at his surprise and he should have expected it from a woman who didn’t follow predictable conversational cues. He shook his head at his own foolishness.

At your house?!

“Uh...”

“What? You can’t do dinner? Priests don’t eat after
five P.M.?” She giggled.

“No, well, yes, but I don’t think it would be...”

“Appropriate to come to my house? Why is that? We’re only friends.”

A brief silence.

“I hate to keep questioning you, asking so many questions, but why are you inviting me, Rhapsody?” He sighed and ran his hand over his face, growing tired, concerned and wary.

“What? To eat... To show off my skills!” She laughed. “Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, just scratch it. Forget I said it. I meant nothing by it...it was just an invitation. Hey, in other news, I wondered if—”

“I’d love to come.”

He could envision her dancing in her seat, doing a fist pump...

“Okay, great, but before you come, what are you concerned about? Let’s get it worked out,” she said, her tone serious.

“It’s just...I mean, look at this. We just finished discussing my past sex life, you tell me you’re attracted to me, and then invite me to dinner. Rhapsody,” he chuckled lightly and looked back toward the window, his thoughts like mud, “it just, I dunno...I have to walk a fine line, here...”

“Well, regardless of my own beliefs, Dane, I still respect yours. It wouldn’t matter if I find you appealing or not, especially if it isn’t mutual. Everyone knows priests can’t date.” She gave a light-hearted laugh. “You’d see it as harmless, because it
is.
”

But I’m still a man, as I keep telling you.

“Well look, I don’t want you to feel pressured,” she offered. “Let’s put it on ice, mull it over and talk about it later...” And just like that, she changed the topic, allowing him to sigh with relief, but it would be short-lived.

Later that evening, he envisioned sitting at her dining room table with her, over candlelight, their hands touching and caressing...and he loved every daydreamy, forbidden moment of it...

~***~

Several days later...

“Okay, just one more!”

Rhapsody sighed and made a silly face, using her hands to squish all of her features together. Her eyes slumped sleepily and her lips resembled a duck’s. Dane stepped back, shaking his head as he lowered the camera to his waist.

“Now come on, this was your idea!” he chastised.

“I know, I know. They need a photo of me for the concert brochure. I hate pictures though.” She turned away from him, as if she were trying to get her thoughts together.

But you’re beautiful...

Her backdrop was a setting fit for a painting. The slightly rippled lake housed multi-colored ducks vying for smidgens of bread being tossed their way by a man and a girl, probably his daughter. A few white long necked swans and other marine life floated and swam about as a slight wind caught the hem of her forest green sundress, making it sway to and fro, catching ever so gently around her bare ankle. The sun was setting and Dane glanced down at his watch, knowing he needed to return to the rectory soon. They were having a special program and he was on duty for the confessional later that evening as well.

“Are you ready?” His voice cut through the silence. She eyed him discerningly from over her shoulder, her lips poked out before turning into a wide grin, then, she casually looked down at her cuticles, running her finger across them contemplatively.

“Yeah,” she finally uttered, jetting her leg out ever so slightly. Placing her hand leisurely on her hip, she lowered her chin and looked at him out the corner of her eye.

“Almost perfect...give me a big smile. Lift your jaw a bit more.” He snapped the camera; the flash brightened the area in an instant, then disappeared. “Oh come on, you can give me a bigger smile than this. Let’s try again...” And then it hit him.
“Okay, I’ve got a joke for you. A new nun goes to her first confession.”

“Oh no, a nun joke!” Rhapsody smiled.

“I promise it won’t end the way you think. So, she goes to her first confession and tells the priest she has an embarrassing confession. He assures her that he has heard everything under the sun, and for her to proceed. So she says, ‘Father, I don’t wear panties under my habit.’ So the priest says, ‘That’s not so bad. Say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers and then do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.’”

Rhapsody’s  sudden loud laughter caused birds to suddenly fly from the fresh cut grass into the sky. Dane got the shot he desired as she came undone.

“I hope you didn’t catch me blinking. That flash was super bright.”

Dane flipped through the images. “Ahhh, many of these are quite nice. I took so many, surely you can find one that suits your tastes.” he handed her the camera back, taking notice that she didn’t preview them.

“You really should look at them before I go.” He zipped his jacket up and glanced back down at his watch. “You know, just in case you don’t like any of them at all, I could take a couple more, to be on the safe side.”

“No, no... I’m sure they’re fine.”

She carefully placed the camera in her bag and rummaged through it for a while until she dug out a tiny white pill and popped it in her mouth. She swallowed, then dug into her purse again, riffling for a while until she brandished a worn tissue and gently glided it along her nostrils, sniffed and returned it to her bag.

“Allergies,” she mumbled as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other while snapping her hobo bag closed.

“So,” he glanced out at the water behind her and looked back into her eyes, “I’ve had some time to think. I’d like to set up that dinner... Maybe we could play a board game, too?”

That sounded stupid...

“Oh, great.” She seemed surprised, taken aback, but pleasantly so. “I’d love that. So, you just let me know when, then, okay?” She crossed her arms over her chest, smiling.

“Well, I know now, actually. I looked at my schedule and next Thursday would work. I’m not sure how your work is scheduled for that day, but—”

“Yeah, I think that will be fine.” She smiled as she dug into her bag again and retrieved her cellphone. He waited as she scrolled quickly down what he presumed was her calendar.

“I have to do a private piano lesson at four, and I teach class right after that, but that will only be an hour. So...let me give you my address.”

Moments later, he had the information jotted down and they said their usual goodbyes. After that, he sat in his car and, once again, watched her drive away until he could see her no more...

~***~

Their steps sounded in unison, soft against the shiny floor of the bustling shopping area. Fr. Kirkpatrick rarely came out into these sorts of public places anymore, but after asking about Dane’s plans for the day, he’d invited himself to stroll around with Fr. Caruso in the mall. They talked, shared familiar pleasantries, caught up on current events. Regardless, Dane was on full alert. He knew exactly what this was leading to. As soon as he saw the elder approach him in the rectory, he hung his head, grinned and waited. Once Dane had been seen sitting in the garden with Rhapsody weeks earlier, he knew that this moment would come. The boiling, predictable situation quietly crept into his day like mice scurrying across a cloud.