Him Her Them Boxed Set (19 page)

"Thank you for showing up today Dr. Powell. I just wanted to let you know that we here in the department are shocked by Ryan's, I mean Dr. Collard's actions. Take as much time as you need, your place will be here when you return."

I stare blankly at Dr. Watter. The mention or thought of that time with Ryan leaves me cold and empty as if there is a black hole where once there was life. I've been having a hard time with that lately, feeling I mean. I don't feel anything except fear...for anyone. Ryan stole that from me and I think that's what he was trying to do last week, steal my happiness. Congratulations to him, he accomplished what he set out to do.

I nod at Dr. Watter as he nervously wrings his hands. Dr. Watter a very distinguished looking man in his 50's. I have never seen him break a sweat in the five years I have known him, but right now you could fill a bucket with liquid from the handkerchief he is using to dab at his brow.

"Yes, Dr. Watter, I was thinking of returning on Monday. There is a lot of research still left unfinished and I..."

I stare out of his window lost in thought. That has happened quite a bit lately, me not finishing my sentences. Spacing out. This isn't me. I don't drift and I very much do feel all things, very rarely fear. But I'm having a negative reaction to what Ryan did to me and I can't seem to shake it.

Dr. Watter clears his throat and looks over to his assistant, Nina, who is looking at me with concern on her face. Dr. Watter felt it would be better if there is a female in the room with us. After what happened, he knows as a psychologist that many women develop a fear of men. For me, that has morphed from academic knowledge to startlingly visceral truth in a matter of minutes.

"Jos. Can I call you Jos?"

I nod again.

"Jos, take as much time as you need. I was going to wait until you came back from your time off to tell you but I think you might need some good news. Well, I hope you still think of it as good news. You got the position. You are a full professor now. We made our decision last week and were going to tell you this past Friday, but well, you know. Anyway, congratulations!"

He is standing now, leaning over his desk and reaching out to shake my hand. I stand and give him a firm grasp. A week ago I would have been ecstatic but now, well, I think you know how I feel, numb.

He tells me there will be a party when I return, nothing fancy just cake and some catered food. Once we finish I head back toward my car, passing briefly outside of my office. It still has police tape covering it and it hits me, I am the victim of a crime scene. Oh shit!

Just like that the tears flow and I feel again. The emotion is overwhelming sadness and anger all at once. Logically I know I am a victim, but seeing the crime scene, basically untouched as if wrapped in a bow waiting for my eyes, brings everything about that day crashing down on me. The images of Ryan pinning me to my desk, calling me a tease and a whore. He kept hitting me thinking that would stop my struggle but it just angered me more.

Then when it all stopped and I was free, all I could see was the darkness in Pierce's eyes. It was like a button had been pressed and cold hatred consumed him. I wonder, would he have killed him if I hadn't have stopped him? That expression he gave sent chills through me. When he finally let go of Ryan, after knocking him unconscious, when he touched me I was scared. I had never jumped from his touch before, but something changed and I was afraid. I thought it was the shock of all that happened to me, but looking at the yellow tape and the memories flowing through my head, I still get a chill when I think of Pierce. I'm angry at Ryan and saddened that he felt the need to treat me that way. But with Pierce I hate to admit it, but I am still afraid.

I'm shaking so hard I know I can't drive, so I get out my phone. I flip through my contacts and notice Pierce's name. He's called every day, several times each day. Yet, I've been ignoring him. I haven't seen him since that day. Perhaps I owe him an explanation, he saved me after all, but I can't bring myself to even hear his voice.

I press Luna's number and after two rings she picks up.

"Jos, you okay? What do you need hon?"

Everyone has been treating me like a lost child and I guess in some aspects I am. I am used to helping people who have experienced this, not the other way around. It's not so easy to hold your head high and feel strong when your mind views every stranger as a potential threat. It's a depressing paranoia that has caused me to live like a hermit for the past several days. I hate that Ryan did this to me and I want to show him and the world how strong I really am, to walk outside everyday as if nothing ever happened.

Since this has happened whenever my hand reaches the doorknob to the front door of my place I freeze. The invisible hand of fear grabs me and pulls me back to my room, laying me down in the comforting fabric of my quilted bed. I had to force myself out the door today to meet with Dr. Watter. I should talk to someone, a professional, I know this. I'm a psychologist for Christ sake! Yet, that hand grabs me again and whispers in my ear to just give it time, it will fade. So, I spend my days lying in bed watching mind numbing television trying to feel something.

"No." I whisper my response into the phone, hoping it's loud enough for Luna to hear.

"Oh Jos. Do you need me to come home? I have a big meeting in a few minutes, but I can be home after that."

I hadn't told her I was coming into work to meet with my boss, she probably would have forbade it, her role of mother, protector, all-consuming her.

"I'm actually at my office. I had to meet Dr. Watter today to discuss when I might return." My voice a bit louder now, but rough and cracked.

Silence.

"Luna?"

"Why didn't you tell me Jos? I would have canceled my meeting today and taken you. I don't want you going there without someone to help."

"I...I..."

"It doesn't matter now. What's done is done. You just let me know next time. I am going to call Corbin to come get you okay? And I'll try to get out of the meeting early as it's too late to cancel now."

"No!" My voice jumps into a high pitched squeal.

"I have to go hon. If I had given my boss a few hours' notice I could have canceled, but it's too late now. I'm sorry."

"Not that. I...I don't want to see Corbin. I don't want to be alone with him."

