Here's the Situation (12 page)

I maintain a strict diet all week, but allow myself a wide latitude on one special day per week which I call “Cheat Day.” So, if I want to have a piece of my mom's cheesecake, or kill a guy, it's all good. Pretty much anything goes on Cheat Day.

I've often heard women referred to as “pieces of meat,” which is just crass. The very idea of categorizing a beautiful woman as a food item is absurd. Especially when not properly defined, as I'm about to do now:

The bottom line is that they should all be cooked to a crisp on the outside while remaining pink and juicy on the inside.

It's all about caring for your body and making smart choices about how you treat it and what you put inside it. That is, unless you're a chick I'm creeping on at the club. In that case you should keep a very open mind about what you put inside your body. Specifically, me.

I
tend to rotate through relationships with women at a faster pace than the average creeper. This high turnover rate has helped me fine-tune my various philosophies on life and love. I don't want to waste a girl's time if we both know we're not meant to be together. Eventually, when I find the right girl, I won't need to make any excuses or offer any explanations because everything will feel right and we'll both know it.

Because I'm a famous TV dude, women throw themselves at me. But it's for all the wrong reasons. When it comes to love, I know I need to yank a lot of weeds to get to the flowers. It's hard for me to know these days, since The Situation has become a household name, if a girl is showing feelings toward me because of my fame or because of who I am as a person. In a sense it's as though the roles have reversed. Now I have to be the one to scrutinize the motivations and sincerity of any girl that's creeping on me. I wouldn't say that I put my guard up more—because I rarely do that, if at all—it's just that I'm navigating uncharted territory and learning as I go from my occasional mistakes and my epic successes.

In my years of playing the game I've come to this conclusion: There are different levels of chick. It's like an inverted pyramid with the wide part at the top—this is your mix of grenades, land mines, and other low-hanging fruit—tapering into the narrowest classification of female that exists: Girlfriend Material, or perhaps even, “The One.” Once you get beyond the riff-raff at the club (i.e., grenade launchers, zoo creatures, hypnotic hyenas, trash bags, etc.), girls break down into five categories, from sleeper to keeper. Here is my field guide for the classifications of chick that every creeper should know:

Oftentimes, a guy might look at a chick and think, “She's hot but not girlfriend hot.” Sometimes the reality is that a guy will see a girl and have a primal, caveman reaction to her body. He definitely wants to pound her out but doesn't foresee the relationship progressing any further. For a creeper viewing a chick in this way, it is a purely physical attraction with little to no emotional attachment. This caveman principle operates both ways, of course. Once again, science informs us. A recent peer-reviewed report published by the Creeper Institute of Situationomics states definitively that a woman will choose a man who's physically fit and sexually desirable. A man who exudes confidence and strength to a potential mate over his pastier, doughier, and less Italian-American rival, resulting in the eventual disappearance of that rival's inferior DNA from the gene pool.

At this level, a guy is attracted to a girl physically, and freely bangs her, but he can't determine if she's cute enough to take her around with him to places where she'll be seen—especially by his bros. As a result, the guy finds himself constantly watching movies on her couch. This strategy soon becomes conspicuous. Before long the girl will ask herself, “Why is this guy not taking me out to dinner? Why is he always making excuses for why we don't go out together? How many more times can we watch
Sopranos
episodes on HBO On Demand?” Truth is, the guy is making excuses to her because he already made up his mind at the jump what classification she falls into: Guidette, Fourth Class.

A good-looking girl who's on the wrong side of gorgeous. Not a love-at-first-sight-type girl, but still, someone you're vibing with instantly and want to take out on a real date. Nothing crazy, just a basic date to see what happens. What the guy has decided at the outset is that he doesn't mind being seen with her in public, so he starts simple by taking her to a movie. That's a safe first excursion into the world together because she's only briefly viewed in public (moving swiftly from the vehicle to the door). Then for the rest of the date you're safely hidden inside a dark theater.

Then there is the drop-dead gorgeous girl that you definitely want to be seen out with. This is a girl you're going to invite to dinner, giving her the benefit of your full GTL and GTL Remix rituals. This is a girl who makes you want to look and feel your freshest and be on your best behavior. You put real effort into courting this girl because you're willing to see where the relationship leads.

Too many chicks mistakenly assume that just because a guy asks them out on a date, she has firmly secured her positioning at the Date Level (Third Class or above). Not necessarily so. To determine her true classification, she must evaluate the actual time she's spending with a guy, and most important, the quality of that time. A beautiful girl who is out to dinner with a guy most certainly believes this to be a normal activity and that all girls are treated in this same fashion. She believes that a guy will spend his hard-earned resources on every girl he's attracted to. She believes this because she's beautiful and blissfully unaware that millions of busted grenades, land mines, and zoo creatures, all around the world, must struggle to earn those date night opportunities. In short, she's spoiled because she's super-hot.

Beautiful, smart, classy, and cooks a mean chicken cutlet. Could be “The One.” This is no chick, this is a
lady
. She's the girl you take home to meet your mom.

A common mistake guys make is in treating a girl—any girl—like gold. It's the law of diminishing returns, bro. If you always treat a girl like a princess, she's going to get bored. You present no challenge for her. Take it from The Sitch, girls want to work for love. If one person in the relationship is doing all the pushing, and no one is pushing back, that's not a good situation. In life, or in banging.