George Washington Zombie Slayer (12 page)

“OK, fuck!” Martha exclaimed “Yes I got it!  OK! Yes! I understand!”

“I’m sorry, my dear,” George said while standing up and hugging his wife. “It’s just that I’m feeling very
metaphorically stressed at the moment.”

“I shall have Beyonce and Oprah
make us a special dinner tonight,” Martha replied while hugging him back. “Something to take your mind off your worldly troubles.”

“Did I ever mention want a wonderful wife I have, Mrs. Washington? George asked.

“Not often enough,” Martha joked. “And have I ever mentioned what a smart and brave and handsome husband I have, Mr. Washington?”

“Oh, DO go on,” George said jokingly. “Your husband sounds like a REAL catch!”

“He’s somewhat conceited,” Martha kidded. “But I guess that makes me love him all the more.”  

“Conceited, you say?” George said, moving playfully towards Martha to grab her. “I think that somebody may be in need of a good spanking!”

“Oh NO, Sir!” Martha said as she ducked away from George’s grasp and ran giggling from the parlor.

“You can run, but you can’t hide,” George shouted as he chased her out of the parlor
and into their private bedroom.

Chapter 29

Aftermath of the Massacre

It was important to the American colonial leaders that the eight Redcoat British soldiers arrested and charged in the Boston Massacre shootings were given proper legal representation and a fair trial. Americans have always had a tremendous respect for a fair judicial system. In this matter, the colonists did not wish to give the British Monarch any reason to initiate punitive or retaliatory measures against the colonists based upon unfair treatment of these indicted soldiers, whether real or perceived.

John Adams was selected and agreed to serve, somewhat unwillingly at first, as defense counsel for the Redcoats.  Adams was universally respected,
and though had a reputation for crankiness, everyone knew he would do his duty and exercise due diligence in the defense of these soldiers. He was the perfect choice.

Adams learned more of the British zombie soldiers while preparing his defense, though all references to
their involvement in the Boston Massacre were deleted from any official statements, records or testimony. Adams already knew of the existence of the zombies from the earlier warning letter he received from George Washington. Adams also thought it best to conceal the existence of these undead troops, lest the colonial citizenry become alarmed, or possibly enraged.

British Captain Preston, one of the Redcoats charged in the Boston Massacre shooting, made the only know
n historical reference to the zombie soldiers’ involvement in the Boston Massacre in a letter written home to his father, shortly after his indictment.

He wrote: “
They have me locked up and I’m really bummed. This sucks. But my defense barrister, a Mister Addams (sp), seems intent on providing us with a sound defence in the matter. He believes my word that I gave no order to open fire. He has also refrained from referencing the zombie soldiers under my command, which he feels if the jurors learnt of, that I would be truly fucked. My love to mother and little sister Brittney. Yours Truly, P.”

Months later, at the trial of the indicted Boston Massacre Redcoats, John Adams gave a stirring, heartfelt and energetic defense in open court.  Adams was a legal whirlwind, expertly questioning
witnesses here, deftly examining evidence there, all the while building a case that the soldiers were under a mob attack and were justified in firing to protect themselves.

John Adams gave
such a stirring and emotionally charged summation that many of the crowd, and even the judge and jurors, were moved to tears. His closing summary was so clear, insightful and dramatically effective that portions of it are still studied in legal classrooms to this day.

In his
most famous speech defending the Redcoat soldiers, Adams stated:

“Yes, they are Redcoats. But
also, they are men. And as men, they have a legal RIGHT to defend themselves! These men were under attack. Make no mistake! These men were being taunted and surrounded and harassed and pelted with rocks and garbage. And then one British Officer was hit by a flying dwarf! A fucking DWARF was thrown at him! A fucking DWARF!

Does not a man have a right to defend himself against a dwarf being flung at him in anger? Ask yourselves, gentlemen of the jury,
Cannot that man his own person so defend? Or shall the skies of our fair colonies be filled with legions of angrily hoisted dwarves, recklessly flung at those so targeted, and helpless to defend themselves from this pint-sized Armageddon?”

Even with such a passionate rhetorical defense, it came as a surprise that Adams managed to get six of the British soldiers entirely acquitted.  Two others were found guilty and sentenced to death.  It was felt the convicted were indeed threatened to some degree, but could have waited longer before actually opening fire upon the crowd. But as the condemned invoked the “benefit of cl
ergy,” their sentences were reduced from hanging to branding upon the thumb.

