Here to Stay (12 page)

But Sissy grabbed him, holding him. She whispered, “God, why are you so damned aloof sometimes? Sometimes you remind me of him.”

Of Gene.

Elijah started to back away, but Sissy clung to the muscles beneath his neck, feeling his strong shoulders, his back. She put her hands beneath his T-shirt. “I think we need to use birth control, don’t you?”

He kissed her, wondering if he could make love with her. Had that remark had anything to do with Gene? No, of course not. Eddy was his child, too, and she was fine. Though Gene, at Eddy’s age, had seemed like any other baby.

The telephone’s ringing broke into his thought and saved him from uncertainty and pretense.

“T
HEY’RE COMING TOMORROW
to see the puppies.”

Elijah nodded. “Ah.”

Sissy did not quite meet his eyes. “I hope they take Pink Girl.”

Their system for distinguishing one puppy from another involved using different colored ribbons as collars. Pink Girl was a pretty black-and-tan bitch, one of the two best in the litter.

“You’re sure you want to let her go?” Elijah thought of the lines Genesis was developing, the dogs they wanted to produce. But he also thought of Ezra, of Clark, of Sissy’s deception.

“Well, they’ll show her, and they’re both good handlers. Anyhow, we have so many bitches right now, we’ll let them choose.”

Elijah gazed at her for a moment. “You’re not worried about Clark discovering that Ezra is his son.”

Sissy’s stomach sucked in as though she’d been kicked. For a moment she couldn’t quite breathe.
He
knows.
Her mouth dropped as she wondered if she should deny it.

“I
assume
he’s Clark’s,” Elijah said. “Unless there was someone else?”

Sissy thought she might throw up. His look wasn’t cold, but she wondered if
this
was what lay behind his aloofness. And knew that it must be. “How…long have you known?” she managed to say.

“Since the copperhead bite. I saw his blood type on his chart.”

Sissy tried to speak, then simply tried to swallow. “Why didn’t you say?”

He shrugged. “Maybe I thought you might.”

It wasn’t true, Sissy knew. He must have known that, having kept the secret since Ezra’s birth, she’d intended to keep it always. “Maybe you should be sincere,” she said.

“Me?” He lifted his eyebrows.

She sagged. She’d been sitting up against the pillows. She seemed to shrink into herself. “Elijah, I had sex with him just once. I can’t even call it making love,” she whispered. “I did it to convince myself to go through with the wedding, but it had the opposite effect. It was awful. But it was part of why I left him at the altar. I
knew
I didn’t love him.”

Elijah made himself sit near her on the bed. “What I don’t understand,” he said, “is why you never told me.” Some of the feelings he’d been keeping to himself for more than a year poured out. “You were never going to tell me? You were never going to tell Ezra? And what about Clark?”

“He has nothing to do with this,” Sissy said.

Elijah refrained from choking dramatically.

“Ezra is
our
son,” she said. “Yours and mine.”

Elijah told her, “I don’t think that’s your decision to make.”

“Well, it’s certainly not
yours
,” she exclaimed. “I’m his mother. I gave birth to him.”

Elijah gazed at her long straight hair, the well-defined bones of her face, her perfect white teeth, and wondered if she’d always been so arrogant. On some level,
yes
, he decided. “And I suppose you think I have that little to do with Gene and Eddy, too?”

She drew a deliberate breath. “All right, I don’t mean that about Ezra. He’s your son, and of course we have to make decisions about him together. I just don’t see any point in taking this further. He doesn’t need to know, and Clark doesn’t need to know, either.”

Elijah seemed to squint at her, as though trying to make out something far away. “What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not
afraid
. I just think this is better for everyone.”

“Why?” he asked flatly.

“Don’t you think we have enough trouble?”

Elijah said, “I don’t like deception.”

“Well, you’ve sure been enjoying it since Ezra’s snakebite,” she snapped.

“I haven’t been
enjoying
it. I’ve been wondering why in hell you never told me the truth. Did you think I’d leave you or something?”

Sissy looked at him, her violet eyes oddly challenging. “Actually, yes. That’s what I thought. Or, more precisely, I thought you’d want to leave, but would be a martyr and stay.”

Elijah tried to play it through his mind. When Sissy had first become pregnant, say she’d said,
Elijah, there’s
a chance this is Clark’s baby.
It would have made no difference to him!

But the assertion rang through him like a lie. He didn’t really believe it. The truth was that he couldn’t imagine how he would have felt. He’d been in love with Sissy. He would have been disappointed that the child wasn’t his.

Was he in love with Sissy now?

Not that it mattered. He’d married her, and being married meant less about being in love than about commitment, keeping a sacred promise, a different and deeper kind of love.

