Fuck Valentine's Day (3 page)

I
plugged the address into my phone and drove my old, beat-up Geo Metro
through town like a crazy person. When I arrived at my destination,
I found out that it was actually a gym, and not just any regular, old
gym. It was a
boxing
gym. It was big and old and crumbly and
tough
looking. I sat there for the longest time glancing
between the picture and the gym, watching men come out in droves,
women, too. They were all tough, ripped, and sexy, plus they were
soaked in sweat. How was I supposed to know who my stalker was?

I
swallowed my anxiety and stuffed the picture into my purse, keeping
only the card clutched in my hand. I got a lot of stares (probably
because I was wearing a pink sweater instead of a black sports bra)
as I made my way inside and came face to chest with a massive,
hulking man with a permanent scowl and – get this – a
scar down the right side of his face. How cliché is that?

“
Can
I help you?” he asked as I tried to peer around him at the
various punching bags, rings, and exercise equipment. I don't know
what I was looking for. I mean, it's not as if my Mystery Man's
Prince Albert was going to be displayed for all the world to see.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to see or do there, but I had to
ask. I mean, you would, too, right?

“
Yeah,
um, I'm looking for someone.” I held out the Valentine's Day
card and the big man looked down at it with a grunt. When he crossed
his arms over his chest, I seriously thought his muscles were going
to explode through the skin on his arms. They were as big around as
my thighs!

“
Name?”

“
Well,
I don't exactly know that … ” I said as I dropped my
hand to my side and tried not to crinkle my card. It was my only
clue. Why I cared, and why I was seeking this guy out and
not
filing criminal stalking/indecent exposure charges against him
was kind of beyond me. Something about it was intriguing in a kind
of weird, fucked up way. Guess I was just the world's kinkiest
virgin.

“
What's
he look like? He the guy from the card?” I snorted and the
big man shifted, giving me a whiff of jockstrap and old socks.
Eww.
I tucked some errant strands of hair behind my ear and tried to
remain calm. So what if a good dozen men and a handful of women were
checking out my ass from the free weight section of the gym?
I'm
wearing my good jeans, so the view should check out okay.

“
No,
um, he's not this guy.” I lifted up the card and examined
Cupid.
Damn.
“I mean, I don't think so. I guess, I
wish he was this guy, you know?” I laughed, and it echoed
strangely off the cement floors and brick walls. Nobody else joined
in. I took a deep breath and focused on my task. “See, I
don't
exactly
know what this man looks like. I … ”
Scar Face's nostrils flared, and I took an involuntary step back.
What was I supposed to say? That my guy had his junk pierced and abs
like rocks?
They've been in the locker room, so maybe if you …
Stopped that train of thought before I started going on about
this seven inch cock in my picture and how I really, really wanted to
meet it. “Okay, so I think I'll just go and come back later.”
The man snorted through his nose like a bull, and I turned on my
heel and booked it out of there.

When
I got to my car, there was a note taped to the driver's side window.

Glad
you came to find me. Want another clue? Call Me.
This was
followed, of course, by a phone number. There was a conversation
that played out in my head that went something like this:

Rational
Andi:
Are you fucking serious? Call the cops and turn this bitch
in BEFORE he cuts off your head and hangs it in his living room as a
light fixture.

Horny
Andi:
This is just a silly prank, Rational Andi. Don't be such a
cock blocker! Let's have some fun for once. If it wasn't for you,
I'd have gotten laid by Jake Tandor senior year.

Rational
Andi:
Jake was a douche! You're so lucky I protected your cherry
berry from that prick.

Horny
Andi:
I don't have a cherry. I masturbate with an eight inch
rubber cock.

Rational
Andi:
I meant your metaphysical cherry, Gawd.

Horny
Andi:
I'm shutting you out. I think we have an unhealthy
relationship.

Rational
Andi:
Go fuck yourself.

And
then I dialed the number. The phone rang for awhile and then went to
voice mail. Disappointed and in no way willing to leave a message, I
hung up, vowing to try again later. Seconds after, a text arrived.

Check
under your favorite chair in calculus tomorrow. Signed, Your Secret
Admirer

I
stared at it for a long while, thoroughly convinced that
secret
admirer
was way less creepy than
stalker.

Rational
Andi:
Lampshade.

I
ignored her and went about my day with the dick pic in my back
pocket.

I
woke to a very loud, very raucous knock at my door. I rolled over
and groaned, assuming that Gen and her boy toy were busy fucking
against it. Wouldn't have been the first time.

“
Andi,
there's some
super
hot guy here to see you.” And then
she gave me a very gracious five seconds to react to the news, roll
over and squint at the door as it opened and in walked Quinn. He was
wearing a black tank that showed off his beefy shoulders and various
skull tattoos. He had plugs in his lower earlobes today and a beanie
on his head, covering up his Mohawk do. Little bits of red hair
stuck out the front like bangs.

