Galaxy Patrol (7 page)

‘This is too gross,' she said.

Did she mean gross that the Queen was chucking biscuits about the place? Or gross that we were stuck on a ledge somewhere up near the ceiling?

‘What are we supposed to
do
?'

At the sound of her voice, one of the corgis looked up and barked.

‘Shut up!' yelled the Queen, and threw another biscuit.

I said, ‘You know what we're supposed to do – we're supposed to destroy an alien bug.'

‘I don't want to destroy an alien bug,' said Rosie. ‘I want to go home!'

‘Well, you can't,' I said. ‘We're on a mission.'

‘I don't want to be on a mission! I didn't ask to come on a mission. I didn't volunteer!' Her voice rose to a shriek. Even the Queen tipped her head to one side; wondering, no doubt, how bats had got into the palace. The corgis, in a frenzy of excitement, rushed about the room, barking.

‘I thought I told you to shut up!' the Queen yelled again, snatching her packet of biscuits and hurling it at them.

For a few seconds, the corgis were quiet, tearing and ripping to get at the biscuits.

‘Funny,' I said to Rosie, ‘how someone that's looked death in the face freaks out at the first sign of danger.'

Rosie's kneecaps were bouncing. ‘Death didn't have a mouthful of teeth,' she said.

‘Just put your jet pack on hover,' I said, ‘and make sure you stay out of reach.'

‘How do I p-p-put it on h-h-hover?'

I
knew
she hadn't taken it in! I reached across
and did it for her. I was beginning to realise that the success of our mission depended on me. Rosie might have looked death in the face, but you can't rely on someone who jeers at
Star Trek
and thinks it's all made up. Face them with a genuine emergency and they just go to pieces.

‘What we have to decide,' I said, ‘is who does what.'

Rosie looked at me, hopefully. ‘Did this ever happen in
Star Trek
?'

I thought back. ‘Something similar.'

‘So you know all about it!' She sounded relieved. ‘You know what to do.'

Sternly, I said, ‘We both know what to do. The captain gave us our instructions. One of us gets the bug out, the other one zaps it.'

‘All right,' said Rosie. ‘I'll be the one that zaps it. You go and get it out.'

I hesitated.

‘Well, go on, then!' She gave me a little shove. ‘Sooner you do it, sooner we can get back.'

I gazed down, into the depths of the ravine. The corgis were still mopping up biscuit crumbs. The Queen was slurping her coffee, elbows on the table, mug clenched in both hands. I guessed it was the way she liked to do
it, when she was alone. In public she would be far more refined.

As I watched, she put down the mug, settled some glasses on her nose, propped a magazine against the coffee pot and started to read. As she read, she picked biscuit crumbs out of her teeth. I thought it must be quite a relief for her, being able to do that. If she were at some banquet or something, she'd just have to keep sucking with her tongue and hoping nobody noticed. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable, watching the Queen pick her teeth. With her glasses and her crown, she looked just like the real Queen. Of course, she
was
the real Queen. Real Queen with an alien bug. I reminded myself that the bug had to be got out.
The bug had got to go
. Except…

How did we know there really was a bug? We'd been shown pictures of them, we knew what they looked like; but how did we know that one had actually got into the Queen? We didn't! All we had was the captain's word.

Suppose Rosie was right? Suppose he wasn't really the captain of a spaceship but a government agent? A
foreign
government agent. It could be a secret plot to kill the Queen!

‘Are you going to do this, or not?' demanded Rosie.

I turned to face her, wobbled, and toppled over the edge. Quickly, I activated my jet pack and buzzed back up. By now the corgis had finished eating and were sniffing the air and pricking their ears. They had got wind of us! I tore open my bubble pack and threw down the contents, scattering them as best I could across the room.

‘Well?' said Rosie.

‘Thing is – ' I hesitated.

‘
What
?'

‘How do we know she's got a bug? How do we know it's not just a plot?'

‘Plot for what?'

‘Plot to kill the Queen!'

‘Oh. You mean, like … they're using us as hit men?' Rosie gave a triumphant snort. ‘I told you they were government agents! It's obviously some kind of conspiracy.'

‘What, our own government?'

‘Yup.' She nodded. ‘Our own government.'

I didn't understand. Why would our own government want to send hit men to get the Queen?

Rosie looked at me, pityingly. ‘It's what governments do.'

‘But why?' What had the Queen ever done to them?

‘Who knows?' said Rosie. ‘Only they have the answer to that.'

I frowned. This conversation didn't seem to be getting us anywhere – and the corgis were wolfing down dog biscuits as fast as they could go.

‘I always knew there weren't such things as aliens,' said Rosie. ‘I always said it was all in your imagination. Let's just tell them we've done what they wanted and get out.'

‘But then they'll discover we haven't, and they'll just beam us back up again and – ' I couldn't finish the sentence. I had these visions of being atomised and flung out, in a million pieces, into space.

‘So what's your solution?' said Rosie.

I hung my head. I didn't have one.

‘You know what?' Her voice rose to a shriek. ‘This is a totally impossible situation and you're the one that went and got us into it, watching that stupid sci-fi stuff!'

‘I beg your pardon,' I said, ‘
I
wasn't the one
that drew attention to myself, climbing out the bedroom window.'