And this beautiful woman was his lifetime partner. She was strong-willed, could be bossy, but he didn’t mind those traits. They were part of her spirit. He just couldn’t quite fathom someone keeping the secret she’d kept for so long. He thought of her barbs about his supposedly being “traditional.” But she was the one who believed their family perfection would be somehow marred by admitting their unconventionality, by allowing Ezra to deal with his real situation, by allowing him the chance to know his natural father.

By admitting there might be something “wrong” with Gene.

“What makes you think Clark would want anything to do with him?” Sissy hissed, keeping her voice down.

Elijah took a moment to put himself in Clark’s shoes.

“If it were me,” he said, “I’d want to know. And I’d sure as hell want something to do with him.”

“That’s because you already know him and love him,” Sissy said in a patient tone that made Elijah grit his teeth.

He replied, “That’s quite an assumption on your part, Sissy.”

“That you know and love your son?”

“No. That…” He didn’t want to repeat their whole conversation. “If I were Clark,” he said, “I would want to know. And I would want to know Ezra, want him to know me.”

“And you blithely think that’s a good idea for our son. You think Clark will be a good role model for him?”

Elijah found this argument disingenuous. He said, “Is there some reason you think he
wouldn’t
be? Do you know something I don’t? Some instance of double handling?” A term for a type of illegal maneuvering in the ring.

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

“Or is it the terriers?” he couldn’t keep himself from asking.

“Not funny.”

Elijah waited to see if she would reveal something damning about Clark.

She didn’t.

He made himself say, “I’m not going to leave you. I haven’t considered it.”

“You’re just going to be aloof from me for the rest of our lives,” Sissy said. “That’s worse.”

Aloof. Elijah considered this and remembered how she’d said he was like Gene that way. Elijah hoped that wasn’t true. He supposed that being aloof was his way of protecting himself. And he’d seen Sissy do the same thing. He said softly, “You really think it’s worse?”

“Yes,” she snapped. “I do.”

He could think of nothing more to say but to repeat, “I’m not thinking of leaving you.”

Dogs are pack animals. Depriving them of your company and affection is an excellent way to show your displeasure at their behavior.

—Teach Yourself, Teach Your Dog,
Elijah Workman, 1973

September 11, 1979

D
AMN
E
LIJAH
. He had refused to be present when Clark and Berkeley came to see the puppies.
Unless you plan to tell him the truth and tell him soon.

Sissy had told him it was blackmail, nothing less, and she added, “Fine. Go to the Strip.”

Instead, he’d taken Gene and Ezra to the library and to play miniature golf. Well, Ezra would play miniature golf, Gene would follow them around reading about scorpions or possibly catching insects to feed to his arachnid menagerie.

Elijah had wanted to leave Ezra behind and just take Gene to the library. Sissy knew this wasn’t a sign of favoritism, but a way to force her to be in the same room with Clark and Ezra, but Ezra had wanted to play miniature golf, so he went with Elijah.

Sissy greeted Clark and Berkeley at the door, offered them something to drink. Oak was walking beside her, being a gentleman, along with one of the puppies, Dark Blue Boy, a black-and-tan who was a talker and a favorite of Elijah’s, to Sissy’s annoyance, for he would never be a show dog and they couldn’t afford to keep more dogs of pet quality than they possessed.

Belle curled up in her favorite spot under the kitchen table, and Sissy saw Clark eye her askance.

“Elijah rescued her from a research lab,” Sissy said.

“Oh, poor thing. Or lucky thing, I should say,” put in Berkeley.

Berkeley had short, straight blond hair, which she wore in a Dorothy Hamill cut; while a bit outdated, the style suited her perfectly. She was taller than Sissy—almost six feet—and put her hand out for Oak to sniff.

Sissy poured each of them ice water, then they went out to the lawn, and she let the other puppies out of the kennel.

Berkeley immediately sat on the grass to see which puppies came to her. Sissy picked up Pink Girl, who was carrying a stuffed toy, and brought her over. “This is the one I thought you might really want,” she said. “Elijah thinks we should keep her, and it’s tempting, but I’ll be just as happy if she goes to a good show home.”

The runt of the litter, whom she and Elijah had taken to calling Little Girl, crawled into Berkeley’s lap. Little Girl had a beautiful face. Berkeley said, “They’re all precious.”

Sissy excused herself to go inside and check on Eddy, who was napping. Still asleep. Sissy knew she’d wake soon, and her breasts felt full to bursting. She hoped she
wouldn’t start leaking through her blouse, and she pulled on a cardigan just in case.

She returned to the yard to find Clark crouched beside Pink Girl. “This is a very nice puppy,” he said.

Berkeley was playing with Dark Blue Boy.

“The other one,” Sissy said, “that I thought might interest you is Red Boy.” Red Boy was sable, solidly built and unusually fluffy, with a silver quality to his coat.

