Hold Me Never (Holding Never) (8 page)

The doctor's eyes bulge behind his glasses. “How
do you...I mean...you know...I...there's going to be...ah...”

“
I patrol her town. I have been there often
enough. I have seen...her,” Jaxon answers tersely.

“
Ah, yes, I see. Yes.” But he doesn't see
anything at all. He is pacing to and fro and hyperventilating. “But
I have to...”

“
If you certify that she is a virgin, doctor, and
it turns out that your certification is...false, the consequences
would be...well, you remember what happened to Dr. Kinner.”
Jaxon glances down at the doctor's leg. “And the punishment
for a second mistake would not be just a broken leg,” he says
pointedly

Dr. Rolin blanches and manages to nod.

“
Just treat her injuries. Don't take too long.
I'm...right here,” Jaxon says, looking directly into my eyes.

“
Yes. Yes, sir.”

The door starts to close. Jaxon doesn't move, just
keeps looking at me, keeps looking at me like it's the first and last
time he's seeing me. The look is filled with raw pain, loathing,
longing and anger.

I collapse onto the steel table with a loud clatter. I
blink up at the doctor, stammering, “W-what are you going to
do? Are you...”
Are you going to insert your hands or your
instruments between my legs, piercing and probing my body?
I
hear an awful sound explode from me. It sounds like a sob, a sigh
and a crazed laugh all rolled into one.

“
I am going to treat your injuries,” is all
he says, as he snaps on a fresh set of gloves.

“
What happened to your leg?” I ask as he
turns my hands over and checks the bruises around my wrists.

He doesn't answer for a long time, just scribbles some
notes onto a pad at his side. He continues examining me without
meeting my eyes. I am about to apologize when I finally hear him
mutter, “Something I won't risk happening again.”

I stare up at the fluorescent lights and listen to the
endless humming of the electronic machines and equipment in the room.
I obey when Dr. Rolin asks me to turn on my side. I hiss when his
fingers press against the scrapes and bruises on my back and legs.

“
Okay, you can sit up now.”

He goes to a machine in a corner and fills a dish with a
thick, odorless light blue cream. When he proceeds to dab some of
the cream on my injuries, I stiffen and jerk away.

“
It won't hurt. Just keep still a while more,”
Dr. Rolin says, as he finishes slathering the cream over my arms and
legs.

He leaves me lying on the steel table and disappears
behind a large computer screen. I listen to the sound of his typing
for a while and yawn, feeling my entire body relax.

That blue cream must be really good and really
expensive.

I feel all the aches and pains leach from my body. I
run a hand down my arm. It feels smooth, renewed. Bewildered, I sit
up and look down my body. There is not a single bruise or mark left
on it.

With a cough, Dr. Rolin emerges from behind his huge
computer. Wearily, he hands me two pieces of brown cloth. “Get
dressed. And get out.”

I look down at the two pieces of cloth with which I am
supposed to “get dressed”.

This must be a joke.

But no one's laughing.

I slide off the metal table and unfurl the pieces of
cloth. They look broader and longer than the cloth Owen had around
his hips. Lucky me.

I wind the narrow piece of cloth round my chest,
covering my breasts. Barely. The other piece I tie quickly round my
hips. I look longingly at my pile of old clothes in the corner. Why
can't I wear them? They might be old, dirty and tattered, but at
least they're decent. But I know better than to ask.

I clear my throat. “I...um, I'm 'dressed'.”

Dr. Rolin looks up. He gives me a nod and rubs his
eyes under his glasses. “Go. The Commander is waiting. My
shift is over. For now,” he mutters under his breath and
presses a button beside his computer.

I glance towards the door. Is Jaxon still out
there? It feels like I have been in this room for a few hours now.
Would he really still be waiting out there? What is he waiting for?
Is he waiting to deliver me to...the Emperor? Or to some other
torture? He's just carrying out his orders. Waiting for me is just
part of the job.

Yet...

The door swing opens and—Jaxon is right there.

Standing in the exact same spot when the door closed, in
the exact same position. Like he never moved.

Jaxon blinks at last. “Zoey,” he starts.

I freeze and slowly back away. Somehow I could stare
him in the eye when I was stark naked, but now, in this flimsy,
obscene attire, I feel...shamed.

Jaxon walks into the room, his eyes locked on my face.
He doesn't stare down my barely covered body. When I look at the
ground, he does the same and takes me gently by the arm.

My legs move stiffly beside Jaxon, and I manage to walk
out of that clinical room without being dragged. As soon as the door
swings shut behind us, Jaxon unbuttons his black military jacket and
shrugs it off. He drapes it around my shoulders and pulls it snugly
around my body. “It'd keep you warm.”
And covered
.

His hands are on my shoulders, holding me for a long
while.

Slowly he walks me to the elevator. He starts to pull
me closer, then stops abruptly when the elevator door slides open.

Jaxon glares at the waiting elevator with such hate and
bitterness in his eyes it is as if he is staring at his mortal enemy,
rather than just an empty lift. I watch his frown deepen as he drops
his head. Finally, he can waver no more and leads me into the lift
with great reluctance.

Once we are in the tiny elevator, Jaxon slams his fist
into one of the buttons at the top. The elevator lurches to a halt
and I am thrown against his chest. I put out my hands to steady
myself and he grabs my wrists.

“
Zoey...” he says raggedly, his deep brown
eyes filled with pain and conflict.

My heart is beating so hard against my chest. As he
pulls me closer, I can feel the heat spreading low in my belly. I
twist weakly in his grip. Why do I want him to let me go, yet never
let me go? This is the man who cuffed me and captured me for the
Emperor. This is the man who tried to protect my mother and me and
took a bullet in the shoulder for us. This is the man who held me in
his arms under the stars and walked with me towards the sunrise,
towards my fate. What does he want with me now?

