Going Ashore (30 page)

“I stay in bed because my room is so cold,” said Sylvie, rapidly now, as if Louise might change her mind and turn away. “This room is an icebox – there isn’t even a radiator – so I stay in bed and study and I leave the door
open so as to get some of the heat from the stairs.” A tattered book of horoscopes lay face down on the blanket. Tacked to the wall was a picture someone had taken of Sylvie asleep on a sofa, during or after a party, judging from the scene. The slit of window in the room gave on a court, but it was a bright court, with a brave tree whose roots had cracked the paving.

“My name is Sylvie Laval,” she said, and, wiping her palm on the bedsheet, prepared to shake hands.

“Louise Tate.” Louise set the thermos down on Sylvie’s table, between a full ashtray and a cardboard container of coagulated milk. She saw the Japanese box with the chrysanthemum painted on the lid, and picked it up.

“What a new element you are going to be for me,” said Sylvie, settling back and watching with some amazement. “I shall observe you and become like you. Yes, that’s the money box, and you must take whatever you need for the sandwich.”

“Why do you want to observe me?” said Louise, turning and laughing at her.

“You look like an angel,” Sylvie said. “I’m sure angels look like you.”

“I was once told I looked like an English poet in first youth,” said Louise, trying to pretend that Sylvie’s intention had been ironical.

Sylvie tilted her little chin as if to say she knew what that was all about. “Your friends are poets,” she said. “They must be like you, too – wise and calm. I wish I knew your friends.”

“They are very plain people,” said Louise, still smiling. “They wouldn’t be much fun for a bright little thing like you.”

“Foreigners?”

“Some. French, too.” Louise was proud of her introductions.

Sylvie looked with her bold black eyes and said, “French. I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“You and the type upstairs. The great actor – the comedian.” She bit her fingers, hesitating. Her features were coarse and sly. “You’re so comic, the two of you, creeping about with your secret. But love is love, and everyone knows.”

I have wondered since about that bit of mischief. I suppose Patrick had given Sylvie a role to play, because it was the only way he could control her. She had found out, or he had told, and he had warned her not to
hurt Louise. Louise was someone who must be spared. She must never guess that he and Sylvie had been lovers. They thought Louise could never stand up to the truth; they thought no one could bear to be told the truth about anything after a certain age.

Sylvie, launched in a piece of acting, could not help overloading. “Do you know any other French people?” she said. “Never mind. There’s me.” She flung out her arms suddenly – to the mirror, not to Louise – and cried, “I am your French friend.”

“SHE’S GOT A PICTURE
of herself sound asleep, curled up with no shoes on,” said Louise, talking in a new, breathless voice. “It must be the first thing she looks at in the morning when she wakes up. And she seems terribly emotional and generous. I don’t know why, but she gives you the feeling of generosity. I’m sure she does herself a lot of harm.”

We were in Patrick’s room. Louise poured the daily soup into pottery bowls. I have often tried to imagine how he must have seemed to Louise. I doubt if she could have told you. From the beginning they stood too close; his face was like a painting in which there are three eyes and a double profile. No matter how far she backed off, later on, she never made sense of him. Let me tell what
I
remember. I remember that it was easy for him to talk, easy for him to say anything, so that I can hear a voice, having ceased to think of a face. He seldom gestured. Only his voice, which was trained, and could never be disguised, told that he did not think he was an ordinary person; he did not believe he was like anyone else in the world, not for a minute. I asked myself a commonplace question: What does she see in him? I should have wondered if she saw him at all. As for me, I saw him twice. I saw him the first time when Louise described the meeting in the consul’s widow’s drawing room, and I understood that the dazzling boy was only that droning voice through the wall. From the time of our grippe, I can see a spiral of orange peel, a water glass with air bubbles on the side of the glass, but I cannot see him. There was the bluish smoke of his caporal cigarettes, and the shape of Louise, like something seen against the light … None of it is sharp.

One day I saw Patrick and Sylvie together, and that was plain, and clear, and well remembered. I had gone out in the rain to give a music lesson to a spoiled child, the ward of a doting grandmother. I came up the stairs, and because I heard someone laughing, or because I was feverish and beyond despair, I went into Patrick’s room instead of my own.

