Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (26 page)

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Authors: Judy Ford

BOOK: Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships

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Buddhists engage in a spiritual practice called “mindfulness.” It's a quality of being attentive to what is happening inside of you—in your thoughts and your feelings, in your body and mind. Mindfulness frees us from the conditioned responses that restrict our ability to see the world objectively. Paying attention to your conditioned reactions when you're behind the wheel is helpful in conquering road rage.

Before getting behind the wheel, take a moment to remind yourself that you can feel good when you're driving. You can't control the pace of the traffic, congestion, other drivers, or road conditions, but you can control your own attitude. You can stay peaceful and centered, confident in your ability to get where you're going. When stuck in a traffic jam, you can freak out and work yourself up to a frenzy, or you can shift to an “easy does it” rhythm. When you're cut off, you can become agitated, or you can say to yourself, “Oh well,” and practice nonaggression. Content behind the wheel, you'll get to where you're going with a pleasant disposition. Victor Frankel, author of Man's Search for Meaning, was in several Nazi death camps and survived. He later wrote, “The last human freedom is the ability to choose one's attitude. We have some of the divine in us. We can turn misery into
joy, hate into love, anger into forgiveness.”

You can enjoy a trip in your car or the drive to work by focusing on your surroundings—the houses, the trees, the colors. Instead of being passive and in a daze, you'll be awake and attentive.

Identify Your Hot Buttons

Hot buttons are those pesky little triggers that drive you over the edge. Lois had a pattern of quitting one job after another, because something always made her mad. Before she identified her hot buttons, she thought getting mad went with being in the workforce. Lois tried to avoid conflict, she tried to get along, but sooner or later a coworker would say something that she didn't like, and she'd hand in her resignation. Then Lois got the design job of her dreams, with good pay and creative responsibilities. She adored the work; it made her heart sing. Everything was going smoothly until a new employee was hired. Right off the bat, Lois couldn't stand her, and in her own mind she started to build a case against the coworker. Now Lois was stuck. She didn't want to quit, but she couldn't do her job feeling mad every moment. Lois wished the other person would go away, but since that wasn't likely, she decided to figure out if there was a lesson she needed to learn.

With the assistance of a career coach, Lois uncovered what triggered her anger. Whenever her coworker was acknowledged for doing a good job, Lois felt jealous. Her boss appreciated Lois' work and showed it often, but still Lois felt competitive. To get over getting mad at work, Lois had to stop comparing herself to others. Comparing yourself is always painful; it breeds anger and resentment. With the new realization, Lois made a shift; she stopped competing and put her energy into doing a fabulous job.

Meg landed her first big catering account and stumbled onto one of her hot buttons. She'd hired several friends to serve at an afternoon garden party and told them to wear black. When one of them showed up in black shorts, Meg was fuming. Having a professional image is important to her, and since not everyone agrees on what that might be, Meg designed a company uniform—-blue dress, white apron. Now she has one less thing to get crazed about.

Identifying your hot buttons is good preventative anger management. When you know your hot buttons, you can take measures to unplug them before seeing red.

Give Yourself Breathing Space

If you've ever been called on the carpet by a boss whom you thought was a jerk, if you've ever worked with a team of folks with whom you weren't compatible, if you've handled complaints from distraught customers, then you know what a challenge it can be to tackle issues without getting defensive and tongue-tied.

Joan was called into her bosses' office for an unexpected conference. The boss explained that two team members had complained that Joan was sloughing off. The boss had noticed that Joan had lost her enthusiasm for the project and was wondering what the issues were. Joan turned red in the face and became defensive. She was mad! Instead of saying, “I'd like to think over your concerns and get back to you,” which would have given her some breathing space and thinking time, she blurted out double talk, excuses, and accusations. “That's not true,” and “We have too much work to do,” and “They don't like me” only made matters worse.

