Heller's Punishment (19 page)

One awful day
he told me that their teachings had changed the way he looked at
the world. He’d decided not to spend the summer holidays with me
backpacking around Europe as we’d planned, but instead he would be
joining the cult members at their rural retreat ‘to find himself’.
I didn’t know what he found, but unhappily, it wasn’t his way back
to me. Then I received a letter from him in which he’d said that it
was now obvious to him that our beliefs were fundamentally
incompatible, that he wished me well in the future, but he was
staying on at the retreat permanently. My heart broke in two that
day.

I guess the
Farmers were that weird cult. It had taken me a long time to get
over him, and to run into him again with no warning played havoc
with my equanimity. He looked good, time had barely touched him,
and all kinds of emotions rushed to the surface as I gazed at his
wavy brown hair, soft, loving dark brown eyes and beautiful smile.
It struck me suddenly then how much Will looked like him, which set
off another series of questions in my head. Had I been trying to
replace Simon with Will all this time, and hadn’t realised?

“Here I am,” I
managed to say, smiling with uncontrived happiness at meeting with
him again.

“Oh Tilly,
there’s so much I wanted to say to you but never had the chance,
and now here you are sitting next to me, and I can’t think of a
thing to say.” He pulled a face in self-reproach.

“Simon, we have
so much to talk about. Is there a chance later on, maybe?”

He looked
around quickly to see who was paying attention to us. No one seemed
to be. “Maybe. Anyway for now, can we pretend we’ve just met?
Sometimes the Head Farmer is a little . . . strange about our
previous lives. She insists that we leave our other lives
completely behind. She wouldn’t like it if she knew that we’d been
. . . friends . . . previously.”

Friends?
What the hell? He was the first man I’d ever slept with. And yes, I
did have to wait until university before I had sex for the first
time, Mum and Dad keeping a very close eye on me before then. I’d
been his first lover as well. We’d discovered everything about sex
together, with much laughter and love. How could he think what we’d
shared had been just friendly? His words hurt me, and I think it
showed on my face because distress crossed his face. Underneath the
table, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly, a small smile on
his lips.

“We’ll talk
later,” he whispered, and glanced around again anxiously. Jye came
over and sat across from Simon and me, looking between us
guardedly.

“Tilly, you’ve
met Farmer Simon?”

“Yes, thank
you. He’s given me a very warm welcome to The Farm.”

Fortunately,
the serving of dinner momentarily halted all conversation. My heart
sank when I realised that the disgusting smell was indeed our food.
I glanced down at my plate trying to identify the meal. It was
brown, glutinous and lumpy. Everyone else in the room tucked in
heartily, conversation flowing again, using the hard slabs of
homemade bread to sop up the revolting gravy, toasting each other
with goblets of water. I really, really, really needed a glass of
wine, I decided. Particularly to face dinner. I picked up my fork
and tried to stab one of the gelatinous blobs. It had the texture
of a blood clot, which turned me off the dinner immediately. I
pushed a hard piece of bread into the gravy and nibbled on that.
Forget a glass of wine, I needed the whole damn bottle.

“Not enjoying
dinner?” asked Simon quietly.

“I might enjoy
it more if I had any idea what it was,” I whispered back.

“Indeterminate
Stew. That’s what I call it.” He briefly flashed me a smile.

“Is there any
meat in it?”

“No, we’re
vegetarians.”

“Thank God for
that! I was afraid I’d been dished up some very cheap and nasty cut
of meat, like the nostrils or anus.” He tried to suppress his
sudden laugh, cleverly turning it into a cough, his eyes streaming.
I helpfully thumped him on the back.

“Thank you,
Recruit Tilly. Thank you and bless you. That was a very gristly
piece of tofu I had,” he managed to splutter as everyone looked
over in concern. When he’d subsided and everyone else had gone back
to their dinners we looked at each other.

“Oh, Farmer
Simon, I want to say so much but I can’t. Not here, with everyone
watching.”

“I’ll wake you
up tonight, very, very late. We can talk then. Okay?”

“Okay.”

