Game Over (9 page)

By my second week at the house he had invited other women to the house
, ones he had sexual relationships with. Thank God I made his ass use condoms each and every time. Catching something was my worse fear. I hadn’t become emotionally tied to him, so for me, it was no sweat. I understood where we were going….nowhere…yet the money and good living still flowed. I figured where else would I go and have a lavish lifestyle that someone else paid for. I mean where else would I go where Ashanti lived in the mansion next door?

Before long,
it was time for me to go. My intuition told me that would be the end of Chink and I. He had enough women on his little string that I figured he wouldn’t even remember my name by Christmas. Before leaving I told him I would be at my grandmother’s house in Brooklyn and that he could hit me up once he got to the city. That’s when his next proposition arose.

He offered to let me stay in his apartment in
New Jersey for free.

I could stay rent free
? Aw hell! Another bell went off. I should’ve known not to accept….but I did. Free rent and a chance to get out of the projects was all I needed to hear. So I left Miami, went back to Brooklyn and soon found myself living in an apartment in New Jersey where Chink Santana footed the bills. Unbeknownst to me, someone else lived there too. It wasn’t just me.

Games! Always games.

10
-
Trust No Man

Games
. Trust me, in this industry, everyone plays them. Either you’re the player or you’re getting played. You use or you get used. It’s not personal. That’s just the way it is. And the quicker you realize it, the better off you’ll be. I’d realized it, accepted it and I was using it to my advantage. That’s why the arrangement I had with Chink Santana worked for me.

Our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. That was more than obvious. But rather than walk away, I continued to stay at the spot in
New Jersey with him and his assistant. Shit, he was still paying the rent and bills so why not? Like I said, you use or you get used. Chink rarely stopped by the spot. When he did, it was usually for some ass. Most of the time, he was at the studio or taking care of his business affairs for Murder Inc. Other times, he was at home with hi
s
baby’s momma who lived only two blocks away. By this time, it didn’t bother me, my feelings didn’t come into play. He was serving a purpose and I’d gotten the memo on his juggling act. He snored like a grizzly bear anyway so he did me a favor. It was crazy how he’d bring other girls or “friends” to the apartment where I lay my head. Even though I didn’t care, that was downright rude.

One night in particular he waltzed into the bedroom where we both slept whenever he came through. After tapping me on the shoulder he allowed the most asinine words to come from his mouth.

“Go sleep on the couch.”

That shit was historic! He had balls
. I turned to see a woman standing behind him. “Whatever nigga,” I said, while grabbing my blanket and hauling ass toward the couch.

But Chink’s antics didn’t bother me because I
was getting used to the game. One day, Janine and I were out on 57
th
& Broadway when we saw a yellow Lambo getting towed. Obviously, the sight drew attention. Janine and I went over to investigate, figuring the owner was probably someone famous. Come to find out, it was. The owner was Swizz Beatz.
Bingo
, I told myself. He introduced himself to Janine and me like he knew us. He didn’t seem to be stuck on himself. I liked that. He even told us why his car was being towed. He said he was having it shipped out of New York.

After our small talk
, I got his number.

Now I knew exactly who Swi
zz Beatz was. I knew he was a producer and I knew he had his own company, Full Surface. But most importantly, I knew he was married. I had no intention of being a home wrecker. Just like Chink, I was merely hoping to use Swizz to serve a purpose. You know, maybe get a few vacations and high priced bags out of him. In the beginning, that’s exactly how things went between us. We’d eat at fancy restaurants late at night after he finished at the studio or meet up somewhere discreet just to spend a little time with one another. Swizz was one of those arrogant, inconsiderate brothers who thinks the world revolves around him so he always told me when and where to meet him. Most times it was somewhere secluded, away from wandering eyes.

Our relationship grew quickly the moment we
‘got it in’ for the first time. Of course, Swizz kept us a secret. Since he was married, it was self-explanatory. He also didn’t really want the industry in his business. He preferred to keep everything
about
us
between
us, which was all good with me.