Sylvie was there. She knelt on the floor, wearing her nightdress (the time must have been close to noon), struggling with Patrick for a bottle of French vodka, which tastes of marsh water and smells like eau de cologne. “Louise says mustn’t drink,” said Sylvie, in a babyish voice; “and besides it’s mine.” They stopped their puppy play when they saw me; there was a mock scurry, as if it were Puss who had the governess role instead of Louise. Then I noticed Louise. She sat before the window, reading a novel, taking no notice of her brawling pair. Her face was calm and happy and the lines of moral obligation had disappeared. She said, “Well, Puss,” with our mother’s inflection, and she seemed so young – nineteen or so – that I remembered how Collie had been in love with her once, before going to Malaya to be killed. Sylvie must have been born that year, the year Louise was married. I hadn’t thought of that until now.

“When Berlioz was living in Italy,” I said, “he heard that Marie Pleyel was going to be married, and so he disguised himself as a lady’s maid and started off for Paris. He intended to assassinate Marie and her mother and perhaps the fiancé as well. But he changed his mind for some reason, and I think he went to Nice.” This story rushed to my lips without reason. Berlioz and Marie Pleyel seemed to me living people, and the facts contemporary gossip. While I was telling it, I remembered they had all of them died. I forgot every word I had ever known of French, and told it in English, which Sylvie could not understand.

“You ought to be in bed, my pet,” I heard Louise say.

Sylvie went on with something she had been telling before my arrival. She had an admirer who was a political cartoonist. His cartoons were ferocious, and one imagined him out on the boulevards of Paris doing battle with the police; but he was really a timid man, afraid of cats, and unable to cross most streets without trembling. “He spends thousands of francs,” said Sylvie, sighing. She told how many francs she had seen him spending.

I said, “Money, money … it
does
bring happiness.” I wondered if Louise recalled that Berlioz had written this, and that we had quarreled about it once.

Prone across the bed, leaning on his elbows, Patrick listened to Sylvie with grave attention, and I thought that here was a situation no amount of money could solve; for it must be evident to Louise, unless she were blind and had lost all feeling, that something existed between the two. The lark had stopped singing, but it had not died; it was alive and flying in the room. Sylvie, nibbling now on chocolates stuck to a paper bag, felt that I was staring at her, and turned her head.

“My room is so cold,” she said humbly, “and I get so lonely, and finally I thought I’d come in to him.”

“Quite right of you,” I said, as if his time and his room were mine. But Sylvie seemed to think she had been dismissed. She licked the last of the chocolate from the paper, crumpled the bag, threw it at Patrick, and slammed the door. I sat down and leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I heard Patrick saying, “Read this,” and when I looked again, Louise was on the edge of the bed with a letter in her hands. She bent over it. Her hair was like the sun – the real sun, not the sun we saw here.

“It says that your visa is refused,” she said, in her flat, positive French. “It says that in six months you may apply again.”

“That’s what I understood. I thought you might understand more.”

She smoothed the letter with both hands and made up her mind about saying something. She said, “Come to Australia.”

“What?”

“Come to Australia. I’ll see that they let you in; I can do that much for you. You can stay with me in Melbourne until you get settled. The house is enormous. It’s too big for one person. The climate would be perfect for you.”

Think of that courage: she’d have taken him home.

He looked as if she had said something completely empty of meaning, and then he appeared to understand; it was a splendid piece of mime. “What would I do in Australia? I can hardly talk the language.”

“I’ve seen people arriving, without money, without English, without anything, and then they do as well as anyone.”

“They were refugees,” he said. “I’ve got my own country. I’m not a refugee.”

“You were anxious enough to go to New York.”

The apple never drops far from the tree; here was our mother all over again, saying something unpleasant but true. My dutiful sister, the good elder girl – I might have helped her then. I might have told her how men were, or what it was like in Paris. But I kept silent, and presently I heard him saying he was going home. He was going to the house in the Dordogne – the house he had shown her in the photograph. She may have been jealous of that house; in her place I should have been. He said that the winter in Paris had been bad for him; there hadn’t been enough work. Next season he would try again.

“Your mother will be pleased to have you for a bit,” said Louise, accepting it; but I doubt if any of us can accept humiliation so simply. She folded the letter and placed it quietly beside her on the blanket. She said, “I’d better put Puss to bed,” and got to her feet. I don’t believe they had much to say to each other after that. He went away for a week, came back to us for a fortnight, and then disappeared.

