Healing Faith (9 page)

"It is not wise to be out this late, Kate. Does Elder
Jonah know you are here?" he asked, and I could see the renewed
turmoil in his eyes.

I swallowed and shook my head slowly, pushing myself
back against the side of the porch as he took another tentative
step towards me in the dark. I could feel my heart racing, and my
breath struggled under his gaze.

"You could get lost in the dark, Kate. How did you
find your way?" he whispered, taking another slow step so that he
was a mere foot or so from me. His eyes continued to hold me there,
unable to move, or to think. I tried to calm my breaths, to will
myself to be brave.

He paused before me, his eyes holding me in place
with the raging uncertainty swirling in them. He really was
afraid.

Of me?

Or himself.

Run.

"The moon," I stammered, feeling the heat of him with
another slow step.

So close.

His breath tickled my forehead and blew at the stray
hairs that had come loose from under my head covering. I continued
to hold his stare until he leaned in, his eyes closing as his head
dipped slightly. My eyes fluttered closed at the intense heat I
felt against my temple when he sighed out softly, stirring the air
around me. I let my breath out slowly, only to inhale once more to
the scent of fresh soap and the scent of him. The soap I recognized
as what I had scrubbed his shirt with, but his scent was new.
Clean, and yet a hint of musk of a man that worked hard. Less
intense from every other time he had come close, but definitely
familiar.

Nathan.

My eyes opened to the soft pull of the plate from my
hands, finding Nathan's eyes downcast as he regarded the meal
before him. He licked his lips again in anticipation, swallowing as
if he were salivating. He had to be starved. The amount of work he
did in the day could not be maintained by breakfast alone. And as
he stood there, in only his undershirt and loose trousers, I could
see the effects of his struggling lifestyle.

His cheeks were a little thinner than they should
have been, tightly hewn muscles along his shoulders and arms, not a
measure of fat on him to speak of. He was trim and solid, all his
energy going towards the muscles necessary to work on his farm, but
not an ounce more. He could have been broader by the look of his
wide shoulders, but his modest living had forbid him that luxury.
He could easily waste away in the matter of weeks, if left to
continue to struggle on his own.

He took a step back, fingering the cloth that covered
his meal hesitantly; as if afraid to take the offering I gave him.
The indecisiveness appeared once more on his face, his mind clearly
battling on what to do. Would he deny it simply because I had
brought it to him?

"I should get back," I whispered, stepping to the
side to edge my way past him. My courage was failing and I wanted
to be gone from the strange pull he had on me.

I felt the heat of his hand wrap around my wrist
gently, so light it seemed to be just a brush of his fingers. But
the warmth flooded through me and I was lost in his deep eyes once
more as he drew close once more. His hand on me should have scared
me, but the gentle manner to which he held me put me at ease. Again
I felt an odd sense of being safe near him.

"Thank you, Kate. Your kindness towards me is too
much. I do nothing but offend, and yet you return with such charity
and selflessness. I only wish I could return it," he murmured,
looking away towards the darkness.

I turned towards him and touched his arm tentatively,
feeling his skin quiver under my fingertips and hearing his breath
intake with a stutter. When his eyes drew up to mine, there was
something there, something I could not quite discern. It was
something akin to longing.

"I’m happy to do it, Nathan. It is something I can
do, and not feel like an outsider in your world," I said.

He stepped away again, his hand falling away from me.
He let out another soft breath before looking off towards the
Berger house, nodding as if to himself. He was resigned again.

"You should go. You are an outsider, and it is not a
wise choice to sneak away, in your world or mine," he said and took
another determined step back towards his door.

I blinked at his words, feeling a deeper meaning to
them, even if he did not mean it as such. In that moment I was sure
he understood all too well. I would not be there for him because I
didn’t belong, and that no matter what we might feel, it was
something that could not be. Perhaps he understood more than I
did.

No matter the beauty of his poetry.

He understood and had better scruples than I to keep
a distance.