So it came as no surprise that we’d meet in the most unlikely places. The Full Surface office is where I first got christened and realized
he was the biggest I’d ever had. Table top, on the desk, he punished the pussy amongst the many music related plaques that lined the wall. Posters of his first son and even a portrait of him and Mashonda had its place on the wall too.
How disrespectful
, I thought. Every time my eyes peered at Mashonda’s oversized portrait on the wall I felt like she was putting a hex on me.

He treated me like it was the best he’d ever ha
d requesting more as soon as each session ended. I was flattered so when he called me just a few weeks later and asked me to meet him not far from the studio, I agreed. The moment our eyes connected I knew what it was. “Let me get some,” he commented. I kept thinking maybe we’d go to a hotel, but no….he meant right then. Next thing I knew we were in the back seat of my car with him on top of me giving me swollen lips once again. Sometimes I would literally be in pain after fucking him. I mean I could feel my uterus tilting often when we were done, and I was barely able to walk.

That went on for a while, wild sexcapades and sporadic meetings.
Swizz was crafty like that. At the time, of course, Chink would still ring my phone from time to time, thinking he owned me just because he paid the bills at the spot. But shit, obviously he was doing his thing so I saw nothing wrong with doing mine. I had even hooked up with Jadakiss again despite the way he was throwing me shade in front of people. A part of my heart was still his but I wasn’t interested in trying to truly rekindle what we once had. I just liked being around him because of our history together. Every woman has that one man in her life who no matter how much she wants to forget him, she can’t. For me, Jason was that man. But Swizz and Chink were each like credit cards that I used when nothing else was available. Nothing personal. But I’d learned that it was always best to keep more than one man on hand because you never know when you might need a Gucci bag, a piece of jewelry, or a bill paid. I’d also grown pretty good at juggling niggas and keeping it quiet. I’d picked it up from Dame.

Swi
zz was cool and because he had major paper we could hit up a lot of places. He spoiled me and spent a lot of time with me. The only thing I didn’t quite like was his sexual habits. Swizz didn’t like to use condoms at all. That didn’t sit too well with me. It had me thinking, if he was fucking me with no protection, who else was he fucking with no protection? I wasn’t feeling that at all. The last thing I wanted to do was take a chance on catching AIDS or getting pregnant. I wasn’t ready to die and I wasn’t ready for kids so I insisted he use a condom. He tried to talk me out of it of course.

Swizz
and I began to spend more time together. Cassidy had gotten busy so Swizz and I became workmates often, keeping our relationship professional in front of others. Besides, Swizz had made it absolutely clear to me from the jump that he would
never
leave his wife under any circumstances. She would always be first in his life. For that, I respected him. He did everything he could to keep her protected and us a secret. That’s why I don’t quite understand why he did what he did one particular night.

We
were out at a restaurant grabbing something to eat after the club. We were sitting at a table when Cassidy’s boy Niko tried to holla at me. For some reason, as Niko continued to get at me, Swizz started acting strange. I mean, it was like he was getting jealous and it was obvious. He even kept bumping my leg underneath the table. Finally out of nowhere, he announced to Niko that I was his woman. The shit shocked the hell out of me more than everyone else.

In all honesty, when he put it out there, the first thing I thought about was his wife
, Mashonda. By him admitting to everyone the reality about us, I knew there was a chance it would get back to his wife. After all this time of trying to keep her protected, I wondered why he would take a chance on jeopardizing their relationship.

Mashonda was around often. She was always showing support for him. Each time they were out, Swizz treated her like she was the most important woman in the room. I stayed in my lane. I knew my position and played it well, even when
she and I worked on set during one of Cassidy’s videos. I worked just as hard to keep us a secret as he did so it just didn’t make any sense to me as to why he put us out there.

