Goodbye Secrets (The Lost & Found Series book #2) (51 page)

“Your happiness has and will always be my main focus and concern. I love you, Becca ... more than my heart and my mind can stand, really.” His overwhelming words leave me with no witty comeback. I’m losing my edge ... or, maybe, my wall of preservation. Instead, I rest my head on his shoulder. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply the intoxicating smell that is Grayson James.

“Ready for your gift now?”

“Yes! Quite excited for it! You haven’t disappointed me yet!” He nudges my head up. I bite my lip and let my smile hit my eyes instead. I get up and head over to the tree.

“Here you go,” I say as I sit next to him. He takes the envelope and opens it.

“Three horses, sweetheart?” he asks, looking surprised.

“No, those are the three available that you can pick from. Now you’ll have your own horse here. I thought you might go for this one.” I point to the black one.

“I won’t be here, though.”

“Well, we’ll transport him out with us. You have a stable you’re not using. Morgan and I will want our horses out in California.” I’m feeling a bit perturbed. I don’t think he likes his gift. “That way, we can all ride together.”

“It’s lovely, sweetheart.” Half smile.

“Um, well ... that was the grand finale.” I sigh, feeling disappointed.

“Well, thank you, Becca.” He pats my knee and gets up. “Let’s go and get dressed, shall we?”

“Yeah ... sure.” I rise and follow him up the stairs. Ray and I always snuggled on the couch in our PJs for at least a couple of hours after breakfast. Sometimes the girls would have to wake me to start dinner or check on it, depending on if we were having turkey or ham. Every year he would say,
This is my favorite part of Christmas ... snuggling with you on this couch, baby.
It was my favorite, too. I miss him. I wish we were in Calabasas or London for Christmas instead. It might’ve been easier. There’s too much Ray history here. Holidays make it worse.

I follow Grayson into our room and jump when he slams the door.

“What’s the matter?” I ask.

“You can’t last even a few hours without thinking about him!” he yells. How the hell does he know I was thinking about Ray? “Christ, Becca ... it’s all over your face.” He sighs. “I just wanted one day. You can’t do it. Can you, sweetheart?” He plops onto our bed and rests his head in his hands.

“I don’t know what to say, Grayson.” It’s the truth—I’m speechless. I plop down next to him.

“What were you thinking about?”

“Just that he and I used to snuggle on the couch after breakfast. We were never in a rush to get dressed. That’s all.” I leave out the latter part of my previous thought.

“We have an inn full of security, here to keep you safe. If it was just us, we’d stay in our PJs all day! We don’t have to get dressed. We can snuggle in our bed and put the telly on up here,” he offers. I decide not to mention that the absence of the Christmas tree and the smell of dinner cooking kind of takes away the ambiance of snuggling on Christmas Day. “I’ll go ask Morgy if she wants to join us.” He heads to the door and yells out for her when he opens it. I climb into bed now, wondering what Ray is doing. What the hell is the matter with me? It’ll be better ...
I’ll
be better once we leave.

“Is she coming?”

“She said maybe later.” He closes the door and climbs in next to me. “What shall we watch, my little snuggle bunny?” He tries to lighten our moods. I feel like such an ass! “He’s fine, Becca. He’s with his family. You are with yours. You can see him tomorrow.” He clicks the TV on. My favorite version of
A Christmas Carol
, with Reginald Owen as Scrooge, is on. Strange—they rarely ever play this version. “This okay, Becca?”

“Yes. It’s my favorite one.” I squeeze his arm and snuggle into him. I close my eyes to the feeling of Grayson softly kissing my cheek and my ear before he settles into watching the movie.

I open my eyes, and I’m in my bed in my room. I turn my head and find Ray sleeping peacefully. The sun is trying its hardest to peek through the room-darkening shades with a bit of success. The Christmas tree Ray surprised me with is lit and comforting. As much as I try to fight off my feelings for Ray because he’s my best friend, I do love waking up in his arms. I know he cares about me. I know he wants more than a friendship. I’m just so afraid. I don’t want to lose him. I’m so tormented by my past. I’m still haunted by our kiss this past June. Sometimes I wish I would’ve just thrown caution to the wind and made love to him.

“Morning, baby. Merry Christmas.” Ray gently turns my face to his with his fingertips.

“Merry Christmas,” I say, and welcome his lips on mine. My tongue is first to attempt an invasion. It’s greeted urgently by Ray’s, and he even adds a groan. Fuck off, caution! I’m making love to him right here, right now! I fist his hair and turn my body more into him. He climbs on top of me and pulls his mouth away. My breathing is erratic—I don’t even bother to try to steady it.

“Becs?” He stares into my eyes. I look deeply into the storm brewing within them.

“Yes, Ray ... yes.” I pull at the hem of his shirt. He helps me take it off of him. My shirt follows, along with both of our bottoms. He turns his speed from devouring to savoring. I match his tempo without skipping a beat. I run my lips across his shoulder and up his neck, my tongue darting out to taste him. Back up at his jaw, I nip his chin before I capture his lips again. I nudge him with my knee. He pulls back.

“Right to it, baby? No foreplay?”

“Ah, oh ... um, Ray.” I fidget as his fingers tweak and knead my right nipple in a painfully good manner.