“He’s pretty,” Berkeley agreed, “and I love sables.”

So did Sissy, but an appalling number of people wanted black-and-tan puppies. What people didn’t realize was that
most
German shepherds were sable. The black-and-tan color was recessive.

She sat on the lawn near Berkeley, and Dark Blue Boy turned his attentions to her. He was a big puppy and promptly sat in her lap, as though to claim ownership. Sissy gazed into his face, remembering a time when making these dogs behave immaculately had been the center of her being.

What had gone wrong? She’d branched out into one activity after another, writing plays, acting, teaching. And when she’d been engaged to Clark, she’d been focused on the dogs. Entirely.

Elijah was what had changed her, making mandates about how dogs should be raised. Elijah was right that praise was important in training dogs, but earning their respect was essential, and affection was not the same as respect.
Look at coyotes and wolves,
she thought. She remembered reading about subordinate wolves sneaking food from the dominant animals.

Who really knew what dogs wanted, what their agenda was?

Elijah wants to know
, she thought. As her father had.

Then, without deriding herself for anthropomorphic ideas, she gazed at Dark Blue Boy and thought,
This one wants to be in charge.
It was an interesting thought.

“What do you think of the Koehler method?” she abruptly asked Berkeley. Unlike Clark, Berkeley had a fair amount of experience training big dogs.

Berkeley made a wry face. “Well, it has fallen a bit out of favor as cruel, and certainly some of the things he recommends I would never consider doing to my dogs. But his basis for training, his way of getting a dog’s attention and keeping it has worked for me. You don’t use his system, do you?”

“We used to train all our dogs that way,” Sissy admitted, “and, Berkeley, I would get, like, 198s in Open.”

Berkeley gave her a sympathetic, almost sisterly, smile. “And then you married a nice man who thought it was cruel?”

“Not exactly. Elijah’s realistic. Of course, we never hit our dogs—”

“A good rule,” Berkeley agreed. “Especially since I’ve never been sure it means more to them than that their trainer is going off the deep end, which isn’t exactly going to make them confident in their choices.”

“I want to check on Eddy again,” Sissy said. “I’m sorry.”

“Can I see her?” Berkeley asked.

“Sure. Come on. She’s probably awake.”

Fifteen minutes later, it was clear to Sissy that although Berkeley was excited about getting a new German shepherd puppy, she would
love
to have a baby.

“We’re
trying
,” she admitted to Sissy in a hushed
tone as the two women sat on the deck, Berkeley holding Eddy, while Clark, across the lawn, continued to scrutinize puppies. “It just seems like it’s taking forever. It’s as if, when you don’t want to be pregnant it’s a problem, and now I
do
want children, and it’s certainly not happening automatically.”

Sissy thought of Ezra. Well, Berkeley wanted a baby of her own, and Ezra wouldn’t fill that bill. And, good grief, didn’t Elijah realize how upsetting it would be for Ezra to learn the truth? The boy adored Elijah, looked up to him, loved to go to work with him, wanted to be like him.

In the end, Clark and Berkeley bought Red Boy, and Sissy promised to call the next day to see how the puppy was settling into his new home. It had been nice to have Berkeley to talk with. Besides Kennedy and her old friend Allie Morgan, Sissy had few friends these days; she was too busy, too focused on her own family, her own home, her own affairs.

She went into the room she used as a sewing room and office and plucked several dog training books off the shelves. Sitting on the couch with her usual huge jar of water, she nursed Eddy while rereading a book by Barbara Handler. But what consumed her thoughts was Elijah—and Ezra.

Elijah was easy to get along with on the surface, but when he wanted something his way, he seemed to get it. And this business with telling Clark and Ezra the truth of Ezra’s paternity might turn out to be one of those things.

She heard the car pull up outside, and Ezra banged in, saying, “Hi, Dark Blue Boy. Mom, I got a hole in one!”

Gene and Elijah followed, Gene with his nose in a book, carrying a jar containing a few insects. Without
speaking to Sissy, he continued to his room. She thought about what Elijah had said, the possibility of Gene having a kind of autism. He certainly seemed lacking in social awareness, which sometimes hurt, though she knew she shouldn’t take it personally.

“They took Red Boy,” Sissy told Elijah.

“Good,” he answered. “We can keep Pink Girl. A pretty black-and-tan bitch. Good for the kennel.” He showed no sign of any interest in Clark and Berkeley themselves, or in Sissy’s feelings about Ezra being Clark’s biological son. Of course, he wouldn’t in front of Ezra.

He’ll insist on having his way on this
, Sissy thought. And Elijah would get what he wanted by being remote—pleasant and remote. She would feel his subtle disapproval, and eventually she would yield.

The aggravating man.

When Gene and Ezra had gone outside to do their chores, Sissy stared defiantly at Elijah, waiting for him to bring up the subject.