Swizz was already starting to skate on thin ice with Mashonda just before the night at the club. I’d actually witnessed an argument between them
while riding in the SUV headed to Philly for Cassidy’s show when Swizz’s phone rang. I knew he would answer; he always answered her calls. As soon as he picked up, she spazzed out on him, accusing him of fucking the R&B singer, Mya. I remained silent, ear hustling. When he finally hung up, I asked him if he’d been fucking Mya. I wanted to know since he’d been treating me like Mashonda and I were the only two women in his life. He didn’t answer. He just had that Simple Simon look on his face that I’ve seen a million times before when men get busted. I stayed with him though. As his demands grew stronger, his sexual appetite did as well.

Once
I thought we were just hanging out and eating after leaving the studio. I had my feet on the dash of his Range Rover chilling when Swizz made yet another spontaneous proposition. “Let’s find a spot,” he said smoothly. The shit just rolled off of his tongue. My facial expression warned him that something was wrong. After he tried to figure out what the problem was, I finally told him, “I’m on.” He kept driving until he pulled over to what I considered the most romantic spot you’d want to find to fuck in the car. A compact spot overlooking New York City. I knew what it was and warding him off would be hard. Swizz always got what he wanted. Before long, he grabbed some sort of t-shirt or towel. It didn’t take long for him to enter me with his thickness once again.

When I look back on the whole Swi
zz and me thing, I do feel terrible. Mashonda will never believe that, but it really is the truth. When a woman holds her man down the way she held Swizz down, she should be rewarded with that man’s loyalty. She deserves it.

I was immature and
blinded by someone else’s fame and only thinking about myself during that situation. But in all actuality, when Mashonda looks at the eventual break up of their marriage, she has to admit that it wasn’t me who actually broke up her marriage, now was it? Not trying to be a smart ass. It just is what it is.

Still, our escapades continued.

1
1-
Never Bite The Hand That Feeds Yo
u

When
I heard that I would be heading to Arizona to meet Swizz a sensual feeling came over me. This escapade differed from the others. He and Mashonda were already in Arizona and I’d be flying in as she was flying out. When I first heard the sketchy details a part of me knew it was wrong to go. Against my better judgment, I flew out anyway. By the time I landed and Swizz picked me up in a sky blue Aston Martin, I got hyped about our time together in the dry state. I’d never been to Arizona before and had tons of questions for Swizz but his silence told me something shady was going on. His weird mannerisms gave me all the signs. I knew him well by then. We’d been messing around for roughly two months.

“So, what’s up? What are we doing?” I asked eagerly.

He still gave me that s
hady, up to no good look. “Swizz, what’s up?” I asked him again.

When his words finally flew from his lips I wanted to punch him in the face.

He actually said he didn’t want to do anything while Mashonda’s in the air.

“
She hasn’t called me yet,” he uttered.

“And?” I spat sarcastically.

He didn’t respond. He simply drove to the Sanctuary Hotel where he and Mashonda had a luxurious suite. Once inside, he still didn’t say much while waiting for her call. Her flight should’ve landed a while before we made it back into the room. It didn’t and soon Swizz began to panic. He thought Mashonda might’ve been slick enough to show up at the room to catch him with me. He began rubbing his head, pacing the floor and talking real crazy, dialing her number back to back. At that point I’d become irritated with the start of my trip.

The next thing I knew he’d gotten another room across the hall and moved my stuff into that room. He was crafty like that; always staying ahead of the game when he cheated. We didn’t even have sex while he waited for her call. Mashonda had his mind gone, or maybe that
was just a guilty conscience. Finally, hours later, she called. The conversation was brief. I remember him saying, “I’m about to go to the studio.”

Not sure what she said but just like that he hung up and transformed into the Swizz I knew. “We can go back into the other room now,” he instructed.
As usual we had wild, crazy sex and we shopped, this time the Louis Vuitton store, my favorite. There were dinners every night including one of my favorites, P.F. Changs. I should’ve felt guilty about sleeping with Swizz…maybe that’s why karma caught up with me sooner than I thought. As soon as I got back to Jersey some bullshit was thrown in my face.