There are countless work situations where you'll need to give yourself some breathing space. A boss who makes unreasonable demands, a client's dissatisfaction, a colleague who doesn't see it your way. That's when you need breathing space to clarify your strategy. Breathing deeply works in all kinds of tense situations. If you get in the practice of breathing deeply, you can use the technique to avoid saying nasty things. When you're mad or defensive, take five deep breaths—exhale, inhale—and see where your anger goes. Breathing helps you relax, and you can do it at your desk.

With some breathing space, you can begin to clarify what is troubling you. With breathing space, you can identify your concerns, upsets, disagreements, or annoyances and choose an effective strategy for tackling the situation.

When something is troubling you, take breathing space at your desk and answer these questions:

What is my upset, concern, or disagreement? (Be specific.)

Who is the person or persons I must talk with to resolve this issue?

What am I asking the person to do so that this issue can be resolved? (Be specific.)

What am I willing to do to solve this matter? (Be specific.)

To right a wrong, you don't have to get angry. How many times did your lashing out only make things worse? Acting in anger is often worse than not acting at all. Regardless of how many mistakes you may have made, respect yourself for doing the best you can. Recognize that although things were not always easy for you, you've still done a lot of good things.

When you're upset with a colleague, give yourself breathing space by saying, “I'd like to think that over and get back to you.” Breathe, develop a strategy, and then go back to your colleague and clear it up.

Spread Heavenly Gossip

Everyone gossips, but not everyone is conscientious about it. There are two kinds of gossip—hurtful and heavenly—and if you've lived past the age of seven, you've probably participated in both kinds.

There's hurtful gossip that originates in jealousy. Perhaps you've told or listened to a disparaging story about someone else that was really none of your business. You came away with a gnawing sense of superiority and smugness. We've all passed on a piece of gossip that was hurtful because we distorted the facts to make ourselves look innocent. We've all said something we were sorry for the minute it came out of our mouth. Destructive gossip gets stale, gives you a headache, a stomachache, and pulls your energy down. On many contemporary talk shows, guests are encouraged to bare their souls, yet the audience turns on them and uses the information shared to put the person down. It's the modern version of throwing the Christians to the lions.

Heavenly gossip is much more joyful than destructive gossip. Heavenly gossip, like fine poetry or a vibrant symphony, nourishes your soul.

What is heavenly gossip? It is a story that tugs at your heart, gives you goosebumps, puts a lump in your throat, or makes you laugh till you fall down. Heavenly gossip has a shocking quality about it; it wakes you up, it comes from truth. The person sharing it is vulnerable, revealing him- or herself openly, honestly, purely. It comes simply. It's clean, with nothing to hide.

To understand heavenly gossip, you need to have sensitive ears and a very sympathetic heart. When you listen to the stories, your inner light shines, the darkness disappears, and you're alive and dancing. Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu told their stories in a very poetic way, filled with metaphors. Their stories were beyond fact and fiction, yet centuries later they still penetrate our hearts, and we know we've heard the Truth.

Heavenly gossip is a way of saying things that cannot be said. It is not meant strictly for your entertainment; heavenly gossip transforms. Heavenly gossip has a message in it, and you'll have to listen closely to find it.

Your own approach to gossip is important. Judging a story or a person is not important. If a story lifts you up, soak it in and share it with
another; if you learn something about the dark side of yourself, rejoice. If a story pulls you down, leave it. If don't want to hang out in sleaze, if you're not interested in slander, defamation of character, or rumor, give up tabloids and contrived talk shows. Don't watch violence. Develop the knack of spreading heavenly gossip.

Heavenly gossip, like great poetry, should lift you up. It's the only kind of gossip to spread.

RESOURCE GUIDE

For a listing of anger management classes in your community, call a local hospital or mental health clinic.

Associations and Organizations

Abused Men Association

www.abusedmen.org

The American Coalition for Fathers and Children

www.acfc.org

Center for Media Literacy

1962 South Shenandoah

Los Angeles, CA 90034

899-226-9494