Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (17 page)

Our self-esteem improves when we nurture the
power within us. Without the strength that comes from self-love and
self-care, we might never develop the courage to reject the lies of
our past.

We are good people. It’s time to build
ourselves up physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so
that we have the strength to believe it.

Exercise
17-1

Refuting the Lies

Please read these statements out loud:

1. Abuser: “You are a bad boy/girl.”

Us: “No, I am good. I am a child of God.”

2. Abuser: “You deserve this.”

Us: “No, I don’t deserve your abuse. No one
deserves to be abused.”

3. Abuser: “You are a sexual object.”

Us: “No. I am a loveable human being. I am
not some object for you to use.”

4. Abuser: “You are powerless.”

Us: “No. I am strong. I can make my own
decisions about who I am and what I choose to believe about
myself.”

5. Abuser: “You have to do what I say.”

Us: “No. I don’t need you anymore. I needed
you as a child, and you abused my trust. Now I love myself, and I
will take good care of myself.”

6. Abuser: “What I’m doing to you is
okay.”

Us: “No. It’s not okay for you to abuse me.
What you are doing is wrong.”

7. Abuser: “You need to keep this a
secret.”

Us: “No. I will tell anyone I need to about
the abuse if it will help me to heal.”

8. Abuser: “You are weak.”

Us: “No. I am stronger than your abuse.”

9. Abuser: “I want you to be my victim.”

Us: “No. I will not be your victim.”

10. Abuser: “I’ll love you if you just do
what I say.”

Us: “No you won’t. You will continue to abuse
me.”

11. Abuser: “I’m doing this because I love
you.”

Us: “No, you are only using me.”

12. Abuser: “I am an adult, so I know better
than you.”

Us: “No. You are ignorant and cruel. Your
actions show me that you know how to abuse me, not that you know
how to love me.”

Exercise
17-2

Reprogramming ourselves

Repeat these statements as often as
necessary, processing whatever feelings come up:

1. Do I deserve to be yelled at? No. I
deserve to be treated with respect.

2. Do I deserve unhealthy criticism? No. I
deserve to be complimented on the things I do well and praised for
my positive qualities.

3. Do I deserve to be hit? No. I deserve to
be safe and free from harm.

4. Do I deserve to be raped? No. I deserve to
have my sexual choices respected.

5. Is it my fault that he/she raped me? No. I
didn’t do anything to deserve what he/she did. There is nothing I
could have done to deserve his/her abuse.

6. Is it my fault that he/she didn’t treat me
with love? No. I deserve to be loved. God created me, and “God
doesn’t make junk.”

7. Is it my fault that he/she didn’t support
me? No. I deserve to be loved and supported so that I can grow to
reach my full potential. I deserve to be encouraged.

8. Is it my fault that my abusers withheld
love and approval from me until I gave them what they wanted? No. I
deserved to be loved without accepting their abuse, approving of
what they were doing, or participating in their mind games.

9. Is it okay for him/her to abuse me? No.
Nothing can ever justify the way he/she treated me.

10. Did he/she have the right to abuse me
because I was his/her child? No. The opposite is true. A person’s
children deserve the best treatment anyone can receive.

11. Will I be the person he/she tried to turn
me into? No. I will heal the wounds of my past. I will take a
different path. I will find my freedom. I will treat myself with
love and respect. I will recover my pride, my dignity, and my
self-esteem. I will chart a positive course for my life.

12. I don’t have to agree with anything my
abuser did, said, thought, believed,

or tried to make me believe. I regain true
freedom when I regain my own thoughts, beliefs, and an
understanding that I truly am a good person.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: About Self-Esteem

One way to discover how I feel about myself
is by observing my thoughts when I’m alone. Do I enjoy my own
company?

I need love in order to feel good about
myself. I need love from myself, from others, and from God.

In the past, I tried to convince myself that
I didn’t need love. I intentionally shut myself off from the love
that I needed by isolating myself, avoiding others, or holding onto
negative beliefs.

Is my self-esteem improving?

Yes, because I’m not sabotaging myself
anymore. I’m fighting the “I don’t care” syndrome. The words “I
don’t care” are the opposite of self-love. What I will say instead
is, “I do care, and I’m going to do this for myself. If there’s
something I can do that’s positive and within my control, I am
going to do it.”

We can always choose to be good to ourselves.
We do have control over our own actions. We can take control over
our own thoughts. We cannot abdicate responsibility by claiming
that we have no control.

When we feel encouraged, we act in positive
ways. If we feel discouraged, we act in negative ways. But either
way, we are still in control of our actions and we still have a
choice!

Negative thinking can make us feel
discouraged. We may think to ourselves, “My actions have no effect
on the world. I have no control over what happens in life. I’m
angry, and I just don’t care anymore. I refuse to take
responsibility for my negative behaviors. I am going to abuse
myself, sabotage myself, and neglect myself.” Negative thinking
often leads to self-destructive, irresponsible behavior.

Positive thinking can make us feel
encouraged. Sometimes we think to ourselves, “I do have control
over my actions, so I will choose to love myself, support myself,
and take good care of myself. I care about the choices I make,
because I am responsible for my well-being. I’m happy that I have
control over my own behavior. My actions have a positive effect on
my self-esteem.”

It is possible to control ourselves. When we
release the world around us, embrace ourselves, and start taking
responsibility for our own behavior, we regain what is truly
important in life.

