God's Gift (15 page)

“Homemade candy. Fudge, chocolate-covered cherries, caramels.”

“You’ve been hiding this talent all these months?”

Rae laughed. “Dave made them, James. Lace just sat on the stool and kept him company.”

“I’m impressed,” James told Dave.

“You should be. Caramels take forever to make.”

They already knew everyone in his family, but Dave and Lace had not seen the house before, so James gave them a guided tour, not letting Rae get far from his side. She didn’t seem to be in any hurry to move away either. His arm around her shoulders, he hugged her gently. He was very glad to have her here.

The kitchen timer went off, and Emily announced her rolls were done. It was time to eat.

Dave and Lace were flirting with each other. James watched the two of them as they moved around the buffet table filling their plates. Dave would lean over occasionally and make a soft comment; Lace would blush and whisper something back that would make Dave chuckle.

Rae nudged his arm. “They went to some comedy club downtown last night. I think Lace had a good time,” she whispered.

“I think you’re right.”

James held out the chair beside him at the table for Rae.

“Thanks.”

“My pleasure.”

Rae leaned against him as she asked if he would pass the butter.

James reached around her to pass the basket of rolls to Dave, let his arm linger around her shoulders.

“Would you two quit flirting and eat?” Patricia finally asked, laughing.

James and Rae looked over, caught, only to find that Patricia was looking at Dave and Lace.

“It goes for you, too, James,” his mom said, seeing his look of relief.

“Me? I’m the innocent party in all this,” James protested. Rae reached over and ruffled his hair.

He caught her hand, leaned over. He kissed her to the delight of those at the table. “If I’m going to get caught, it should be worth it,” he told Rae softly, watching her blush.

She leaned forward until they were touching noses. “You just used up your one kiss for this date,” she reminded him.

James blinked. She was right.

She laughed at his expression.

James took Rae home shortly after 9:00 p.m.

His mom had sent a sack of leftovers home with her—soup, sandwiches, noodles, pie. James reached for the sack on the back seat only to have Rae stop him. “Let me carry it.”

“Rae…”

“I know it’s a good day, I know it’s not heavy. Humor me.”

James was in too good a mood to argue the point. They walked up the drive together.

“What would you like to do tomorrow?”

“Sleep in till eight, have a leisurely breakfast, shop, go see a movie.”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll pick you up at eight-thirty?”

“That was only a suggestion, James. Are you sure you want to go shopping? It will be crazy tomorrow with the Thanksgiving Day sales and the start of the Christmas shopping.”

“Shopping will be fun,” he replied. “We’ve never done it together before.”

Rae grinned. “There is a reason for that, you know.”

James grinned back. “I’ll take my chances. Eight-thirty?”

“Fine.”

James leaned forward. “Can we make it a two kiss date?”

Rae moved the sack to her far arm. “I think that can be arranged,” she replied with a smile. He leaned down to kiss her and Rae closed her eyes.

A groan of pain broke apart the kiss.

She had stepped forward. His left ankle refused to take his shifted weight. His reflex to keep from falling put his hand heavily on her shoulder.

“What…?”

“I’m okay.” He gingerly tried to put weight on the ankle. The tendons and joint flared with pain.

“I did it again.” Rae was angry with herself, her arm going around his waist, the sack she still held tipping precariously. “James, I am so
sorry.
”

“It’s not your fault.” He took several deep breaths, fighting back the pain. “It’s why I carry the cane.” The cane was, of course, still propped in the back seat of the car.

“I’ll get it.”

He stopped her movement. “No. Walk me back to the car. I’ve been on my feet too long today.”

It was a painfully ugly way to end the evening.

Rae walked with him back to the car, James clenching his teeth at the pain in his left ankle. If it had been his right, Rae would have been driving him home. “We’ll have to play tomorrow by ear,” he said, admitting the obvious.

“No problem, it’s not important. Call me when you get up.”

It
was
important and it
was
a big deal. But he didn’t have a lot of options.

“I’ll call you,” he agreed, resigned. The pain had managed to ruin a good evening.

The phone rang at eight-thirty the next morning.

“Did I wake you up?”

Rae smiled. “No. Though I am still in bed. I’m editing the last couple chapters I wrote for my book. How are you, James?”

“We can scratch off today. I’m sorry, Rae. I was looking forward to it.”

“The pain is bad?”

Rae heard the broken sigh. “It’s bad.”

She felt terrible for him. “Is there anything I can do?”

“I wish there was. I really wish there was.”

The situation was wearing him down and it showed in his voice. “I don’t mind a lazy day watching movies. What interests you? I’ll bring a few over,” she offered, trying to lift his spirits.

“Rae, you don’t need to do that. Go shopping. Enjoy the rare day off.”

“I would rather spend it with you.”

“I’ll be selfish and say I would like that, too. But I’m lousy company at the moment, Rae.”

“You’ve got cause.” Rae worried her bottom lip, trying to decide what would be best. “Why don’t I come over about two o’clock with a puppy and a movie.”

“A puppy?” Rae could hear his smile.

