Hold Me Never (Holding Never) (26 page)

The Emperor trails his hand down my body but instead of
unlocking the shackle around my ankle, he shoves his hand between my
legs and inserts a finger into me.

“
Hmm, you're not wet,” he observes. “Well,
since feeding and fornicating seem to be so intimately linked, maybe
watching some frenzied feeding will make you so horny and so wet
you'll be begging me to fuck you,” he chortles.

I stare at him blankly. As his words sink in, my eyes
swivel from his pale, leering face to the wall of writhing snakes.

Frenzied feeding.

Watching.

My eyes move slowly, sickeningly to the bed.

The Emperor pulls back the covers and snatches up a
fistful of the girl's tangled, golden hair.

“
I did say that there is still some fun to be had
with her.”

I shake my head, refusing to believe that he would
really do it.

No, you can't! You monster!

I swallow the words in pain, knowing that these very
words are the words he wants to illicit from me.

“
Every time you tell me no, I will do it to
her. Every time you tell me to stop, I will carry on for far longer.
Every time you say I can't do it, I most definitely will do it. So
there!”

I can't shout, I can't scream, I can't even breathe.

Grunting as he struggles to move the unconscious girl
from the bed, the Emperor mops his brow in frustration, his skinny
arms shivering.

I stretch out my numb, trembling hand to try to reach
the girl, to hold on to her, to stop him.

A thunderous pounding on the door makes me stagger and
whirl back in shock.

Cursing and swearing, the Emperor stomps over and flings
the double doors open. “What...” he starts.

“
Your Majesty!” A soldier rushes in and
gives a shaky salute. “Your Majesty,” he repeats
breathlessly.

“
What!” the Emperor bellows. “How
dare you interrupt...”

“
Commander Mason sent me with an urgent message
for Your Majesty! He said...that the rebels...in the North...they've
overrun the Northern and Eastern States! Our troops...Commander
Ryleth's unit has been forced to retreat. But...but the Commander,
Commander Ryleth...he...he is...I'm sorry, Your Majesty!”

“
Oh, for God's sake, just spit it out! Where is
Commander Ryleth?”

“
Commander Jaxon Ryleth is...missing, Your
Majesty...feared...” the young soldier stutters, shaking
visibly in his boots.

“
What are you saying? Fool! What has happened to
the Commander?” the Emperor shrieks.

“
Your Majesty, Commander Jaxon Ryleth has been
captured, likely killed by the rebels!”

I grab the bed poster for support at the news. Jaxon,
captured and killed! No, no, he can't be, he can't be dead. He
promised, didn't he? Didn't he promise me that he'd come back?

As my legs give out under me and I slump to the floor, I
hear the Emperor deliver a ringing slap to the soldier's ashen face.
“This is not news I want to hear!” he roars. “How
dare you report such garbage to me! Do I look like I want to hear
this shit? How dare you!” Another resounding slap. “Tell
it to the Empress! Why tell me? Go, go on, tell her! Get out of
here, you worthless piece of...”

I meet the young soldier's wide, frightened eyes, but he
only gives me a frantic shake of his head as he backs out of the
room.

The Emperor slams the doors shut and kicks them, cursing
viciously. His rants and curses are just distant, meaningless noises
to me, noises I hardly care to make out. It is the soldier's final
words that keep echoing in my ears.

I fall forward on my knees and hands, as the whole room
spins away, leaving me in the shadows of grief and denial. No, Jaxon
cannot be dead. He can't. He promised that he would come back. He
said he loved me.

Behind me, in the distant background, I seem to hear
muted footsteps and words. But I raise my hands to my ears to block
them out. No one, nothing is going to intrude on this moment, this
final, fading moment where I am still suspended in shock and
disbelief, where I can still convince myself that he is still alive.
All too soon the bubble will burst, and reality will come crashing
down on me. The reality that Jaxon is gone, forever, and I will
never see him again. I don't want to believe it. It can't be true.
The soldier must have made a horrible, terrible mistake.

Jaxon is coming back. Jaxon is coming back for me! I
know. He promised! He fucking promised me!

I close my eyes, trying to make everything go away.
Everything that I have heard and seen and felt. Every hurt, every
humiliation, every horror. I want to forget everything. Everything!

The shadows and darkness continue crowding in, closing
in on me, swirling and shifting into shapes and whispers around me.
I catch a glimpse of Jaxon's handsome face, and I imagine hearing his
voice once more. I try to turn towards his voice and follow it, but
his voice is already fading away, his words distorting and changing
into animal grunts and pants.

The muttered words and footsteps grow nearer and
heavier, followed by heavy panting and growling. My heart rate
speeds up, and my muscles instinctively tense for an attack. There
may be some wild animal or predator in these shifting shadows. A
beast or a monster that has come to kill me.

I hunch in on myself, refusing to look up. I don't want
to turn around and look into the face of a monster.

“
Say goodbye to your friend.” A thin,
sadistic voice slithers into the cocoon of darkness that I had
wrapped myself in, infiltrating my solitary grief.

I hear the smile in that gloating whisper, feel the
acrid hot breath against my cheek.

Reluctantly, instinctively, I crack my eyelids open.

My eyes don't focus immediately. All I see at first is
a colorless, hazy image in front of me, an image with wild orange
hair, and thin red lips stretched wide.

A memory from long ago filters through the fog in my
brain. I've seen a clown once, a very long time ago. As a small
child, I had seen a clown in a street performance. He had bright
orange hair, a glowing nose, big red lips that smiled even though his
eyes were sad. He juggled and rode a unicycle and performed with all
sorts of animals. And he finished all his acts with a loud “Ta-da!”

I raise my head warily.

“
Ta-da!” the Emperor shouts, throwing his
hands in the direction of the glass wall.

