Game Over (11 page)

It became a difficult and emotional situation for me.
For a long time, I dwelled on what to do. I was lost and scared. For the longest, I’d always thought I was a woman. I’d always thought I was grown. I thought I’d faced every problem a woman could face so I could handle anything. This, though, knocked me down a few pegs. It let me know that there was still so much to learn about being a woman. I was still a child scared to grow up.

I’m not perfect. I never was and never will be. I was
then
and still am
now
a work in progress. Because of that, I made a decision that I will always regret.

Rosan
na and Tina a few older friends of mine were with me when I got it done back in New York. They knew me having a baby wasn’t a good idea. I was scared and it took some serious thinking to make the final decision. I thought about me never being able to have children down the line if there were complications. I prayed on it and at the time thought I made the right decision. But I know now that God has a plan and I put it in his hands then and now. I can't question his plan for me. I knew the importance of using condoms and was using protection so it wasn't me being irresponsible. For that part, I didn't feel guilty. I saw it as a mistake and I had to do what was best for myself and my unborn child.

With that said, to all those reading this and frowning down at me
on your Mother Teresa thing, don’t judge me unless you’ve never sinned a day in your life. 

13-
Puerto Rico

More time passed. More parties passed too.
Not long after leaving Atlanta the realization came that I’d been on the run for eight years just having fun. It was 2004 and I’d been partying since 1996. I fell back just slightly…slowed down just a bit. After pretending to be married to Baby Blue for 30 days while living in Atlanta I had to do some soul searching. The BMF environment had gotten really wild. I needed a change. I had promised myself to think more clearly before getting deeply involved with another man. I still kept Baby Blue on my injured reserve list.

I found myself in the studio with Cassidy.
“Hotel” by Cassidy, his debut single that he’d done with R. Kelly, had turned out to be a certified banger. The video was all over television and the song itself was especially getting love in the clubs. Everyone was in love with it. Its huge success had his label keeping him busy in the studio working on his debut album Split Personality, as well as doing interviews, photo sessions and everything under the sun for promotion. He was their Million Dollar Kid and of course I was right there along for the ride.

Not only did I st
yle for him but we became cool. We really grew close. And once again, it was just like the Jason situation. I was getting a chance to see the appreciative side of a rapper, the innocent side before the game took him over like it had done to so many others. It was fun. We hung out a lot. He treated me like a sister and I treated him like a brother.

Despite me and Swizz no longer fuckin’ around anymore, the two of us continued to remain cordial. From him I’d learned the valuable lesson that just because you were mad at someone you did business with, it didn’t mean that you couldn’t put it aside and still get money with them. Never fuck up your money over personal squabbles.
But because he’d put the word out that one time, everyone assumed we were still fuckin’. They figured we
had
to be. But they were wrong. When Swizz exploded on me at that video shoot in front of everyone and said he wasn’t fuckin’ with me anymore, he meant it. Well at least, sexually. But as I said, we still remained cool as far as business was concerned.

One night, we were hanging at the studio. It was
Cassidy, myself and some broad he had flown in from London to chill with him. Cassidy was in and out of the booth that night putting the finishing touches on what would be his platinum debut while Swizz aggressively manned the boards, making sure the release would be hot. As the music thumped loudly, the entire studio was cloudy with weed smoke. We were each keeping a blunt in constant rotation, excluding Swizz. It was always like that during most of the recording sessions I sat in. Rappers and producers couldn’t seem to function unless they had no less than a pound of weed on deck. That was what always seemed to get their creative juices flowing. There was also always plenty of liquor. Cassidy’s session was no different.

The most ironic part
about that session was how no matter what, Swizz always handled business. He showed there were no hard feelings between us when he asked me to get on the skit which ended up being the intro to the Hotel Remix that Cassidy did with R. Kelly and Trina. I had no bad feelings toward him either so I did it. 

As we blazed, drank, and nodded our heads to the music, out of nowhere
Cassidy asked me to fly out with him and his crew to Puerto Rico the next day. They were going for a conference. It caught me off guard. He hadn’t mentioned anything about the trip to Puerto Rico before that moment. I didn’t have any clothes ready, wouldn’t even consider paying for my own plane ticket and had no date to bun up with at night.

“You payin’ my way?” I asked.

“I got you,” he said.

