High Anxiety (14 page)

“That’ll be great,” Mona said. “I’m expecting my mood will be even worse.”

 

 

As always, Mike
was happy to see me. Of course, there was no way to know if she was just showing devotion to her master or if she was hoping for a burger.

I saw that I only had little more than an hour before I was to meet Thad, and I needed to upgrade my outfit. I hurried upstairs, chose the little black dress that women everywhere knew was indispensable because it worked for high-end restaurants, cocktail parties, and funerals. I added a single strand of pearls that my grandmother had given me, stepped into black pumps, and started downstairs.

The doorbell rang.

I peered through the peephole and found a man on the other side whom I did not recognize. Since I didn’t make a habit of opening my door to strangers, I tiptoed away.

I was standing at the kitchen sink freshening Mike’s water when someone knocked on the back door, almost causing me to jump out of my skin. I pulled the curtain aside and found the same stranger staring back at me. I unlocked the dead bolt but kept my chain in place.

“May I help you?” I asked.

“My name is Brother Love,” he said, drawing the words out with a flourish and reminding me of a preacher I’d once heard shouting scripture from a street corner. “Your neighbor, Bitsy Stout, is concerned about you.”

I didn’t believe for one minute that his last name was Love. “Look, I’m in a bit of a rush,” I said.

“Sister Stout can’t sleep at night because she worries about your wicked ways.”

“My wicked ways?” I said, then frowned. “Are you sure you’ve got the right house? There’s just not that much excitement going on around here.”

“You have been blinded by the devil to your own sins, Sister Kate. But there is no reason to lose hope. I can show you the way.”

I was quickly getting irritated. I was more interested in showing
him
the way off my property. “Listen up, Brother whatever your last name really is. First of all, I’m not your sister. Secondly, you don’t know anything about me. So you need to remove yourself from my property and leave me alone.”

I closed the door and locked the dead bolt. I had to wonder if there was a sane person in Bitsy’s church.

 

 

 

* * *

Thad and I
arrived at the restaurant only minutes apart. He was his usual gorgeous self, blond and tanned and wearing a suit that probably cost more than all my monthly bills combined. We were led to a table for two, and Thad pulled my chair out for me. I smelled soap and aftershave. He’d showered beforehand.

“You look lovely as always, Kate,” he said.

“Thank you.”

Thad took the chair across the table from me and smiled. “This reminds me of that quaint little place we used to go to when we were at Emory. What was the name of it?”

“Antoine’s,” I said. “That was a long time ago,” I added.

“Not so long.”

Our waiter appeared. Thad reached for the wine list. “I wonder if they have that white wine you like so well,” he said.

“You don’t need to order a bottle on my behalf,” I told him and looked at the waiter. “I’ll just have a glass of your house chardonnay.”

Thad looked disappointed. “Scotch and water for me,” he said. “Preferably Dewar’s.”

“Of course, sir.” The waiter nodded and moved away.

I glanced at Thad and noted the amusement lurking in his eyes. “What?”

“I forgot to mention that I saw your picture in the newspaper.”

I gave a heartfelt sigh. “So did everyone else.”

“You did a brave thing.”

“Thank you,” I said. “You’re the first person who hasn’t called me an idiot.”

“Including Jay?”

I did not like talking to Thad about Jay. “He wasn’t thrilled that I stepped in the line of fire. He can be weird like that.”

“Doesn’t he know you’re not the type to just stand by and watch something bad happen to another person?”

“It didn’t seem to matter.”

“Well, I’m not him. I applaud your bravery, Kate.”

I saw that he was sincere, but I tried to prevent my dangling nerve endings from wrapping themselves around the tenderness in his voice. Thad could play me, and every other woman, like a fiddle. I opened my menu and studied it closely. The waiter appeared with our drinks.

“Would you care for an appetizer?” the man asked once he’d served our cocktails.

Thad nodded. “Indeed we would. The lovely lady and I would like to start with the goose liver pâté,” he said. “Extra capers on the side, and please dice the onions smaller than usual.” He looked at me. “Is that okay with you?”

