Galaxy Patrol (4 page)

‘They … take up residence,' said the captain.

‘What, like woodworm, or something?' Our dad had once discovered woodworm in an old piece of furniture. He'd shown us all the holes they'd made. Then he'd chopped up the furniture and made a bonfire of it. ‘Woodworm are deadly,' said Rosie. She sounded quite proud of the fact. Who needed alien bugs when we had bugs of our own?

‘Believe me,' said the captain, ‘woodworm do not even begin to compare. Woodworm only destroy property. These things go for people.'

‘
Oo-er
,' said Rosie. She shivered, dramatically. ‘Save me!'

She still wasn't taking it seriously. I was! I knew from
Star Trek
that there were all kinds of vicious bugs out there, just waiting to get at us.

‘How big are they?' I said. I once saw this movie where they had beetles the size of horses. That had been pretty scary.

‘They're not actually very big at all,' said the captain. ‘Quite small, in fact. The danger does not lie in their size – except, of course, it means they can move around without drawing attention to themselves. People simply don't notice them until it's too late. I suppose they could best be likened to one of your Earth insects … the centipede? Let me show you.'

The captain tapped something into the gadget on his wrist and this creature appeared on the computer screen. It was long and brown and shiny, like a centipede with an outsize head, on either side of which were vicious-looking fangs. Its legs, wriggling and kicking, were covered in sharp spikes.

‘Not a pretty picture, I think you will agree.' The captain tapped again, and we saw the same creature in close-up. It had big bulging eyes and two small horns sticking out the top of its head, and I saw that its fangs were dripping with what looked like yellow pus.

‘Poison,' said the captain.

Rosie made a sound like she was going to be sick. Even I recoiled slightly. But I quickly pulled myself together.
Never show fear
. It was only a bug, and a small one at that.

‘Looks like it'd be pretty easy to crush,' I said.
‘I bet if you stamped on it, it'd go splat.'

‘Oh, it would certainly go splat,' said the captain. ‘If, that is, you managed to stamp on it before it ran up your leg and disappeared.'

There was a pause. I looked at Rosie. Rosie looked at me. Why didn't she say something? She was the one that liked to do all the talking! But Rosie pulled a face, like,
go on, then
! I cleared my throat.

‘W-w-where would it d-d-disappear to?'

‘Inside you,' said the captain. ‘First they sink in their fangs, then they burrow. You probably wouldn't even be aware it was happening. When the fangs pierce the skin, it has a deadening effect. Once inside, they head for the brain, and that's it. To all intents and purpose, you become their slave.'

‘That sounds good,' said Rosie. ‘Slave to a bug!'

All very well, her sounding so jaunty. She'd be the first to scream if she saw one. She nearly has hysterics if a spider walks across the ceiling.

‘The fact is,' said the captain, ‘once these bugs have dug themselves in, they can force you to do whatever they want. Start wars, destroy businesses, just generally cause havoc. It's their
whole reason for being on Earth – to wipe out the population and take over the planet. This is why it's so vitally important that they should be rooted out.'

‘And you want us to do the rooting?' said Rosie. ‘I don't think so!'

‘Surely there's got to be some kind of treatment?' I said. ‘Some kind of tablet people could take? That's what happened when our cat had worms, we gave her tablets and then she was all right. They're probably working on it right now.'

‘I wish it were the case,' said the captain. ‘Unfortunately it's not. Apart from anything else, no one on your world realises that these bugs exist. Not even those who have been taken over by them.'

‘So… How d'you get rid of them? You don't have to
kill
people?' I said.

‘No, no!'The captain sounded quite shocked. ‘The aim is to destroy the bugs, not the people.'

‘And that's what you want us to do,' said Rosie. She gave a little snort of laughter. ‘Like we're the SAS, or something.'

I wouldn't actually mind being in the SAS. It is in fact my second ambition, my first one
being to join the space programme.

‘Rest assured,' said the captain, ‘the only violence will be to the bugs. Once they have been eliminated, the people quickly return to their normal selves. They don't even remember being taken over.'

‘And you know this how?' said Rosie.

‘Trust me,' said the captain. ‘I speak from experience. This is far from being our first mission. We have been patrolling this part of the galaxy for over a decade – ever since the bugs started arriving. We know all their nasty little habits. They're mean, they're vicious, and they have to be stopped!'

‘Hmm.' Rosie looked at him with narrowed eyes. ‘How can you tell when a person's been taken over?'

‘There are signs. Sudden unexplained changes in behaviour, for example. We keep a close look out. We are constantly checking your news bulletins, computer blogs, anything which might alert us to the possibility.'

‘But how can you actually
tell
?'

Rosie really knows how to keep at it. But I was quite interested in hearing the answer myself.

‘We observe,' said the captain. ‘We investigate. It's not always easy. In some cases, it can take several months before we know for sure.'

‘You still haven't said
how
,' objected Rosie. She was starting to sound a bit querulous. ‘I mean, someone could just be going mad, in a quite ordinary sort of way. How do you know they're not just going ordinarily mad?'

‘What it comes down to, in the end, is finding physical evidence. Let me show you.'

The captain tapped again on his wrist, and the back of someone's head appeared on the screen. Someone with long blond hair covering their neck.

