Healing Faith (33 page)

"It is too hot in there to stay for long, and so
loud," Emma complained as she snuggled into John when they sat down
beside us.

"Do you want something to drink?" John asked
softly.

She nodded and he stood back up, looking down at us
in question.

"Water?" I asked, and Nathan nodded.

"I will see what they have," he said and slipped back
inside.

"I doubt they will have anything without alcohol,"
Nathan murmured and pulled me close. He had leaned up against an
old post, allowing me to lean against his chest as he relaxed.

Emma tugged on the grass, her face downturned as she
contemplated what she had seen so far. I could tell the party did
not impress her. I thought again about Benjamin, and had to wonder
how he could choose this style of life over what he had at home. I
could only think the drugs must have gotten to him, and maybe his
obstinate father. Had his father pushed him away, by his insistence
in joining the community? Perhaps the drugs had been a great escape
from his father. Associating with an English girl, getting her
pregnant must have been the last straw.

The Bishop would surely see me as a threat if that
were the case.

I didn't see how I would ever be able to win him
over.

"This was not what I expected," Emma said softly,
tugging a large clump of grass out of the lawn.

I waited for her to continue, knowing she had much
more to say. She glanced my way and shook her head.

"I do not believe this is how you lived before you
came to us, Katherine.”

"No, not at all. Our parties are much like this, but
this isn't a good representation of how I lived, Emma. Is that what
you hoped for?" I asked, watching as she frowned and resumed
attacking the grass.

"I just thought that maybe it would be more fun,
having an expert with us. But you are not having much fun either,
are you? I like the dancing, but the music is so loud. It's nothing
like the music that Nathan listened to," she muttered.

I craned my neck to look up at Nathan to catch him
glaring at Emma.

"You listen to music?" I asked, curious as to why he
would listen to music.

It was not allowed. He scoffed and shook his head as
if to deny it.

"He has a radio in the barn. He used to sneak and
listen to it when he had to muck out the stalls," Emma said,
smiling.

"I do not listen to it anymore, Emma. It is not our
way," he replied stubbornly.

"I liked that music more. You could move to it
better. What did you call it Nathan? Oldies? I liked those better,"
she murmured and tossed another clump of soil off into the
dark.

I continued to look up at Nathan, hoping he would
explain, but he shook his head and looked off into the field, his
lips tightly pursed. It seemed Nathan still had a lot of mysteries
left untold, and with the knowledge that he had listened to a radio
made me wonder what other rules he had broken.

Or what rules he was willing to break.

I let out a soft breath and looked away from his
strong jaw, wishing for more modest thoughts.

John returned with bottles of water and sat down
again by Emma.

"What did I miss?" he said taking in Nathan's sour
face and Emma's bare patch of grass before her.

"We were discussing how this isn't like my old life,"
I said and took a long drink of my water.

"Well of course it is not," John said simply.

"What do you mean, of course it is not?" Emma said,
narrowing her eyes at him.

He smiled and wrapped his arm around her.

"Katherine is too soft spoken to be someone from this
part of her world. This is what you would expect from a wild party;
only she has better sense to stay out of it. Am I correct,
Katherine?" he asked, his eyes penetrating mine.

"You are correct," I said softly, smiling at his
perceptive eye. He returned my smile and tipped his drink to me in
a silent toast.

"So you asked me to come so that I could learn that?"
Emma asked in a small voice.

"I wanted you to see this was not the life for you,"
he whispered softly and leaned in to kiss her.

She laughed and smacked him playfully on the
shoulder, surprising him.

"I knew that, John! I thought perhaps maybe we could
just have fun here, on our own, without my father watching. I knew
I would not find this life better than ours. Why would Katherine
leave something better than what we have?" she asked, looking over
at me for confirmation.

I smiled and nodded, happy to see that she
understood.

"I do like dancing though," she quipped and pulled
John up again, giggling.

"Are you coming?" John asked us.