“Sounds great,” I said, suddenly remembering how fussy Thad was when it came to dining out.

“Would you like to hear the specials?” the waiter asked.

“Of course,” Thad said.

I smiled as the man began a litany of food dishes that were preceded by adjectives like
succulent
or
tender
or
luscious
.

“I already know what I want,” I said, only to have the waiter give me a hurt look, as though he thought I found his recitation dull. “I’ll take the filet mignon with béarnaise sauce. Medium rare,” I added. “Bleu cheese on the salad.”

He wrote it down and turned to Thad.

“I’ll have the succulent bay scallops with the tender new potatoes,” Thad said.

The waiter gave him a broad smile. “Excellent choice.”

Finally, Thad and I were alone. I took a sip of my wine and tried to relax. “So?” I said lightly. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Us,” he said, reaching across the table and taking my hands in his. “You and me.”

I yanked my
hands away. “Dammit, Thad! You misled me
again
, and I was dumb enough to fall for it,
again
.”

“I didn’t mislead you,” he said quickly. “I
do
have something important to discuss with you, but it’s equally important that I know where you and I stand. You’re the only woman I’ve ever told I loved and meant it.”

“Gee, wouldn’t that make you the world’s biggest jerk?”

“We could have made it, Kate,” he went on, “if you had given me a second chance. If you hadn’t run off and married Jay on the rebound.”

I closed my eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. “Thad, how many times do I have to tell you that I did not marry Jay to get back at you? I married him because I loved him.”

“And yet the two of you have lived separately for how many months now? And dare I bring up the fact that you’re still legally divorced?”

“You know darn well I had planned to stop the divorce from going through,” I said.

“Nevertheless, I’d have thought two people madly in love would have remarried by now.”

“We’re still seeing a marriage counselor,” I said, wondering why I was trying to defend my relationship with Jay. Actually, our marriage counseling had been put on hold temporarily, so the therapist and I could work together on some of my issues. “I’ve already explained all of this to you, Thad. Why do you insist on rehashing it?”

He sat back in his chair. “I’m seriously thinking of closing my practice and moving to West Palm Beach.”

I blinked several times. “Why would you do that? You have a very lucrative practice here.”

“An old friend of mine is looking for a partner. You wouldn’t believe how much psychiatrists make in West Palm. I could work half the hours for twice the money.”

“You already work half the hours for twice the money.”

“West Palm Beach is a beautiful place, Kate. I could get in more golf and tennis and sailing.” He stirred his glass of scotch with a swizzle stick. His smile faded as he lifted the glass to his lips.

“Does this have anything to do with Liz Jones?” I asked. “Because I’ve already told you, the woman appears to be giving it second thoughts. She doesn’t want to look like a fool.” I gave him a brief rundown of the conversation I’d had with her.

He leaned back in his chair. “As much as I appreciate you taking care of that matter, it has nothing to do with West Palm.” He sighed. “The thing is, I’m thirty-six years old. I need a change.”

Our pâté arrived. Thad spread some of it on a wafer, added capers and chopped onions, and offered it to me. I thanked him. I waited until he’d prepared a cracker for himself before tasting mine. It was delicious. Still, I was trying to digest the news he’d just given me.

“You don’t look very happy,” he said. “Does that mean you would miss me if I went away?”

“Are you nuts? Of course I would miss you.” It was true that Thad’s first love was himself, and he was as shallow as they come, but he had come through for me many times when I’d found myself in a jam. I suppose I’d never considered how much he actually meant to me, once I’d gotten past how angry I’d felt when I caught him cheating on me in his hot tub.

“You could always come with me,” he said.

Our gazes met. The candle on our table tossed a soft glow on Thad’s face, and he looked almost vulnerable; his brown eyes appeared lighter in color, as though shot with gold. Our waiter picked that moment to arrive with our salads. I was glad to have a moment to myself.