‘They would never have taken
me
,' said Rosie, ‘if it hadn't been for
you
. So just go and do the job and let's get out!'

The corgis were gathering again, making little growls and snaps and jumping up at the wall.

‘You're asking me to zap the Queen,' I said, horrified.

‘Just a flesh wound,' said Rosie. ‘That's all it needs. Then we can tell them we tried and it didn't work.'

‘You do it,' I said.

‘No way! It's your job.'

We stood, glaring at each other.

‘Go and see if she's got a hole in her neck,' said Rosie. ‘If there's a hole, it'll mean there's a bug. Then you can zap her and it'll be OK.'

‘But suppose there isn't?'

‘Then you zap her anyway, like in the arm, or something. And then we get out!'

I turned, fearfully, to look at the corgis. Then I looked across at the Queen. She'd finished picking her teeth. She slurped some more coffee, and yelled again at the corgis to shut up.
I guessed she must spend a lot of her time yelling at the corgis. Maybe if I aimed at her
foot
… Being zapped in the foot wouldn't kill her. It still seemed a terrible thing to do. Headlines flashed before my eyes:
BOY BREAKS INTO PALACE. INTRUDER SHOOTS QUEEN IN THE FOOT
. I couldn't do it!

And then the Queen stood up; and as I watched, goggle-eyed, she reached behind her with one hand and began vigorously scratching at her bottom. A sudden wave of relief rushed over me. It was true!
The Queen did have a bug
. She might pick her teeth in the privacy of her own palace; she might slurp her coffee and dunk her biscuits and yell at the corgis. But the Queen would
never
scratch her bottom. It was clear, at last, what I had to do.

‘Right.' I nodded at Rosie. ‘Open your bubble pack and scatter the contents. I'm going down to root out the bug. Be ready to zap it the minute it appears. OK?'

‘So you think there really is a bug?' said Rosie. ‘You really th – '

‘Just do what I tell you,' I snapped, ‘and don't argue!'

Rosie blinked. ‘Yes,
sir
,' she said.

I waited till the corgis were safely occupied, fighting over the contents of Rosie's bubble pack, then zoomed down till I was on a level with the Queen's neck. She'd stopped scratching her bottom and was on her way to the door. I had to root out that bug before it was too late!

I hovered, trying to keep myself steady while I carefully picked through the Queen's hair, in search of a hole. Yes, there it was! Just as the captain had shown us. I was about to take aim when the Queen put up a hand and irritably slapped at the back of her neck. She was almost at the door. Frantically, I stuck the needle gun directly into the hole and fired.

There was a bloodcurdling shriek. But it didn't come from the Queen, it came from the bug. A slippery, slimy, glistening thing like a giant centipede, which shot out of the Queen's neck and fell hissing and spitting to the floor.

‘Get it!' I shrieked at Rosie.

But Rosie was having trouble with her jet pack. Instead of floating just above the ground, out of reach of the corgis, she was down on the carpet … with the bug, writhing and slithering, making straight for her. I whizzed myself round, resetting my needle gun as I did so, but before I could get in a shot, one of the corgis had darted forward and snatched the thing between its teeth. Rosie rocketed back into the air, and I heard a satisfying
crunch
as the bug was bitten in two and swallowed. Phew! I felt the sweat dripping off me. That had been a bit too close for comfort.

I looked round for the Queen, to check she was all right. She had reached the door and was standing there, regally, waiting for the corgis.

‘One has the strangest feeling,' she told them, ‘that One has not been quite Oneself of late. But all of a sudden…' She smiled majestically. ‘One feels quite restored. One is once again
Oneself!'

‘Looks like we did it,' I said.

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, but now can we just get out?' begged Rosie. ‘I've had enough of this!'

For once, I was in complete agreement. I pressed the button on my com badge and called through to the ship.

‘Mission completed. Two to beam up!'

‘Well done, Ensigns!' The captain was there to greet us as we beamed back aboard the ship. ‘I knew we could rely on you!'

He held out a hand. With cheeks the colour of beetroot, I solemnly put mine into it. I could hardly believe it … Jake McGraw, shaking hands with the captain of the
Galactic Empire
!

‘You have performed a great service, both to your country and to the universe.'

He turned to Rosie; but instead of taking his hand, Rosie very slightly shook her head and backed away.
Now
what was she up to?

‘I didn't do anything,' she said.

‘You were there,' said the captain.

‘But I didn't
do
anything. It was all down to Jake. If it hadn't been for him, we'd never have got the job done. I just, like, totally
freaked
. He was the one got the bug out. He's the real hero.'

Wow! It was the nicest thing she'd ever said. Unfortunately, it made my cheeks practically burst into flames.

‘Now I've embarrassed him,' said Rosie. ‘But it happens to be true!'

‘Well, that is honestly spoken,' said the captain. ‘That is praiseworthy in itself.'

‘Yeah. Thanks,' I muttered.

‘Don't mention it.' Rosie waved a hand. ‘I'd just really like to be getting home, now, if you don't mind.'

‘Of course! I believe your mother wanted you back for lunch? Or, if you prefer, we could take you back earlier, to just before you were beamed up.'

‘Lunch'd probably be best,' said Rosie. ‘I wouldn't want to get into some kind of mad time loop and have to set off all over again. It was quite fun
once
,' she said, ‘but I'd rather not make a habit of it.'