The general reaction of the Colonies to the verdict ranged from acceptance to outrage. Many felt a fair trial had been held, and a fair
verdict had been reached. But many others felt that the British had “gotten away with” yet another outrage against colonial citizens.

Although casualties were light in the Boston Massacre, the
symbolic
reality of the event had a powerful effect upon the Colonial American psyche. Had the British soldiers all been found guilty, the Colonial citizenry might well have regarded the event as an example that British atrocities would be punished by rule of law.

But as the British soldiers were mainly acquitted, it seemed
to many that the rule of law had somehow failed, and that the British were free to free to harass, assault, and even kill Colonial citizens with impunity.  Yes, the British were threatened and assaulted, but they had killed unarmed civilians in response and had shed patriot blood.

There was an ever growing feeling that the British were not being held accountable and that Colonial citizens were justified in fe
eling the need for resistance. In feeling the need to fight back. In feeing the justified need to rebel.

Chapter 30

The Boston Tea Party

George Wa
shington followed the events in the weeks both before and following the Boston Massacre trial with the watchful eye of one who knows he is destined for historical import.  Washington knew that the restless and agitated citizenry of Boston would continue their agitated response to the ongoing British presence in that city, even after the trial. Washington felt he needed to be there and to sample the political climate in Boston for himself.

Washington
accepted an invitation by a New England group called “The Sons of Liberty” and, taking along Reebock, decided to make a covert visit the city of Boston, Massachusetts in the fall of 1773. Washington also learned that the group had formally invited his friend Thomas Jefferson to come to Boston and visit with them as well.

The Sons of Liberty
were the “rabble rousers” of Boston, middle class businessmen and shopkeepers and merchants of some wealth and stature who were sick and tired of being fucked over by the British.  These men would prod and plot and ponder and pluck at the British at every available opportunity.

George Washington’s first
, secret meeting with the “Sons of Liberty” gave many of these men their first look at one of America’s most famous citizens.  For others in the group, Washington’s arrival was their chance to renew acquaintance with a man they had known for many years.

Washington appeared at the meeting in quasi-m
ilitary dress, wearing dark black pants with red piping along the sides, very much like Han Solo. He wore calf-high black leather riding boots, and a white, silk shirt, smartly topped off by a black leather riding jacket, with gold epaulettes upon each shoulder. 

Here, gathered at this one meeting in Boston, were some of the greatest patriots of the American colonies
: John Hancock, John Adams, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, Benjamin Rush, Charles Willson Peale.  All these and many others gathered to meet the visiting Washington and to hear how this well-known Virginian and patriot would respond to the plight of Bostonians.

Washington was expected to make a short speech to the assembled patriots, and he walked slowly and deliberately to the podium,
and the assemblage fell silent. Washington took from his leather coat a folded sheet of paper, and opened it slowly and deliberately. All in the room were silent.

Unfortunately for us all, the full content of Washington’s secret speech to the Sons of Liberty was never saved or recorded in full.  But in the diary of Jo
hn Adams, we find a small excerpt from the speech. Adams also records the reaction of the group upon hearing Washington speak.

John Adams (Diary/1773)
:

“
And so Washington, this tall, dignified Virginian stood, with military bearing, before we assembled Sons of Liberty. He began reading fr. his notes thus stating:  ‘It is with great pleaseure that I find myself amongst you all here tonight, to confer with you all as regards our ongoing political troubles.’ (I note here that Washington paused to look about the room and found all eyes upon him, transfixed). ‘The British, as we know,’ Washington continued, ‘are all ignorant cocksuckers.’

With that, a great cheer
went up, as if some great event were being witnessed or some great proclamation had been made. The crowd assembled rose to their feet as one, cheering and shouting and clamoring about Washington, patting him upon the back and embracing this son of Virginia like a brother.

When the crowd had settled, Washingn.
finished his brief comments, soundly chastising the British and emboldening the patriots assembled. He especially scorned the British use of zombie soldiery, although agreed with all assembled that this fact should be kept from the general public. “

After Washington’s speech, the talk of the meeting grew bolder and more rebellious and quickly turned to the idea of taking some form of physical action against British interests in the Colonies. The present patriots tossed about many ideas, most of which were less than inspiring.  Finally, the well-respected printer and silversmith, Paul Revere, stepped forward and made his bold and daring proposal.

“I have it!” Revere shouted.
“I have the perfect idea to protest against the British!” The room fell silent and all eagerly awaited his presentation.