I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Corbin is a sweet man who I have nothing but respect for, but I can't even be left alone with a man who I know won't hurt me. He came over on Sunday to check on me and to see Luna. When she excused herself to use the bathroom I had a panic attack. Corbin tried to help, but the closer he got to me the more I screamed. Looking back it's sort of humorous as Luna came running out with her shorts and panties down by her ankles scooting as fast as she could. Her bare ass pushed into the air as she tripped trying to reach me.

I smirk at the memory but refuse to be left alone with a man now, even if it is Corbin.

"Fine Jos. Look I have to go now, but I will be calling someone to come get you and they will be female, I promise."

"Thank you." I am back to whispering.

"I love you, you know that. I just want you to be your happy old robotic self."

I smile remembering how she used to call me a robot. How I rationalize everything and am never embarrassed or surprised by anything. She told me once in college, "Jos, you are too logical for your own good." I looked at her curiously and that's when she came up with the nickname robot. Once we got older and she learned more about me the nickname sort of died away, but when I am sad she brings it back up. She knows it makes me smile.

"I know. I love you too. See you soon."

"Bye Jos."

The phone goes dead and I walk over to a bench underneath a bulletin board full of flyers about tutoring, case studies and items being sold. I get lost in reading each sheet of paper, trying to imagine what the person was thinking when they posted the flyer. Were they excited about the prospect of earning extra cash or irritated at the professor who assigned them the case study that may not be the focus of the field they will eventually pursue?

My mind fills with these imaginary people and their emotions, so I don't notice anyone there until I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see Miss. Carver standing close with a sweet smile on her face. She lifts her arms and pulls me in for a tight hug. I'm in shock as she is the last person I expect to see. She finally pulls back when it's obvious I am not returning the hug.

"Oh Jos, it's lovely to see you again hon. How are you holding up?"

"What...What are you doing here Miss. Carver?"

"Jennifer, hon, call me Jennifer. Luna sent me to pick you up. She is quite worried about you. Everyone is." She looks away from me for a moment and I know who the 'everyone' is that she is referring to.

"I'm...fine Miss...I mean Jennifer. It wasn't necessary to come get me. I will just take a cab home."

I pull away from her and head toward the stairwell when I feel her arm snake through mine.

"Nonsense hon. My car is perfectly safe and I promise not to charge you a fee."

She winks up at me. Based on Jennifer's small stature I can only assume Pierce got his height from his father.

As much as I like Jennifer and think she is a kind lady, I don't want her around right now. She is Pierce's mom and I don't want her to bring him up. How do you explain to someone's mother that her son scares you? Perhaps if I remain silent she will get the hint and just drop me off.

We make it to her car, an old blue Honda civic, well-kept but has seen better days. She helps me inside and embarrassment consumes me as she gets into her side and starts the car. She is so gentle and sweet, but all I want is for her to go away.

"I know this isn't my place hon, but I just want you to know that Pierce is very worried about you. Yes, he's my son, but I don't want you to feel that you can't confide in me. If you wish to unburden yourself, feel free. I won't tell anything you don't want me to."

She smiles at me, and then turns her eyes back to the road as she maneuvers the car out of the parking garage and onto the busy city street.

"I just need some time I think. It's not just Pierce, it seems to be all men. I'm sure you found out how I freaked out on Corbin on Sunday. He didn't even do anything, just sat there and smiled at me, asked if I wanted water and then all of the sudden it felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. He saw my concern and tried to get closer to help, but the more he moved toward me the more I...freaked."

I turn my head to look out on the street, watching the blur pass me by. We sat in silence for a minute until Jennifer spoke again.

"I understand hon. Did Pierce tell you about his father?"

I whip my head around and stare at her as she watches the road.

"No."

Why is she suddenly talking about his father? Perhaps she is trying to distract me from my own problems.

"I suspect he didn't. Well, his father wasn't a nice man. Oh sure in the beginning he was the sweetest and funniest man I had ever met, but he changed. Once Pierce was born he took up dealing to make some money to help support us. I begged him not to, but he refused to listen. Then, when Pierce was around three his father, Jack, started using the drugs he dealt."

I watched her as she spoke, her soft expression growing hard and bitter.

"Then one day he came home high as a kite and hit me. He took me in the bedroom and well, I think you know what happened. I tolerated it at the time since where we lived I was expected to turn a blind eye because he was my husband. When Pierce was ten his father came home with lipstick on his neck and other places. He smelled of smoke, alcohol and perfume. We got into a fight and he hit me, but this time Pierce stood up for me."

She turned her head for a moment, tears lining her eyes, but with a proud smile.

"What I couldn't do for myself, my ten year old son did for me. He stood in front of me and demanded Jack stop hurting me. So, Jack smacked Pierce. But he didn't just do that, he almost beat my son to death."

We have made it to my place and she pulls over, which I am thankful for because she is shaking now. I lean over and place my hand on hers, as it grips the steering wheel.

"I took Pierce to the hospital. The police and social services showed. I explained what happened, but Jack had disappeared. They caught him a few years later in Philly, some big drug bust. But because he was also wanted for child abuse they sent him to prison here. When Pierce made that money in college I knew his father would come after him, demanding his 'share' as it were. So, I decided to make Pierce disappear."

"Disappear?" I look at her in confusion.

"Yes, you see Josephine, his real name isn't Pierce Carver. Carver is my maiden name. So, Miss Carver is who I was before I married Jack. Once I married him I became Mrs. Thompson. Pierce was born Jack Ryan Thompson II. I divorced Jack while he was in jail. When I went to see him to tell him I was divorcing him he asked about Jack junior, so I lied and said he died in a gang shoot out. A stray bullet had got him. He cried and vowed vengeance, but I knew he was full of hot air."