No matter what his eyes were saying as I watched him
take another step away.

"Good night, Nathan," I said and made to leave.

"A pleasant sleep, Kate," he replied in a
whisper.

I made my way back up the hill, glancing back every
few moments to see him still in the doorway, watching me as I
retreated. The plate of food in his hand was untouched even as I
lost sight of him when I descended the hill towards the Berger
house. I ran the rest of the way, a little frightened on my own in
the dark. Somehow I had felt safe as Nathan watched me climb the
hill. I let out a soft sigh of relief when I closed the door
quietly behind me, pulling my shoes off to sneak back up the
stairs.

I expected Jonah or Fannie to intercept me before I
reached the bedroom, but there was no one to greet me after my
excursion. I quietly closed the door to the bedroom and stripped
once more. But as I slid into bed and made to blow out the candle,
Emma's voice made me pause.

"Safe journey?" she whispered.

I smiled at her closed eyes.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied
softly.

She smiled but kept her eyes closed.

"Sunrise will arrive sooner than you wish it. You
will want to be rested for your second day. Perhaps we might have a
guest at breakfast tomorrow," she said, her grin widening when she
opened her eyes to regard my blush.

"Good night then, Emma. I'll never fall asleep with
you talking," I teased.

I blew out the candle and settled in, still too
confused to sleep.

I could still feel his hand on my arm, and the scent
I now associated with Nathan still lingered in the air around me. I
wondered if he was in his bed, with the freshly laundered sheets I
had cleaned for him, and if maybe he was thinking of me. Or would
he be up all night writing? Would I find a new poem in his home the
next time I cleaned? I was already thinking about next time. Would
I stay a little longer, just to see if he felt anything?

Would it matter? He seemed to know whatever
attraction there was simply couldn’t be.

But what if?

I let out a soft sigh when Emma interrupted my
thoughts in the darkness.

"Of course, we must explain how Nathan's plate
disappeared from the refrigerator."

"Will Fannie be upset?"

She was quiet a moment before responding.

"She will see God at work, not to worry. Pleasant
dreams, Katherine.”

"Pleasant dreams, Emma. And thank you."

I listened to her breathing slow, taking in the
summer quiet as I slowly drifted into slumber, with his soft voice
ringing in my head.

Nathan Fisher definitely had a hold on me.

I drifted off to the warm feeling of his touch on my
arm and the look of longing on his face as he watched me go. There
had to be something there.

I just had no idea if it was worth the leap to stay a
while longer.

I knew it was early.

It felt like I had just fallen asleep. I'd slept
poorly, the anticipation of seeing Nathan playing idly in my head.
The more I thought of him, the more nervous I became to see him at
breakfast. It would be the first time I would be able to interact
with him with others present. How would he act towards me?

Aloof? Distant once more?

I knew there was something there. The poem had said
it clearly. His soft touch confirmed he was just as drawn to me as
I was to him. Even when he retreated from me, I could see the want
in his face. It was something different than I had seen in Sean’s
face. It seemed a lonely and conflicted desire to not be alone
anymore. Not the lustful air Sean gave off.

The night had been spent wondering what it would be
like to stay and discover that gentler side I had seen in his eyes,
the same as Jonah towards Fannie. But I was learning that just
being attracted to someone did not permit you to pursue that person
in this community. And I was not just anyone.

I was an outsider. An English.

It would be wrong for me to pursue him, I knew. But
Emma pushed me to bring him his meal. Fannie smiled at the way I
blushed around him. Perhaps it was not so taboo to be interested in
the beautiful Amish man. As the precious few hours slipped away
from me, I thought about him more and what could happen.

What was I doing?

I would be gone in a day or two. They wouldn’t let me
stay.

This was nonsense.

But his touch, and his eyes on me confused me.

Round and round my mind whirled around deep green,
until my head ached and my eyes crossed and a small hand jostled me
lightly. My heavy eyelids slowly opened to the dim smiling face of
my sleeping partner. I knew I had to get up and start the day; milk
cows, feed pigs or whatever else they had planned for me. But the
bed was warm and I had just fallen asleep.

