Happy Families (3 page)

Lisa tried to put Mark out of her mind. Thinking about him made her nervous. Her tummy flipped. Was it happiness or fear?

Lisa looked around the room. She was pleased to see that the class was full of women. Some were pretty young things who wanted to be independent. Others were not so young. They were less likely to have a choice.

Lisa learnt the difference between screws and nails. It was something. It wasn’t as hard as she had feared it might be. You just had to follow instructions. It was like reading a recipe.

At the coffee break a smiley woman told Lisa that custard creams were her favourite biscuits. Lisa didn’t think this could be true when you could buy Hobnobs. The lady was just trying to chat. Lisa gave the lady her custard cream and asked her if she had any kids. The lady looked just like Lisa (size fourteen, big hips, no boobs), but she had earrings, lip-gloss and a good haircut. Therefore was like Lisa but sort of sexier, sort of better. Lisa wondered if she should visit a hairdresser. For the past ten years Lisa’s mum had snipped away at her split ends.

The sort of sexier, sort of better woman was called Gill. She turned out to be a cheery divorcee.

‘I’m well shot of my ex,’ said Gill with a big grin. ‘You’ll understand that, Lisa.’

Lisa hadn’t thought that being without Keith was a perk, but faced with the direct question, she couldn’t deny it. Gill gave Lisa the number of her hairdresser. Then she made a cheeky comment about the ‘total hunk’ who was hanging around outside. She meant Mark!

Lisa didn’t think of Mark as a total hunk. But looking at him now, it was as if it was the first time she’d seen him. She noticed that Mark was a fit thirty-seven-year-old. He had strong arms because his work was manual. He always
had a tan because he liked to be outdoors. Somehow he found sun in England. The mix of the tan and the muscles made him stand out from other men. Most people Lisa knew were pale and run down. But Mark was also losing his hair a bit at the front and he had a very small rounding of the tummy. Lisa was glad. A full mop of hair like Tom Cruise, or a six-pack like James Bond, would have scared her.

Lisa went outside the classroom to talk to Mark. ‘What are you still doing here?’ she asked.

‘I thought I’d stay close by. Just in case you didn’t like the class and wanted to go home early,’ said Mark.

‘I’m not giving up that soon!’ said Lisa.

‘I hoped not, but I was, you know, a bit worried about you.’ Mark looked a bit red in the face, not very casual at all. ‘Anyway, Kerry’s just called. She wants a lift. I’m going to pick her up now if you are OK. I’ll be back here for you later.’

Gill winked at Lisa and said, ‘Lucky cow.’

It was nice for Lisa to think sexy Gill was a bit jealous of Lisa’s boyfriend, partner, dude – whatever Mark was.

After the class Lisa found Kerry waiting with Mark. She was surprised. She’d thought Kerry
would want to go straight home, not wait around for Lisa. It was clear that Kerry had something on her mind. It wasn’t often that she chose to hunt out her mum to spend time with her. After all, they invented TV years ago.

‘Do you need your pocket money early?’ asked Lisa.

‘No.’ Kerry sounded hurt at the suggestion that her reasons for coming to see her mum were selfish.

Mark said he’d bring the car round to the front and meet them there. He was giving them space.

‘How was your date?’ asked Lisa.

‘It wasn’t a date,’ said Kerry. She turned pink. ‘People don’t date in this millennium. We hang out together.’

Lisa knew for a fact that people did still go on dates. She’d read it in her magazines. People like her and Mark might not date, though. They’d had to do their dating over fish-finger teas and kids’ homework. But other people definitely dated. Lisa didn’t say so, though.

‘So how was the hanging out?’ she asked.

‘OK,’ muttered Kerry.

Lisa would have left the conversation there. She didn’t often expect much more than the odd word when she was talking with her kids.
But she happened to glance at Kerry. Kerry had two spots of red on her cheeks and she was blinking back tears.

‘Did you have a row?’ asked Lisa. She wanted to sound patient. A teenage row was nothing on the grand scale, but for Kerry it would be the end of the world.

‘Yes. He’s hanging out with Chloe Jackson now,’ said Kerry.

‘Oh, love, I’m sorry,’ said Lisa. She tried to put her arm around Kerry but her hands were full with large textbooks and a drill.

‘I’m not,’ said Kerry. But Lisa wasn’t fooled. They spotted Mark’s car and got in without another word.

Oh drat, thought Lisa. There was one thing worse than not being needed: being needed and being no help.

5

27 September

Paula was officially a teenager. She had been acting like one for years. She had sulked, slammed doors and worn short skirts for a long time, but still, it was an important day.

