Heartbeat (12 page)

“Congratulations!” I raised my wine glass in the air. “That deserves a toast.”

He raised his glass and toasted with me.  

“I feel special that you decided to celebrate with me,” I said.

“You are special, Kesha. If you give me the chance I want to be able to show you that.”

Give him the chance? I was sure that would never happen before our date, but now I was actually giving it some thought.

“Look, Harris, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea but I’m not really looking to get involved with anyone right now.”

His licked his thick lips and cleared his throat. “Because of Darnel?”

I shook my head. “Because of niggas!”

He looked confused and I couldn’t believe I’d just blurted that out.

“I mean, I’ve been through this song and dance so many times that I’m just over it.”

He still looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“Darnel wasn’t just a crazy asshole who put his hands on me, he was also a lying asshole that broke my heart. My last two relationships went to shit, both of my homegirls are in shitty relationships. I could go on and on.”

He nodded. “I’m nothing like any man in your past.”

“How do I know that?”

“How will you know unless you give me the chance to show you?”

I smiled at him. But I was losing faith in love. I wasn’t trying to end up with another broken heart. But sitting across from this man who gave me butterflies in my stomach, made me feel like I was headed straight down that path. Again.

I couldn’t even get in the door good before Rick was in my face. He had flowers in his hand and an apology on his lips but his eyes betrayed him. He wasn’t sorry for what he’d done, he was just sorry his ass got caught.

He knew my car was in the garage and here I was just coming home in my freakum dress and sky high heels to match. His eyes went from my head to my feet and I would have paid to be able to read his mind at that very moment.  

I smiled in his face because I knew it was eating him alive wondering where I’d been all night. It felt good as hell.

“Charlie! I was hoping we could talk.”

I turned around just as I was kicking off my extremely high heels. “Oh, so now you want to talk? You leave this house for a week and a half and now you pop up and I’m supposed to be overjoyed that now you want to talk?”

He watched me as I kicked off my shoes. I saw his facial expression change as soon as he took another account of the outfit I was wearing. He looked me up and down as he thought aloud, “Your car is still in the garage…where you coming from dressed like that?”

I shot him a look, “I know you’re not questioning me.” I stepped out of the skin tight bandage dress right in front of him. I walked toward my bathroom in my sexy underwear. I wanted to show him what he would never ever get to touch again.

He followed me into the bathroom and sat at my vanity as I showered. He covered his face with his hands and shook his head. “Charlie, I made a horrible mistake.  A terrible mistake and if I could take it back I would.”

“But you can’t’,” I said. As I bathe, I hated how my resolve seemed to go down the drain with the soapy water. No matter how hard I tried to act, I loved this man. I’d loved him so long and so hard I knew that love wouldn’t go away anytime soon.

“I stayed away to give you time to calm down,” he said. “I wasn’t with another woman.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” I looked at him through the steamy shower glass. Never in my life did I think it was possible to love and hate someone this much at the same time. “I really don’t care, Rick. I really don’t. I couldn’t give a fuck where you lay your head anymore.” I paused before I dropped the real bomb on him. “I met with a divorce attorney.”

His head snapped in my direction. “You did what?”

He’d heard me fine so I didn’t bother repeating myself.

“Charlie, you’re thinking about divorcing me?” His voice cracked.

“Thinking about? Nigga, I am!” I turned the shower off and stepped out. I quickly wrapped a towel around my body when I caught Rick looking at my naked body.

“Is there someone else?” He wanted to know.

My thoughts ran to Amir. Even though I almost slept with him, I didn’t consider him to be anything to me. Although, I wanted him to be. But after seeing Rick’s car in the driveway, I knew he was done with me.

I didn’t bother giving Rick an answer. I wanted him to think there was another man in my life. I wanted him to picture another man on top of his wife.

“Charlie, I know there isn’t anything I can say or do to make this right. But I am willing to try. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between us.”

“How can you make this right, Rick?”

“I don’t know!” I jumped when he yelled. He lowered his voice to almost a whisper. I’m sorry, Charlie. But don’t walk away from our marriage like this. I promise you, this will never, never, ever, happen again.”

“How many were there?” I asked. I didn’t really want to know the answer to that question.

His eyes widened but he didn’t answer the question.

“How many other bitches were you fucking, Rick? Other than Kia?”

He flinched when I said her name. He was surprised I knew that much about his bitch. He shook his head. “What does it matter, Charlie? How will that help anything?”

“Just tell me, Rick!” I was already drowning in pain so what was another tsunami? With everything inside of me I wanted him to say it was just Kia, but deep down inside, I knew better.