“One of Margo’s litter. You said yourself puppies were good medicine.”

“You will be chasing it all over the house.”

“Probably. Say yes.”

James chuckled. “Sure, why not? I’ll leave the door unlocked. Let yourself in.”

The puppy that had been named Justin adored riding in the car. He sat on the passenger seat with his nose stuck out the slightly opened window, loving the motion.

Rae had done her shopping, two hours in the crowds convincing her there were better places to be on the day after Thanksgiving. She had chosen three movies at the video store, then stopped by the kennel to pick up Justin.

Last night had been yet another realization of what kind of obstacles they continued to face. James wanted to view his health as his problem, but he was wrong. It was their problem. She loved him. They were headed for a future together. The reality of the pain he faced every day was part of that future. She had seen it go into remission twice. Eventually, this episode had to go into remission as well. He was getting better, even he would admit that, even if it was occurring at a snail’s pace.

She hated to see him in pain. Hated to know something she had done had contributed to that pain. The day she had realized hugging him hurt him…She still winced when she
thought of that day. She had inadvertently done something similar again last night. He was a rugged, masculine, strong guy. Looking at him, it was hard to fathom that at times the simple actions of carrying something, shaking hands, walking, were physically painful for him to do.

God, why? I’m in love with him. I hate to see him in pain. I hate the fact there is so little I can do to help.

Thankfully, she had a leash and collar for Justin or the puppy would have wiggled himself out of her arms as she walked up the driveway to James’s home. She loved this house. She loved the structural changes he had made. She would love to live in this house. She pushed open the front door, calling James’s name.

“Back here, Rae.”

She found him in his office working on a sketch at the drafting table. He got up from the stool, moving very stiffly.

Rae didn’t comment on his pain. She squeezed his hand gently and looked at the drawing. “This is for the Grants?” They were adding another bedroom and a family room onto their ranch-style home.

“Yes.” James reached over to pet a squirming Justin. “You can let him down in the house.”

Rae slipped the puppy off the leash. He started exploring the room. “The sketch is very good.”

“I had a few minutes to kill,” James replied.

Rae could tell he wasn’t satisfied with the drawing yet. “I brought three movies for you to choose from.”

James motioned toward the living room, walked with her, leaning heavily on the cane to favor his left ankle. “Good choices?”

Rae smiled and told him the names of the films.

“You honestly expect me to choose?”

“Prioritize,” Rae conceded. “I really want to see them all.”

James laughed. “I can do seven hours of movies if you can.”

“Watch me.”

They ended up on the couch, Justin alternating between sitting in one or the other’s lap and playing on the floor with James’s rolled-up socks.

They started with John Wayne. They laughed together through most of the movie as any loud sound effect in the movie made Justin scamper for cover. He preferred burying his head under James’s arm. They took a couple intermissions in the movie, Rae knowing James needed to move around frequently to keep his joints from stiffening too much.

“James, where do you keep the plastic wrap?” Rae opened yet another kitchen cabinet drawer. James had agreed to let her fix dinner as long as she simply reheated leftovers from the Thanksgiving Day meal.

“Try the second drawer to the right of the dishwasher.”

“Thanks.”

She came back with thick turkey sandwiches, scalloped potatoes, and two large slices of pumpkin pie.

James took the plate she offered. “I could get used to this.”

Rae grinned. “Of course. Everyone likes to be waited on.”

“I was referring to the food, but the service is not bad either.”

Rae considered batting him with a pillow, but refrained due to the fact it might actually hurt him. “Just be glad I’m here. Without me—no movies, no puppy, no pie.”

James leaned over and kissed her. “Forgiven?”

“For a kiss, I would forgive almost anything,” Rae replied, grinning, at the same time, serious. She meant it.

James pointed to her plate. “Eat. I can’t afford to kiss you again.”

James selected the action-adventure film as the next movie. Rae was glad. She didn’t need to be watching a romance at the moment.

They both laughed at the same places in the movie. Rae had seen it numerous times and still liked the way it had been plotted. It was a long movie. The ending felt good. The good guys had won.

“Are you sure you want to see all three in one day?” James asked.

It was dark outside, the credits for the movie were rolling by. Rae was tired, the puppy was asleep in her lap. But it wasn’t that late…. “I’m game. It’s one of my favorite movies.”

James changed the movies.

“Come here, stretch out and get comfortable,” he encouraged when he was seated again. Rae didn’t need to hear the suggestion twice. She carefully settled the puppy, and stretched out on the couch, using James’s lap as a pillow.

It felt good having his hand resting against her waist, occasionally brushing through her hair. It felt good to be close to him.

“Whoever thought of this script came up with a wonderful storyline,” Rae said.

“Your book will make a good movie someday.”

Rae looked up, surprised. “You think so? At the rate I’m going, it will never get finished, let alone find a publisher and interest a movie studio.”

“You should have reserved a few hours today to work on the book.”

Rae shook her head. “No. The book and the business can
fight for the same time. I’m not letting the book compete with time I can spend with you.”