“Feel good?”

“Yes, baby,” I say softly. I know how this affects him. “Ray ... please, baby. I need you,” I continue, and watch him close his eyes to soak in the sound of my voice. His eyes open—full-blown storm. He shifts his body a bit and in one swift motion, he’s inside of me. Within a matter of seconds, our hips are in sync with each other. He feels so right. This feels so right ... so good. I feel as if I’m home. A good amount of time passes before Ray and I slowly begin our climb together. It’s been so long since my body has gone through this motion, and I feel like flopping around like a fish out of water. Ray holds me tightly to him to help me steady myself through the waves. I squeeze around him every time he pulls back.

“Becs ... oh, baby ... that’s it ... that feels so good,” he says against my ear. Damn, he’s hot in bed! Come to think of it, he’s pretty hot outside of bed, too. He muffles my cries with his mouth as we come undone together.

“I love you, Ray. I’m so ... in love ... with you,” I say in between pants as he rests his sweaty forehead against mine.

“I love you, baby. I love you,” he breathes, and attacks my lips again.

I open my eyes to find Grayson staring down at me. His nose is flaring and his eyes are damp. I sit up quickly, still feeling a bit disoriented from my dream—which I think was actually a memory.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. We have to get dressed now. You have to cook the ham.” He gets out of bed.
Shit! Did I talk in my sleep?

“Grayson, something’s wrong. You are upset.”

He throws on his jeans, saying nothing. I get up and walk over to him, then grab his shirt out of his hands and toss it onto the chair. I lace my fingers with his and slowly walk backward to the bed, bringing him along. When I bump into the mattress with the backs of my thighs, I bring his hands to my hips. He reaches up around my neck and pulls my long brown hair away and onto my other shoulder, allowing him full access to my skin. His lips caress me like the tickle of a close whisper. He pulls away and stares down into my eyes. I sense a strange recognition there, like a memory I’ve forgotten about. It feels powerful. Grayson leans in and rubs his lips lightly against mine. Not a single word is uttered between us as we climb onto the bed and slowly make love.

Grayson and I walk hand in hand downstairs. We haven’t said a word to each other in an hour. It’s been a good silence, though—much needed.

“The hams are in. Stacey and I took care of it,” Hazel says with a sigh.

“Thanks. Sorry I’ve been slacking off lately.” I hug her, more so she’ll know I’m not going to flip out.

“We put the Christmas crackers out as well.” She looks past my shoulder, watching Grayson join Morgan in the lounge. “What’s going on with my nephew? Is he all right?” Her powder-blue eyes focus back on me.

“Ugh, Hazel, he’s all over the place, between his mom and Christmas and Ray. He’s itching to get back home to the ranch, and I sort of feel the same way.”

“Really? You’re ready to leave everything you’ve worked hard for ... and Ray?”

“I love Grayson, Hazel, although ...” I trail off.

“Although what?” she asks flippantly.

“Nothing. I just feel like he’s taking ten steps back after taking five forward. I think it’s from being here, though. Then again, I don’t know, because he’s always been up and down about us. I feel very confused.” I’m honest and open, like I’ve always been. She walks away from me without a word.
Um ... okay. Good talk!
I remind myself that he is her nephew. She’s entitled to be a bit sensitive on this matter, I guess.

I head into the lounge, where Morgan is teaching Grayson how to play her latest PlayStation game. I grab my new book and try not to think of He Who Should Not Be Mentioned or Thought Of. After about ten minutes, Stacey plops down and elbows me. I look over at her, and she shows me her phone.

December 25, 2012 1:30 p.m.

Ray:
Stacey, its Elise. Ray is destroying the house. He’s drunk and out of control. We can’t get him to calm down! Becca needs to help us. Please!

Grayson comes up to us and grabs Stacey’s phone. “
Enough!
” he screams and throws it against the wall, where it smashes into a million pieces.

“Hey!” Stacey yells.

“Daddy?” Morgan says nervously. Her eyes are wide and her brow furrowed, like she’s scared. Grayson turns his head to her sharply, then glances back at me with a look of panic.

“Becca.” His tone is sharp, almost as if he’s blaming me for his actions.

“Daddy, why are you so angry?” Morgan asks, and touches his arm.

“Becca ... please,” he pleads. What does he want me to do?

“Uh ... Morgan, everything’s okay,” I offer. What the hell else can I say?

“It’s your turn, Daddy.” Morgan hands him his paddle. He looks down at it, then back up at me. He follows her over to the TV.

“Becca, what the fuck?” Stacey asks.

“Please, Stace, no more Ray today,” I whisper, looking back down at my book. Every once in a while I glance up to find Grayson staring at me. He is so off today. It’s making me nervous.

By the time I hit chapter five, dinner is ready. Grayson holds his hands out in an offer to help me up. When I take them, he pulls me to him aggressively. His fingers lace with mine as he crisscrosses my arms behind my back and holds me tightly against him. He nudges my nose with his before he collects my lips. I give in to his advances and welcome the intrusion of his tongue. He pulls away rather quick, releasing my arms as well. I feel a bit lightheaded as we walk toward the dining room, his arm draped around my shoulder.