"I think we'll pass," I replied, grasping onto
Nathan's hand. "Maybe we'll go for a walk."

John raised his eyebrow and pulled Emma back towards
the barn, holding her close.

"Stay close, and do not get lost in the corn," he
said as he left, Emma laughing when she looked back to find Nathan
blushing.

I stood and offered him my hand.

"Want to take a walk?"

He stood and pulled me close, dipping his head down
into my hair.

"I would go anywhere you wish, Kate," he
murmured.

My heart stuttered at his words, wondering if in fact
he would go anywhere with me. Would he really follow me if his
world did not work out for me? I pushed that thought aside. There
was nowhere I wanted to be more than with Nathan.

I would go anywhere he would go.

Nathan grabbed the blanket and took my hand, guiding
me past couples on blankets trying to ignore the various degrees of
undress as we passed. The field drew near, and he walked beside it
for a few moments before he spoke. His voice was soft, and trembled
a little from his nerves.

"I do not want you to think I am presumptuous, Kate.
I came tonight because I knew Emma would be upset if you did not
come. But my reaction to you tonight on the drive might have you
assume I have other intentions.”

"You mean you don't?" I asked, intending on teasing
him.

His brow drew together and he slowed our pace until
he pulled us to a stop, taking both of my hands in his.

"I do not have expectations for tonight, Kate. Only
that you have a pleasant time, as well as we can here," he
whispered.

"I understand," I replied and looked down at the
ground.

"Did you have expectations?"

I let out a soft laugh; embarrassed that maybe I had
been expecting something more. I felt his fingertips brush my
cheek, tracing down until he could tilt my chin up to look up into
his searching eyes. I could see he was nervous, afraid to proceed.
He seemed to be asking what I wanted with his eyes.

I wanted too much.

"I was hoping for a kiss,” I whispered.

His eyes crinkled as he smiled and leaned in to kiss
me, softly at first. I moved my arms around him, pulling him to me
as the kiss deepened. He groaned into me when he felt my body press
against him, his body hard everywhere I touched. I felt his hand
move until he held my head, not wanting to break off the kiss, our
tongues exploring one another slowly. When we did break away, he
was panting and holding me tightly against him. This time he hadn't
pulled his body away when it reacted.

"I do not wish to go back just yet,” he whispered
breathlessly, his hand slipping down my back until it pressed
against the small of my back.

Maybe he did want more.

I pulled him into motion, closer to the corn and away
from the barn. He sucked in a breath and glanced back towards the
barn.

"John did not want us to go far," he said, a little
nervous.

"We won't go far," I said smiling. "Just somewhere a
little quieter, for a little bit, okay?"

He swallowed and nodded, following me closely into
the first row. I pushed ahead, the half moon guiding us farther
from the noise of the party until Nathan reached for me and pulled
me close, his lips moving to my ear, nipping it lightly.

"I do not wish to go too far," he groaned into my
neck.

I wasn't sure he meant into the corn or with me. I
stroked the back of his head, threading my fingers through the hair
there. He hadn't worn his hat, allowing me to feel his hair easily.
It had grown since I had first met him, becoming a little unruly.
He groaned at my touch and his hands clutched at me, one hand
moving down towards my back side, while the other moved up to
thread his own fingers through my hair at the base of my neck.

He let out a soft moan when he felt me pull away,
stealing my hands away long enough to toss the blanket to the
ground and pull the cover off my head. He watched with dark eyes as
I slowly pulled my hair free, letting it tumble down into his hand.
He tugged me to him and kissed me again, all hesitation gone from
his mouth as he devoured me, winding his hand into my hair. His
long fingers tangled easily, but I couldn’t care at the moment.

He lowered me onto the blanket, the heat of Nathan
beside me comforting as we continued to kiss. I tugged at him,
wanting more. His hand at my hip drew me closer; I wrapped my leg
over at his gentle guidance and there we were, closer than we had
ever been before. I moaned into his mouth and gripped him harder
when I felt him adjust against me, and still he wasn't close
enough.

