Here's the Situation (11 page)

As The Situation, I need to be aware at all times of the whereabouts of possessions like my cell, wallet, and jewelry. Believe it or not, some girls steal things as a memento of our experience together, as if smooshing isn't enough.

Once, after a sold-out club appearance in Canada, I decided to invite a girl back to my hotel for the night. We were starting to undress when I noticed her rummaging through her bag for her camera. She actually wanted to snap a shot or shoot some video while we were getting naked. I told that head case, “Sorry, baby, but you gotta leave.”

Another time I was with this chick I was getting a really weird vibe off of. She always had her cell phone in plain sight, which isn't that unusual, but I sensed that she was positioning it within range of my voice whenever I moved around the room. Plus she was asking me very bold questions like, “Have you ever done this drug before,” etc. She was trying to pull it off in a nonchalant way, but I became convinced she was trying to record our conversation. I was reluctant to call her on it because I wasn't positive and I didn't want to suddenly turn into a jerk. But my weird feeling persisted so I finally checked her phone, and sure enough, she was recording. I try to always be polite and give people the benefit of the doubt, but when I caught her red-handed, no matter how hot she was (and she was hot), I kicked her ass out.

It's sad to say, bro, but whenever I hang with chicks in my hotel room (particularly if more than one is involved), I ask them to turn off all electronic devices—or, switch them to Sitch Mode, which means get rid of them. That's why I've started confiscating their phones and cameras and locking them in the room safe. Call it paranoid, but the last thing I want is a video of me doing work showing up on TMZ the next day. Especially if I was having an off night (which, to be honest, is pretty frickin' rare).

Sometimes you smoosh a chick and decide that you'd like to smoosh that chick again in the future. It's rare, but it happens. Here you must tread with extreme caution, my brothers. You might unwittingly be cultivating a Clinger. Below are the five stages to watch out for:

 

1. Sends too many text messages (more than three unsolicited, unresponded-to texts per day).

2. Inappropriate Facebook postings.

3. Knocks on door of unlisted home address—unannounced, uninvited, and un-hot.

4. Rolls up to you in the club when you're doing work on other targets, thereby becoming Captain Cockblock of the Century.

5. Certified Stalker Bitch. At every personal appearance. Jealous of your relationship with your mother and sister, etc. Pauly D, who dealt with his own stalker situation, had to drop this knowledge on his Stage Five Clinger: “You're stalking my life. You're stalking my whole life on the boardwalk.” If you suspect you're dealing with a Stage Five situation, I suggest you tie a bell around her neck. Tell her it's from Tiffany's.

M
y mother is like any other good Italian mom. She instilled in me those important values of good food and good fun, surrounded by friends and family. When you look at my astonishing physique you probably think to yourself,
This kid must eat nothing but molten steel
. That's a common misconception. And while I do focus on foods that fuel my body rather than sap it of its energy, I enjoy a wide range of culinary delights. Each day, I rise eager to face whatever new challenges are thrown my way. To remain alert until the wee hours of the morning, when I'm still bumping in the club (or motorboating in the Jacuzzi), I'm picky about the foods I consume and treat my body like the temple it is.

I eat six meals a day. Working out as hard, and as often, as I do burns a lot of calories (for example, right now I'm writing this chapter while donkey pressing four hundred pounds). Whether you're cooking chicken cutlets, chicken Parm, chicken piccata, chicken Marsala, chicken scampi, chicken Francese, chicken cacciatore, or just chicken, the secret ingredient to every meal is love. And also garlic.

My whole approach to cooking is that there's no challenge in the kitchen that intimidates me. I'm willing to take a shot at preparing any recipe. I remember once during the taping of the first season of
Jersey Shore
someone asked if I knew how to cook lobsters. I said, “No. But I'll give it a try.” I didn't know what I was doing but I'm not afraid to give
anything
a try. Except doing dudes. I'm just not down for that. Sorry, guys.

If you want to crush it like The Sitch, you can't go skipping your first of the six meals of the day. Hesitation equals flab, so the second you rise, you need to get your wake-up smoothie into you. Pronto.

