Read French Children Don't Throw Food Online
Authors: Pamela Druckerman
French Children Don't Throw Food (37 page)
13: It’s Me Who Decides
1
In an interview with
Enfant Magazine
, ‘Comment réussir à se faire obéir?’, October 2009.
2
‘Les Français et la fessée’ by TNS Sofres/Logica for
Dimanche Ouest France
, 11 November 2009.
3
55 per cent also said that they oppose spanking.
4
Marcel Rufo, a well-known child-psychiatrist based in Marseille, says, ‘There are two generations of parents … Those of yesterday who were spanked and hit and who say, “We weren’t traumatized by it.” And then there are the parents of today, who I think are much better, because they’re more about understanding the child than about prohibiting things. The role of the parent is to give his view to the child, to explain things to him. The child will accept them.’ L
e Figaro Magazine
, 20 November 2009.
14: Let Him Live His Life
1
When French and American mothers were asked to rank the importance of ‘Not let[ting] the baby become too dependent on his or her mother’, American mothers ranked the statement 0.93 out of a possible 5. French mothers ranked it 3.36. The study, ‘French and American mothers’ childrearing beliefs: stimulating, responding, and long-term goals’ by Marie-Anne Suizzo, was published in the
Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology
in 2004.
2
Raymonde Carroll writes in
Cultural Misunderstandings
that American parents ‘avoid as much as possible criticizing their children, making fun of their tastes, or telling them constantly “how to do things”’.
3
Getting 16:20 is a ‘rare and outstanding achievement’, according to a report prepared by the University of Cambridge exam board, for British universities. This was reported in the
Economist
, 30 September 2010, ‘A Chorus of Disapproval’.
4
This creates a problem for social scientists when they try to compare life in America and France. ‘Americans tend to be more emphatic when reporting their well-being,’ say the authors of that study of women in Ohio and Rennes. Americans were more likely to choose extremes like ‘very satisfied’ and ‘not at all satisfied’, whereas French women avoided these. The researchers adjusted their findings to account for this.
5
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman,
NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children
, New York: Twelve, 2009.
Epilogue: The Future in French
1
‘For Françoise Dolto, a desire is not a need, it shouldn’t necessarily be satisfied, but we should listen to it and speak about it, which makes all the difference,’ says Muriel Djéribi-Valentin, interviewed by Jacqueline Sellem in ‘
Françoise Dolto: quand l’enfant est un sujet à part entière
’, translated by Kieran O’Meara for
l’Humanité in English
.
Acknowledgements
I am extremely grateful to Marianne Velmans at Transworld; to my agents, Suzanne Gluck and Eugenie Furniss; and to Ann Godoff and Virginia Smith at The Penguin Press.
My profound thanks go to Sapna Gupta for her astute reading of the manuscript. Adam Kuper gave me advice and encouragement when I needed it most. Pauline Harris provided expert help with research. Ken Druckerman didn’t just comment on the early chapters; he also accepted packages on my behalf.
Merci
to my posse of mother-readers: Christine Tacconet, Brooke Pallot, Dietlind Lerner, Amelia Relles, Sharon Galant, and the heroic Hannah Kuper, who read the chapters on pregnancy while having contractions herself.
For their general support, often in the form of food or shelter, thanks to Scott Wenger, Joanne Feld, Adam Ellick, Jeffrey Sumber, Kari Snick, Patrick Weil, Adelyn Escobar, Shana Druckerman, Marsha Druckerman, Steve Fleischer, and Nancy and Ronald Gelles. Thanks to my colleagues on the rue Bleue for their camaraderie, parenting tips, and lessons on how to enjoy lunch.
I am indebted to the many French families who let me hang around with them, and to the people whose introductions made all that hanging around possible: Valérie Picard, Cécile Agon, Hélène Toussaint, William Oiry, Véronique Bouruet-Aubertot, Gail Negbaur, Lucie Porcher, Émilie Walmsley, Andrea Ipaktchi, Jonathan Ross, Robynne Pendariès, Benjamin Benita and Laurence Kalmanson. Thanks to Crèche Cour Debille and Crèche Enfance et Découverte, especially Marie-Christine Barison, Anne-Marie Legendre, Sylvie Metay, Didier Trillot, Alexandra Van-Kersschaver and Fatima Abdullarif. Special gratitude goes to the family of Fanny Gerbet.