“Rae…”

She cut him off. “I want to watch the movie.”

She felt him sigh, but he dropped the subject. She knew it bothered him, the fact she was getting only fragments of time to work on her book. But she didn’t view taking time away from their relationship to be worth the price. The book had been part of her life for three years; if it took another two years, that was the unfortunate reality. She loved days spent with James too much to want to create a tug-of-war between spending time with him and working on the book. James came first. It was that simple.

It was late when Rae reluctantly moved to go home. The puppy was coming home with her for the night.

James made sure she had her jacket on.

James rubbed the sleepy puppy under the chin. “He’s going to wake you up very early in the morning.”

Rae smiled. “That would be okay.”

She wanted to hug him good-night, but her hands were full holding the puppy and carrying the videotapes. He had been unusually quiet for the last hour; she wished she knew what he was thinking about. It was something serious, that was obvious.

He leaned down and kissed her very gently. “Drive careful, Rae.”

“Good night, James.”

S
he had carried in his groceries.

James lowered his head, his hands resting against the counter. This was not right!

The anger inside—at God, at the pain, at the unfairness of what was happening, at the lack of sleep—roiled through him.

“I don’t need another mother,” he snapped at Rae, taking the last sack from her as she came in from the garage. “I can put away my own groceries.”

She pulled back, her eyes going wide. He watched as the light of animation gave way to confusion and deep hurt. She started to say something, stopped, then left the kitchen.

“Rae…”

He’d been to the doctor and then to the store and she’d been waiting for him when he got home. He was tired, in pain and frustrated with what he couldn’t do. He didn’t need her doing one of the few things he could do.

She didn’t deserve having her head bit off because he was in a foul mood.

“Rae.” He found her sitting on the couch in the living room. He lowered himself into the chair opposite her, setting the cane down. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“If I help you, you get mad. If I don’t, I feel horrible.”

He leaned his head back, hating the situation. He wanted her help, but resented it, too. “I know. I’ve been a bear with a sore head lately. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“Can I at least fix dinner?”

It pulled a half smile from him. “Would you settle for helping me fix it?”

She bit her lip as she sighed. “Sure. The doctor’s news was bad?”

“Nothing different than last time. Wait it out.” It was impossible to make light of how desperate he was to get some sustained improvement. There were few if any glimmers of hope.

Kevin was right. He had to accept the limitations and learn to live with them. But he hated it, hated the implications of a life with this pain. Hated the cost he was going to have to pay.

If he didn’t recover, they didn’t have a future together.

She didn’t want to talk about the possibility of this pain being a permanent reality. She still believed it would fade with time. He was no longer sure.

The only thing he was certain of was that he could not burden her with it.

It was dawn. Rae looked out her office window to see the clouds turn pink on the horizon, slowly glow as the sun touched them.

She looked down at the list of her day’s priorities and slowly curled her hand around the pen she held. Had it been a pencil, it would have cracked under the pressure.

There was too much to do and not enough time to do it.

It was no longer a matter of delegation, of prioritization, of managing her time better, of controlling interruptions. She was in over her head, and she had two options. She could throw away everything outside of work that was important in her life to deal exclusively with delivering the kind of investment returns her clients had the right to expect, or she could sell the business. A partnership was not going to happen. Richardson had regretfully declined last week, Walters had called her last night.

Rae looked at the list of items to be done, looked around her office, quietly closed the schedule book.

God, I’ve been thinking about Psalm 37 for months now. Verse 23 says the steps of a man are from the Lord. We’ve been talking about this decision for a long time. It’s time, isn’t it?

Rae was surprised at the peace she felt.

She was selling the business.

The demons liked to come in the middle of the night. His personal ones. Doubt. Anger. Frustration. The clock beside his bed showed 2:00 a.m. The pain had ensured he had yet to fall asleep.

God, I am so angry at this pain! Why, God? Why me? Why show me a future I would love to have and then cripple me so I can’t have it?

It’s not
fair.

I love Rae. I can’t do this to her. I can’t so limit her life to this level.

I know what marriage demands of people. Why put love in my heart and deny me the health I need to enjoy it? For years I have accepted being single as one of the costs to pay for serv
ing on the mission field. Is this how You reward that sacrifice? Why, God? I don’t understand.

How do I explain this to Rae? She’s not going to understand and I don’t have the words. She’s going to see the things I can’t do—mow the yard, take out the trash, carry a sack of groceries, that long list of daily obstacles I am dealing with—as minor things. But they are not. They are the tip of that iceberg of energy and responsibility necessary for a marriage to work. It can’t be such a one-sided equation that she is put in a position of constantly having to give. The marriage would never survive.

Oh, God, why does the pain not leave? What caused this relapse to be stronger and more persistent than the others? Is there anything else I can do that will help? Anything else the doctors have not tried? Just lying here in bed is making my muscles burn. I can feel the joints stiffening. I know morning is going to be another adventure in agony. I am so tired of it, Lord. There is no relief. I am dreading where this is heading.

How do I tell the lady I love that I can’t marry her?