Harder (20 page)

Emily leans forward, puts a hand on either side of my head. I wince and pull my ponytail out from underneath her.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Just be careful.” It’s already really unromantic.

“Okay.” Emily leans forward. Closer, closer. Her lips are so close I can feel her breathing. Her breasts press against my chest. I bring my hand up around her waist, and one to the back of her head. Her lips hit mine at an awkward angle, then I adjust and settle in.

It’s…warm. But it’s a warmth that isn’t building. I’m not excited. I’m not into it. She’s not giving up. I open my eyes, and watch her. Hers are closed, so I close mine again.

I put my hands on her shoulders and pull her gently away. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. Me too.”

“I just, why do you even like me?”

She flushes and looks away for a moment. “I don’t know. You’re cute. You’re buff. You’re nice to everyone. You’re tall. You’re really protective. You saved my life.”

“That was my job.”

“I know, but it was still kind of romantic. I don’t know. I’m nineteen, and I should be more practical, but it was romantic to me. Made me feel like I was in high school again.”

“And that’s a good thing?” I raise an eyebrow.

She shrugs. “I don’t know. Life was less complicated then.”

Not for me. I mean it was okay, but I can barely wait to keep moving on. I don’t want to go back. Maybe that’s why I’m just not very attracted to Emily. Because it’s too stagnant for me. She’s not challenging. She’s too like me. She doesn’t push me.

I want to graduate college, and do more college. I want to get married, have a family. But I want it to always be an adventure. I want to keep growing, always learning something new, like I have over the past summer with Ally. It’s been hard, but it’s been my favorite summer so far.

I guess I like challenging. My life has been full of privilege, and Ally’s has been hard, and when we’re together I bring a little privilege into her life, and she brings a little challenge into mine.

My parents have always hammered it into me that we’re just lucky to have what we have, that we have responsibilities to others. Like them, I’ll probably always work, regardless of what I inherit or what’s in a trust for me. I’ll always try to give back to the community. But Ally makes me aware of even more need, even more ways to give back.

We could do a lot of good together. With her, I wouldn’t take things for granted.

But it’s not even that. It’s her hair, her laugh, her eyes, her smile. The way she punches people in the arm when she’s mad, the way she pulls her hat backwards to talk to you. The way she runs the deck better than anyone else while only paying half attention. The way everyone turns when she walks into a room because she has the confidence of ten people, or seems to.

“What were you thinking about?” Emily says, cutting into my thoughts.

“I’m sorry.” It’s rude to be thinking of Ally, when I’m here with another girl. Someone who has been patient and kind. I reach forward, brush hair out of her face and give her a kiss on the cheek.

“I hope we can still be friends, Emily.”

“I’d like that a lot.” She flushes and puts a hand to her cheek. “Gosh, why do you have to be so damn nice Ryan?”

“You swear?”

“Only once in a while. Like when I’m getting my heart broken.” She pushes herself to a standing position. “But I guess it’s time to move past childish crushes.” She reaches a hand out to help me stand. Her hand isn’t as pale as Ally’s. It’s strong and sturdy too. She’ll be okay.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” I say.

“I know, just. I was too shy in school.” She wraps her arms around and hugs herself. “To be honest Ryan, I always saw you in the halls. I thought you were so cute. I knew you worked here.” She gestured. “And I guess, I never had a boyfriend. Never did anything in high school, I guess I thought I’d give it one more try, before I transfer schools in September, when the school year starts.”

“You’ll find someone.”

“Yeah,” she says, sounding glum.

“I mean it, Emily, you’re a cute girl. Someone will be lucky.”

“Yeah, but I guess you never get over your first crush.”

“I’m in trouble then.”

“Ally’s your first?”

I nod. “I was probably even shyer than you in high school. I probably would have been scared to death of you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you, then.”

“Well, we’re friends now at least.” I follow her back to the car, and wait as she gets in and sits in the driver’s seat with a sigh. She has a Civic, a good conservative car. It’s not her fault it’s not blue, and a LeBaron.

“Are you sure? Like sure sure?”

“I am.”

“Will you let me know if you change your mind? We have a couple more months left.”