With Nathan, I always wanted more. I had never felt
that with anyone before. He just felt right with me. He pressed his
body to me tighter, our bodies perfect for one another. Feeling
every part of him respond to me made me moan into his mouth. My
hands drifted, more sense memory of my past than anything else,
slipping down past his waist. My hand found what it was looking for
and slid with gentle pressure over the front of his pants, hoping
to give him a little relief.

Nathan groaned and for a brief second, pressed
himself against my hand before breaking away from the kiss
abruptly.

"I cannot. I am not…I want… we should not," he
stammered, rolling away and sitting up to scrub his head
roughly.

I sat up cautiously and touched him along the back as
it heaved from his breathing.

"Nathan, I’m sorry," I whispered. "I just got a
little carried away. I thought… Please, will you look at me?"

He shook his head and rocked gently, his arms wrapped
around his knees so he seemed curled into himself.

"I should not have let it go so far," he murmured,
still curled up.

“I’m sorry, Nathan,” I said again, mortified. “I just
thought I could ease your tension.”

He grunted and shook his head.

“You should not apologize, Kate. I would only
disappoint you.”

"You couldn't disappoint me," I assured.

He shook his head again and glanced my way.

"I will disappoint you with my inexperience. You
understand this more," he mumbled before clenching his eyes shut. I
sat there confused at his statement, trying to understand why
everyone thought I was more experienced, in anything. A number of
times this evening, I felt like they had expectations of me. Truth
be told, I was feeling more inexperienced with each encounter I had
with Nathan.

"Nathan, I don’t know as much as you seem to think,"
I said and touched him along his cheek, trying to get him to open
up.

"You have been with someone, Kate. You make me want
more, but I do not know how to do this as easily as you do. I feel
like I might burst, and I do not know how to ease it and yet one
touch from you and..."

"Nathan, look at me," I said, my voice a lot more
forceful than it probably should have been.

But I wanted him to know.

He glanced up at me, his eyes pained. I cupped his
cheek to hold his attention.

"Nathan, I feel the same things when I am with you. I
want to feel those with you," I said.

He sat up a little, covering my hand in his.

"You are my first, Kate. My first kiss, the first who
has made me want, the first to touch. You have a better knowledge
of these things. You have experienced this with," he stammered and
blushed when I pulled away abruptly.

"Why did you have to bring Sean into this?” I
whispered, struggling to fight back tears.

“I am sorry,” he said and reached for me as I stood.
I took a step back from him, wrapping my arms around myself
protectively.

“You all have assumed I am so worldly, but have you
considered that maybe I haven’t done all you think I’ve done?” I
asked.

He swallowed and held his hand out to me as he sat
there, but I had to make him aware of my past- fully.

“Nathan, Sean and I dated for almost two years, and
most of that I was terrified to give anything of myself to him.
Believe it or not, I believed in giving myself to someone I loved,
and most days it wasn’t Sean,” I said and shuddered at the memory
of Sean’s hands on me, of him wanting more of me.

“Kate.”

I shook my head and continued.

“Eight months into our relationship, Sean made it
clear that he was done waiting. Do you know what he gave me for my
eighteenth birthday?” I asked, watching him shake his head slowly.
“A bruised jaw, Nathan. You know why? Because I wouldn’t give him
what he wanted. Every time I said no, I received a little something
for my trouble. And every time he demanded, I felt myself giving up
a little bit at a time. That night, the night I ran? The only
reason I pleaded not to give in was because his friends were there,
and I had no idea if Sean would stop his friends from….”

He shifted and reached for me again, and I retreated
a step. Instinct always had me retreating.

“Kate, I would never do that to you,” he said and I
shook my head to silence him again.

“I know you wouldn’t, Nathan,” I whispered. “That’s
why I know with you, I can trust my feelings. Don’t you understand
that? I feel these things with you that I didn’t with him, and more
than anything I want to share them with you.”