Heller's Punishment (15 page)

He swept my
hair aside and delicately kissed my neck. His hot breath warmed my
skin. I inclined my head away from him, so he had better access. He
took advantage and kissed me up and down my neck, making my skin
tingle. My nipples hardened and my breathing became ragged. I
closed my eyes, enjoying those wonderful sensations of arousal.

His hands moved
caressingly from my shoulders down my chest, until they were
cupping my breasts, his thumbs rubbing across my erect nipples. I
twisted my head to meet his mouth, and our tongues immediately
entwined. I turned to face him and slid my arms around his neck,
pressing up hard against him, rubbing myself against his stiffness.
He moaned and then it was as if a dam wall broke, but passion and
lust and need flooded out instead of water. It became a blur of
hands and tongues.

He lifted my
top over my head and impatiently unhooked my bra, leaning down to
lick and suck on my freed breasts. I pulled his shirt over his head
and raked my nails across his back.

He pushed me
backwards until I bumped against his kitchen bench, hoisting me up
onto it, uncaring about the mugs and plates that went crashing to
the floor. Impatiently, he tore off my panties and flung them over
his shoulder, pushed up my skirt and knelt down to frantically lick
me and plunge his tongue into me. I closed my eyes in ecstasy, head
thrown back, my legs wrapped around his neck, my hands in his
hair.

My orgasm was
quick and intense. I would have screamed with pleasure, but wasn’t
given an opportunity, because he dropped his pants and started
urgently thrusting himself into me, his tongue back in my mouth
again. I could taste myself on his tongue. I wrapped my legs around
his hips and thrilled as he repeatedly drove deeply inside of me.
Seconds later he exploded, collapsing against me, breathing
heavily.

He took my hand
and helped me off the bench, leading me down the hallway to his
bedroom. Neither of us spoke. I noticed his bed had a new quilt and
there were now a multitude of little, useless and annoying pillows
littering the top of the bed. He pushed me down onto the bed gently
and swept all the little pillows onto the floor in a gesture of
contempt. He took off my miniskirt and heels and we lay together,
face-to-face, naked and completely entwined, like old times.

“I have to keep
seeing you, Tilly,” he whispered. “I am dying inside without
you.”

“I have cried
so much over you, Will. You broke me in two,” I whispered back. He
kissed me tenderly, apologising over and over again.

“I’ve
completely fucked up my life.”

I remained
silent.

“But I just
can’t abandon the woman who’s having my baby. Can you understand
that?”

I shrugged one
shoulder, but didn’t say anything.

“I hope we can
keep seeing each other. Like we used to. Do you think we could do
that?”

“As if nothing
happened?”

“Yes. Please,
can we try it at least?”

“Penny wouldn’t
be pleased to find out that her future husband was screwing another
woman before you were even married.”

“Tough shit!
I’m doing a lot for her. She’ll never know anyway. And now that
she’s pregnant she’s hardly interested in sex any more. We haven’t
had much for months. I really miss sex with you. It was always so
hot.”

And as he
kissed my breasts, I considered his proposition. It didn’t hold
much appeal for me. Come running every time he felt horny? No,
thanks. He might value my body, but he didn’t value
me
.

“Well?” he
demanded.

“The problem
though is that something
did
happen, Will. You dumped me.
Penny became pregnant and you became engaged. In fact, a lot has
changed.”

“Not my
feelings for you.”
Yeah, right.

“This was a
mistake. I shouldn’t have come today.” I sat up and moved to the
edge of the bed. “And I’m really not interested in being your
little bit on the side. But thanks for the insulting offer
anyway.”

Anger flared in
his eyes and he gripped me, pulling me back down onto the bed, his
fingers digging painfully into my skin.

I twisted in
his arms. “Let me go.”

“You’re
determined to make me pay for all this, aren’t you?”

“Why shouldn’t
I?”

He pinned me
down with his weight, cradling my head between his hands and
staring down into my eyes. “Tilly.”

“Let me
go.”

“Tilly. Look at
me. Please.”

I stopped
struggling and returned his gaze. Our eyes locked together for a
long while.

