Happy Families (2 page)

For example, the other day Paula had asked Lisa if Lisa had ‘sexual relations’ with her boyfriend, Mark. Lisa was very embarrassed, even though Mark had been part of their lives for a few months now. Wasn’t that the wrong way round? Paula had had ‘the talk’ at school. She’d had a good idea about the birds and the bees before she’d had the proper lesson at school. But now she’d had the lesson she felt totally grown-up. Paula saw a chance to embarrass and confuse her mum. Every kid loves to do that! After asking about her mum’s personal life she quickly asked, ‘Can I have my belly-button pierced?’

Lisa was so hot and bothered by the ‘sexual relations’ question that she said she’d think about the piercing. For ages she’d said, ‘No. No. No,’ but anything to change the subject.
Later, when Lisa had time to think about it, she realized she’d been tricked.

For the record, Mark and Lisa were having sex. Thank you for your interest! Lisa was forty-two, with three kids and a divorce under her belt. She was officially not-so-young, not-so-free and not-so-single. She was also not-so-comfortable talking about her sex life with her young daughter – or her mother, come to that. She wasn’t modern enough to deal with it.

Lisa was never very modern. Even when she was young, she was old-fashioned. She was a nice girl who just wanted to settle down and have a family. She didn’t regret it. She loved her family more than anything in the world.

She’d never thought about A levels like Kerry might. She’d never wanted her tummy-button pierced like Paula did. She’d never had an ambition to play football for Manchester United like Jack did. Maybe that’s not surprising!

Her ambition had been to marry, then to live Happily Ever After, the way they do in fairy tales. Her problem was what was after ‘After’.

Lisa thought that by the time she reached the age of forty-two, her only problem would be whether to use sew-on or iron-on labels to name her kids’ school uniforms. Instead, she
had to struggle with what she should call the man in her life.

‘Husband’ was so simple. But Mark was not her husband. Mark was a man who had come round to give her an estimate for converting the loft. And slowly but surely turned into… Well. What?

The term boyfriend seemed so
young.
Lisa thought she was too old for a boyfriend. Her daughters talked about boyfriends. She wished they didn’t! She wasn’t ready for them to grow up!

Lisa’s mother called Mark a toy-boy. Every time she said it, she nudged Lisa and winked. At moments like those Lisa had sympathy for her kids. Parents never stop showing you up! True, technically, Mark was a toy-boy, as he was five years younger than Lisa. But didn’t toy-boys date older women for their money? Mark couldn’t be in it for the money. Lisa had none. Her idea of a good investment was buying two lottery tickets.

Carol thought Lisa should call Mark her partner.

‘As often as possible,’ she said, ‘to make it clear to everyone that he’s yours. It’s a competitive world and he’s a catch.’

It sounded a bit desperate to Lisa. But even
the kids agreed with Carol. Single, Lisa was a drag. They didn’t want to have to look after her in her old age. Jack had said so. The boy wasn’t known for his tact! But ‘partner’ put Lisa in mind of cowboys – ‘Howdy partner’ – or people who liked people in their own hockey team.

Lisa’s brother, John, said Lisa should call Mark her ‘dude’. This was proof that he lived on a different planet from anyone else Lisa knew.

Lisa wondered how come
everyone
else seemed to know how to label her relationship. Where did her voice go?

Only Mark didn’t seem to care what Lisa called him, as long as she did keep calling him, which was sweet. Men
are
sweet at the beginning, aren’t they, thought Lisa. But, like cream cakes in a shop window, they go off.

3

10 September

Keith, Lisa’s ex, visited her when the kids were at school, which was a surprise.

‘What do you want?’ she asked. He always wanted something.

He asked for a cup of tea, but she knew that there was something bigger. Lisa gave him a chipped mug. It wasn’t as big a crime as him running off with the Big Breasted Woman, but it was something. She hoped he noticed. He dipped his biscuit and drank his tea. Then he gave her a booklet.

Right away Lisa was worried. The last papers he’d given her were divorce papers.

‘What is it?’ Lisa asked, sulkily.

‘Some information about local night classes. There are lots to choose from: computer studies, sewing, cake-decorating, foreign languages. I thought you might be interested. You could do with a new challenge,’ said Keith.

‘Don’t you think bringing up three kids on my own is challenge enough?’ Lisa asked, crossly.

