Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (22 page)

Children need time to cool down. Talking in the heat of the moment only makes things hotter. Let your children know that it's OK to get mad and that after they've cooled down, you will talk about the matter with them. “I know you're mad that I grounded for the weekend. After you cool down, let's talk about it. Let's figure out how to avoid this next weekend.”

Toddlers, preteens, teens, and parents can all benefit from time outs. A time out can be taken in a swing, on the floor next to a window, in a bedroom, or in a cozy corner. The purpose of a time out is not to punish the child for being angry. Its purpose is to teach the value of taking a break when you're mad. After a comforting time out, we all think more rationally and behave better.

Children need time for the fog to clear, time to rest and regroup. Young children frequently calm down when held on Mommy's lap. If you have exhausted all other warnings, you may need to hold young children who are oppositional and are refusing to take a time out until they can maintain a couple of minutes of quiet, calm sitting.

Preteens take longer to calm down. That's because they're fantasizing about how mean you are and how they're going to run away from home. Teens may laugh and sneer if you tell them to take a time out; if that happens you may have to restrict privileges to get their attention.

Just as your child needs a time out for cooling down, they also need a “time in” to talk about what happened. You'll want to hear their side of the story and what they learned; they need to hear your side and what you expect next time. A time out teaches a child the benefits of cooling off, impulse control, and how to delay gratification. When you send her off for a time out, tell her that you will have a time in with her when she's feeling relaxed and behaving, so that you can talk with her about what just happened.

Follow a cooling-off time out with a time in to listen to your child's side of the story, to talk about what happened, and to teach skills for handling the situation in the future.

Parental anger hurts children. I worked for five years in a hospital emergency room in the Seattle area, and I have seen the results of parental anger. I've seen children with broken bones, black eyes, and welts—the results of punishment handed out by a raging parent. I've seen toddlers with hands burned by parents who said they were teaching the child the dangers of a touching a hot stove. I've seen infants with shaken baby syndrome, innocent victims who couldn't hold their heads up and were vomiting because they'd been shaken until their brains were damaged to the point of convulsions. I've seen the remorse and anguish of parents as they waited to find out if their child would live.

I tell you this because I don't ever want you to be waiting in a hospital emergency room while the child you injured is struggling for his life. I hope that you will recognize your frustration long before it ever gets to that point. Your children will get angry and so will you, but it's your responsibility to sense when you're on the verge of getting out of control.

When a parent refuses to take responsibility for her own anger, the relationship with her child is damaged. If you have an anger management problem, welcome feedback from others and go for counseling.

Every parent needs to sign this pledge:

“On my honor I pledge to do no harm to my children. I will not belittle my children or call them names. I will not shame them or abandon them. I will not physically abuse them. I will respect them as individuals. No matter what happens between me and my child's other parent, I will treat the other parent with respect and courtesy for the sake of my child. My child is a precious gift and I will always treat them as if God is watching. My children deserve to be treated with dignity. I will enjoy and see the world through their eyes. I will let them teach me.”

An immature parent knows she has an anger problem, but she doesn't do anything about it. A mature parent leaves no stone unturned in seeking help to overcome her angry, mean, cruel tendencies.

Peter and Clara, along with their eight-year-old son, Sam, and ten-yearold daughter, Katrina, sat in my office discussing the anguish the kids were experiencing over moving to another state. “You'll make lots of new friends, and the new house has a swimming pool,” Clara said, trying to convince Sam and Katrina that the move would be fun. “We'll come back to visit Grandma and Grandpa in the summer and you can see your friends too,” she added. Trying to cheer them up, Peter promised that they could talk on the phone and e-mail their friends. Then for the second time that hour, he launched into his story about his father being in the military and moving ten times as a kid. The kids weren't convinced. Sam slouched in the chair and jiggled his legs. Katrina stared out the window and twisted her hair. “This isn't easy for any of you,” I said. Katrina burst into tears and Sam slouched further down into the chair. “What are you thinking?” I asked Sam. “Why can't we be mad?” he asked. Katrina wiped her tears and piped up, “Yeah! We're mad because we don't want to move. We know it will work out, but we want to be mad for awhile.”

Kids are so smart. We've all felt that way—we know it will work out, but we want to be mad for a while. When things don't go according to our plans or don't work out exactly right, we feel frustrated. We know that eventually everything will be OK, but even though we know it, we're mad at first. Being mad is part of the adjustment. And as long as we're not hurting anyone, what harm can it do? In fact, allowing yourself to feel mad in the beginning, right when you first feel it, usually helps you feel better in the long run.