“I’m sorry,” he
said in a low tone. “I didn’t mean to offend you. That wasn’t what
I meant. I’ll be happy to see you whenever you decide.” He touched
his lips softly against mine. “I’ll beg you if you want me to.”

Of course I
wanted him to beg. I wanted him to grovel. I wanted him to crawl to
me on his knees across a lake of broken glass. I wanted him to make
amends for the pain he’d caused.

“I don’t
know.”

He kissed down
my neck, cupping my breast.

“Please, I’m
begging. Just now and then.”

That reminded
me how Heller had said that even if we slept together he would
probably keep sleeping with other women “now and then” and how I’d
threatened to do the same with other men. Maybe Will could be my
“now and then” man.

And maybe
not.

“I don’t
know.”

He returned his
lips to mine and we kissed, and before too long we were doing much
more than kissing. We ended up having sex again, sweet, slow,
tender sex.

I’m going to
be in so much trouble
, I thought drowsily as I dozed, entwined,
next to him. I could have slept for hours, sated, but the incessant
honking of a horn broke through my dreams. I sat upright in a
panic.

“
Oh
shit!
It’s Heller!”

We scrambled
between us, trying to find all of my clothes. It was still a good
five minutes though until I was dressed and ready to leave. At the
door, Will grabbed my arm.

“So you’ll see
me again?”

I met his eyes,
mine full of conflicting emotions. I did and I didn’t want to see
him again. There was something safe and familiar about an old lover
that appealed greatly to me right then, but it was wrong to be with
another woman’s man. I took the easy way out.

“I don’t know.
I’ll think about it.” And he had to be satisfied with that.

I walked down
the path of Will’s house as quickly as I could in the heels and
climbed into the front seat. Heller stared at me, always an
intimidating experience, his eyes as icy blue and cold as a pure
glacier.

“So, you
finished with him? Told him to stop contacting you?” he demanded in
his dangerously quiet voice that signalled his anger. I avoided eye
contact and tried to make a gesture that signified assent without
actually lying. It was hard to lie to Heller.

“Matilda?”

I couldn’t
answer. I fumbled with my seatbelt, head down.

“Matilda.”

I didn’t answer
him. He grabbed me roughly by the chin, forcing my head up and
searched my face with his laser-like eyes. Fury sweep across his
features, like a summer storm rolling in, when he saw my satiated
face. God knows he’d seen it enough. He slammed his fist down hard
on the dashboard making me jump in fright.

“
You are the
stupidest woman I have ever met!
” he yelled right into my face.
I began to tremble, suddenly afraid of what was going to happen.
“All you had to do was say goodbye, instead you’ve slept with him
again,
haven’t you?
”

I refused to
answer him and turned my head to look out of the window, heart
pounding. He screeched off in a rage, ignoring basic road safety in
his intense anger. We didn’t speak at all on the way home.

We parked in
the basement garage and I immediately jumped out and bolted up the
stairs to my flat. I didn’t know what made me think I could outrun
him, especially in my heels and with my ankle still a little stiff.
But I almost made it and was about to slam the front door in his
face, when he pushed it open forcefully, smashing it back against
the wall, dislodging a chunk of plasterboard. He advanced on me
until I was backed up against a wall, trying not to look afraid.
His eyes were frozen as they bored into me, his sensuous mouth
grim.

“
You slept
with him, didn’t you?
” he bellowed at me.

I nodded and
managed to find my voice. “It’s none of your business, Heller,” I
said defiantly.

“
It’s every
bit my business!
” he shouted.

“It’s not!
We’re not a couple. I can do what I want to. I can sleep with
whoever I want to.”

I’d never seen
him so angry before. His nostrils flared with rage and his face
flushed an unbecoming red. He clenched his fists tightly and
without any warning punched a hole in the plasterboard wall with
each fist,
one! two!
, either side of my head. I flinched,
worried I was going to wet myself in fear. He glared down at me and
I started trembling again.

He circled my
throat with his hand and leaned down so that our eyes were level.
His voice was dangerously soft. “You will not see that man ever
again.”

“You can’t tell
me what to do.”

