Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (23 page)

The next time you're angry at work, practice the three stages of awareness by saying to yourself:

1. “I'm angry. What am I thinking?”
   
2. “I'm watching anger rise and fall.”
   
3. “I'm breathing in and out and anger is evaporating.”
   

When you're angry, keep quiet. Don't speak up right away. Take a deep breath and notice how many minutes it takes for you to calm down.

Anger awareness takes concentration at first, but it's truly worth the effort because the payoff is a more relaxed and powerful you; after a while awareness becomes part of your repertoire.

Angry people waste lots of time and energy on the job. They spout off about the unfairness of the boss, the system, the policies. They go on and on about how important they are or how others are messing up. They're caught up in thinking that if they had a different job, things would be better. Seldom do they see how they've contributed to their own self-defeating behaviors.

An assertive, successful person makes her own luck. When she's mad about something, she waits until she's decided what action to take. She thinks before she speaks. She does speak up, but she does it in such a way that she earns others' respect.

When you're aware of what you are angry about you can choose to be assertive instead of aggressive.

Anger on the job may be an indication that you've been neglecting yourself. Maybe you've been working so much overtime that you haven't had time to exercise, or perhaps you've been doing more than your share of the work. A client of mine who worked as a receptionist told me that she didn't take her morning break for three years because she worried about who would answer the phones while she was not at her desk. Then she started snapping at customers and got annoyed when her boss asked her a question. She figured out that she had worked for half an hour, five days a week, for three years, which added up to an additional $10,000 pay. No wonder she felt resentful.

If you've been paying attention to what others need while overlooking your own needs, mild anger is bound to surface, either through physical symptoms such as headaches or tight shoulders or through sarcastic comments. Eventually anger magnifies and infects your disposition. Maybe you've been neglecting to give yourself some much needed “do nothing” time.

We all have needs—physical and emotional—that need tending. If you're not taking care of yourself, you'll twist into a mean, unhappy grouch, and others will sense that in you. To avoid becoming known as the office sourpuss, do an inventory of yourself to make sure all your needs are met.

When we feel angry, our bodies are thrown into fight–flight mode. To relieve it we need to move, shake, or run. Paying attention to your bodily needs throughout the day prevents anxiety from building up. For example, if something angers you at work, going for a walk, pacing up and down the hallway, stretching at your desk will relieve the built-up tension in your body. Ask yourself these questions:

What does my body need?

Do I need to lie down or go for a walk?

Do I need to eat or drink something healthy?

Do I need to exercise on break?

Do I feel good in my clothes?

Are my shoes comfortable?

Do I need a massage during lunch hour?

Do I need to get my hair done? What about a manicure?

Work is not just about money, although being paid adequately is certainly important. In addition to good pay, we all need appreciation for our efforts, for showing up and contributing our best. Are you getting the appreciation and acknowledgment you want? Do you know that you are valued? Do you feel as if you're working with people you respect and trust? Are you spending enough time with friends and loved ones after work? What thoughts are you thinking at work? Are they uplifting or tearing you down?

The extra work Martha does at her entry-level position seldom is acknowledged, but she doesn't feel bitter because she's getting valuable experience and her foot in the door of her chosen field. She feels hurt sometimes and wishes for recognition, but she reminds herself of a personal goal—to complete the assignment for one year in order to gain the experience and contacts to move on. If the work that you're doing isn't appreciated, look for a way that you can adjust so that you don't feel taken advantage of.

When you find yourself thinking angry, vengeful thoughts, stop and ask yourself, “What have I been neglecting? What do I need?”

Climbing the ladder of success can sometimes lead to loss of our souls. That's very dangerous, because when we lose our souls, darkness fills us and we become enraged and full of spite.

