GRINGA (87 page)

             
The look of devastation on his face will haunt me for the rest of my life.

             
‘Why?’ he asks, hurt rife in his voice. ‘I thought …how … but you love me? Why?’

             
‘Diago,’ I sob, ‘I…
do
…love you.’

             
‘Then ... why? How...? Payton ... I don’t under …’

             
‘I had to, Diago. I’m so sorry. I had to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sor…’

             
‘You
had
to? Nobody can make you do anything, sweetheart,’ he says, his voice now tender in spite of everything. 

             
I sink to the ground and bawl – unabashedly.

             
‘So ... if you want to hurt me ... so why you marry me, then?’

             
‘Because, I …I told you Diago, I love you with all my heart and they f …forced me to ...to... in the beginning ...you were so m…mean to me and ... and my father...oh Diago!’

             
They lead him away.

             
‘Diago! Diago!’
I sink to the floor, cover my head with my hand
s
and
sob loudly, my pain overwhelming me. 

             
Depp holsters his weapon and walks over to me. ‘Payton,’ he says, placing his hand on my shoulder.

             
‘Don’t touch me!’ I hiss as I shrug off his hand. ‘Don’t you fucking ever!’

I don’t remember driving to the ranch yet I find myself there. Slowly, I alight from the driver’s seat of the Jeep. I have to tell everyone of Diago’s arrest. The men are first.

             
‘But how can the police arrest him if they got no proof, Senorita?’ the men ask.

             
I shake my head from side-to-side. How can I possibly reveal my part in Diago’s arrest?

             
Maria and Rosa hold each other and cry, while
Troy
quietly moves away. The men fall silent. It’s as if a light has gone out of the ranch.

             
I run after
Troy
. ‘
Troy
, we need to talk.’

             
‘Okay,’ he says softly.

             
‘We can apply for bail…get an attorney…?’

             
He nods. ‘I need to put away some money for tomorrow,’ he says. ‘Hide it.’

             
I nod. ‘Yeah.’

             
We stop talking and sit silently on the cliff for more than an hour.  

It is morning and
Troy
and I are heading out to visit Diago. At the prison, our names are announced for Diago to accept, but only
Troy
is accepted in.

             
‘What! Why?’ I demand.

             
‘Diablo does not want to see you,’ the warden says in a bored voice.

             
‘But …but…I need to see him, Senor.’ I want to apologise to him, make things right.

             
The warden lifts and drops his shoulders, then ushers
Troy
in.

             
I know Diago will tell
Troy
about my betrayal.
Troy
will probably be furious with me never speak to me again. I will probably have to move out Tana
-
Mera right away.
I pace.

             
Troy
returns a while later and gives me an apologetic look.

             
‘How is he,
Troy
?’
Strangely, he d
oesn’t appear mad with me
.

             
‘Okay,’ he says. ‘But he don’t want …’

             
‘…to see me. I know.’

             
‘Sorry Gringa.’

             
‘Yeah. But he’s okay?’

             
‘He’s okay.’

             
‘Did he say …anything else? About me?’

             
‘No.’

             
So Diago has not told
Troy
about my betrayal. That makes me feel worse. 

             
With a heavy, broken heart, I drag myself back to the ranch. Maybe tomorrow he will see me. Maybe he will miss me so much that he forgives me. Maybe … 

             
But the next day, the same thing happens. By the third day, I’m going crazy. I have to see Diago.

             
Troy
returns after a visit looking visibly distressed. ‘Diago, he doesn’t want the attorney. He say he don’t need one. And bail – he don’t want bail too.’

             
‘What the fuck? That’s ridiculous,
Troy
.’

             
I know there’s a chance we can beat this. I figure I’m their star witness and I’m not going to help them put my husband behind bars. Hell, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to free him. I’m a desperate woman – I’ll perjure myself to save my love.
I get into my car and drive to
Depp.

             
Depp is fidgety and avoids eye contact with me.

             
‘You assured me that Diago would never find out that I was like, involved in his arrest, yet you…you implicated me. You let on that I was involved now he wants nothing to do with me, Depp. I want you to change it. I want you to make it right. It’s all
your
fault, Depp.’

             
Depp frowns. ‘Payton, how’s it
my
fault? You didn’t get down when they asked you to. You could have been killed. I was trying to protect you, damnmit! So how’s it my fault, huh? Anyway, he’s mad, crazy as hell. He’ll kill you. I can’t take that chance.’

             
‘It’s a chance
I’ll
take,’ I say, thumping my chest. ‘If he kills me, it won’t be the first time. And right now, the way I feel, I really don’t give a fuck whether I live or die.’

             
‘You’re talking like a crazy …’

             
‘I am. Believe me.’

             
Depp runs his fingers
slowly
through his hair and sighs. ‘I’ll see what I can do. Maybe tomorrow …’

             
For the first time in days, I relax and as I head home, I nurse the tiny ember of hope I feel inside.

             
As I drive, I think about my family. They’ve obviously heard about Diago but they haven’t bothered to show up and support me in any way. Not even my paedophilic father who I sacrificed my husband for. I should have let him rot in jail, the bastard! Suddenly, I feel utter hatred for my father.

It’s morning. Depp and I face each other in the prison’s waiting room.

             
‘Payton, look ….he won’t see you. Refuses to. Sorry.’

             
This can’t be happening. I glare at him. ‘Arrange a private meeting, then. Tell him…tell him you need to interview him, then when he comes into the room, I’ll be there and like, he won’t be able to avoid me.’ I grab Depp by the lapels on his jacket. ‘Do anything. Just get him and I alone so I can talk to him. You have to, please!’

             
‘You’re asking too much Payton,’ Depp hisses as he prises away my fingers from his lapels. ‘I don’t have the power to do such stuff here. Who do you think I am?’

             
‘Well, give them money then. I got tons.’

             
‘Payton, you asking me to
bribe
people? You crazy?’

             
‘Yes. Yes Depp, I’m crazy. I haven’t eaten or slept since Diago was arrested. I need to talk to him, need to explain why
.
’ I shake my head slowly. ‘I’m dying inside because he wants nothing to do with me. I’m like, desperate, okay? You guys put me in this situation, Depp. You used me. I’m young and vulnerable and you guys took fucking advantage of that and used me to do your police work.
T
hat’s wrong Depp. It’s very wrong. Now I’m losing my mind. You fix it. Just fix it, you bastard!’

             
Depp jerks back and glares at me. ‘Hey! He’s a killer. He killed cops!’

             
‘He killed
crooked
cops, Depp! They deserved to die! He didn’t kill a fiveyear
old kid. He didn’t murder an innocent father of two.’

             
‘Payton, he killed his
father
!’

             
‘No. He killed a father-figure who abused him. That man
deserved
to die Depp. You know that. You have five kids. Picture someone doing what Jimo did to
any
of your kids. Huh? Pick a kid. Quick. Which one d’ya wanna sacrifice? Which one d’ya pick to sleep outside tonight? Which one d’ya chose to be used an as an ashtray, huh? Tell me?’

             
Depp starts pacing. For a while there is silence in the room.

             
Then he turns to me and points his index finger at me. ‘Meet me here tomorrow. Ten sharp. I make no promises.’

             
I
exhale slowly then
stand up
to leave
.

             
‘Payton!’

             
I turn around and look at him.

             
‘I warned you not to fall for him.’

             
‘You did,’ I say and walk away.

I take pains with my appearance today. I try my best to disguise the black shadows under my eyes with concealer. Doesn’t work. I try balancing them with a smoky eye shadow and layers of carbon black mascara. Uuugg! I look like Morticia Adams’s younger sister.
M
ore concealer.