“That's a good suggestion,” I said, and then I asked Peter and Clara if they could let Sam and Katrina be mad for awhile. I asked if maybe even Peter and Clara were mad. Then the funniest thing happened. Clara said that she was mad too, and she began listing the things about the move that made her mad. Sam cheered up immediately and joined in the game of listing the things that made him mad. Soon Katrina was adding to the list. As the three of them listed all the things that they were mad about, I noticed they were becoming quite lively and jolly. Sam was bouncing up and down and Katrina had moved closer to her mother. They were interrupting each other and laughing. “The cat's mad too because she doesn't know if there are birds in Arizona,” Sam chuckled. I asked Peter if there was anything about the move that made him mad and he said he was mad
because everyone else was mad. “So,” he said, “I guess we're one big, happy, mad family.” And they left the office smiling.

Funny, isn't it? Getting anger out in a non-hurtful way can often be an uplifting, energizing exercise. Feeling mad for a while and listing all the things that make you mad is often the beginning of making life OK.

Allowing yourself and your children to feel mad when things go wrong is part of an adjustment that helps you all feel better in the long run.

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.

—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

When you master your anger, life on the job goes more smoothly. You may have a boss who browbeats and bullies you, you may have a colleague who is prone to snide remarks and complaining, but you can deal effectively with both of them. By fine-tuning your anger, you empower yourself. Whether it's the sneaky, “This won't work” anger of a negative team member, the agreeable yet nonproductive passive anger of an employee, or the belligerent complaining of a client, when you understand yourself, you can more easily manage the difficult people you encounter.

Managing does not mean getting along with them. You don't have to like them, you don't have to change them, you don't have to invite them to lunch. All you have to do is get the job done.

Dealing with an angry, boorish person is in some ways like dealing with the schoolyard bully. You want to get away from her as quickly as possible, but if you're sharing an office cubicle that's often not possible. What might be possible is to put distance between you and the other person. You can do that by identifying what behavior is driving you over the edge and then developing a strategy for coping with that behavior. For example, an angry coworker might complain about even a minor mistake.
Instead of getting defensive, which makes things worse, you might say, “I see what you mean,” and leave it at that.

You can't change other people, but you can develop a procedure for dealing with troublesome behaviors. Focus on getting the job done. Focus on the task instead of the individual personality quirks, and you'll be less flustered and more detached.

Managing angry people requires that you act with intention and purpose. Instead of reacting in exasperation, you respond with deliberation and forethought. Instead of giving the angry person the power to make eight hours of your life miserable, you take back your power.

Difficult and angry people are everywhere. Even in the most compatible environment, there's usually someone who makes you angry. Their behavior is disruptive, frustrating, and counterproductive, but they don't see it. They unknowingly interfere with the business at hand. That's what makes working with them so unpleasant.

Self-assertion on the job is the ability to consciously choose between speaking up for yourself and being aggressive. Aggression is the compulsive, unconscious act of lashing out in order to hurt a coworker, to put her in her place, to squash her and put her down while making yourself feel better. Self-assertion, on the other hand, is taking action on your own behalf. It's being true to yourself with no intention to hurt others. Selfassertion focuses on making your own success. It's working hard, staying focused on the task, and getting the job done. It's being energetic, optimistic, and self-aware.

Most people become aware after they've “blown it.” For example, you get angry at a coworker and talk behind his back. A customer gets angry, calls you nasty names, you snap back. After you've cooled down, you see how the situation quickly escalated. You understand what you could have done differently, but by then the damage has already been done. You can't take back your words or apologize enough.

To avoid the damaging consequences that anger on the job can bring, you need to develop awareness while the event, thoughts, and feelings are occurring. Anger can envelope you like thick smoke, and becoming aware of it while you're in the middle of the haze may be difficult at first, but it's definitely not impossible. With a little awareness you can catch hold of your anger before it encompasses you. You can become assertive instead of aggressive.

The first stage of awareness is noticing that you're angry and asking yourself, “What am I thinking at this moment?” The second stage is watching anger rise and fall as you notice what you're feeling, and the third stage is watching anger evaporate as you focus on your breathing. With awareness, you can watch anger swell, melt away, and vanish.