Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (25 page)

Standing up for yourself by speaking out is more productive and invigorating than being manipulative.

People who turn anger into determination develop self-assurance. They become a powerful presence with poise and aplomb.

After an acrid divorce, Victoria was sick and tired of being the victim of her ex's authoritarian know-it-all attitude. Not wanting to turn into a bitter women, she knew she'd need to turn her “get even” energy toward building a good life for herself instead of griping about what a raw deal she'd gotten in the divorce.

Returning to work after fifteen years and without a formal education, she knew she couldn't start at management level. Yet the thought of having a subordinate position left her feeling cranky. Considering her temperament, she said, “I need a job with some power.” Then she brainstormed with friends and advisors: “What kind of a job can I find where my cranky stubborn disposition might be beneficial?”

After a lengthy process of trial and error, career counseling, and twenty-plus interviews, Victoria landed a job as a collection agent. She turned her crankiness into firmness, and although she was never nasty to the public, she was steadfast. She rose to management level quickly. Instead of being bitter and trying to get even with her ex-husband, she turned her anger into a successful career. She decided, as you probably have, too, that living a good life is the best revenge.

Many people have used their angry energy to accomplish great things. The founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving turned her grief and anger into an organization to educate the public about drinking and driving. We all have plenty of things to rile us up. Let's make a pact with one another to use our anger and energy to get things done.

Great things can happen when you channel your anger into creating positive change.

It's often confusing to determine who is responsible for what. In the workplace, that often leads to conflict. Letting the other person know that you want to continue to improve your working relationship is the beginning of conflict resolution. Saying, “Let's deal together with our conflict” sets the tone for a positive outcome. Choose a conducive time, a nonthreatening corner of the office, and close the door. Begin by saying, “By working this through now, we can improve the way we handle problems that might arise in the future.” Then add, “You and I are partners in this conflict, and I'm looking forward to working it out.”

Clarifying both parties' perceptions of the conflict is a big part of the process. Ask yourself, “What is the conflict about for me? Is this conflict about one issue or does it reveal deeper problems in the office?” Ask your partner, “What is the conflict or problem as you see it?” Listen to what they're saying, and if you don't understand ask them to clarify again by saying, “Do you mean . . . ?” Make sure you understand what's troubling your colleague before you move on. Help your colleague to clarify his thoughts, don't force him to defend them.

The time you put into clarifying the issues up front will save you trouble on the other end. Conflicts have a past, a present, and a future. To clear it up you have to tackle all three. By clarifying what happened in the past, you can understand the present conflict and make adjustments to prevent it in the future. Clarifying is an ongoing process. No need to rush or be defensive.

Clarifying the conflict is the first step in finding a solution.

If you're shocked by the injustice around you or by the wrongs inflicted upon you, instead of being outraged, be outrageous. Look around and you'll notice how foolish others are when they're trying to seek revenge. Ranting, raving, settling scores, power plays, and scheming are common these days, but they are weak and mediocre reactions.

Dare to make a quantum leap. Become a leader, a positive role model, an exceptional person. Anger, as a refined emotion, can mend a broken heart, heal a family, unite a community, and excite a nation. Anger can motivate you to make big strides toward innovation.

Remember, freedom is the ability to respond to every situation in a new way. If you don't like your job but can't quit, if you like the pay but don't like the hours, if you have an idea for a way to simplify procedures, then do something about it. Instead of moaning and groaning about what seems impossible, shift your focus and make it possible.

Many years ago I was burned out from my full-time job as a social worker on the night shift in a hospital emergency room. I needed the job, but I could no longer manage all the hours, and my attitude was turning cranky. I mentioned my desire for fewer hours to a colleague and discovered she too wanted fewer hours. Our supervisor said it was impossible to cut our hours. We were discouraged but stubborn. We persevered and did our homework. One month later, with carefully researched documentation in hand, we made an oral and written presentation outlining the benefits to the hospital of job sharing. Three months later we were the first employees at Steven's Hospital to share a job. Not only did our proposal work for us personally, but as a result the board of directors extended hospital benefits to all employees working twenty hours per week.

We all have the power to turn frustration into innovation. A client of mine proposed telecommuting to her company. She now works from her home two days each week. Another company, at the suggestion of an employee, implemented movie Fridays. A public relations company, as a result of an employee's suggestion, conducts their employment interviews at the coffee shop in the building.

Be the best at what you are doing. Find one thing that you like about your work and focus on that. Get involved in changing policies; find ways to make your work life flexible and fun. If someone hurts you, don't waste
your strengths fighting with them. If you want to fight—find a cause and fight for that. Assemble your talents and do something about the larger injustices. Trust your strengths and use them to become a leader, a champion for others to follow. Experiment with going into difficult conflict-like situations, and see what you can accomplish. Instead of avoiding conflict by retreating to where things are agreed upon in advance, go out where it's really difficult and practice healing negotiation.

Respond to injustice by using your outrage as a force for change.

It's in the trenches of bumbling along that you learn about yourself and about how you handle conflict. It's not from theories; it's in limping along through workday strife that you learn about the nuances of anger and how to face the opposition. You blow up even though you promised yourself that you wouldn't. Instead of stating your case clearly, you cry and are convinced you've made a fool of yourself. You want to understand the reasons that your two colleagues are ignoring you, but you feel rejected. Learning to deal with anger isn't easy.

A team member on the fund raising-committee told Ellen that the way she was organizing the campaign was not efficient. Ellen was shocked by the comment, but instead of asking for clarification, she ran out of the room in tears. “I couldn't think straight,” she said later. “I've been doing extra work, but maybe I just don't understand what they want. I wish I could speak up without crying,” Ellen said. “I don't want to be on the committee anymore.” Ellen doesn't want to cause waves or make trouble, so instead of staying with her discomfort and asking for clarification, she withdraws. She wants to assert her viewpoint, but she puts on a hurt demeanor and convinces herself, that “it doesn't matter.” But she pays a high price. She ends up feeling misunderstood and isolated. She gives up.

It's fun to be part of a group of people pulling together for the same goal. When the progress goes smoothly we enjoy it, but as soon as there is a little glitch we wonder if it's worth the hassle. But if you drop out every time the going gets rough, you never attain the victory that comes with accomplishment.

There's victory in conquering your reticence about conflict. There's triumph in hanging in there and sorting it out. You have a valuable contribution to make, and even if others don't always agree, you can listen to what they have to say and see if you can benefit from it. Then you can state your point of view, because after all you might present things from an angle that was never considered till you spoke up.

Working your way through your discomfort with conflict can reap huge benefits in your confidence and in the contributions you can make.

I've changed quite a few of the patterns in my life. I don't let people take advantage of my good nature to the point that I feel walked upon, I speak up about issues that are important to me, and I let small stuff slide. One absolute rule I've adopted is, Be watchful behind the wheel.

You've noticed how egotistical people behave when they're behind the wheel: tailgating, cutting people off, racing, demanding their spot on the road, honking, cussing and cursing as if they're the only ones who know how driving should be done. Road ragers take their aggressions out on innocent drivers; they use their cars as weapons.

My client Mark had an attack of road rage and purposely rammed his car into a van that had cut him off for a parking space. For a brief moment, Mark felt vindicated, but when he saw that the driver was a young mother with a baby in the back seat, he felt like a complete nincompoop. Most of the time Mark's a mellow guy, but behind the wheel the Rambo side of his personality emerges. To change his automatic rageful reactions, he had to practice conscious defensive driving. Not only did he have to abide by the rules of the road, he had to pay attention to his mood and remain unflappable— he had to wake up and not be overtaken by his vengeful urges.