Exercise
17-4

Self-Esteem Affirmations

1. I love myself unconditionally.

2. I am a good person.

3. I deserve all the good things this world
has to offer.

4. God loves me, and He/She is pleased with
me.

5. I will reward myself when I do well,
support myself, and ask for help when I face difficulties.

6. I am a loveable person.

7. I deserve success in every area of my life
(relationships, work, and home).

8. The things I do are important to me, to
others, and to God.

9. I am a child of God, and “God doesn’t make
junk.”

Stepping Stones to Health

High Self-Esteem

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I feel terrible about myself.

_____ 2. I think I may have one or two good
qualities.

_____ 3. I like certain parts of myself.

_____ 4. I like myself in some ways, but I
wish I would take better care of myself.

_____ 5. I think I will take better care of
myself.

_____ 6. I have started doing things to take
better care of myself and treat myself well.

_____ 7. I think I deserve the good things in
life.

_____ 8. I like myself in some ways, but
there are still some parts of my personality or behavior that I
don’t like.

_____ 9. I am actively doing whatever I can
to build myself up physically, mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually.

_____ 10. I like myself more and more every
day.

Chapter 18
–
Powerlessness

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my
strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less
important whether I am afraid.”

-Audre Lorde

Abusers are motivated by anger, but their
true goal is power. Why do some people seek power over others? What
makes an abuser so angry that they are willing to hurt another
person? What makes us so angry that we are willing to hurt
ourselves?

Power is our ability to affect other people
and the world around us. It has been said that, “Power corrupts,
and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” But I disagree. Power, in
itself, is neither good nor evil. Throughout history, power has
been used to perpetrate acts of evil, but it has also been used to
accomplish incredible good. Some of the greatest figures in history
used their power to help others.

Control is our ability to make something
happen or get something we want. But there are other ways we can
affect the world around us.

Terrorists blow up buildings and kill
innocent civilians. While this may not give them control, they feel
powerful because they are able to affect the world in a very
visible way.

Some people try to substitute power for
self-esteem. They tell themselves, “If I can affect other people or
the world around me, that makes me important. Others will have to
deal with me.”

Yet feeling important and feeling good about
yourself are not the same thing. Real self-esteem comes from
believing you are a good person. In this world, good people do not
always have much power, and people with a lot of power are not
always good.

Sometimes we are faced with situations in our
lives that make us feel powerless. Situations where our actions
seem to have no effect on the world. We want to change our
circumstances, but we can’t. We wish we could change the way we
feel, because all we feel is pain. We wish we could influence other
people, but they refuse to change and they won’t stop abusing
us.

Feelings of powerlessness are frightening
because power is an essential component of free will. Without
power, there is no way to get what we need or what we want.
Powerlessness feels like screaming underwater. No one hears us and
no one cares.

Powerlessness can feel like weakness. In
nature, a lion gets what it wants because of its relative size and
strength. A deer is more likely to be eaten because of its relative
weakness. The natural, physical weaknesses we experience as women
or children can be exploited and used against us.

What were our abusers trying to gain? Abusers
feel powerful when they believe they are in control of another
person. By sexually abusing others, they wield a powerful ability
to affect another person’s life. For an abuser, feelings of power
come from controlling, influencing, and dominating a victim. They
feel powerful as a result of their victim’s relative weakness.

An abuser’s desire for power and control is
often an attempt to suppress deep feelings of weakness, pain, and
fear within themselves. The greater an abuser’s fear of his/her own
feelings, the stronger his/her desire for power and control.

There is a struggle within each one of us
between the part of us that wants to do the right thing and the
part of us that wants to feel powerful and in control. When a
person gives in to his/her lust for power, his/her morals only get
in the way. People cannot adhere to a strict, moral code of conduct
and continue to injure or exploit a defenseless victim.

All people experience a desire for power. Yet
different people express this desire in different ways. As addicts,
we drink, smoke, or slam drugs when we feel powerless. We abuse
substances in an attempt to feel more powerful or in control.

Some of us express our desire for power
through sexual addiction. Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a
strong need to feel in control of their sexuality. We turn to
prostitution or pornography to try and medicate feelings of sexual
weakness or powerlessness. We engage in sexual behaviors that make
us feel powerful and in control.

Many sex addicts avoid committed
relationships. This allows them to choose from a variety of sexual
partners, and to choose how often they have sex. Some sex addicts
feel that their addictive behaviors have restored their freedom of
choice in the realm of sexuality.

People turn to all sorts of compulsive
behaviors when they want to feel powerful and in control. These
patterns can include anorexia, bulimia, gambling, co-dependency,
overeating, or becoming a workaholic. Yet regardless of the
particular game we are playing, our objective is the same. We want
to feel powerful, be in control, or change the way we feel.

As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us
compromise our morals or personal code of conduct to gain feelings
of power and control, just as our abusers did. We try to justify
our self-destructive behaviors by claiming that, “I’m not hurting
anyone but myself.” But really, that’s not true. If we are actively
engaged in an addiction, we are hurting everyone who cares about
us.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we don’t want
to feel weak or powerless any more than our abusers did. Yet our
morals and personal code of conduct will not allow us to abuse
others in the same way that we were abused.

I visited Germany one year after the Berlin
Wall came down. West Germany was filled with expression and color.
The people seemed happy and free. East Germany felt gray, lifeless,
and depressed. The Soviet Union had never repaired the damage from
World War Two. Blackened, bombed-out buildings lined the streets. I
realized in that moment that freedom of choice is only meaningful
when we have the power to realize our choices.