It didn’t take long for me to decide. I was used to jetsetting from city to city and after just coming off the ride of my life with Baby
Blue my taste buds were ready for a little fun. Just like that I’d forgotten about all my reflections. My life was crazy like that. Before I knew it, we were sitting in first class on a plane sipping champagne headed out to sun filled Puerto Rico. Although I’d gotten to see many different places courtesy of my connections in the industry, none excited me more than getting the chance to go to Puerto Rico. It was my native land. It was where my people had come from. I hadn’t been that excited about going to a specific place since the day Smiley told me he was taking me to Vegas.

My grandmother had told me millions of stories about
Puerto Rico. She’d always told me how beautiful it was. But despite what she’d said, there was no substitute for experiencing it myself. From the moment I stepped off the plane, I was in love. It was much more than how I’d heard or imagined it would be.

The label had
booked us in a plush hotel filled with villas and cottages. That was definitely new to me. I’d never known there were hotels designed that way. I was used to floors and suites. It was all good though. The only fucked up thing about it was I would have to share a room with Cassidy’s assistant and a few others. That was definitely a turn off. It reminded me of my dorm back at college but what else could I do other than come out my own pocket? Swizz was footing the bill on Cassidy’s stay. And he and I weren’t getting it in anymore. Also, I didn’t have a consistent sponsor in my life at that time. I had called it quits with Baby Blue and me and Jason weren’t steady. On my own, my funds were low at that time so the last thing I could do was complain. Besides, how many people were getting an all-expense paid trip to Puerto Rico? How often does that happen? How could I complain about that?

The DJ conference we were there to attend was a monster. It was huge. Nearly all the movers and shakers in Hip Hop were there. When we reached the lobby, there was nothing but laughter, loud talking, and wall to wall
dudes. I recognized faces immediately. Puffy and his Bad Boy crew were there. Kanye West and Keyshia Cole were there. Snoop was also there. Of course, I had been a “Chronic” fan and “Doggy Style” fan like nearly everyone else in Hip Hop so I was excited to see him standing that close to me.

Without exaggeration, there were at least a thousand bodies in that lobby. Every rapper had a crew on top of security. They also had assistants
who themselves had assistants. It was wild. It also came off like a reunion as each rapper conversed with one another about the last time they’d connected. They talked about females they’d fucked, places they’d been, award shows they’d attended, niggas they’d smacked up, weed they’d smoked and a whole lot more.

As time passed, everyone began to check into their rooms. Through all the commotion, I noticed Jason. I’m not going to lie about
it. I’d really missed him, the real him. And at that point I had decided if he attempted to play me by ‘not speaking to me in public’ there would be hell to pay. I just wasn’t going for it.

When I saw his smile, it melted me.
We hugged and my pussy got super wet. When I heard that hoarse, rough voice of his, my body shivered. I then realized having to sleep in a room with several other people was no longer something I had to settle for. Fuck that! I was going to chill with him in his room. I didn’t care how he felt about it.

“Who you here with?” he asked out of the blue.

“Cassidy,” I said softly.

Jason had heard that I was tight with Cassidy. He didn’t know the whole story but he gave me a hint that he was feeling some kind of way about it. His crew even looked at me sideways like I was a groupie or something. I quickly let him know that it wasn’t what he thought. I was simply styling for Cassidy and that was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Besides, Cassidy was there with a chick of his own. The last thing he was thinking about was me.

“Now, give me the key to your room,” I demanded boldly putting my bid in. Jason knew what it was. He knew we needed time together.

“I’m staying with you,” I said.

With his crew looking at him, Jason couldn’t do anything but smile and give me what I wanted. In my heart, I loved it. It was cute to me to know that I had him like he had me. You can’t change history.

“Yeah,
Jadakiss,” I said cockily after getting his key in my hand. “You know what it is. I got it like that.”

He laughed, knowing I was right. I had a place in his heart no other
woman could touch no matter how long we went without seeing each other. The shit gave me a sense of entitlement so instantly, I ordered a bell cap to take my bags to Jason’s room. I wanted to get a quickie in but was disappointed that Jason didn’t come to the room like I’d hoped. I thought all I had to do was shake my ass real good for him while I walked and he would follow me like a lost puppy. It didn’t happen that way though. He and nearly every other rapper were there on business, not pleasure. They had meetings and commitments. Fucking would have to come later.