“You will not
see that man again,” he repeated, grinding it out through tightly
gritted teeth.

“
He
asked to see
me
again. He still loves me,” I insisted,
though my defiance was rapidly fading. I just wanted him to
leave.

“He doesn’t
‘love’ you. He’s using you for sex.”

“He still loves
me.”

“Did he tell
you he still loves you?”

I hesitated.
“No.”

“Did he tell
you he’s willing to leave his fiancee for you?” I didn’t want to
answer. “Well, did he?”

“No.”

The sound he
made was pure exasperation. “He’s using you and you’re too naive to
realise.”

“I’m not naive!
I’m twenty-five, not fifteen. And I’ll keep seeing him if I want
to. You don’t own me.”

He moved his
face even closer to me, until our noses were almost touching. I
couldn’t escape the coldness of his eyes and voice. “Matilda, you
won’t see that man again.”

My voice
tremored. “I’ll be the one who makes that decision, not you. Get
out. Leave me alone.”

Undecipherable
expressions crossed his face. He let me go and quickly turned and
strode away, kicking out at a side table hard enough to send it
flying across the room, the lamp on it crashing to the floor and
breaking. He slammed the door behind him with such force that three
screws popped out of the hinges and my clock fell from the wall,
the glass face smashing when it landed. I stood unmoving for a
while, my hand clamped over my mouth.

A minute later,
Daniel cautiously opened my door and peered around. His brown eyes
widened when he saw the two ragged holes in my wall and my
terrified expression. “His lordship’s in a bit of a temper,
huh?”

I nodded, too
overwhelmed to speak. He gathered me to his chest, hugging me
tightly. I clung to him, not able to stop the tears from coming. He
led me over to my lounge and we sat in silence for a while
together, hugging. He stroked my hair until I felt a little
calmer.

“It’s a scary
sight, isn’t it?” Daniel said wryly. “I remember the first time I
felt the full force of his temper. I was about fifteen at the time.
I’d lived with him and the twins for about a year and, well, I’ve
told you what a horror I was to him then. Anyway, I stole all the
money from his wallet and sneaked out of the house one night. Clive
and he spent the whole night out on the streets looking for me.
When I finally turned up at home the next morning, drunk and badly
used, he wanted to murder me. Literally. He picked me up by my
shirt, slammed me against a wall and yelled at me. I’ve never been
so scared in my life. But later on, when I thought about it I
realised that it was only because he cared so much about me that he
was so angry. And when he calmed down, I talked to him about it and
understood his worry and fear for me. I’d like to say that I never
put him through anything like that again after that incident, but I
have to admit that it took me a while to stop being such a shit to
him. But it was the only time he ever reacted like that. I guess
he’d just had enough and I’d pushed him too far.”

I had a lot to
mull over. I knew what Daniel said was the truth. Heller cared very
deeply for me and undoubtedly his anger had sprung out of concern
for me. But I didn’t want him thinking that I was his property or
that he could dictate my life.

“Why’s he
raging anyway?” Daniel asked, standing up and stretching.

I looked up at
him. “I was supposed to be telling Will to get lost, but I ended up
sleeping with him again. Twice actually.” It was a feeble attempt
at bravado, and it fell flat.

Daniel stared
at me in disappointment. “Tilly, why would you do that? Especially
after the way he treated you. No wonder Heller was so angry. You
have more self-respect than that, don’t you?”

“Apparently
not,” I said in a small voice. His disappointment stung me even
more than Heller’s anger.

“Well, you’re
on your own in thinking that was a good idea. I’m with Heller on
this one. Your ex-boyfriend’s going to be married soon. What about
his fiancee? She’s expecting to have a family and a life with that
man. You’re no home-wrecker, Tilly. He ultimately chose her, not
you, and you shouldn’t forget that. It’s only going to end in more
tears for you.”

I felt as
though I’d let everyone down, especially myself. I hated myself. I
felt dirty and slutty and stupid. What I’d done was just plain
wrong and there was no point in sugar-coating it. I didn’t bother
hiding my fresh tears. I didn’t think I’d ever been more miserable
in my life.