GRINGA (88 page)

             
At least my hair is blow-dried and shiny. Maybe some more lip gloss with latex. I want to look my best for my Diago.

             
Depp meets me at the entrance of the prison and leads me into an interview room. A short while later, Grey arrives accompanied by two prison officers.

             
Depp motions the prison officers to take their places on either side of me. ‘Have to be careful,’ he says. 

             
A few minutes, I hold my breath when I see Diago shuffling into the room.
When he sees me, he stiffens and he stares at me with slanted eyes. Then he looks at Depp.

             
Depp shifts about in his shoes.

             
I stand up and take a step forward. From the corner of my eye, I see a prison officer place his hand on his gun.

             
‘Diago please,’ I say quickly, ‘hear me out
. P
lease.’

             
He doesn’t even look at me. He turns to the prison officer. ‘I don’t want her here.’

             
The officer looks at Depp for instructions.

             
‘Diago, listen to me, please! Let me just talk.’

             
The look he gives me – well, I’d rather face the oncoming headlights of an 18 wheeler on the wrong side of the road.

             
‘Why? You want to lie to me again? Tell me you love me
?
Tell me you wanna stay with me in
Mexico
and have little …?’

             
‘No Diago! I meant what I said. Honest, I did. Please …’

             
He glares at me
.
‘I have a question.’

             
‘Sure, anything,’ I say, eager to open the lines of communication.

             
‘I want the truth. You promise to tell me the truth?’

             
That’s a loaded question and I panic. Can he handle the truth?

             
I take a deep breath then exhale loudly, ‘Ask.’ 

             
‘Promise?’

             
I hesitate for a nanosecond, then nod.

             
‘The FBI – they tell you to pretend to love me, then they get me to tell you things so they can arrest me, eh?’

             
I look away.

             
‘You promised to tell the truth, Payton.’

             
Slowly, I raise my eyes to his and in a small voice say, ‘Yes.’

             
His shoulders slump and his head lolls. I’ve haven’t seen him look defeated before.

             
‘But Diago, listen, that …that was only in the beginning, please. After I like, got to know you, things were different. I
was
sincere, honest. I mean, yeah, I was struggling, true, but slowly ... I was slowly falling for you, Diago. I was attracted to you. I …I loved you. Love you, now. I do
!
’

             
‘Don’t say that!’ he yells. ‘You lied and you are lying now, Payton. I can take anything, but I can’t take
your
betrayal. You tell me you love me just so you can hurt me? He shakes his head slowly.

‘I loved you, Payton. You were
my
Gringa.’

             
‘God Diago, I’m so sorry.’ Tears course down my cheeks. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I can’t help it. I cry so hard, I can barely speak. I’m wasting valuable time here by crying, but I’m so distraught by all that had transpired over the last few days, I guess I’m buckling under the intensity of everything. I’m just twenty two. I shouldn’t have to deal with this much stress.

             
‘You had so many chances to tell me the truth, Payton, but you did not and you lied to me. ‘I can’t rest anymore. The only time I can rest,’ His voice drops and his eyes start to bulge, ‘is when I kill you. Then I will be even with you.’

             
I hear the gasping around me.

             
‘It’s my way - Diablo’s way.’

             
Diablo’s, not Diago’s.

             
Depp and Grey exchange worried glances.

             
‘I think about killing you all the time,’ he says, his voice barely audible now. 

             
‘Yeah, well, I don’t blame you, Diago. You might as well, cos I’m dead inside.’

             
He frowns and cocks his head to one side. ‘Why you feel that way, Payton? You want this, no?’

             
‘No. I never wanted
this
. This happened in the beginning when you took me and you …you raped me and you beat me. I was lost ... alone ... I needed help, Diago.’

             
‘Diablo!’ he hisses his eyes turning dark. 

             
I force myself not to jerk back. ‘Diago, when the FBI approached me – I thought like, they were my rescuers so I agreed to …’

             
‘
Si
? I beat you, hurt you - how did
they
help you?’

             
‘Well, they ...  ’

             
‘They shoot me and take you away, huh? No, they send you back and tell you to make friends with the man who is hurting you. They used you to get me and you let them.’

             
‘I …I guess I was confused. You’d be too, Diago if you were in my situation.’

             
He looks at Depp and Grey with absolute contempt.

             
Both Grey and Depp avert their eyes.

             
‘But Diago, you began to change too. You asked me to teach you how to be good and I did. Then I realised that you were living what you learnt. I ached for you, Diago and slowly, I like, fell in love with you. But it was too late. I couldn’t stop it, Diago. I love you so ... much  ...’ I start to cry again. ‘Life without you - its unbearable Diago. I need you. I need you so much. I wish I can turn back this damaging clock of our lives, but I can’t. Just like I’m sure you wish you could change some of the things you’ve done in the past – shot me, beat me, right?’

             
He does not answer.

             
I take a step forward and touch Diago’s hand.

             
The prison guard lunges forward and yanks me back. 

             
‘Don’t touch her!’ Diago roars. 

             
The guard quickly unhands me. 

             
Depp and Grey glance at each other, their hands on their guns.

             
‘Payton, it’s time,’ Depp says, throwing nervous glances at Diago.

             
I nod and look at Diago. ‘I miss you,’ I whisper grimly. ‘I miss your arms around me, Diago. I miss sleeping inside of you, I miss hearing your voice when I wake up in the morning. But most of all, I miss your smile. You like, changed my life. I’m not leaving
Mexico
, I’m here to stay.
You
are my life.’

             
‘You are not mine. I will kill you,’ He snaps his fingers, ‘like this.’

             
I don’t know what else to say.

             
The prison guard leads Diago away.

             
Depp steers me out of the prison, Diago’s words about the Feds ringing in my ears.

             
As I walk with them to my Jeep, I think I spot Manual, Sarah’s father. She’s the little girl we rescued from Tongue. I nod at him but he does not acknowledge me.

             
Perhaps I am mistaken.

It’s past midnight but I have trouble sleeping. I replay my earlier conversation with Diago over and over again in my mind. I think about his threats, the hurt look on his face and I cringe as I remember.

             
Suddenly, there is a knock at my door. Who can it be at this time of the night?

             
‘Payton?’ It’s Depp’s voice.

             
Something’s happened to Diago! I race to the door and open it.

             
Depp and Grey stand in front of me looking sheepish. Behind them is
Troy
and three men I’ve never seen before.

             
‘He’s escaped,’ Grey says, craning his neck to look around my room.

             
‘What!’ I don’t believe it.

             
‘An hour ago,’ Depp says. ‘This is gonna make things so much harder now.

             
I step outside my bedroom and follow Grey and Depp to the lounge.

             
‘What do we do now?’ I ask.

             
Depp jerks his head towards the three men behind him. ‘Police officers. They’re going to stake out Tana-Mera with Grey and I.’

             
I look at
Troy
. He’s eyes are resting on the bulge of one of the officer’s jacket. They’re all carrying guns and they probably will not hesitate to shoot Diago if they see him.

             
Depp, Grey and the officers discuss more security and areas in the ranch they need to cover. They plan to
plant
two officers in the tower as well.

             
I’m deep in my troubled thoughts. What if Diago tries to get to me? How do we warn him about the police at Tana
-
Mera? Where the fuck do we find him right now? The thought of them shooting Diago makes me want to throw up.

             
‘With some many policemen here, there’s little chance of him getting to you,’ Depp says.

             
I stare at him. That’s not what I’m worried about. I want to reach Diago and warn him about them.

             
He leans towards me and
drops his voice.
‘Don’t even
think
of trying to get to him and tip him off.’

             
He’s reading my mind. Am I that transparent?