"I've drawn you a bath, Katherine. Come, before
Father sends us on some chore. You want to be fresh for today, and
the bath will wake you," she whispered, jostling me once more.

I fumbled getting out of bed, my legs asleep and sore
from all the walking the day before. Emma led me into the adjacent
room, a small bathroom with a claw foot tub and small commode. I
stripped and climbed into the tub, the water still warm. Instantly
I felt the aches and pains wash away, and I hummed in appreciation
over the healing water that smelled like delicate flowers. I
allowed myself only a short soak, not wanting to appear too
indulgent. I scrubbed my skin until it was pink, and dug into my
bag to find my favorite shampoo.

Clean and dried off, I slipped back into my room to
find a fresh dress lying on the bed. I got into it quickly,
beginning to finally understand the hooks before I pulled my hair
into a soft braid that I then wrapped around to hide it under the
cover. I hoped I had cleaned up well; it was difficult to know
without a mirror. Taking a deep breath, I quietly made my way down
the stairs and towards the kitchen.

We repeated the same chores as we had the morning
before, and I found I was gaining some expertise in milking the
cows. At least I sprayed the milk less out of the jug and more in
the jug, and Abigail lectured me less in how to do it, much to my
enjoyment. She was very friendly and always smiling, but her skills
far surpassed mine and I had to wonder when she had first started
milking cows.

I looked towards the hill that hid Nathan’s house and
tried not to be disappointed when I didn’t see him there. He didn’t
come for breakfast, much to Fannie’s dismay, and perhaps my own.
Hannah seemed to watch me over her glass and every time I glanced
her way, she would smirk and look away. I had to wonder if she had
seen me walk to Nathan’s the night before or if she suspected
something. Emma remained quiet about the missing plate, and Fannie
didn’t bring it up. Instead she instructed us on preparing foods
for the Frolic.

"We need to make some bread and desserts Katherine,
would you like to help me in the kitchen this morning?" Fannie
asked as I helped to clean up.

"I wouldn't know what to make. I like to make pie,
but I don’t know what you might like."

"I love pie! Oh will you, Katherine?" Abigail asked
loudly.

I looked from her to Fannie, pointedly ignoring
Hannah and her dramatic sigh by the sink.

"What kind of pies do you like?" I asked, wondering
if maybe I could make my Gran's apple pie.

Did they even have everything I needed?

Suddenly I was nervous to do what I loved best.

"The blackberry vines are bursting," Fannie said as
she pulled out ingredients from her cupboard.

"And we just picked some of the first apples from our
tree. Can you make apple pie? I will cut them for you!" Emma asked,
her eyes begging.

I laughed, the fears I had felt from earlier
beginning to fade in my memory at Emma and Abigail’s excitement. Of
course, Hannah knew how to break the camaraderie with a loud groan
and throaty laugh.

"Apple would be perfect. Very symbolic, Katherine. Of
course we can always go with cherry," she mused, closing her mouth
when she noticed Fannie's warning glare.

"That will be quite enough, Hannah! You can gather
the blackberries. Fill the bucket please," Fannie ordered and all
but shoved Hannah out of the kitchen.

I stood there, uncomfortable with the conversation
made over pie. I just wanted to help. There was no symbolism in
pie.

Emma pulled me out of my dark thoughts.

"Do not worry over Hannah. She is nervous about
starting her own life away from home. It is no secret she is not
one made for the kitchen," Emma said soothingly, and pulled me over
towards the sink.

"I just don't want to cause trouble," I mumbled and
swallowed hard at the thought of finding my own way back in my
world.

At least here, Hannah would have the support of her
family.

I couldn’t depend on my family save perhaps my
sister, who must be worried about me. I hadn’t been able to contact
her since she had sent me that warning text. My father would no
doubt be upset I had not surfaced.

And then there was Sean.