Eating is a social activity. If you're going to coordinate a feast, you should not be eating it standing at your kitchen counter. Sit down like a human being, surround yourself with good friends and family, and enjoy a little wine and conversation. It's good for the digestion.

If there are any problems or issues amongst your peeps, the family-style dinner is the time to fix them. If Joey got twisted the night before and started creeping on Tommy's chick, let them work it out over pasta fazool. How is anyone going to stay mad when the food is so good?

When it comes time to clear and wash the dishes, the rule is simple: If you cooked the feast, you don't lift a finger to clean up. It's karma, baby (again: not the club, the Eastern philosophy). What you put out in the universe, the universe sends back to you. So, if you cook a meal with love, then that love comes back to you in the form of manual labor. Hey, I'm the man of the house. I can't loosen my belt and take a nap if I'm elbow-deep in Palmolive. That's just physics.

A great way to show a lady she's special is to take her to a classy establishment for a fine meal. Good food and a romantic atmosphere is the ideal setting to lay the important groundwork for subsequent smooshing.

I begin every date by being polite and sweet to my lady, which means I open up every door for her, pull out her chair, help her with her order, lift my T-shirt so she can inspect my abs—whatever is going to make her feel more comfortable and at ease with The Sitch. Especially on a first date. One mistake you want to avoid is looking like a clown by showing up at a restaurant having forgotten to make a reservation. The worst way to start a date is with both of you sitting on some bench for forty-five minutes like you're waiting for a Greyhound at Port Authority. Repeat after Sitch: “I will make a reservation.” You're going to be a gentleman and a class act all the way on your date by calling ahead to make all the arrangements. You're going to arrive on time and you're going to make sure you're seated at a nice table away from the noise at the bar and that swinging door to the kitchen (unless the waitresses are really hot and you want to check them out as they shuttle back and forth).

It's a smart move to bring a first date to a restaurant you often frequent; a place where you know the staff and you're confident that you'll receive top-notch service. Being on a first-name basis with the staff and being given the red carpet treatment doesn't hurt when it comes to impressing a classy chick. And, yeah, you can't go wrong taking a first date to an Italian restaurant. The food and the atmosphere at a great Italian restaurant are pretty straightforward, allowing you to focus on the time you're spending with each other. Some bros consider dinner a necessary evil as interlude before climbing naked together into the Jacuzzi. (For the record, it is, but you can't let on that it is.)

The last thing you want to do is pick up your date, start driving blindly out on the Parkway, then turn and say, “That place looks good, I guess. Let's eat there.” If you roll up to a place out of the blue, having never been there before and having done zero recon, that's the moment your date will know you're a clown. Maybe you've been to the Olive Garden in Toms River, NJ, but does that mean you can trust that the Olive Garden in Eatontown, NJ, will be just as classy? Do you know for a fact that the chicken scampi will be succulent and the breadsticks unlimited at this strange new Olive Garden? No, dude, you don't. Because you didn't do your recon. You can nail the GTL and the GTL Remix, but you can't fake being a class act. Crushing the restaurant scene is no different than crushing your abs: You've got to do the work, bro.

Some guys make a rule of ordering for their dates after they discuss her likes and dislikes. This can be seen by her as macho and/or gentlemanly, but it can also backfire hard-core. The rule for this element of any date is that every situation is a different situation and every chick is a different chick. That's why I say I like my clothes like my women . . . options. But don't make the mistake of presuming that one thing you did in the past that impressed a chick is going to then impress every chick thereafter. That philosophy is not respectful to the hot lady seated across the table from you. Being bold depends a lot on the vibe you're feeling on a particular date. As a general rule, I prefer to remain polite and sweet and defer to her preference by saying things like, “Honey, would you like to have an appetizer or a salad? What sort of things do you enjoy?” Or, “Hey, I've never tried this dish before, would you like to try it together?” Or, “Would you like to eat dessert off my genitals or should I eat it off yours?” Make it about her and not you. Be confident, but keep the lines of communication open because, if you act too boldly, she may already be thinking, “If he's making my decisions for me at this early stage, what trouble does that foretell for our future?” Keep it simple, dawg. Your primary objective is to get the evening's focus out of her head, onto the table, and hopefully later, under your sheets.