Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life

Heal The Abuse
-
Recover Your
Life

By Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

For Meghan, whose death explained the
need.

(To order hard copies of this book,

please visit

www.thehealingplacestore.com
.)

(Please direct questions and comments to:

[email protected]
.)

Published by Jason Goodwin M.Ed. at
Smashwords

Copyright 2010, Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal
enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to
other people. If you would like to share this book with another
person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If
you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not
purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com
and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work
of this author.

Praise for Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

"With you, it feels like the emphasis is on
figuring yourself out.

It feels productive." - David V.

"The one-on-one's with you help the most.
You're great at breaking things

down to a grade-school level." - Greg J.

"I admire that you're willing to work through
your problems and life

situations." - John Q.

"You help me figure things out more. Every
time we talk, it's an

inspiration." - Josh H.

"This program has given me my life back." -
Ben S.

"I think Jason is really sincere, and I
believe he has my best interests

in mind." - Craig W.

"These one-on-one's have helped me the most."
- Walter B.

"I really like you. You're easy to talk to."
- Tim E.

"I got some insight from Jason about the
victim mentality that I've been

in for many years." - Ryan H.

"You seem like the kind of person who really
likes to help

people. You're the only person I know who has
that strong,

moral compass. I want to be more like you!" -
Chris B.

"I wish my sessions with Jason were longer,
because an hour just flies

by." - Jarret T.

"Thank you for making me feel comfortable.
You have a really calming

energy about you." - Sharon Z.

"You've been a breath of fresh air with how
much you care about your clients

and your organizational skills." - Joe B.

"I've heard from everyone that you're a
really good counselor."

- Lynn M.

"You're an awesome counselor. That's why
you're the first person

I called." - Phillip L.

"I'm just really impressed with Jason. He
really knows what he's

talking about." - David M.

"I've heard alot of good things about you." -
Lauri P.

"I brag about you alot." - Heather F.

"I picked you because you're focused. I can
hear you thinking. I

think you'll be good for my recovery." -
Robert C.

"At first you hate going to groups and by the
end you love

going." - Anthony S.

"I need to tell Jason what a great group
session he runs."

- Lewis S.

"I would change my school hours around to go
to Jason's group."

- Mike R.

"I feel so much better when I get out of this
class. This class

is the high point of my week." - John F.

"Keep up the good work, Jason!" - Kevin
K.

"I just want to say, thank you Jason." -
Jerry S.

"I would like to say that Jason Goodwin has
been so instrumental

in my progress. He is the only counselor that
I was able to open

up to and be 100% honest with. He has the
uncanny ability to make

you see who you really are without coming in
with an agenda to

distort who is at fault for all the poor
choices we make as people.

I am forever in his debt." - Dan T.

Table of Contents

1. Hope

2. Goals

3. Healing Techniques

4. Chemical Addiction

5. Sexual Addiction

6. Healing Sexual Addiction

7. Dealing With Pain

8. Relapse

9. Self-Sabotage

10. Body Image

11. Beyond Shame & Guilt

12. Depression

13. Grieving

14. The Inner Child

15. Deserving Love

16. Low Self-Esteem

17. High Self-Esteem

18. Powerlessness

19. Fear

20. Control

21. Anger

22. Betrayal

23. Trust

24. Forgiving

25. Values

26. Self-Care

27. Unhealthy Relationships

28. Respect in Relationships

29. Healthy Relationships

30. Staying Healthy

Introduction

Sexual abuse means being forced to give or
receive unwanted or inappropriate sexual touching, petting,
fondling, oral sex, or intercourse. Sexual abuse happens to people
of all ages, including children, adolescents, teenagers, adults,
and the elderly. It occurs within every socioeconomic class and
every religious group.

Some perpetrators of sexual abuse have a
known criminal history. Others serve our country in public office.
Perpetrators of sexual abuse have included men and women working in
the noblest of professions.

Doctors, dentists, lawyers, alcoholics,
addicts, neighbors, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands
and wives, parents, distant relatives, siblings, priests, janitors,
teachers, movie-producers, politicians, and total strangers. There
is no such thing as a stereotypical abuser in terms of profession,
socioeconomic class, standing in the community, relation to the
survivor, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation.

Sexual abuse often continues to affect our
lives and relationships long after the abuse has ended. Being
sexually abused is always painful, always destructive to our
self-esteem, and often difficult to heal.

If you are reading this book, you may
understand the gravity of this issue. For many of us, healing the
pain of sexual abuse is a matter of life and death.

I am an addictions therapist with a Master’s
Degree in Counseling and Human Services. I have worked with addicts
in the criminal justice system, as well as DUI and Drug-Court
offenders. I counsel teenagers and adults who are survivors of
sexual abuse.