We all have a need to find meaning through our work. We long for work that matches our talents, that we enjoy, that we can pour our hearts into and believe in. We want to express our creativity. When we neglect our creative, talented selves we become stressed out and temperamental. The workday turns dreary and the future looks bleak. We become angry and bitter. You can't put in forty hours or more each week for fifty weeks a year at a job that you don't like and expect to live a life of contentment. If you start working when you're twenty years old at a job that isn't personally meaningful, and if you stay with it until you retire at sixty-five years old, that's forty-five years of resentment. Resentment at feeling trapped in a job takes a big toll on your overall well-being. Some people turn to greed and addictions to hide the growing ache. Others snap at loved ones the minute they walk through the door at the end of the day.

Have you been ignoring your desire for personally meaningful work? If you have work that allows for the expression of your creative nature, you are very fortunate. If your work doesn't allow for creative expression, you have a big challenge: either to find work that does, or to respond to your work situation in a creative way. Ask yourself:

Are the activities I do at work satisfying?

Is my work environment soothing?

Are conflicts resolved with compassion?

Am I working in accordance with my values?

Your work environment is important for your soul. What is the spirit of your workplace? Are your professional and personal values congruent? What are the workplace ethics? Do they match with yours? Compromising values for sake of a buck is harmful to your spirit.

We all have a sense of what we need to feel happy in our work, but often we focus on things that don't really satisfy—money, power, prestige— and when we do that we feel out of sorts and lose touch with our souls. If you find yourself chronically angry and resentful on the job, that may be a symptom of a lack of joy and meaning in your work. It's worth
looking into.

It took Edward nine months of reflection to get up the nerve to resign from his high-tech management position. By asking himself the question, “What brings me joy in my work?” Edward discovered that money and stock options weren't enough. The most rewarding work for him was coaching basketball, which he was doing for free at the Boys Club. He went back to school and got a teaching certificate, and although he makes less money as a high school coach, he isn't mad any more. He finds joy and satisfaction in what he's doing.

If the mere thought of going to your job makes you uptight, anxious, cranky, or mad, then it's probably an indication that what you're doing at work doesn't match with your natural talents. If work doesn't add to your overall satisfaction with your life, then it's important to figure out what you'd rather be doing. Creating work that you enjoy washes away the resentments that build when you're dreading Monday morning and counting the hours until Friday. When you scan your workday, how much of what you do brings you joy and satisfaction? What would meaningful work be for you?

You, dear friend, have the talent to make your work meaningful.

A gentle manner balances the force of anger in a powerful, effective way. When we think about anger, we usually think of harshness and violence. We don't have many role models that incorporate gentleness into the picture. A woman who can express her anger in a gentle way provides powerful leadership. She's usually a respected role model and a mentor. Colleagues trust her because they know she won't fly into a rage. Instead of blaming, she leads. She'll take responsibility; she doesn't take her anger out on others. She's direct and kindhearted. She's a motivating presence.

A man who uses anger to browbeat and conquer his coworkers is a scowling creature, but when he incorporates kindness and understanding he's respected as a wise and honorable leader whom others look up to and emulate. When you combine gentleness with whatever statements, demands, rules, or boundaries you set, associates and clients will respect you and cooperate.

To incorporate gentleness into your repertoire, it's imperative that you allow yourself to cool down when you feel angry. Before you blurt out demands or accusations, say something like, “Let's take a time out. I'm getting frustrated and I need to cool down.” When we're angry we don't feel very gentle, and as a result we often lash out with a harshness or cruelty that hurts others and embarrasses us later.

When a colleague has a habit of coming to meetings late, you've been understanding, but after about the fifth time you're mad and want to talk with her about it. Remember: You can do it harshly or you can do it gently. You can be firm yet kind, powerful yet benevolent.

There's less tension in the air when you're gentle; confrontations are less dramatic and they don't last as long. When you balance anger with gentleness there's less strain and stress on your work relationship; you're more likely to stay connected than be torn apart.

When you're angry, waiting to calm down until you can be gentle is often the kindest action to take.

Some folks seem to think that anger, like a volcanic eruption, is beyond our control. At the first twinge of upset, they explode as if there were no other course. While they may momentarily feel vindicated, the end result is alienation from the people on the receiving end of the fallout. Anger always involves a choice between reacting and responding. You can choose whether or not to show your anger, how you want to express it, and who will be its focal point.