“
Release me,” I whisper, my eyes burning.

His hands grip me tighter.

I glare up at him.
You tried to save my mother. Why
won't you try to save me now?

“
I hate you,” I hiss, my tears falling.

He doesn't move his gaze or his hands away from me.

I can smell his scent on his jacket, feel the warmth of
his body against my bare skin. And it only makes my body heat up
more. I must be burning up inside. Burning with shame and rage.

“
Get your hands and your coat off me!” I
yell, shoving him away forcefully and throwing the jacket from my
shoulders. “You! You brought me here. And I'm sure it's not
for fun and games.” I gasp at my last three words. “Fun,
and games. Ah, there will be fun and games. But I won't be the one
having the fun. Or will I? Will I, Commander?”

When he doesn't reply, I laugh bitterly.

He kneels to pick up his jacket from my feet. I glare
at his dark, brown hair as he bows his head and closes his fingers
slowly over the stiff fabric. Even though the jacket is in his
grasp, he doesn't stand up straight away. He continues kneeling in
silence at my feet, his broad shoulders unmoving.

I feel his fingers brush lightly against the side of my
foot as he pulls the jacket to him. Still his knee doesn't rise from
the floor. I can hear him whisper under his breath, but I can't make
out the words.

I make to step away but his hands close around my ankle.
His touch is gentle but firm, the heat from his hand electrifying.
I inhale sharply as the electric charge courses up my leg to my very
core. He doesn't move his hand from my ankle, and my eyelids flutter
shut at the intense, unbearable ache that is pulsating through every
nerve in my body. My body is shaking and throbbing violently from
that one touch. I feel like I am about to burst into tears, or into
flames. Or both.

Jaxon stands up suddenly and grabs me by the waist. I
gasp as he pulls me flush against his hard body. Without a word, he
leans in and presses his lips to mine. I start to tremble as I wrap
my arms around his neck for support. His hand is on the small of my
back, pressing me firmly against him. My nails dig into the back of
his neck as I struggle, but as his kiss deepens, my eyes flutter
shut.

The searing heat of his touch, his kiss, makes me forget
my fears, my dread, my anger, my thoughts. Just an instant ago I was
burning up, about to explode. But now I'm just melting, melting
completely in his arms, in his kiss. My lips part as he presses me
closer, and I feel his thumb stroking my chin, my jaw, my cheek as
his lips move to taste me. His scent is all over me. My arms lower
from his neck and my hand presses over his heart, feeling it beat
strongly against my palm. His tongue meets mine tentatively. With a
fierce, staggered breath, the kiss intensifies, becoming hot and
desperate. My breasts are pressed against his solid chest, and my
nipples are aching, tingling from the friction between our bodies.
His hand slowly trails down my neck to rest on my breast. I arch my
back, wanting him to touch me. Very lightly, he runs his fingers
over my nipple and I cry out at the pleasure. He begins to thumb my
nipple through the thin brown cloth, teasing it to erection. He
moves his palm in slow circles over my other nipple, until both my
nipples are so hard and erect against his fingers. His thumb
continues flicking over my sensitized nipples, increasing his pace as
his kiss deepens. I press up against him to feel his rock hard bulge
pushing against my belly.

“
Jaxon,” I pant, spearing my fingers through
his hair.

With a painful breath, he drops his head onto my
shoulder. He breathes hard against my bare skin and whispers my
name. As we both catch our breaths, his hands slowly release me.

Leaning in, he gives me one last, lingering kiss and
pulls away from me.

My fingers reach up to graze my own lips as I blink up
at him. I take an excruciating breath as I search his tortured face.
His eyes burn into mine, drinking me in like he is trying to
memorize every inch of me, as he slowly, slowly steps away.

Without taking his eyes off me, his fist pushes against
that red button, and the lift whirrs back to life.

In that narrow, confined space, Jaxon is standing just a
few inches away from me, but it feels like he is now a million miles
away from me.

The sound of static cackles and Jaxon taps the flat,
silver watch on his wrist.

“
Yes,” he growls.

“
Commander Ryleth? Mam Mallisa wants the girls in
the Grooming Room right away, sir!”

“
Yes. Understood.”

“
Sir, the palace guards are waiting at...”

Even before the sentence is complete, Jaxon clicks off
angrily.

He turns to me. A few precious seconds is all we have
left as the lift grinds to a stop.

I can hear my own heartbeat pounding out the last few
seconds before the lift door opens. Jaxon looks deep into my eyes,
into my soul, into the bottom of my heart where all my fears and
secrets are buried. In that timeless moment, I am not standing under
the flickering lights of the small elevator. I am standing under an
overcast sky, in the open street, watching the blood seep into the
cracks of the road. I can hear screams, my own and my mother's in
the distance. But the only thing I can see are those deep, brown
eyes and the terrible pain and regret in them as the young Captain is
dragged away, with a bullet in his shoulder. In a blink, I am back
in the present, looking into those same eyes, seeing the same pain
and regret swirling in them.

“
I never forgot,” Jaxon whispers just as the
door slides open. “I never forgot you.”

My lips part.
I never thought...

But I don't get the chance to tell him. The door opens
fully and the moment is over. Our time is gone.

Two palace guards stand waiting. They step forward
crisply and salute. “May we escort her to the Grooming Room,
sir? Mam Mallisa is waiting.”

Without taking his eyes off me, Jaxon gives a small,
slow nod. Hands close around my arms, and I am pulled away.

The two guards march me away from Jaxon, towards the end
of the corridor. At the last moment, just before I round the corner,
I twist around to catch a final glimpse of Jaxon. He is standing
unmoving in the shadows, his crumbled black jacket in his fist.