It’s much easier to write a parenting book when you’re blessed with extraordinary parents – Bonnie Green and Henry Druckerman. It’s also a gift to be married to someone who’s better at what I do than I am. I couldn’t have written this book without the encouragement and tolerance of my husband, Simon Kuper. He critiqued every draft and, in so doing, made me a better writer.
Finally, thanks to Leo, Joel and Leila (rhymes with sky-la). This is what Mummy was doing in her office. I hope that one day you’ll think it was worth it.
Index
The page references in this index correspond to the printed edition from which this ebook was created. To find a specific word or phrase from the index, please use the search feature of your ebook reader.
aggression, physical 288
America see France and America (differences)
American parents
see
Anglophone parents
Anglophone parents 4–5
authority 273, 274–6
birth 36–7
breast-feeding 146–7
concerted cultivation 170–3
date nights 222, 230
feeding babies 70
guilt 177
housework 233
limits 85, 86, 88
narrated play 168–9, 170
nights 45–6, 47, 54, 61
patience 84
pregnancy 22–4
support group (Paris) 35
attention 3
au revoir
188
authoritarian model of parenting 108–9
authority 268–82
Anglophone parents 273, 274–6
big eyes 284–5
cadre
86, 106–7, 262, 279–82, 287, 290–1
calm attitude 268, 284
discipline 106
éducation
7, 9, 77, 92, 286
French parents 277–82, 286–8
limits 85, 86, 88
Marcelli 289–91, 292
saying no 270–1, 295
autonomy 299–307, 314–15
awakening 101, 104–5, 291
babies 43–4, 68, 70–2, 94
see also
sleep
baking 79–80
bébés dans l’eau
98
bedtime 288–9
bêtises
(small acts of naughtiness) 197, 287
big eyes (
les gros yeux
) 284–5
bilingual, being 183, 194–7
birth 36–8
Bitoun, Pierre 149, 152
Bloom, Paul 119
blossoming
see
awakening
bonjour
188–9, 190, 192–3
books, children’s 197–200
breast-feeding 63, 146–52
British parents
see
Anglophone parents
Bronson, Po 312
Bruckner, Pascal 236
caca boudin
(caca sausage) 182–3, 203–4
cadre
(framework) 86, 106–7, 262, 279–82, 287, 290–1
calm attitude
authority 268, 284
Cohen 56
French mothers 145, 176
meals 248, 281
parents 91
parisienne
17
pregnancy 29, 30, 31, 40
sage
76, 109, 315
waiting 75
caprices
(whims) 91
carnet de santé
43–4
Carroll, Raymonde 309
child development 100–5
child-king syndrome 6–7
children’s books 197–200
chocolate 261
Cohen, Michel 54–8, 66, 169
Commission Menus 248–52
concerted cultivation 170–3
controlled crying 48, 64–5, 68
couples, importance of 227–31
crèches 121–6
applying to 128–30
daily routine 131–7
as microcosm of French parenting 133
workers 138–9
see also
Commission Menus
crying it out
see
controlled crying
date nights 222, 230
Dati, Rachida 179
daycare
see
crèches
Denisot, Michel 163, 164
discipline 106
see also
authority
Dolto, Françoise 101, 109–16, 175, 287, 301
Dusoulier, Clotilde 285
eating
babies 70–2, 94
chocolate 261–2
Commission Menus 248–52
crèches 136–7
eating out 2, 241
foods, introducing 245–8, 253–5
French/American differences 3, 242–4
goûter
80–1
losing baby weight 155–7
meals 81–2, 248, 255–7, 263–5, 281
pregnancy, during 30–1, 34
sweets 259–61
école maternelle
(nursery school) 183–7
éducation
7, 9, 77, 92, 286
English language 202
epidurals 37
extracurricular activities 174
Ferrari, Laurence 236
Fischler, Claude 256
food cravings, pregnancy 34
foreign, being 200–3
framework (
cadre
) 86, 106–7, 262, 279–82, 287, 290–1
France and America (differences)
child development 100
