Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (19 page)

10. Could I try to prevent this thing from
happening? What could I do?

11. Is this fear something I need to let go
of?

12. If I need to let go of this fear, what
might help me to let go of it?

13. Who could I talk to about this fear?

14. Can I reassure myself that it will be
OK?

15. Can I pray about this fear or turn it
over to God?

Chapter 20
–
Control

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won
by those who let it go.

But when you try and try, the world is beyond the
winning.”

-Lao Tzu

Sometimes our lives feel like a battle-zone.
We’re angry, we’re nervous, and we’re not happy with anything.
We’re smoking too many cigarettes or drinking too much coffee.
We’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work.

We can’t satisfy this hunger, because what we
want is intangible. What we’re looking for is control.

Unlike power, control is specific. We want
control over a particular situation in our lives. We wish we could
just press a button and get instant results. We want to be the
Wizard of Oz, sitting behind the curtain and throwing the switches
that make everything happen.

Why do we get so angry and depressed when we
feel like we’re not in control of our lives? Why does sexual abuse
so often lead to control issues?

Most of us wish we could have done something
to stop the abuse or prevent it from happening. I believe that the
root of our need for control lies within our desire to feel safe
and secure. We fear what will happen if we lose control.

Most of us try to avoid losing control
because we don’t want to feel powerless. We are disgusted with our
childhood, and upset that we couldn’t do anything to stop the
abuse. We hate feeling dependent on others, because feeling needy
as children made us more vulnerable to the abuse. At some point, we
stopped asking for help.

When we are floating in a sea of pain, grief,
and despair, it can take all of our strength just to keep from
drowning. At times like this, we may be tempted to turn to our
addictions and other compulsive behaviors.

Most of us try to avoid anything that is
negative, scary, or disappointing. We don’t really want the ups and
downs of life. We only want the ups.

The problem is that the harder we run from
our fears, the more they seem to catch up with us. The harder we
try to silence them, the more they cry out to be heard. Avoidance
is not a good strategy for life. Running away from life’s
challenges can actually keep us from ever gaining true wisdom and
happiness.

Some of the most powerful lessons in life
involve facing our fear and our pain. Moving through grief returns
us to joy. Resolving issues of sexual abuse helps us to develop
healthier relationships. Releasing pain often leads to freedom.
Conquering fear leads to courage.

There is something magical that happens when
we finally choose to face our fear. When we finally proclaim, “You
will not control me anymore.”

We can’t always avoid what we fear. When we
face our fears and take responsibility for our actions, we get
better at facing life’s challenges.

That’s not to say we should give up on our
goals. Only that we need to allow ourselves to experience both the
ups and the downs of life. We must be willing to learn from the
good times and the bad.

Exercise
20-1

Control List:

-Below is a list of the things people try to
control. Place a number between one and ten beside the top ten
things you wish you could control.

_____ 1. The impact of the sexual abuse on my
life

_____ 2. My financial situation

_____ 3. My job situation

_____ 4. My addiction

_____ 5. My significant other

_____ 6. My children

_____ 7. My parents

_____ 8. My friends

_____ 9. My sexuality

_____ 10. My health

_____ 11. My self-esteem

_____ 12. My social-life

_____ 13. Feeling safe

_____ 14. Feelings of stress

_____ 15. Feelings of powerlessness

_____ 16. Feelings of anger

_____ 17. Feelings of fear

_____ 18. Feelings of sadness

_____ 19. Feelings of depression

_____ 20. Feelings of low self-esteem

_____ 21. Romantic relationships

_____ 22. My living arrangements

_____ 23. My legal problems

_____ 24. My abuser or abusers

_____ 25. My weight

_____ 26. My confidence

_____ 27. Being loved

_____ 28. Feeling comfortable

_____ 29. Feeling spiritual

1. Fill out a control worksheet (printed
below) for each of the top ten things you wish you could control.
In the first column, write about the ways you cannot control this
person or situation. In the second column, make a list of the ways
you can influence this person or situation in a healthy way to make
yourself feel better and get more of what you want. Copy this
worksheet as many times as necessary to complete the exercise.

2. Have a conversation with the part of you
that wants to be in control. Ask it the following questions.

A) What is it you want to control?

B) What would happen if you lost control over
this person or situation?

C) How would you feel if you lost control
over this person or situation?

D) What might happen if you allowed yourself
to face your fears?

Control Worksheet

The thing I would like to
control is
: ________________________________

In what ways do I have no control over this
person or situation?

1. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

2. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

3. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

4. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

5. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

What are the healthy ways that I can
influence this person or situation to help me feel better and get
more of what I want?

1. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

2. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

3. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

4. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

5. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Chapter 21
–
Anger

“Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing
feelings too awful to

experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief, and
most of all, fear.”

-Joan Rivers

It is normal to feel angry when we have been
abused. Some of us express our anger by yelling and throwing
things. Others become manipulative, passive-aggressive, or overly
controlling.