Gossip
, such a terrible thing.

Word had gotten back to Chink about me and Ja. Although Irv
and I are still good these days and I’m thankful to him for allowing me to be a part of Murder Inc., either Irv or his brother Chris dry snitched on me about sleeping with Ja. Chink wouldn’t say which one. I was pissed at Ja, too for not keeping what we did between us. We simply spent a night together. But men will be men, I guess. They gossip just like broads no matter what they want the rest of the world to believe.

When Chink got word about the Ja situation, obviously he was angry.
The moment we saw each other when I returned from Arizona it all began. He saw all my bags, compliments of Swizz, and shouted when his eyes spotted the Louis Vuitton bag, “Where that shit come from?”

“A styling job with DMX.” The lie rolled off my tongue so effortlessly. I really had pulled clothes for DMX just not when I said I did.

He pulled me out the apartment and said, “We gotta talk.”

We walked outside so nobody else would hear our business.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he said. I denied the shit with a straight face and puppy dog eyes but it didn’t do any good. “Yo, Winter, I know, Irv told me.”

“Rumors are always being spread and niggas never know what they’re talking about,” I shouted. Obviously
, he never spoke to Rule. I know he wouldn’t have lied on me.

“The shit’s embarrassing!”

His tone had gotten too high. Had he forgotten I wasn’t his chick? Had he forgotten he’d brought other chicks around me and paraded them in my face? That payback shit hurts…sometimes.

“You got me looking stupid,” he added tugging at my shirt and moving way too close to my face.

At that moment I knew he wouldn’t be able to get past the Ja situation.

My thoughts spiraled. The nerve, nigga. You live with your bitch up the street and everyone knows it, but you’re embarrassed? No, your ego is embarrassed. 

“
If you want me to leave, I will,” I finally stated.

“Yeah. I do,” he said firmly.

That’s when my meal ticket with Chink was cut and I was handed my walking papers. I packed up that same day and he quit messing with me. Period. There was no more free rent, food and money. Gloom filled me for a moment. There’s no sense in lying. But after realizing how average the sex was and that I never truly had real feelings for him, I decided to keep it moving. Besides, it wasn’t like I really needed him. My styling career had taken off enough to keep money in my pocket and me on my feet. What I was getting from him was just a bonus. My mentality was always that
I would get over it
.

After moving out of Chink’s spot, I moved back in with my grandmother in the projects. Even though I was getting money I thought it was best to save
it, not knowing how many of my other sponsors would come through. Looking back on it now, obviously the move was immature. I should’ve gotten my own place. I guess deep down inside I was scared to stand on my own. Something inside me had me feeling like I needed someone else to foot the bills; they were my safety net. It was childish, I realize now. Back then, though, that was just the way I did things.

Moving in with
my grandmother was a bad look. I’d downgraded. Here I was, under the arms of big name rappers, attending big name events and styling for good money. But I had been reduced to having to move back into the projects like Florence Ballard of The Supremes. It seemed crazy to other people but I didn’t see it that way. I’d always been close to the hood. I still am, to be honest. Although my body may leave the hood, my heart never will. I guess that’s one of the main reasons why I didn’t see a problem with it.

Just a few weeks later more drama headed my way.
It came in the form of a damn snake who was supposed to be my friend. But since what Swizz and I had was built on deceit, I guess I deserved it. The end started when Danny did some bullshit. At that time, despite knowing Swizz was possibly sleeping with Mya and Lord knows whoever else, I’d begun to fall back from Jadakiss. Chances of me getting caught became too frequent. I would even avoid going to studio sessions or industry events if I knew there was even the possibility of running into Jada while with Swizz.