I smile. “Okay, if something changes, I’ll let you know.”

“All right. Have a good night?”

“I will. You too.”

I step back so she can pull out. As she turns out of the parking lot, she looks back to wave. I think I can see tears on her cheeks.

I sit in my car again. It’s dark, and I don’t want to go home yet. When I’m here, there’s always the possibility of seeing Ally. If I go home, if I go to sleep, I’ll have to accept everything. Accept that Ally doesn’t want me, that she’s right and we’re a bad match. I’ve already rejected Emily, so maybe I’ll be alone forever? How can we go back to being friends after what I said? I told her I wanted her, that I could make her happy, and she could make me happy.

Maybe it would take time, but I just can’t think that it will never work. I really believe we could be made for each other, the more I hang out with her. It’s stimulating.

But maybe I’m not stimulating for her. Because I’m just a boring virgin. Because I won’t sex her up. It’s not that I don’t want to. The thought of her in my arms turns me on. But maybe I haven’t shown her that. Maybe I haven’t been aggressive enough.

I pull out my phone, flip it around a few times, and open it.

“You there?” I text.

She doesn’t respond right away, so I set the phone on the seat and start driving. I want to see her in person, talk to her about what happened today. Make sure everything isn’t ruined. My phone goes off again as I pull up to her building.

I flip open my phone.

“Sorry, can’t tonight. Something came up.”

Oh. What would come up right now? She probably just doesn’t want to see me. I can’t blame her. I said mean things, things I can’t take back because they were true. She did embarrass me. But I can apologize at least, if she’ll just let me.

I climb the dirty steps up to Ally’s floor. My footsteps echo in the quiet night, and the cement walls are eerily semi-lit by moonlight.

Ally’s door is on the right, and I check my phone once more before knocking. I shouldn’t be here this late. I should have stayed with Emily and tried to see what Ally sees about her being right for me. I should be home doing class work, helping my dad with ideas for class on Monday. But I just…I’m here.

I shove the phone back into my pocket and knock on her door. Maybe she’s asleep, but I doubt it. Voices inside. Maybe the TV is on. Sounds like a guy. My heart is doing a weird, sinking thing in my chest, and I rub it. Someone’s close to the door, I can hear the deadlock pulled back, and I suddenly want to turn and run.

Ally pokes her head through the crack in the door. I can’t see around her. I slam my hands in my pockets.

“You didn’t answer my text.”

“Oh,” she says. She bites her lip and looks behind her, then back to me. “Sorry Ryan, I’m a bit busy.”

“Can you talk for just a second?”

She sighs and pushes through the door like she needs to keep it as closed as possible, like she’s trying to hide something from me. She sits against the wall by the door and I join her.

“Is someone there?”

She blinks, and presses her full lips together. I came here to kiss her senseless, but it’s hard when I feel like she’s hiding something from me.

“You can tell me Ally. We’re friends, right?”

She folds her arms and rests her chin on her arms. “I can’t. You’ll think I’m stupid. I can’t tell you.”

“I won’t think you’re stupid.”

“You will. Anyway, we can talk for a minute. What did you want?”

Her face is pretty, her skin pearlescent in the moonlight. I slip my hand to the back of her head and pull her towards me. She lets me pull, closes her eyes and tilts her head up to mine. I put my lips over hers, nice and slow, until I settle against her and she sighs.

I rub my finger over the nape of her neck and she arches slightly against me. Her hair is soft, and her neck is slender. I tilt her head back and kiss the base of her ear, work my way up to the shell of her ear, and get rewarded with a small sigh. Her hand finds my belt loop and she pulls me closer. I move down to her neck, and she shivers a little, puts her other hand on my bicep and tries to pull me even closer. I keep my distance. I like where I’m at, being able to pull back and see her face turned back in ecstasy, her lips parting slightly as I run my hands over her shoulders and down to her hands and kiss along her collarbone.

I can’t believe we’re doing this outside in a stairwell.

I can’t believe she’s letting me. Just earlier today she was ready to hitchhike to get away from me, and now she’s melting in my arms.

She moves her hands to my back, and digs her hands in to my shirt. She feels small against me, and it makes me feel powerful and strong.