‘Watch,' said the captain. We watched, as a hand snaked across the screen and carefully scooped the hair out of the way. ‘You see that?' He pointed at a tiny red mark on the back of the neck. ‘That's the evidence we look for. Let me magnify it.'

The tiny red mark suddenly became a gaping hole, in the middle of which could be seen the wriggling legs of one of the centipede things. It made me feel peculiar, just looking at it.

‘That,' said the captain, ‘is one we managed to catch as it was burrowing its way in. Nasty little
blighters, I think you'll agree.'

I saw Rosie's hand go up to feel her neck. She caught me watching her and immediately pretended to be fiddling with her hair.

‘Out of interest,' said the captain, ‘you might care to see a few of the people we know for sure have been taken over. For instance…'

A face flashed up on the screen. Blimey! I recognised it as belonging to an MP that Dad particularly hated. Every time the MP opened his mouth, Dad went ballistic and started shouting that the man was an idiot. Now I knew why. He'd been taken over by a bug!

Another face came up.

‘That's Pete Sullivan!' Rosie sounded outraged. Pete Sullivan was, like, her all-time favourite singer. He was with this band called Death Metal that Mum didn't like her listening to 'cos she said they were too violent.

And great galloping grandmothers! That was the face of someone I'd seen on the telly. He'd just been chucked out for using bad language in front of half a million viewers.

Oh, and that was the lady that was so mean to all the people that came on her show. Only last week she'd made someone cry.

Different faces flashed on and off the screen. Some were famous. Some I didn't know. But all of them, said the captain, had been taken over by bugs. And then…

Then it happened.

I catapulted backwards on my marshmallow. Rosie practically jumped right out of hers.

‘I thought that would get your attention,' said the captain.

I could feel my jaw dropping, and my mouth hanging open.

‘It's the Queen!' The words came out in a kind of yelp. Was the captain really saying that the
Queen
had been taken over?

Rosie was hugging herself, rocking to and fro. ‘Now I've heard everything … the Queen's got a bug!'

‘She can't have,' I said. There had to be some mistake. Bugs in Buckingham Palace? ‘How would it get past security?'

‘All too easily,' said the captain. ‘It's more surprising how it got past the corgis. We're working on the theory that they swamped the place with suicide bugs in the hope that just one would manage to get through without being eaten.'

‘Oh, I love this,' said Rosie.‘I love it, I love it!'

I turned, rather desperately, to the captain.
If even the Queen had been bugged, what hope was there for the rest of us?

‘As of this moment,' said the captain, ‘we don't actually have any definite proof. But take it from me, we're ninety-nine per cent certain. We've been keeping a very careful eye on her recent behaviour. You may remember, a few months ago, that the Queen was in a health scare? She had to cancel her engagements?'

I nodded, doubtfully.

‘I remember,' said Rosie. ‘Mum said it wasn't like her, but it was only to be expected 'cos, after all, she was getting on a bit.'

‘In human terms,' said the captain, ‘that is correct. The inhabitants of your planet do have extraordinarily short life spans. This, of course, is why you're still so backward … you simply don't live long enough to learn.'

I could see Rosie start to bristle.

‘It's not your fault,' said the captain, soothingly. ‘Your planet is still in its infancy. You have a lot of growing up to do. But yes, your mother is quite right, the Queen is no longer young and it is not surprising if she suffers the occasional ailment. On this occasion, however, there was nothing wrong whatsoever.
You may be interested to learn that she spent three whole days sitting in bed playing computer games and eating what I believe you refer to as junk food – burgers and chips, and chicken nuggets?'

I stared, goggle-eyed. The
Queen
? Eating chicken nuggets? In her
bedroom
?

Rosie gave one of her shrill shrieks of laughter. The sort that makes Dad clap his hands to his ears. ‘Sounds a lot more fun than going round factories!'

‘Yes; the bug obviously thought so. Just as last week it thought it would be fun to throw bread rolls at a banquet given for the Russian president.'

‘We never heard about that,' I said.

‘You wouldn't. The Palace kept it very quiet.'

‘Maybe she's just going loopy,' said Rosie. ‘People do, when they get old.'

‘Trust me,' said the captain. ‘She is not going loopy. She's been invaded by a bug, and it has to be removed. This is where you come in. You and Jake. We should like to recruit you as honorary members of PIE.'

‘What's that mean?' said Rosie. ‘Honorary members?'

‘It means you have been specially chosen to help defend your planet. We can't offer you full membership, I'm afraid; Earth is not yet advanced enough to qualify. But you would be part of a very select band.'

‘Why us?'

Why
her
, more to the point. I still didn't see what use anyone thought she was going to be.

‘Why can't you do it yourselves?' said Rosie. ‘Seeing as you're so advanced.'

‘The fact is,' said the captain, ‘the entire galaxy is under threat. It is essential that we all work
together. Unfortunately, we are not permitted to land on any planet that is not a member of PIE. This is for a good reason. You may think of us as … what was it? Perambulating octopuses?'

‘That was her,' I said. ‘Not me!'

I was glad to see Rosie's cheeks turn pink. She wasn't
totally
without shame.