That was all I
managed to say before Jye took control of me again, bringing me up
to the top table where the Head Farmer sat. She seemed to have
polished off three bowls of the disgusting gruel and, judging by
the crusts, at least five pieces of the teeth-breaking bread.

“Recruit Tilly
is ready for her assignment, Head Farmer.”

“Tilly, my
dear. You and Farmer Simon seemed to be getting along famously.”
Her blue eyes raked over me intently.

“He’s a very
kind person. Thank you for placing me next to someone so nice. I
was feeling a little overwhelmed.” I hoped that allayed any
suspicion she had. I didn’t underestimate her intelligence and
observational skills.

She shot me a
sharp glance. “Indeed he is. We all love him for those
qualities.”

I smiled
politely, as if I wasn’t interested in talking about Simon at
all.

“Tilly,” she
said softly, clasping my hand and stroking the back of it with her
thumb again. It gave me the creeps and it was all I could do not to
snatch my hand away. “You have so much to learn about being a
Farmer. I would love to teach you. Personally.”

“Thank you,
Head Farmer,” I managed to stammer. “That’s an incredible honour to
me, I’m sure.”

She nodded
gravely, only confirming to me that she did consider it to be an
honour. I badly wanted to remind her that I was on an assignment,
because the way she talked to me made me think that she forgotten
that important fact.

“What time do
the Farmers go to sleep, Head Farmer?” I asked, feigning a yawn.
“I’m quite exhausted from the drive here.”

“Soon enough,
Tilly, soon enough,” she smiled and stroked my hand.

I suddenly felt
nauseous, but wasn’t sure if I should blame the Indeterminate Stew
or her overly intimate touching.

“First we have
the evening prayer,” she advised, and still holding my hand, led me
off to the building on the left side of the main office. It was a
huge hall, empty of any furniture. She kept hold of my hand as she
took her place at the front, still standing. All the other Farmers
trooped in, chatting casually, taking their place, cross-legged on
the floor, and facing their leader. When everyone had finished
filing in and had settled down, the Head Farmer released my hand,
leaving me standing awkwardly in front of everyone while she
addressed them.

“Welcome, dear
Farmers, welcome, as we reach the end of another of our Lord’s
glorious days,” she began, and there was a general cheer of
contented praise from the audience. And for the next thirty
minutes, she spoke eloquently, not quite praying, not quite
sermonising and not quite lecturing, but a mix of all three. Her
theme intricately combined the importance of respecting the earth
through sustainable organic agricultural practices, and the worship
of God, who brought forth the bountiful harvest and consequently
existed in each vegetable the Farmers grew and ate. I scratched my
head over the meaning of it, distracted by her boobs, which swung
freely with every grandiose gesture she made. It was probably a
fairly hypnotic sight from the audience.

When she’d
finished speaking, she turned to me and gestured me over to stand
near her. She threw a heavy arm around my shoulder and proceeded to
introduce me to the audience as the community’s new recruit. I was
treated to a hearty round of applause and a few interested looks
from some of the male Farmers. Simon gave me an encouraging
smile.

After the
‘sermon’, everyone battled in the (thankfully) gender-divided
bathrooms situated at one end of the dormitory to brush their
teeth, take a shower and use the toilets. Simon prepared for bed
across the aisle from me, about five people closer to the exit. I
realised, after exchanging a few words with my neighbours, that new
recruits were always placed in the middle of the room. Having a bed
at the far end was a great sign of trust. I wondered briefly why
Simon wasn’t at the end. Presumably he’d been part of the cult
since we’d broken up about seven years ago.

It took a while
for everyone in the room to quieten down, even after the lights
were switched out. I was very conscious of other people around me
as I attempted to sleep. A snorer, who’d dropped off as soon as his
head hit the pillow, thundered through the room. A sleep-talker
conducted a dream conversation out loud. The newborn screeched
uncontrollably for a while before the mother shoved her boob in its
mouth again. I hoped she kept it there all night. Someone farted
loudly, creating a ripple of giggles around the room.

“Silence!”
ordered the Head Farmer in her commanding voice. There was
silence.