But my most important qualification in
writing this book is that I was sexually abused myself. For this
reason, I understand these issues on a very personal level. My own
abuse has contributed to the format of this book in some important
ways. I have written the main body of each chapter from the
perspective of a counselor in recovery. At the end of each chapter,
I include journal entries from when I was personally working to
heal each issue.

There is a place to process whatever feelings
come up for you and write about your own experiences. Most chapters
end with exercises and a section called “stepping stones to
health.” This last section is designed to help you identify how far
you have come with the issues discussed in each chapter and assist
you in determining which step or steps you may need to take in
order to become healthy.

I have also included a “feelings table of
contents.” This section matches thoughts and feelings commonly
experienced by survivors of sexual abuse with the chapters where
those issues are addressed. Use the “feelings table of contents” if
you find yourself experiencing some difficult emotions and want to
turn directly to the chapters that may help you most in your time
of need.

Throughout the book, I use the term “we” when
referring to our collective experiences as survivors of sexual
abuse, but that does not mean I have personally experienced every
issue I discuss. Everyone’s story is different. I have
intentionally left out the details of my own abuse to help you
remain focused on your own issues and your personal healing
process. I would like the reader to know that my parents have been
very supportive of me throughout my healing journey.

Please make this book your own. Write in the
margins, make notes to yourself, and personalize it as much as you
like. Re-do the exercises and re-read each section as often as you
need to. Continue to work towards healing, whether that takes a
year or a lifetime. Agree with me, disagree with me, but get
involved and do the healing work. I hope this book will help you
identify whatever issues you still struggle with. I hope you will
make a commitment to overcoming them. After all, this work is for
you.

Throughout this book, I make occasional
references to God. It is not my intention to alienate agnostics or
atheists, and you do not have to believe in God to complete the
exercises. It is my deepest hope that you will use whatever
information you find to be a source of strength. Discard anything
that does not fit for you.

I urge you to take responsibility for your
own healing process. You will likely identify with many of the
issues presented in this book. Others will seem unfamiliar to you.
Your healing process is your own. No two survivors are exactly
alike. In the realm of sexual addiction, for instance, I believe
that men are more likely to view pornography, while women are more
likely to engage in prostitution.

It is not my purpose to condemn the
perpetrators of sexual abuse. Most perpetrators are survivors
themselves. They experienced the same, intense feelings of
powerlessness, shame, and anger that we did. Unfortunately, they
chose to repeat the cycle of abuse.

To break this cycle, we need to heal
ourselves and take ownership of our pain. We must vow to never pass
this pain on to others.

You may be wondering, “Am I ready to look at
these issues? Am I ready to face this?”

I can tell you that I never felt ready to
face the pain of sexual abuse. I chose to work on myself because I
was tired of moving from one unhealthy relationship to the next. I
was tired of feeling lonely and miserable. I was tired of being
stuck. For most of my life, I believed that I would never be able
to heal the pain of my past.

I have attempted to address the issues most
commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse in order of
ascending difficulty. The first three chapters focus on how to
approach this healing process. Chapter four begins the “real work.”
I hope you will move into the more painful subjects slowly and
carefully. It is important to address those deeper issues with
plenty of support from counselors, family, friends, and self-help
groups. It is important to remain safe during your healing
process.

Signs that you may be getting overwhelmed
emotionally include crying for more than half an hour, feeling very
depressed, experiencing recurring flashbacks or nightmares about
the abuse, increasing drug/alcohol use, or feeling an increased
desire to engage in other forms of self-destructive behavior.

Recovery is a process, not an event. It is
not realistic to believe that we can heal all of our issues in a
single day, week, month, or year. Healing requires patience and a
steady hand. It requires that we cultivate greater love for
ourselves over time. We need to develop a gentle way to deal with
our pain and our grief.

If you start feeling emotionally overwhelmed,
take a week off. Take some time to feel more centered and balanced
again. Do something that calms your nerves and reduces your stress,
like engaging in hobbies or getting lots of rest. This process will
still be there for you when you come back to it.

If you experience an increase in feelings of
depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
This may include seeing a doctor or psychiatrist who can prescribe
appropriate medication, or a counselor who can help you process
your issues.

A close friend of mine committed suicide
because she gave up hope and decided there was no way to escape the
pain. But I want you to know, there is a way to heal. There is a
way through the grief, the shame, and the doubt.

Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel
suicidal for any reason, or know someone who is feeling suicidal,
immediately contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or the police
to ensure your safety or the safety of the person involved.

Survivors often suffer from broken
relationships with themselves, with others, and with God. It is
possible to heal these relationships by healing the sexual abuse.
The key lies within each one of us. It’s time to unlock that
door.