When I was recovering from that second attack of grippe, Louise made me go with her to the Faubourg St. Honoré to look at shops. Neither of us intended buying anything, but Louise thought the outing would do me good. Just as she was convinced invalids wanted soda biscuits, so she believed convalescents found a new purpose in living when they looked at pretty things. We looked at coats and ski boots and sweaters, and we stared at rare editions, and finally, fatigued and stupid, gazed endlessly at the brooches and strings of beads in an antique jewelry store.

“It can’t be worth such an awful lot,” said Louise, taking an interest in a necklace. The stones – agate, cornelian, red jasper – were rubbed and uneven, like glass that has been polished by waves. The charm of the necklace was in its rough, careless appearance and the warm color of the stones. I put one hand flat against the pane of the counter. When I took it away, I watched the imprint fade. I was accustomed to wanting what I could not have.

“Do you like it, Puss?” said Louise.

“Very much.”

“So do I. It would be perfect for Sylvie.”

That is all I can tell you: I am not Louise. She came out of the shop with a wrapped parcel in her hand, and said in a matter-of-fact tone that the stones were early-eighteenth-century seals, that the man had been most civil about taking her check, and that the necklace had cost a great deal of money. That was all until we reached the hotel, and then she said, “Puss, will you give it to her? She’ll think it strange, coming from me.”

“Why won’t she think it just as odd if I give it?” I called, for Louise had simply moved on, leaving me outside Sylvie’s door. I felt cross and foolish. Louise climbed slowly, one hand on the banister. I know now that she went straight upstairs to her room and marked the price of the necklace under “Necessary.” It was not the real price but about a fifth of the truth. She absorbed the balance in the rest of her accounts by cheating heavily for a period of weeks. She charged herself an imaginary thousand francs for a sandwich and two thousand for a bunch of winter daisies, and inflated the cost of living until the cost of the necklace had disappeared.

I knocked on Sylvie’s door, and heard her scuttling about behind it. “Come in!” she shouted. “Oh, it’s you. I thought it was the horrible Rablis. I can’t let him in when I’m not properly dressed, because … you know.” She had pulled on a pair of slacks and a sweater I recognized as Patrick’s.

“Louise wants you to have this,” I said.

She took the box from me and sat down on the bed. She was terrified by this gift. Even the sight of the ribbons and tissue paper alarmed her. I saw that in terms of Sylvie’s world Louise had made a mistake. The present was so extraordinary and it had been delivered in such a roundabout fashion that the girl thought she was being bought.

“My sister chose it for you on an impulse,” I said. I felt huge and uniformed, like a policeman. “It seems to me a ridiculous present for a girl who hasn’t proper shoes or a decent winter coat, but she thought you’d like it.”

She lifted the necklace out of its box and held it over her head and let it fall. She was an actress, true enough – Sarah Bernhardt to the life. But then she turned away from me, leaning on her hands, straining forward toward the mirror, and she stopped pretending. I saw on her impudent profile surprise and greed, and we understood, together, at the same
moment, what could be had from women like Louise. Sylvie said, “Your sister must be very rich.”

That jolted me. “Consider the necklace a kind of insurance if you want to,” I said. “You can sell it if you need money. You can give it back when you don’t want it any more.” That stripped the giving of any intention; she was not obliged to admire Louise, or even be grateful.

She wore the necklace every day. It hung over her plastic coat, and on top of Patrick’s old sweater. One night she fell up the stairs wearing it, and a piece of jasper broke away. The necklace had a grin to it then, with a cracked tooth. Louise scarcely noticed. Now that she had given the necklace away, she scarcely saw it at all. Giving had altered her perceptions. She walked in her sleep, and part of her character, smothered until now, began to live and breathe in a dream. “I’ve hardly worn it,” I can hear her telling Sylvie. “I bought it for myself, but it doesn’t suit me.” She said it about the tweed skirts, the quilted dressing gown, the stockings, the gloves, all purchased with Sylvie in mind. (She never felt the need to give me anything. She never so much as returned my scarf until she went back to Australia, and then it was simply a case of forgetting it, leaving it behind. She also left her trumped-up accounts. Sylvie abandoned her empty bottles and a diary and a dirty petticoat; my sister left my scarf and her false accounts. The stuff of her life is in those figures: “Dentist for S.” “Shoes for S.” “Oil stove for S.” I was touched to find under “Necessary” “Aspirin for Puss.” She had listed against it the price of a five-course meal. The two went together, the giving and the lying.)