“
Sorry,”
he said as he made a sort of grimacing face at my current state, all
sleepy eyed and disoriented. “But your friend said you were in
desperate need of something and that I should come up here?” I
tried to glare at Genevieve, but she was already gone, probably
scouting out her next boy. Or girl. Gen swung both ways.

“
Um,”
I struggled to sit up and felt a strange pull in my shoulder. Pain
rocketed through my body making me scream out in pain. It felt like
Scar Face was behind me, twisting my arm into a very awkward, very
uncomfortable position.

“
Shit!”
Quinn said as he leapt to my rescue and … unhooked … my
… handcuffs. He held the furry purple plastic cuffs in one
hand and stared at me with his baby blues. I was sitting with my
teeth clenched, arm lying across my knees as I tried to breathe
through my nose.
I fell asleep with them on again. Masturbating
to … the dick pic. Wow, this is awkward.

“
There's
a rational explanation to all of this,” I
explained
as Quinn stared at me and a rictus grin spread across his smooth
face. He might've been the 'bad boy' archetype, but he didn't have
quite as nice a face as Preston, not as manly. Quinn had a rounder
jaw and smoother cheeks whereas Preston had a nice, strong jaw and
bones sculpted by the Gods.
And
you're comparing them why? Why are you even thinking about Preston
Ellis?

“
You
like to get your kink on, right?” Quinn said and then he kissed
me. Just leaned over the bed and kissed me. He started off with a
bang, too. There was none of that sweet, romance-y stuff where we
like,
tasted each
other's souls
or
anything. He just shoved his hot, slick tongue in my mouth and
started Frenching the shit out of me.

Rational
Andi:
Kick this
bitch's ass! Who the hell does he think he is?

Horny
Andi:
I am feeding you
cyanide first chance I get. Shut your damn mouth. This guy is
HOT.

I
reached up and wrapped my arms around Quinn's neck, pulling him down
between my knees where I could feel his hot, hard body very clearly
against mine. He had
an
erection that was poking me through the thin blanket that separated
us. Did I mention I wasn't wearing any panties? Kind of took 'em
off to masturbate. I had brief thoughts of remorse that Quinn
wasn't
my Mystery Man and
vice versa, but decided to roll with it for a second. I mean, Quinn
Prentis was kissing
me.
Seriously, how cool
was that? Granted, I had turned him down before, but that was only
because Rational Andi was in control. Now that that bitch was
poisoned, I could finally get a nibble of this boy with the hard ass
and the sexy growl that he was not afraid to use as he reached down
and unbuttoned his pants.

Rational
Andi:
I'm not dead,
yet, bitch. Get a grip on yourself, seriously.

I
struggled to say something to Quinn, anything at all. No words would
come out, just moans as he freed his cock from his pants and
proceeded to rub it against my clit through the blanket.
Is
this dry humping?
I
wondered and then,
No,
this is at least wet humping. Oh my god … Wet humping …
Yes!

“
You
are so hot, beautiful,” Quinn said as he pressed his mouth to
mine and knocked our teeth together. It was
kind
of hot. “Hottest calc babe I know.”

“
I'm
not exactly a babe,” I said and then, “Oh!” as
Quinn started nibbling my ear. I reached my hands under his shirt
and felt along his muscles. They were rock solid and slick with just
a bit of sweat (probably because Gen left the heater on
all
the damn time). I
explored his shoulders and upper back, dragged my nails along his
flesh, and opened my legs. Quinn didn't move the blanket though,
just kept his rhythm going until we were both moaning like alley
cats.

Bang!
Zip! BAM!

“
Holy
shit!” I screamed as I came, wrapping my legs around Quinn's
ripped midsection, squeezing his body in a vice grip between my
thighs. He paused for a moment while I shuddered in his arms,
throwing my head back into my pillows and making a complete ass out
of myself. When I was finished, I had tears in my eyes, not from an
emotional response or anything but just because it felt so damn good.

“
Hey
beautiful,” Quinn whispered after a few seconds.

“
It's
Andi.”

“
Do
you think you could, um, help me out a little?” Quinn sat back
and showed me his, uh, problem. It was about six inches long and
totally uncircumcised.

I
sort of panicked and shoved him off onto the floor. Not because of
the whole not circumcised thing, but because I had just orgasmed in
the arms of a guy who hadn't even known my name until like, two days
ago.

“
Where
are you going?” he asked as I stumbled out of bed with the
sheets wrapped around my waist. “You've got that condom on
your bedside table. You sure you don't want to finish?” I
grabbed a bra from the top drawer of my dresser and yanked a random
dress off its hanger without bothering to look at what it was.

“
Sorry,
Quinn. I have to get to calc.” I paused. “You should
go, too. We have a pop quiz today.”