The hazy memory from my childhood screams into a
nightmare right before my eyes.

The snakes are moving away from the glass wall,
slithering and leaping onto the dark, writhing mess in the middle of
the glass enclosure. The swelling mess of snakes takes the form of a
human body. A raw, excruciating sound of horror and anguish tears
from my throat. No!

No!

I can still see the girl's face, the only part of her
yet untouched by those hissing, ravenous snakes. She looks like she
is asleep, soundly asleep under that blanket of venomous snakes.

A thin, gray snake slides through her golden hair and
over her face. It worms its way into her mouth, leaving only the tip
of its tail curling at the corner of her colorless lips. In an
instant, other snakes swarm over her face, covering her entirely with
their shiny, scaly bodies. Even her soft, blond hair has transformed
into a nest of writhing snakes. The last strand of her beautiful,
golden hair disappears from my view under the murder of dripping
fangs and yawning jaws that lead into burning, acidic bellies.

She is gone.

Gone.

Horribly, terribly.

I never knew her name, but I will never forget her
smile. I drop to the floor, a high-pitched keening sound rising from
me. The cry is visceral and guttural, slicing through every nerve in
my body. But my eyes are completely dry. Dry and cold and hateful.
I have no tears, only unadulterated, unimaginable pain which slowly
congeals into cold hatred and murderous rage.

My head snaps up, my face twisted into a demonic,
demented mask of madness.

“
You monster! You are worse than a monster!”
I lunge at the Emperor, claws out, teeth bared. “You sick
bastard! You're not human! I will kill you, you dirty, weak piece
of shit! I will kill you, over and over for what you have done!
Die! Die! Go to hell!” I screech, my voice hoarse with
hysteria. I lurch forward so forcefully the whole bed creaks and
rattles as the shackle jerks me back violently.

“
I will kill you! I will bloody kill you! I
swear! You murdered her, you murdered all of them! Why? Why!”

I claw the air, screaming, snarling and drooling. My
curled fingers reach wildly for his thin, pale neck. But the Emperor
steps deftly out of my reach and dabs a bead of sweat from his
forehead.

“
Why? Why? Because I can,” he answers
coolly. “I just did it. Look!” He points a skinny
finger at the swollen knot of devouring snakes. “But—I
am not the murderer. You are. Look, see for yourself. Look what
you did to her. She's in there because of you. Because...of...you.”
He pokes a finger into my chest. “You put her in there. Not
me. You! You did,” he says with a pout. “This is all
your fault.”

He shoves me backwards and I don't resist. With a gasp
and a sob, I stumble back, all the fight suddenly leaching out of me.
My back slams against the solid bed post and I grip it tightly for
support.

Why didn't I save her? Why couldn't I have done
something to help her? Why did I let her die?

Against my will, my eyes creep slowly up to that awful
glass enclosure. A large snake has its jaws stretched over the
girl's head, swallowing her deeper into its belly. Wisps of her
blond hair flutter from the reptile's mouth.

Would that have been me, if Jaxon hadn't lied for me?
If I had been dressed in that red gossamer dress the night of the
Midnight Feast? Is she dead because of me? Am I now her
replacement?

The Emperor is whistling softly as he draws the thick
black curtains over the glass wall.

Show's over. Next!

“
No, no,” I mutter, shaking my head
repeatedly.

I look up at the Emperor.

“
You can't do that,” I tell him numbly.
“You can't. You can't do anything. You are nothing but a
goddamned coward.”

The Emperor stalks to me, and I close my eyes. From the
look on his face, I know full well what is coming.

Sure enough, a kick lands on my shin, and a fist buries
itself in my belly. I remain standing for as long as I can as the
blows come fast and furious. I don't fight back. The blows come
down hard, raining on my head, my shoulders, my breasts, my back, all
over me.

I stand with my face upturned, feeling splatters of my
blood across my cheek. I remain on my feet, swaying and smiling ever
so slightly, until the pain becomes too much.

Even as I thud to the floor, the kicking and shrieking
continue, churning like a tornado above me.

I curl up on the floor and raise my arms over my head to
shield my face. The Emperor carries on his tantrum, stomping and
spitting on me, pummeling me like a punching bag, wheezing out an
expletive with every blow.

I endure his assault in silence. At first, the pain is
welcome, and the physical pain in my body distracts me from the
excruciating agony in my heart. When I feel strong enough, I push
myself up, just so the Emperor can strike me down again. And again.
And again.

The numbing blows give release to my inner turmoil and
torment and slowly, strangely, I feel my emotions and strength
returning.

I start to feel the sharp sting of each strike, each
slap, each kick and punch, taste the blood in my mouth, hear the
ringing insults in my ears. As my senses return and feeling surges
through my body, I feel the fresh pain and humiliation acutely. My
hair is plastered to my face, sticky with blood and sweat. My skin
is bruised and broken, my flesh taut and burning. With every panting
curse and blow, every painful insult and slap, the resentment and
regret rise and slowly simmer past boiling point. Regret is useless.
Revenge is powerful.

The spark of anger ignites the fire in my gut, in my
soul. I had been sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of
impotent despair and regret, allowing myself to die even before I'd
had a chance to fight.

I will not succumb to the dark. I will not submit to
the monster!

I will not be beaten and defeated. Not without a fight!

With a gasp, my mind and my body finally break free of
their punishing paralysis. There is no blocking out the horror and
the truth any more.

My eyelids flip open as my lungs swell with air. My
senses and my reflexes slam back with a vengeance. I can see, hear
and feel every blow, even before it is delivered. I catch the blur
of unwieldy movement out of the corner of my eye and hear the soft
whistling in the air as the Emperor's fist comes barreling towards
me.