I cleared my throat. “That’s not going to happen, Thad,” I said once we were alone.

He took a sip of his drink. There was no teasing light in his eyes anymore, just a flat stare. I suddenly felt very sad. Like when I’d graduated from high school and my friends and I went our separate ways, on to various colleges. Same with grad school. Saying good-bye had always been hard for me, because my worst fear was loss. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why.

“What are you thinking?” Thad asked.

I shrugged. “I guess I assumed you’d always be around.”

“I have been around, Kate. You just haven’t noticed.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I made one mistake, and I’m going to pay for it for the rest of my life.”

“There was more to our breakup than your propensity to get women naked in your hot tub,” I said, “but I don’t want to discuss it. It’s too late for us, Thad.”

We both sipped our drinks in a tense silence.

The waiter retrieved our uneaten salads. He seemed to sense the unease at our table, because he made no sound.

“I shouldn’t have come,” I said. “This was a mistake.”

“Why? Because I’m asking the hard questions that you can’t or won’t ask yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to know if you have any feelings left for me.”

I grappled for an answer. “How could I not?” I said finally. “You were my first real love.” Much to my embarrassment, I felt a tear slide down one cheek. I swiped at it.

“Oh, crap, you’re not going to cry, are you?” he said. “Please don’t do that.”

“I’m not crying,” I said, trying to blot my tears with my napkin. This time when Thad reached for my hand, I let him hold it. Something inside of me hurt so much, it felt like one of my organs had been cut out and the wound was still exposed and raw. “You’re right about Jay and me. We should have worked things out by now. It’s just
stuff
keeps getting in the way. Why is that?”

His smile was rueful. “I don’t know, Kate. I can’t even figure out my own life.”

“I’ve got to get out of here,” I said as fresh tears overtook me. “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like eating anything right now.”

Thad motioned for the waiter, and the man seemed to appear out of nowhere. If he noticed my tears, at least he pretended not to.

“Would you box our food and bring the check?” Thad said. “The lady and I would like to take a walk.”

 

 

Thad and I
walked for ten minutes before I could pull myself together. He held two take-out boxes in one arm, and the other was draped over my shoulders, as though he feared I might run screaming off into the night.

“I am so glad you could attend my meltdown,” I said, my voice hoarse from crying and my head pounding.

“It’s probably a delayed response to the shooting,” Thad offered.

I shook my head sadly. “I’m
so
not in a position to treat people with emotional problems,” I said. “Nothing is going right, and my anxiety level is at an all-time high. Mona’s got hives, and I know I’m partly to blame because of all the stress I bring into her life. I’ve got religious fanatics knocking on my door, trying to save me from going to hell because they think I’m an atheist and a jezebel. And wouldn’t you know it, the girl I hired to fill in for Mona is a weirdo.”

“What do you mean?” Thad asked.

“I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe she’s just nosy, but she asks more questions than my mother, and she stands too close.” He gave me an odd look. “You know, she’s in my personal space,” I added. “It’s enough to give someone a bad case of heebie-jeebies.

“Why don’t you ask the agency for a replacement?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I said, between a sigh and a whine. “She needs the money, and she’s so down on herself that I hate to give her another reason to feel bad.”

“Yes, but if she’s not working out—”

“She’s trying so hard, Thad,” I said, remembering how she had cleaned the kitchenette and bathrooms. “And she has no family or friends in town. It’s complicated.” I tried to ignore my pounding head. “And that’s not even the worst of it,” I added. “I’ve got to attend a family reunion this weekend with a bunch of hog farmers. Hog farmers! And God forbid Jay should pick up the phone and let me know he’s okay. Is that too much to ask?”

“Aw, Kate, no wonder you’re stressed.” Thad pulled me closer and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.

“And now you’re talking of leaving,” I said and began sobbing in earnest. “Perfect damn timing, Thad,” I said, giving him a punch in the arm.

He stopped walking and looked at me. I could see him clearly under the streetlamp. “I will never be so far away that you can’t pick up a phone and reach me immediately.”