‘Helen learnt all she knows from a night class on textiles,’ said Keith.

Lisa knew the Big Breasted Woman studied textiles at some poxy night class. Keith had told her a million times. Lisa wanted to make a joke that Helen did have talents involving textiles such as cotton sheets. And that Helen probably did learn these talents in the night. His affair proved that. But Lisa resisted. She’d sound mean. Keith brought the worst out in Lisa – she was often angry around him.

Lots of things about Keith annoyed Lisa. One was that in the years they were married, he plodded along in his job at Carpet Land. He made an OK amount of money working on the sales team on the shop floor. Lisa and Keith had a pretty, but small, house. They went on a week’s holiday every year to Spain or Greece. Their kids wore the ‘must have’ trainers that they wanted. Lisa and Keith managed. They had a nice enough, normal enough life.

Two months after leaving Lisa, Keith packed in his job at Carpet Land. He set up an interior design company, if you please! Of course it was the Big Breasted Woman’s idea. She said there
were lots of people who would pay loads of money just to be told where to scatter their cushions. Lisa was amazed by his cheek. Yes, the man knew about carpets, but that was
it.
He had never so much as held a paintbrush. Or a loo brush. Or a dustpan and brush, come to that.

But suddenly Keith was telling people about candles and colours. He told them how important it was to have a warm and welcoming hallway. He told them to buy fresh cut flowers. Lisa only had plastic ones. Keith had bought them for her about ten years ago. He’d said plastic were better, because you only had to buy one bunch in a lifetime. He’d changed his mind about that and many other things.

Last year Keith and the Big Breasted Woman had bought a five-bedroom house. They went on
three
holidays! Lisa and the kids had a week in Dorset. It rained every day.

Thinking of Keith’s happiness made Lisa cross and bothered. How dare he come into her house and tell her she needed a challenge? Keith reached for the last biscuit on the plate and bit it. Lisa grabbed the biscuit out of his hand.

‘I think you should go now,’ she said.

Keith stood up. At the door he turned to Lisa
and said, ‘Your curtains are old-fashioned. You should get some new ones.’

Lisa only just resisted beating him to death with the TV remote control.

When the kids got home from school, they saw the booklet about night classes that Keith had left behind. They said their father’s idea was a good one. Lisa felt hurt that they agreed with him, but she couldn’t say so. She would look childish if she did.

‘It’s good to exercise your brain. You owe it to yourself,’ said Jack.

‘You should do a course in accounts, Mum. Accountants are always minted. Every girl needs to have her own money. You can’t rely on anyone, least of all men, to pay the bills,’ added Kerry.

Lisa remembered saying these exact words herself. So it was hard to argue. Lisa spent a lot of time telling the kids that education was very important. She said education would help them find a happy future. She really believed that.

She didn’t always believe the things she said to the kids.

She told them things that she
wanted
them to believe. She wanted them to believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. It was a good way of getting them to behave. Lisa also told
her girls that boys would like them
more
if they
didn’t
wear padded bras and lip-gloss. Again, she thought it would be a good way of getting them to behave! Sadly, they didn’t believe it either.

But they must have believed what Lisa said about education, because they said it back to her now.

‘But I like my job. I don’t want to retrain,’ said Lisa.

‘What do you like about it?’ asked Paula.

‘I enjoy chatting to the customers. I know that the overalls I wear to work aren’t high fashion, but they hide my bumps and lumps and don’t need ironing. That’s important, because you cannot think how many times I smear or slop in a working day,’ said Lisa.

The children stared at their mum. Lisa wondered if she had a large L for loser just above her head. Her children looked at her as though she had.

Lisa called Carol. Carol said. ‘Well, I agree with Keith and the children. You could do more with your life.’

‘But I’ve never wanted a high-flying job,’ said Lisa. ‘I’m happy at the café.’

‘So you say.’ Carol didn’t sound as though she believed her.

‘Why the sudden interest in my job?’ asked Lisa.

‘The kids are probably embarrassed by what you do now/ said Carol. Lisa thought that maybe
Carol
was embarrassed by her job.

Carol talked to their mum. Then their mum telephoned and said Lisa should do a course on flower-arranging. Cross again, Lisa pointed out that no one ever bought her flowers. No one ever had!

The doorbell rang.