Paula was happy with the earrings and new top Lisa had bought but said Keith had promised her an iPod. Lisa didn’t know what an iPod was but she knew it cost a lot. Lisa was cross with him for being able to outdo her, but happy that Paula was going to do well out of it. Nothing was ever simple for her now. Kerry gave Paula a CD. It didn’t come with a smile. She was still heartbroken about that boy hanging out with Chloe Jackson. Jack handed over a book token (that Lisa had bought).

Paula spent ages in the bathroom and came out wearing loads of make-up. She looked like someone off an MTV pop video. Lisa sighed and felt old. She didn’t have the heart to row
with Paula on her birthday, so she pretended not to see.

Lisa had invited all the family for tea. She didn’t think they would all say yes, but sadly they did. John said he’d bring a date. That was thirteen to feed and seat. Oh dear! Matters were made worse when Paula asked if she could invite her dad. Lisa wanted to say no but spat out ‘yes’. Then Keith invited the Big Breasted Woman and his parents. Lisa hated herself for saying, ‘The more the merrier.’ She meant to say, ‘Get stuffed.’

Lisa had planned to pass around a plate of sausage rolls and some egg sandwiches. She changed her mind, now that the Big Breasted Woman was coming. She went to Marks & Spencer and bought their great party packs of food. She nipped to Argos and bought two new tea-sets because she didn’t own enough matching plates. She panicked as she passed the newsagent, and bought a bumper pack of streamers and balloons. Paula’s teenage tea party cost about the same as Lisa’s wedding reception. At this rate Lisa thought she would have to sell a kidney to pay for Kerry’s twenty-first.

Lisa called Gill from the DIY class. It was on
the of f chance. They didn’t know each other well yet, but Lisa thought they would be good friends, given time. And Lisa would need a friend at this tea party. Besides, her family were always better behaved in front of guests.

Lisa’s mum and dad arrived first. John and his lady arrived next. Lisa didn’t bother to learn her name. Like all the rest of John’s girl-friends, she was nice, happy and hopeful. But it wouldn’t last – a week or ten days at the most. John gave Paula a bottle of sparkly wine. Paula shouted, ‘Wicked.’ Lisa shouted, ‘No way,’ and quickly took it off her.

Carol and her family turned up with a big present. Then Gill arrived into the chaos. Keith and the add-ons arrived next. The Big Breasted Woman looked wonderful. She exercised a lot. Her credit card, that was! It was always being used. She had expensive hair, clothes and maybe even plastic surgery. Lisa wished she’d put on some lipstick. She was still red and sweaty from blowing up party balloons – not a great look.

Paula opened her gifts. Then the kids went up to their bedrooms to play noisily. The adults sat in the front room in silence. Everyone, other than Keith, seemed to know that this modern way to divorce (all one big happy family) was
difficult to manage. The old way (never speaking again) would suit Lisa fine.

It did not feel like a party. More like a funeral. Keith’s parents often slagged off the Big Breasted Woman to Lisa. They also slagged off Lisa to the Big Breasted Woman, so they were tense. Lisa’s mother shot Keith’s mother evil looks. She hadn’t forgiven her for going to the Big Breasted Woman’s wedding. Carol talked loudly about the dangers of cosmetic surgery. She stared meaningfully at the big breasts. Only Gill and John chatted happily, but even that upset John’s date.

Lisa was worried about the bite-size flans that were part of the party pack from Marks & Spencer. They smelt a bit funny. Carol sniffed them and took a bite. She pronounced them delicious. It was impossible to argue. Lisa offered Keith a beer. The Big Breasted Woman said he never drank out of cans (a lie). Lisa offered her a wine.

‘I don’t drink sweet wines,’ she said. Neither of them touched Lisa’s spread. ‘We’re going on to a really good restaurant, later,’ said the Big Breasted Woman.

Lisa wondered whether a judge would understand if she used a small strawberry flan to batter the Big Breasted Woman to death.

The hands on the clock seemed to be going backwards. The doorbell rang. Lisa was surprised to see Mark – she’d forgotten she’d invited him. She hadn’t thought he’d come to a boring teenage party. Surely he had better things to do with his time? She’d only thrown the invite out at the last minute. But here he was.

Kerry, Paula and Jack ran down the stairs. They were so pleased to see him. Mark marched into the front room with a crate of expensive bottled beer and four bottles of champagne.

‘I know Paula can’t actually enjoy this but we’ll toast her and she can keep the cork,’ he said. He winked at Paula and passed her an envelope. ‘This
is
for you to enjoy though.’