He sighed. “There were others.”

It was like someone stabbed me in my heart. I bit my bottom lip to keep from bursting into tears. Who was this man standing in front of me?

“How many?”

“Got-damn, Charlie! Can we leave the past in the past?”

Hell no, we couldn’t. Not until I knew the truth. Not until I uncovered the monster I’d been married to. “How can we leave it in the past if I don’t know what I’m leaving in the past?”

He ran his hands over his head and sighed loudly again. “Four.”

I cowered over as if he’d punched me right in the stomach. Because it felt just like that, maybe worse.

He walked up to me and got on his knees. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my stomach. “Please forgive me, Charlie. I promise I’ll never hurt you like this again.”

I thought back to this same promise he’d made me years go. I wouldn’t fall for this shit again. I allowed him to cry and beg me not to leave all the while holding the urge to vomit.

“Can we go to counseling? Let’s go talk to the Pastor and his wife or something? I don’t wanna lose you, Charlie. I cannot lose you.”

He wasn’t worried about losing me when he was sticking his married dick in those other bitches, now was he? The thought alone made me want to push him off me. All of a sudden, it felt like the room was closing in on me and I was feeling claustrophobic.

“I gotta get to work, Rick.”

He slowly stood, and stared at me with remorseful, teary eyes. “Can we talk about this more, tonight? Over dinner?” He looked at me like he was praying I would agree. “At Dole’s?”

Dole was the restaurant we usually celebrated birthdays and anniversaries. I found it ironic that it would be where we’ talk about reconciliation.

“Yeah, fine, whatever,” I said.

He smiled and I hated it. I hated that he thought all he had to do was get on his knees, shed a few tears, and everything would be ok again. But I would show him better than I could tell him. He’d created a monster in me and there was nothing he could say or do to make this okay again.

I pulled up at the salon fifteen minutes late and headed inside, straight to business. I pushed the thoughts of Rick to the back of my mind and at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking about Amir. I wanted to be going out to dinner with him tonight instead of Rick’s dog ass. But I wouldn’t call him, not after how mortified I was this morning when he dropped me off and Rick’s car was there. I would just wait and let Amir call me if he ever wanted to see me again.

In between clients, I responded to texts from Kesha. I would have to call her and Lake and cuss them out on that little stunt they pulled last night. Although, if it had not been for them, I probably wouldn’t have spent the night with Amir.

When lunchtime came I went to my office to eat a salad. I couldn’t even sit down good before my receptionist was knocking on my door.

“I gotta’ delivery for you.”

“Come on in,” I said with a mouth full of food.

She was carrying a bouquet of red roses but it was the silver Nieman’s bag that stood out to me. “There’s a card here. Says it’s for Charlie Johnson.”

I got up and took the roses and bag from her. I opened the card and it said, “
Wear this tonight. I know you’ll look amazing in it.”

It couldn’t be from nobody but Rick. I pulled the dress out of the bag. It was a sexy knee length camel colored dress. It looked like something I would have bought for myself and he was right, I was going to look amazing in it. But he’d never see me wearing it.

“Rick is so perfect!” Kelly said.

It took physical restraint to keep from telling her otherwise. I was going to keep my business just that, my business. But once my divorce was in the works, I knew everyone in the shop would know. Even though I wasn’t the reason our marriage was about to be over, I still felt like a failure.

“He’s something,” I said.

“I wish I had a man like Rick,” Kelly said. She sighed and left my office.

I looked at the dress again. A few weeks ago, a gesture like this would have made everything inside of me melt. I put the dress back and pulled out my cell phone. I texted Amir.

Are we still on for tonight?

So much for waiting for him to contact me first. I wanted him so I wasn’t going to sit around and play games. I needed something to fill the gaping hole in my heart, and something told me Amir was just that.

I’d almost forgot I’d texted him when he finally texted me back.

You tell me…

Of course he’d think since Rick was at the house this morning, our plans were off. But nothing had changed. I wanted to see Amir. I wasn’t going to meet Rick at Dole’s. He was going to be sitting at that restaurant all by himself, tonight. But I was going to wear the dress he sent while I was out with another man. The thought made me laugh out loud as I texted Amir back.

I was hoping so

He texted back much quicker this time.
Meet me at Del Friscos downtown at 8.

I smiled and went back to the salon to finish my clients for the day.