I was bored and as I said, disappointed. The room was silent, and silence was something I w
asn’t used to. I hadn’t come all this way to meditate. I was used to excitement. My life was filled with noise, partying, traveling, drinking, smoking, and sex. Shit, I was addicted to getting it in. So of course, sitting in a room looking stupid and twiddling my thumbs was not an option. Fuck that. I hopped on the phone, called Cassidy’s jump off and we met up to get some food.

While the two of us were hanging out eating and exploring the hotel, I ran into Fab.
Of course I’d seen him in Atlanta but it seemed like overnight now his face was all over the TV and his music was all over the radio. Looking at his clothes, bling and swag, he had definitely come up. The nigga was shining like new money. He was also surrounded by an entourage. Most of them were from Brooklyn. I recognized a few from my hood.

When Fab saw me, he gave me a look that I recognized. It was pretty much the look he used to give me when he was broke. It was sort of innocent.
As if he liked me but didn’t want to admit it or was afraid to show it. I still didn’t know what that was all about. He quickly switched it up though and began to play the Fab role he’d invented to sell records. He had an image to protect.

After hugging,
Cassidy’s girl and I hung out with Fab and his crew. Since most of us were from the same hood, it was pretty much like a festive gathering of friends. We drank and laughed. Finally, Fab had to go. I knew I’d see him again soon though.

As the day passed, there was one event after another, one party after another. But through it all, I never saw Jason. I had no idea where he was. That kind of pissed me off because I did want some of his attention. Cassidy’s schedule was tight also. He had no free time for his girl. The event really was all about business. Bored, I finally retreated back to Jason’s room alone again. As I sat there flicking through television channels, I couldn’t take it. I needed to do something. I’d heard earlier that Snoop was throwing a major party
that night so I decided to go check it out. I had an agenda also. Shit, since I had no man, I knew the party would be a chance for me to at least find a sponsor.

Snoop’s shit was off the chain. The music was loud, there was free liquor, free food and tons of potential sponsors. Among them were members of BMF. As usual, they were doing it big.
I just smiled but never hung out with them. The spot was filled with Hip Hop celebrities. Snoop, Kanye West, Keisha Cole, Trick Daddy, Trina and so many others. Immediately, seeing this as more than just an opportunity to pick up a new sponsor, I realized it was a chance to make some business moves. I got my hustle on. I’d learned a lot from Dame. This was one. I’d remembered how relentless he was when promoting Roc-A-Fella. In a room like this, he would definitely be promoting so I took a page from his playbook. I started mingling and passing out my business cards, hoping to get a few styling jobs for later.

I finally left the party. Although a lot of people were there, there was still no sign of Jason. He hadn’t even breezed through for
even a second. The shit had me kind of down. Damn, he wasn’t even my man but he had me open like that. I found myself sitting at the makeshift bus stop where the hotel guests waited for the golf carts to take them back to the villas. That was one of those types of moments I used to hate. Back then, having time to think always irked me. I guess that’s why I was always making poor decisions. I was too impulsive.

Anyway, at that moment my mind was on Jason when someone came up and sat down next to me.
At first, I didn’t bother to look and see who it was. When I finally did, I recognized him immediately. He’d disrespected me in New York a couple of months back for no damn reason. I didn’t know whether to roll my eyes at him, say what I really felt or use my hands. I’d been around Swizz a lot and had gotten a little bit more cocky and inconsiderate like him. Somehow, he broke the ice. And within the first two minutes of our conversation, the rapper known as The Game apologized to me for the way he treated me at The W Hotel- Times Square a few months prior.

I had originally met Game while
Webb and I were hanging out in Queens. Webb knew him and took me with him that night to pick Game up from the studio. Afterward, we made small talk, nothing serious. At that time, Game hadn’t blown up yet. He was a nobody, but he had a sense of humor that made me laugh so I enjoyed hanging with him. That was it and that was all. There was no type of attraction. The three of us laughed and chopped it up with no problem.

Before long, we all ended up back
at the W Hotel. While there, we smoked good weed and drank a few bottles of Moet. I didn’t see any problem with being in a hotel room with two guys because Webb and I were cool. We went way back so I knew I could trust him.