Some of us try to become perfect. We work too
hard and push ourselves too hard. We become critical of our
appearance or belittle our accomplishments. We develop
self-destructive attitudes and behaviors.

Sometimes we direct our anger at the ones we
love. We become verbally or emotionally abusive. Other times, we
direct our anger at our bodies. We abuse ourselves with alcohol and
drugs or disregard what our body needs to be healthy.

Some of us express our anger by becoming
bulimic. We stuff ourselves with food and then throw up for fear of
gaining weight. Others become anorexic. We eat very little because
we are afraid of gaining weight or because we want to feel in
control.

Isolating ourselves or avoiding contact with
others is another way some of us express our anger. We try to
convince ourselves that we are unlovable.

Some of us repress our angry feelings or deny
that we feel angry. Anger builds up inside of us like steam inside
a pressure cooker. When someone says or does something we don’t
like, we blow up at them.

When we are not expressing our anger in a
healthy way, we lose control over our feelings. Have you ever lived
with someone who repressed their anger? You may have felt like you
were walking on egg-shells. No matter what you did, it was the
wrong thing to do. No matter how you acted, it was the wrong way to
act. No matter what you said, it was taken out of context and used
against you.

People with repressed anger are likely to
overreact. They refuse to take responsibility for their feelings,
so they may try to blame you for the way they feel.

I used to be in a relationship with a woman
who told me it was my fault she exploded with rage on a daily
basis. At first, I tried to figure out what I could do to make her
happy. But in the end, I realized that she was never going to be
happy. I realized that her anger had very little to do with me and
my behavior.

Abusers are typically very angry people who
are looking for someone to abuse. They want to find someone who
can’t defend themselves verbally, mentally, emotionally, or
physically. Abusers want to hurt another person so they can feel
powerful and in control.

Ultimately, abuse is a game. And what is the
goal of this game? To win. To feel powerful. To be in control.

Abusers believe they are powerful when we
feel weak. They believe they are absolved of responsibility when we
blame ourselves for the abuse. They believe they are in control
when we feel like we cannot tell others what they did to us. They
believe they are in control when we depend on them for the things
we need.

They believe they are powerful when we
believe their lies. When society blames us for the abuse and
families conspire to keep the secret. For all of these reasons and
more, abusers become addicted to feelings of power and control.

Our abusers attempted to fulfill their desire
for power in a very sick way. How can we make sure we never become
like them? How can we express our anger without hurting others or
ourselves?

Anger can fill us with energy and a strong
desire to act. This physical fight or flight response can be
triggered by memories of the abuse. We begin to physically shake
when we are feeling very angry, and we experience a rush of
endorphins.

For me, a good way to release this pent up
energy is through martial arts. I can yell and hit things without
hurting myself or anyone else. Becoming skilled at self-defense
improves my physical health and my self-confidence.

There are other ways to release aggression
without hurting others or ourselves. Go for a run or blow off steam
by talking to a good friend. Yell and scream when no one is around.
Write your angry feelings down in a journal. It is important to
express your anger in an active way whenever possible.

We all want others to respect us, but
eventually, we have to let go of the past. We need to release our
pain. As adults, we can leave abusive jobs and relationships. We
can avoid dangerous people and places. We have more control than we
did when we were being abused.

Yes, we were violated. Yes, we have every
right to feel angry. No, we are not going to hurt others or
ourselves.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Dealing With Violation

I’m angry about having been violated. There
is a certain amount of integrity I want to maintain, a certain line
I do not want others to cross. One of my boundaries is that I want
people to respect me sexually.

I don’t want people to make me do things that
are against my will. I don’t want to be overpowered. When I was a
child, I had no way to protect myself. There was nothing I could
do. I was at the mercy of my abusers.

It hurts when people violate my boundaries.
Sometimes I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about ever being able
to set healthy boundaries again. I become so angry with my abusers
that I end up violating my own boundaries and mistreating
myself.

The issue I struggle with is respect. I feel
so angry that I was disrespected.

I feel angry that people can violate my
boundaries whenever they want. What good are boundaries anyway?
What difference does it make whether I set healthy boundaries or
not?

If every boundary I set can be violated by
others, why bother setting boundaries at all? I can insist that
others respect my boundaries, but what if they don’t care? I wish I
could protect myself from harm, but in the end, nothing can protect
me from harm. I am vulnerable to the cruelty of others.

Sexual abuse happens. All I can do is try to
heal.

Personal Journal Entry

Entry #2: Anger About Violation

I have a will, damn it! I don’t want to be
violated and I don’t want to be sexually abused! I don’t want to be
taken advantage of! Why can’t people respect my boundaries? Why did
they have to exploit me? Why did they have to use my weakness
against me?

I deserve to be respected. I deserve
compassion. I deserve care. I deserve love. I do not deserve to be
abused!

Just because you can’t stop something from
happening doesn’t make it right! It’s wrong to violate another
person’s boundaries and exploit their weaknesses!

I’m so angry! Even God never stopped the
abuse. God never did anything to protect my innocence. No one ever
protected me from harm!