Since it was now out there that Swizz
and I were together, one day I asked Danny for some advice regarding Swizz. Little did I know where the conversation would lead. During our talk, he mentioned that everyone who knew Swizz knew that he didn’t like to wear a condom. That surprised me. I had no idea Swizz discussed something that personal with people. Anyway, Danny jokingly said I should get knocked up by Swizz and let one of the child support payments buy him a Range Rover similar to the one Swizz drove. I laughed it off.

A few days later,
Swizz wasn’t answering my calls. It was weird. We normally talked three to four times a day. Eventually, I figured he’d gotten interested in someone else. But I didn’t care at that point, I wasn’t trying to play his games. Besides, my uterus needed a break anyway.

  
I ended up seeing him the next day when Danny called and told me to pick up my check from him in Yonkers at the Ruff Ryders studio. I got there and saw Swizz. It was an eerie feeling. I should’ve known something was up from the cunning look in Danny’s eyes. Swizz didn’t speak. So, I didn’t speak either. It all seemed childish to me. But as soon as I left the studio, Swizz called and told me to meet him up the street at the McDonalds.  

When he pulled up in his Mercedes Benz wagon I could tell from his facial expression he had an issue with me.
Come to find out, Danny did some real live hoe shit that I would have never expected from him. He’d told Swizz about our conversation but put a spin on it by saying that I told him I was going to get pregnant by him purposely and celebrate by buying myself a brand new Range Rover with Swizz’s money. I couldn’t believe that shit.

But
obviously Swizz did at first. That’s why he hadn’t been answering any of my calls.
At first we argued about it. I stepped to him hard, letting him know my feelings. “You putting me through too much grief for someone who’s married.” I hit him with my signature finger popping, moving up and down and neck swirling. I couldn’t believe he fed into something so childish. Eventually he admitted that he’d spoken to his Uncle Dee who knew Danny very well. He told me that his uncle had gotten at him about believing Danny. He told Swizz that Danny had lied. Everything looked like it was going to get back on track for us.

  The very next day I lit into Danny’s ass.
It pissed me off so bad. “You fuckin’ snake in the grass,” I began. “Why would you do some foul shit like that!” 

He lied
from the moment words flew from his mouth. As I told him everything Swizz told me that he said, he denied all of that too. I didn’t believe Danny one bit but he helped to feed my hustle. We were still sorta like business partners. He’d gotten me the Drag-On and Cassidy jobs. We were getting money together making $1500 per job, styling for video shoots, magazine covers, album packaging and much more. That fact rose above everything else. I was making that money on my own and more opportunities through Danny would come. I couldn’t jeopardize that, especially now that Swizz and I weren’t one hundred percent.  

But once again, because of Danny, shit between
me and Swizz ended; this time, for good.

Swizz didn’t like me remaining cool with Danny after what Danny had done. I understood but Danny was my bread and butter. I didn’t have the stability Swizz had so I couldn’t take a chance on getting left out there. I had to fuck with him. Swizz didn’t want to understand that though. It all came to a head
a few days later during the Bang Bang Boom video shoot in Miami for Drag-On’s new song which featured Swizz.

Danny and I were having a harmless conversation. He said something that made me laugh. All of a sudden, Swizz stormed over to us and went off on me in front of everyone.
“You real foul, embarrassing me in front of Danny,” he shouted. “And you over here talking about me.”

I tried to explain that we weren’t discussing him at all and that he was being childish but his last words sent my blood boiling. “And you
should’ve been more discreet about our relationship.”

“
Really?” was all I could say, but in my head all sorts of thoughts swirled around. He was the one who decided to let everyone know about our fling. I never went around boasting or bragging. Our relationship was over for good at that point. Our many months together had ended. The shit hurt. I won’t lie and say that it didn’t. It seemed like the older I got the softer I had become. But in true Winter fashion, I had no choice but to snap back and keep it moving, understanding that jump-offs come and go. Mine was now gone.

His phone calls stopped. His visits stopped. There were no more dates, no more sex, no more anything.

Strangely though, my first thought was to find Jason.