Instead, he reached for Eddy, held her and kissed her, then bent down to kiss Sissy, too.

She whispered, “Elijah, can we just let it go?”

He sat down on the couch beside her. “It really goes against the grain with me, Sissy. I’m not ashamed that he’s not my biological child, and you shouldn’t be, either.”

“What makes you think I’m
ashamed?
”

“Nothing else makes sense. I think you fear Ezra’s reaction.”

Sissy stilled her tongue. This accusation hit a little close to the bone. “Well,” she admitted, “I do.”

“Sissy, I won’t let him be disrespectful to you.”

“But see, even by saying that, you’re admitting there’s a reason he
should
be disrespectful.”

Elijah shook his head. “I didn’t mean that at all.”

“I just want you to seriously imagine how you would have felt if, when Ezra was born, I’d told you I was pretty sure he was Clark’s child.”

“You could have told me before that, Sissy.”

“Just answer me,” she said.

Elijah sat quietly, holding Eddy. “I would have been hurt.”

“And I didn’t
want
to hurt you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Because I thought he might be yours.” Sissy knew that was a lie. “All right, I thought there might be one chance in a hundred he was yours, but I was willing to pray for that chance and wait. I knew the whole situation would be painful to you.”

“And you thought I wouldn’t love you anymore.”

“Right,” she agreed. “Not the same way. So you tell me that you would have loved me the same way. See if you can say that, Elijah.”

He hesitated, wondering if he’d begun to love her differently when he finally
had
learned the truth. Yes, he had. But he hadn’t loved her less. “Sissy, I wouldn’t have loved you the same way. I
don’t
love you the same way. But isn’t it better that I love who you actually are than a fantasy you’ve created? I don’t need to live in a bubble. My God, you shouldn’t have to protect me from something like that.”

Sissy listened, playing back every word in her head. So he did love her differently. But he loved her, he claimed, loved her still.

“So you’re not
in
love with me,” she said.

“I didn’t say that!”

She waited for him to continue.

“I love you more, because I know who you really are,” he told her. “This is real. We have problems. Good God, we’ve had overdrafts at the bank. We disagree sometimes. And Ezra’s not my biological son. But you’re his mother, and I love you both.”

Sissy tried to relax, consciously tried to loosen every knot in her muscles. Wasn’t this what she’d wanted to hear from the first? She
would
have told him the truth when they first married if she’d been confident of receiving this answer.

No. No this wasn’t quite true.
I love you more, because I know who you really are.
“I’ve always been the same person,” she snapped. “You’re the one who couldn’t see. It’s not a fantasy
I
created. It’s one you created.”

Elijah heard her, understood, knew he had been too willing to be lied to. “That’s fair. We share responsibility for the situation. But we need to tell Clark, Sissy. Depending on how he feels, we then may need to tell Ezra.”

“Not everything that goes on in this family is your sole decision, Elijah.”

“Sissy, it’s the right thing to do.”

“You don’t know that.”

Elijah considered. He decided he did know. He considered saying,
If you don’t tell him, I will
. Instead, he said, “I don’t want to be part of keeping it a secret from him, Sissy.”

“You already have been.”

Because he’d known the truth about Ezra for months
and done nothing. “I don’t want to be part of it anymore,” he said clearly, calmly, patiently.

“Fine. Don’t be.”

Elijah didn’t understand her. “You want me to tell him?”

“I want you to care a little more about the people you live with than nebulous principles of right and wrong.”

The word
nebulous
was well-chosen. The woman could argue. So Elijah said, “I wish my feelings about this were nebulous.” He imagined telling Clark what Sissy had kept from him and knew he couldn’t do it. She had to be the one, or at least he must do it with her consent.

Tears sprang from her eyes. “I’ll tell him, you asshole,” she said. “And you’ll find out it’s not the great solution you think it is.”

Elijah knew better than to try to touch her. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“Go away. Just go away.”

He did.

September 21, 1979

I
T TOOK
S
ISSY TIME
to work up the courage to call Clark. The anguish of the situation did nothing to increase her love for Elijah. In fact, she sometimes told herself that he was destroying her love by insisting that she reveal the truth to Clark.

It was a Friday when she decided to make the call, the same Friday that Elijah and Gene were meeting with a specialist after school. Her uneasiness about what they might learn somehow offset her having to speak to Clark.

She called him at his and Berkeley’s kennels. Clark
and Berkeley were rare among handlers. Their training business and sales of training equipment and handling at shows made it possible for them to live comfortably without having to do outside work.

Berkeley answered the phone, and Sissy first spoke to her about Red Boy, inquiring after the puppy. All was well. He was happy and beautiful. Then Sissy said, “I just wanted to speak to Clark briefly. I had a question someone asked me to pass on.”