I lay in my
hard, uncomfortable bed, still wearing my rough shift, wide-awake,
eyes searching the ceiling for some escape. I hated it here.
Despondent, I pulled up my abrasive army surplus blanket, which had
the texture of being manufactured from pubic hair. I stealthily
slipped my phone from my dresser drawer, and hiding under the
blanket, checked it for a signal.

Nothing.

A few tears of
self-pity plopped out of my eyes. Back at the Warehouse, Heller had
probably gone out to get laid, Daniel and Niq were watching some
gory movie without me, and the twins didn’t care anyway. Nobody
missed me and everybody was getting along just fine without me. I
was like the scratchy pubic hair blanket – surplus to
requirements.

The only thing
stopping me from a full-blown pity attack was the audience. You
couldn’t properly cry yourself to sleep when there were people
everywhere listening. I reached for my iPod, prepared to let other
more talented people do the caterwauling for me, but it wasn’t
where I’d left it when I unpacked. Oh, just great! Someone had
stolen my iPod already. And they called themselves a bunch of
Christians!

I stared at the
ceiling for hours, replaying my favourite songs in my head and
heroically trying to erase any thought of anyone at the Warehouse.
It was a long night. Just when I thought I might go completely
insane with insomnia, when everyone else was fast asleep, a furtive
figure approached me. It was Simon. He put his finger to his lips
and took my hand, leading me away from the main door to a corridor
where a side door exited to the outside. He didn’t speak, but led
me to a small distant building, some kind of shed. Inside, he
rearranged stacks of hay to make a comfortable seat for us both. I
sat close next to him.

“Imagine
meeting up with you after all this time . . .” he started, but
faltered. Instead, he stroked my face gently with his hand.

“Simon.”

“Tilly. I’ve
thought about you so much over the years. I’m sorry about what I
said earlier. I know we were much more than friends, but I suppose
I’ve tried not to dwell too much on that physical side of my former
life.” He smiled at me. “I’ve never had another relationship since
you.”

“Really?” I
asked, surprised. “But you’re allowed to have relationships here,
aren’t you? I mean, there’s a baby, so someone’s being intimate.
Though heaven knows how with everyone sleeping in the same
room.”

He smiled
again. “We can, but . . . This will probably make you laugh. I took
a vow of celibacy when I joined and I’ve been faithful to that vow
ever since.”

“Wow! All these
years? No sex? I’m impressed. I seem to recall that you quite
enjoyed it once upon a time,” I teased. “How have you ever managed
to cope for so long without it?”

“Lots of
praying and cold showers,” he joked. “I keep myself busy farming.
I’ve become a good farmer, if that doesn’t sound too boastful.”

“No, not at
all.”

“I treasure my
connection with the soil and the plants. It’s so spiritual for me
to nurture the earth and watch thing grow. I’m very happy here. I’m
fulfilled.”

I took his
hand. “I’m glad you’re happy, Simon. I always hoped you would
be.”

He looked down
at our entwined hands. “That’s very sweet. You’ve always been a
generous person, Tilly. I wouldn’t have been surprised if you
didn’t think well of me after I dumped you so suddenly. It was
cruel and cowardly of me, and I want to apologise for that. I
should have been kinder and more considerate of your feelings. But
at that point I was desperately keen to cut myself off from my old
life and start again with my new life here.”

“I won’t lie,
Simon, it was a painful time for me. I loved you very much.”

“I know. I
loved you too. Have you found happiness, Tilly? Or is that why
you’re here? Are you still looking for it?”

I longed to
tell him my real reason for being here, not wanting to deceive him,
but I had to respect the wishes of my client. “Maybe I’m just
feeling a bit lost in my life,” I said vaguely. “I thought I’d give
The Farm a shot, but I’m not sure it’s going to be the answer for
me.”

He squeezed my
hand. “I’m hoping that you do decide to stay, Tilly. I’ll have to
seriously reconsider my vow if you do become a Farmer. You’ve grown
even lovelier over the years than I remember.” He smiled in the
darkness at me, and leaned forward to fleetingly touch his lips on
my cheek. “We better go back before someone notices we’re
missing.”

He stood up and
holding my hand, we returned to the dormitory. We quietly crept
back into our beds and I gratefully fell asleep straight away.