“We all know where the British soldiers and officers and British sympathizers live.” Revere began. “We already know their addresses among us, as our very neighbors.”
The assembled patriots like John Adams, Samuel Adams and John Hancock all nodded in assent and agreement.

“I say,” Revere suggested, “that we sneak out upon the rooftops of their homes
some evening and, once there, take a shit down their chimneys!”  Revere laughed and roared in delight, but his booming guffaws were greeted with stone cold silence by those assembled.

“You see,” Revere further explained, still laughing and trying to salvage his idea, “w
hen we’re up there, we take a big dump in their chimneys, and the excreted dung will slide down the chimney, into the fires, and soon fill the dwelling with the unpleasant smell of burnt POO!” Revere laughed uproariously yet again.

Silence, still, among those listening.

“Well, um…” Revere stammered in the face of the silence. “At least we could think about it. That is, in the future. If we lack any other ideas.”

“Yes,
yes,” John Adams chimed in. “Yes, let’s think about that one a while.” More silence.

A
t some point during the meeting and further discussion of taxes upon tea, one of the patriots present, no one knows who, proposed the idea of having a ‘Boston Tea Party’ and dumping a large shipment of British Tea into the Boston Harbor.

This Tea Party idea was embra
ced by nearly all present, until Benjamin Rush pointed out just how pissed off the British would be over such an act. There was a murmur of agreement in the crowd over fear of reprisal. Then Samuel Adams spoke up, proposing that “the attack could be blamed upon wild Indians,” and he suggested that individuals taking part in the event “be so attired so as to appear to be savage, wild native Americans.” The suggestion was heartily embraced, and a course of action was chosen.

             
A few weeks later, in December of 1773, a ragtag band of “American Indians” travelled by carriage from near Quincy Hall in Boston to the inner harbor and boarded a British ship docked there. These “indian-clad” Sons of Liberty proceeded to dump the greater portion of the cargo of British tea into Boston harbor.

             
The scene aboard the ship was one of jovial chaos as the boxes of tea were smashed and then rudely dumped into the harbor. Soon the potent smell of tea filled the air as crate upon crate of British tea was tossed overboard with laughter and shouts of joy and whistles and cheers.

             
Once their task was finished, still whooping and calling out their mock indian war cries, these Boston Tea Party braves disappeared into the cold Boston night, some said by carriage, never to be seen again.

               George Washington was almost certainly among the wild “Indians” who boarded the ship and dumped the tea into Boston harbor. Upon his later return to Mount Vernon after his secret trip to Boston, Washington listed in his inventory of
newly purchased personal goods: “one pair moccasins, one brown calf skin jacket and matching trousers with fringe, one indian head band with feather, one jar war paint and one indian fertility bead necklace.”

             
Immediately after the tea-party, upon their return to the pre-appointed meeting tavern, the assembled Sons of Liberty were joyous and celebratory. They had lashed out at the unfair British taxational policy in the most direct and flagrant of ways. This was certain to provoke a response.

             
Samuel Adams rolled a keg of his home made ale into the meeting room. After tapping the keg and pouring himself a full tankard, and filling those of his comrades, Patrick Henry shouted: “Let us drink a toast my friends—Give me LIBERTY, or give me BEER!”

             
A huge shout of agreement rose up from the Sons of Liberty, and George Washington hoisted his tankard high to toast with the rest of those assembled. It was just then that a messenger slipped discreetly into the meeting room and approached Washington, whispering something in his ear. The room became quiet for a moment, noticing Washington’s irritation.

             
“My friends, please excuse me for a moment,” said George Washington before the group. He walked out of the room with the messenger and returned about thirty seconds later, holding the door of the meeting room open for a tall, thin black man that walked just behind him. The room was still silent as George Washington put his arm around the shoulder of the black man, and introduced him to those assembled.

             
“My friends,” George Washington said clearly and boldly, “This gentleman is the famous statesman, the noted writer and architect, from the great state of Virginia, Mister Thomas Jefferson.”

             
There was a long pause in absolute silence among the Sons of Liberty in shock after seeing the ethnicity of the newly arrived guest. Samuel Adams finally spoke up.

             
“Mister Jefferson,” Samuel Adams said after standing. “You are black, Sir!”

             
There was another long pause in which neither Washington nor Jefferson showed any reaction whatsoever. Then John Adams stood up and turned to Samuel Adams and the rest of the assembly.

             
“Well,” John Adams stated. “Nothing gets by YOU, Sammy!” With that, the entire crowd burst into laughter and then stepped forth to greet Thomas Jefferson.