Right before closing, I changed into the camel colored dress Rick had sent to the shop. It fit my body like it was painted on. I had one of my makeup artists apply my makeup and I added some curls to my hair. I was at the restaurant at eight on the dot. I was seated and about five minutes later, Amir walked in.

I sucked in my breath as soon as I saw him. Yeah, I’d seen him earlier this morning, but seeing him again, reminded me just how gorgeous this man was. I couldn’t peel my eyes off him if I wanted to as he walked toward me. I bit my lip and stood up for a hug. He smelled so good, I didn’t want to pull away from the hug.

“So, how was your day?” He asked as soon as he sat down. He flipped open the menu and looked at it briefly before looking back up and catching me staring at him.

I shrugged. “It was ok.”

I figured he wanted me to tell him what happened with Rick and me this morning, but I didn’t want to bring Rick up. I wanted to forget the biggest mistake I’d ever made while I was with Amir. “How was yours?”

He smiled and it was like the smiling was dancing in his eyes. “Great. This has been one of the best days I’ve had in a while.”

I smiled although something told me he wasn’t just saying that because he was on a date with me. “That’s good to hear. “

He smiled again and I felt the immediate need to cross my legs. I hadn’t ever been with a man that I was this physically attracted to in my life. All I wanted to do was stare at him for hours on end. He had the most beautiful pair of hazel green eyes I’d ever seen. And when I stared into them, it was like he was staring into my soul.

“You’re beautiful,” I blurted out. I was thinking it but I didn’t mean to blurt it out. I was immediately embarrassed and covered my mouth with my hand.

He laughed. “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

I dropped my eyes to the menu in my lap. It was my first time looking at it since I sat down.

“I’m for real, Charlie. I wanna get to know you better.”

I looked back up at him. “I would love that.”

“But a nigga ain’t tryna get his heart broken.” He covered his heart with his palm. “So, if you and your man tryna’ work ya’ll shit out, lemme know cause I can respect that. I mean, ya’ll took vows and shit so I have no choice but to respect that.”

I bit my lip again. All the things I wanted to do to this beautiful specimen of a man sitting across from me kept running through my head. The last thing on my mind was working anything out with Rick’s ass.

“That’s over. That’s dead,” I said. I looked over the menu and decided quickly what I wanted to order.

Amir went on to tell me about his relationship with his family. I could tell he was extremely close to his parents and sister by the way he talked so affectionately about them.  He told me more about his business and I was surprised at his blunt honesty when he said it was struggling. It impressed me more that he wasn’t stunting, acting like he was balling.

“I mean, I ain’t a bum or nothing.” He laughed. “But I’m sure you used to all kinds of expensive shit that my ass can’t afford.”

“Anything I want, I can buy myself,” I said.

“I bet! Shit, you driving a got-damn Porsche and living in a castle.” He said it with a smile, but there was a tinge of insecurity in his voice.

I wasn’t trying to boast or brag though, I was just trying to let him know it wasn’t about the money with me. I’d married a man with more than enough money, and look where that got me.

“It’s not all about money. Money can’t buy character. My husband has all the money in the world, but he’s a liar and a cheater.” I wanted to talk about something that would bring that beautiful smile back to his face. “But anyway, tell me more about yourself. You got any kids?”

“Nah,” he shook his head. “Not yet. What about you and…”

I shook my head and sipped the red wine the waitress had recommended. I swallowed hard. No matter how many times I tried to change the subject, it always seemed to revert right back to Rick.

“No, we don’t.” The thought of my miscarriage crept into my head but I quickly shook it away and pushed it to the furthest part of my mind. That was a hurt like none other that I didn’t want to revisit.

“You don’t want kids?”

“No, I do. I really do, actually. My girl, Lake just had a baby. You remember her, right?”

He nodded. “Word? She don’t look like she just had no baby.”

“If she heard you say that, you’d be her favorite person in the world.”

He laughed. But then his eyes looked so sad that I felt something in my heart ache. “I don’t think I’ll have kids, though.”

I was afraid to ask out of fear that the sadness in his eyes would grow unbearable to look at, but I asked anyway, “Why not?”

He shrugged and just like that, the sadness in his eyes went away. “Just haven’t met the right woman, ya know?  Don’t want a baby mama, I want a wife. I wanna do things the old fashioned way.”

I smiled. I didn’t think it was possible for me to like Amir anymore but I found myself doing just that.

He went on to ask me about my family. I explained to him that although I didn’t have any siblings, I looked at Lake and Kesha like they were my sisters. He asked about my business and I found myself blabbing about that for longer than necessary, but Amir hung on to every word like I was the most interesting thing in the world.