I just want to show her how much I care.

I like being gentle, and I’m surprised she’s allowing it. Our previous physical encounters have been so hard. I can’t believe I’m seeing her soft side.

“Ryan,” she says, pulling back, brushing hair out of my face. Her touch is electric against my cheek.

She’s my best friend now, the girl I’ve been crazy about since she moved here, and she’s in my arms. It’s unreal.

I know at twenty I’m supposed to be experienced, supposed to be hardened and sexual, but I’m not. I’m just not. I only know I care about her, and maybe I’m the type who only cares about one woman. Maybe there’s only one woman in the whole world for me.

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Ryan, we shouldn’t.” She leans forward again, placing her ear near my mouth and I take the invitation to take her earlobe in my mouth, between my teeth to gently pull on it. She gasps. “We shouldn’t.”

But she keeps her ear there for a moment, then leans her head back so I can reach her neck again. I kiss her there again and again, finding the spots that make her move against me, almost as if she can’t control it. Seeing her happy, seeing her pleased, it’s almost too much happiness for me to stand.

“I don’t even know why that feels so good,” she says, running a hand through my hair and holding my head. “It shouldn’t feel so good. So effing gentle. Why do you have to do everything your own way?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “I just do.”

“I mean, sometimes I don’t even think sex feels good. But I like it hard. I don’t like gentle.” She pulls on my head, pulling my lips again to her ear. I trail down to the base of her jaw, to the soft little spot where ear and cheek meet.

“But you like this?” I say, pulling away for a moment.

“Do you have to ask?” she says, pulling me back.

“No.” I smile and pull her against me, her body flush with mine.

“We really shouldn’t.”

“If you want me to stop, I will.”

“No, don’t stop.”

“Okay.”

I hold her tight.

Ally

This is so wrong. My abusive ex-husband is in the apartment behind me and I’m making out with my best friend in the hall.

If Ryan knew, he wouldn’t be acting like this. Wouldn’t be caressing me like I’m a treasure and kissing me in a weird soft way that lights me on fire. We’re just friends. It shouldn’t be like this. But then another lightning white shock goes down to my hip and proves me wrong.

Maybe this is why I got so mad when I saw him holding Emily’s hand on the beach. Maybe that gentleness that was so far away, maybe I knew it would feel this good all along.

I just want things to keep going without crashing. I want to work on schoolwork with him, and work with him, and go to lunch with him and eat his when he’s done and pretending he doesn’t want the rest so I can have it. I want to drive in his Mercedes and in Big Blue. I want to see his parents more.

But my reality is in the apartment behind me.

I knew Zach would find me. I knew it was a matter of time. Zach and I have so much history, of course he couldn’t let me go. Maybe I’ve always been strong for both of us and without me he can’t function. I don’t know what to do with him when he’s apologizing, saying he’s changed, that he’s been to therapy.

When he hugged me it was so warm and familiar. Like nothing had ever happened. And I couldn’t just throw him out on the street. We’ve always been there for each other. Being divorced shouldn’t change that.

Besides, he’s sober. As long as he’s sober he’s fine.

I’ll deal with him soon. Right now I just want to enjoy everything someone like Ryan has to offer and pretend I’m someone like Emily, someone who belongs in his happily ever after, someone who his parents wouldn’t be ashamed to call a daughter in law. What would a wedding even be like, with me having no family?

Zach is the closest thing I have to a family.

Ryan’s muscles bunch under my hands as he continues to drive me crazy with his slow, controlled movement. It’s utterly unlike any other way I’ve ever been kissed.

He brings his lips up to mine and settles them against me, calming the mood. It’s so warm, so right. I feel like I can feel something from him as we kiss. It feels heady, and erotic, but in a quiet, soft way.

I didn’t know just kissing could feel so good. I don’t know why it does. I thought kissing was just the pre-lude, not fun at all but something guys do so they can move onto the next step.

Now that I think about it, sex in general doesn’t seem that fun to me. But at least it makes you feel safe, makes you know the guy is only with you, at least for that moment. I guess sex with Zach always meant that he was mine, and not going to leave me. The first person not to abandon me.