children 75, 85
children’s health 149
‘Croissant’ story 38–40
eating 3, 242–4
women 231
French language 186
French mothers
appearance/behaviour 145, 176
guilt 178–9
housework issues 233–6
independent identities 158–61
work 164–5, 166–7
French parents
attitudes of 6, 8
basic principles 7
child development 101
concern for children 4
fathers 235
self-control for children 76
see also
authority; French mothers
friends 18, 143–4, 318
frustration, coping with 66, 77, 89–94
fun 76
gâteau au yaourt
(yogurt cake) 80, 96–7
Génération Dolto 111
glossary 325–8
Goutard, Audrey 192, 306
goûter
(afternoon snack) 80–1
Le Grand Journal
162–4
gratification, delaying 72–4
greeting 188–93
les gros yeux
(big eyes) 284–5
Guiliano, Mireille 35, 156
guilt 177–9
happiness 90, 94
healthcare systems 36
helicopter parenting 4
hitting 288
holiday camps 299
hot chocolate 266–7
housework 233
hyper-parenting 4
infant mortality 32
kindergarchy 4
la Fressange, Inès de 180–1
Lareau, Annette 170
Leersynder, Hélène de 53, 61, 66–7, 228
let-him-be principle 175
limits 85, 86, 88
see also
authority
‘magic’ words 188
Marbeau, Jean-Baptiste-Firmin 122
Marcelli, Daniel 289–91, 292
marital satisfaction 221–2
‘marshmallow test’ 73–4
Masson, Estelle 256
maternelle
see
école maternelle
meals 81–2, 248, 255–7, 263–5, 281
see also
eating
Merle, Sandra 248, 249, 250, 251
Merryman, Ashley 312
Message 35–6, 146
Mischel, Walter 72–4, 84
Mogel, Wendy 300
Mother and Infant Protection service (PMI) 125, 150–1
mothers
see
Anglophone parents; French mothers; French parents
narrated play 168–9, 170
natural childbirth 37
naughtiness, small acts of (
bêtises
) 197, 287
nights
see
sleep
n’importe quoi
(whatever) 85, 86, 87
no, saying 270–1, 295
nurseries, America 140
nurseries, France
see
crèches
nursery schools (
école maternelle
) 183–7
Ollivier, Debra 234
overweight children 244
Pailhas, Géraldine 160
parents
see
Anglophone parents; French parents
parisienne
17
patience 76–7, 84, 134–5
pausing 56–9, 61, 68
perineal re-education 224–6
Pernoud, Laurence 247
physical aggression 288
Piaget, Jean 100
playing
alone 83
narrated 168–9, 170
pleasure 29, 105
Pleux, Didier 90
PMI (Protection Maternelle et Infantile) 125, 150–1
praise 309–14
pregnancy 25, 28–35
privacy 66–7
Protection Maternelle et Infantile (PMI) 125, 150–1
public services 8
pushy-parent syndrome 4
rational beings, children 111–19
rhythm 52, 56, 61, 71, 94
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques 101, 106, 295
sage
(wise and calm) 76, 109, 315
saying no 270–1, 295
self-control 76, 109
self-reliance 66
self-soothing 56
sensitivity 84, 140–1
sex, during pregnancy 25, 30
sleep
Anglophone parents 45–6, 47, 54, 61
bedtime 288–9
disturbed 45–8
French children 3, 49–52
pausing 56–9, 61, 68
rhythm 52, 56, 61
sleep cycles 57–8, 60
sleep studies 62–4
sleep deprivation 46
sleep training 48
social codes 187–93
spanking 294–5
Spock, Benjamin 114
Steingarten, Jeffrey 252–3
strictness 286–7
sweets 259–61
swimming 98
tantrums 290
telling on someone 306
Thompson, Caroline 93
Turkle, Sherry 114
vegetables 245–6
waiting 77–8
calm attitude 75
eating 72
frustration 66, 77, 89–94
patience 76–7, 84, 134–5
pausing 56–9, 61, 68
practising 78–83
Warner, Judith 4
weight
after pregnancy 152–7
during pregnancy 32–4
overweight children 244
whatever (
n’importe quoi
) 85, 86, 87
whims (
caprices
) 91
words, ‘magic’ 188
work 164–5, 166–7
work–life balance 179
yogurt cake (
gâteau au yaourt
) 96–7