‘Tickets to a Mika gig!’ She squealed and hugged him. ‘That is just the coolest. Thank you!’

Lisa stared at Mark, unable to hide from the fact that his arrival had got the party going. When she said so to Carol, Carol shrugged and said, ‘It always does. Haven’t you noticed?’

No, she hadn’t noticed. She hadn’t given it much thought.

Back in the living room, things were more relaxed. The kids had all come downstairs to stay, happy to be around Mark. Even the Big
Breasted Woman had a smile on her face. Was she trying to pretend to be a nice human being? Well, she could try all she liked. Mark knew better. Lisa had spent many months telling Mark what a horrible person the Big Breasted Woman was. He wasn’t going to be fooled by a flash of white teeth and cleavage. He had more to him than that. Mark wasn’t a white teeth and big boobs sort of man. He couldn’t be, he was with Lisa. Her teeth were greyish. The result of a 1970s childhood and NHS dentists. And her cleavage was nonexistent. Her nickname at school had been ‘Ironing Board’, she was that flat.

Lisa was handing out glasses of fizz and plates of pastry. The phone rang. She shouted for Paula to answer it.

‘It will be for you, Paula. Someone wishing you happy birthday.’

‘Like who? Everyone we know is here,’ said Paula. She didn’t want to have to move from in front of the TV.

Kerry suddenly appeared from nowhere. She snatched up the phone handset, went into the downstairs loo and closed the door with a firm bang.

‘All back on with the boyfriend, I guess,’ said Mark to Lisa.

‘I suppose so. She hasn’t mentioned anything.’

‘Teenagers don’t, do they?’ added Carol. ‘Now come on. Hurry up with that food. Dad thinks his throat has been cut, he’s that hungry.’

6

10 October

The party went well. All the food was eaten and all the drink was drunk and no one hit anyone or even threw any outright insults. A great success as far as a family party went. But things had gone downhill since then.

Lisa had had a very bad couple of weeks. It seemed unlikely that Kerry had made it up with her boyfriend. After an hour and a half she had come out of the downstairs loo looking weepy. When Lisa asked her what was wrong she said, ‘Nothing!’ But in a way that meant
everything.
And Paula was a teenager now too, which is never good news for a parent. Jack had been picked for the school football team. This
was
good news, but Lisa had fallen asleep while watching the match on Saturday. He hadn’t forgiven her for missing his goal. His cold angry silence was different from the girls’ noisy rows, but still awful.

Lisa rang Carol and confessed to falling asleep on the sidelines.

‘Are you ill?’ asked Carol.

Carol was never ill. She said she hadn’t got time to be ill. She also hadn’t got time for people who were ill. She didn’t say so – she didn’t have to. Her actions spoke louder than words. When Carol’s husband broke his arm last year, she said he’d done it on purpose to get out of painting the front room. Except that Carol called the front room a lounge now. If Bill had slipped on ice and fallen under a moving bike on purpose it didn’t work. Carol made him paint with his left hand. Being ill was a weakness as far as Carol was concerned.

‘I have been feeling a bit off,’ said Lisa. ‘I think I have a tummy bug. I’ve a temperature. It comes and goes.’

‘Never heard of that,’ said Carol. And because Carol hadn’t heard of it she meant it didn’t exist.

‘I’ve been feeling really sick and I’m washed out. I haven’t the energy to deal with moody kids.’

‘It’s the Change,’ said Carol. She sounded pleased to have solved the mystery.

‘I beg your pardon?’ said Lisa. She was not pleased with this idea at all.

‘You’re menopausal. Hot flushes and tiredness are signs. Plus you’ve been really moody recently. You say the kids are moody, but you’re far worse,’ said Carol.

Lisa was not sure if this was true. But she was not sure if it was untrue either. Last night, watching TV with Mark, she had cried at an advert that had kittens in it. They weren’t being mistreated. They were being fed on the brand that eight out of ten cats prefer. She
was
being more than a little emotional. She was confused about so many things.

The children growing up and not needing her was a worry. What would she do with her life after they’d all left home? And what was the matter with Kerry? Shouldn’t she be over her heartbreak by now? It had been days now, and she was a teenager – she should have moved on. Lisa couldn’t think that the DIY course would lead her to a new career. Besides, she didn’t want a new career. She liked her old one. She liked being a mum. She quickly added up how many years it would be before she was a granny. At least another ten. It was too long. Yet at the same time she wasn’t anywhere near ready to be a granny!