‘That will be Mark, I have to go/ said Lisa. She was glad of the excuse to get off the phone.

‘Doesn’t he have a key?’ asked her mum.

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’ve never given him one/ said Lisa.

‘Why not?’ asked her mum again.

Lisa hung up.

Mark and Lisa were not ‘seeing’ each other that night. It was not a date. Mark had popped by to look at the leaky tap in the bathroom. It only took him a minute to fix the drip. Lisa told him about her day and everyone wanting her to do a night class.

‘Maybe I should do a course in DIY. Then I wouldn’t have to call you for help every ten minutes,’ joked Lisa.

‘Good idea,’ said Mark.

Lisa froze. Was Mark fed up with fixing things in her house? And did that mean he was fed up with her? She signed up for a DI Y course, just in case Mark was planning his exit.

4

17 September

Lisa was worried about starting the DIY course. The only tool she knew how to use was a corkscrew. She was also worried she wouldn’t even be able to find the college. Lisa didn’t like to drive or catch a bus to anywhere new. She didn’t like change or new things very much at all.

Carol said she must ‘face her fears’. Lisa’s biggest fear was arguing with her big sister. But she couldn’t say this, as it would have led to a row. Clearly, facing her fears wasn’t Lisa’s thing.

Mark said he’d drive Lisa to the college. Maybe he was being kind. Or maybe he was just very keen for Lisa to do the DIY course. Was he was sick of her depending on him? Lisa thought she’d been very wise not to get too involved with Mark. OK, so she liked him a lot. But no one would ever guess, she’d never told him or anyone else. What was the point?
Keith had proved there was no point. It was best to keep things casual, like John did with his women.

‘Thanks, dude,’ said Lisa.

Mark gave her an odd look. There, now he’d know she wasn’t serious about him! If she’d been serious about him, she would have said, ‘Thanks,
partner.’

Lisa made tea for the kids. Kerry was out somewhere. She had a new boyfriend. Lisa wanted to meet him. But Kerry said that was ‘too heavy’. So Lisa hadn’t met him yet. Lisa called Kerry on her mobile and made her promise she’d be home by nine.

Lisa had asked her brother John to sit with Paula and Jack. Paula was cross and hurt. She pointed out that she’d be thirteen in ten days and was more grown-up than her uncle. As she said this, John was rolling on the floor, fighting with Jack for the TV remote. They couldn’t agree on which violent cartoon to watch.

‘You’re right. Make sure your Uncle John cleans his teeth before he goes to bed,’ said Lisa.

On the way to the night class Lisa snapped at Mark. She was sure he was going the wrong way.

‘We’ll hit the teatime traffic. We’ll be late,’ she said. Then she added, ‘Dude.’ She wasn’t
sure she’d managed to sound casual. Stressing about traffic wasn’t casual.

Mark stayed calm. ‘Put the map away. I know where we’re going. We have plenty of time,’ he said.

Lisa tutted – she didn’t believe him.

They got to college in ten minutes. They were early. Mark did not say, ‘I told you so,’ which was wise because Lisa was too nervous to be proved wrong.

He bought her a cup of coffee from a machine. It didn’t taste very nice but Lisa didn’t dare moan. He stayed with her until it was time for the class, and then walked her right to the door. He really was keen for her to take this class! He smiled and waved as though everything was fine. Lisa couldn’t agree. She was so nervous that it was hard to put one foot in front of another. She completely forgot to call, ‘Bye, dude.’ She was a DIY virgin about to be sacrificed.

The tutor arrived and said everyone had to say who they were and why they were there. Someone made a joke about signing up for a DIY course, not philosophy. The tutor glared at the joker. He didn’t like chat in his classroom. Lisa was happy with that. She didn’t plan to make friends. Chatting with anyone would
show her up as a complete nuts-and-bolts beginner. The shame! And she was a divorcee. Double shame! People would think that she was there because she didn’t have a man in her life to hang pictures, which was not true. She had Mark. But for how long? Not for ever because there’s no such thing.

Sometimes Lisa wondered why Mark was with her at all. She knew that the media were always saying women in their forties were still sexy. But Lisa was no Liz Hurley. Lisa was not much like Nigella Lawson or Carol Vorderman either. Lisa thought about celebs she might be like. She decided she was like Lassie. A bit of an old dog, in need of a haircut. But her bark was worse than her bite.