Hold Me Never (Holding Never) (10 page)

She steps back and smiles, not with satisfaction, but
with sadness.

I watch her red curls bounce as she limps away. My eyes
flick round the room. The girls have left and the platforms are all
empty now. The Matrons are quietly cleaning, folding, packing up,
wiping down the sinks and trolleys.

Despite their limps and hunched shoulders, not one of
the Matrons look older than forty. They are young, in their twenties
or thirties at most. In fact some of them look almost as young as...

There is a sinking, sick feeling in my gut.

I stare round the empty platforms, and I see their
ghosts.

I can see them, standing like I am standing now on the
platforms, being stripped and waxed and polished.

Before these women were Matrons, they were Sirens. They
were...like me. And I—will be like them!

The scars on their faces and limbs, their missing
fingers and slashed lips scream out my fate.

The room suddenly tilts at a precarious angle and I
careen off the platform onto the floor with a crash.

Gwin and another Matron rush to help me up.

“
Are you all right?”

“
Are you hurt?”

“
What happened?”

I nod weakly. “I...I'm okay.”

I'm not,
I'm not okay
.

Mam Mallisa comes marching up to me, her stiletto heels
clicking sharply. “What the hell happened?” she demands,
her multicolored eyes flashing. “Why did she fall? Is there a
bruise on her? Any obvious marks and discoloration?”

“
N-no, Mam,” Gwin stammers, her eyes darting
frantically over my body. “No bruises, Mam.”

“
Good. The Sirens must be perfect, flawless. It
is your job to make them perfect. Not a mark on them. Now, Zoey—”
Mam Mallisa looks down her nose at me. “You will need to be
fed a few hours before the Midnight Feast. Come with me.”
When I stumble after her, and fall flat on my face again, she whirls
around with a curse.

“
You and you!” she snaps, pointing behind
me. “Don't just stand there, hold her upright. She can't seem
to walk on her own, so you'll have to do the walking for her. Chop
chop!” Mam Mallisa snaps her fingers and two Matrons shuffle
to my side. They wrap their chilly, shivering hands around my arms
and keep their heads down as they walk silently beside me. I open my
mouth and shut it again. No point protesting. I'll just get these
poor women into more trouble. And Mam Mallisa is right, for once.
My legs don't seem to be functioning too well.

“
Thank you,” I whisper instead.

One of them nods, and we move as quickly as we can after
Mam Mallisa. She is heading towards a flight of narrow, winding
stairs that is tucked behind a broad, stone pillar.

As we climb down, the lights and smells from the
Grooming Room fade and it becomes darker and gloomier. It feels like
we are descending into a dungeon.

With fear and hunger gnawing in my gut, I feel too weak
to struggle. Looking at the downcast faces of the Matrons, my hazy
eyes keep drifting to their scars and maimed hands.
What happened
to you?
I want to ask.
What will happen to me? Will I
become...you?

Will I die tonight?

At the bottom of the stairs, Mam Mallisa pauses.

I squint hard at the stone arches that lead deeper into
the dungeon. I hiccup a laugh, but what comes out is a small,
strangled sound. So it is true. All those rumors. There is indeed
a dungeon under the magnificent, gleaming facade of the Palace. This
is where they keep their Sirens.

Mam Mallisa clicks her tongue and beckons us forward.
We turn to the left and duck through a crumbling doorway.

There is a semi-circle of steel doors in front of us.

Beside each steel door is a tiny red button. Mam
Mallisa strides to the door at the far corner and jabs the red button
with a long, pointed nail.

There is a soft, electronic click, and the steel door
hisses open, sliding sideways into the stone wall.

Mam Mallisa doesn't enter the cell. She merely steps
aside and orders, “Put her in with Hani.”

As I pass her, my stomach lets out a growl loud enough
to wake the dead.

Mam Mallisa rolls her eyes. “And feed her, for
God's sake. Hurry up! The door will close automatically after ten
seconds. Hurry up, unless you want to be sealed in with her,”
she snaps.

The Matrons leave me in the cell and scurry out, just as
a whirring sound is heard. Ten seconds is up and the steel door is
starting to slide shut.

I stand in the middle of the pitch dark cell for a long
while, my brain and body completely numb, until a small sound to my
right tells me that I am not alone.

I tense at the soft shuffling sound. The sounds seems
to be coming closer. I can hear breathing, and sighing.

Something brushes my shoulder and I jerk away with a
cry. A clammy hand finds my throat.

“
Oops. Can't see. Um, hi,” says a voice in
the dark.

“
H-hi yourself,” I stammer, backing away
slowly.

“
Just feel your way to your mattress. It should
be behind you. And just sit down and wait. Food should come soon.
Then there'll be light,” the voice tells me in a rather
cheerful tone.

“
Okay. T-thanks.” I put out my hands and
take careful steps backwards until I feel something at the back of my
foot. “This...this is a mattress? It feels rather hard.”

There is a short bark of laughter. “You're funny!
What's your name?”

“
Zoey.”

“
Hi, I'm Hani.”

There is a barely audible click. I tense, and turn
towards the direction of the soft whirring sound. After a few
seconds, the steel door slides open, and a light comes on in the
cell. I blink against the sudden illumination, and see two Matrons
walk in, each bearing a metal tray.

They set the trays down on the floor near the exit, and
back out quickly. A few seconds later, the door seals shut.

Hani scrambles up to snatch up a tray.

I stare at Hani. From her voice and speech, I'd thought
that she was younger. But she looks to be the same age as me. She
has jet black hair that reaches all the way to her waist, olive skin
and black eyes framed by long, curling lashes. She is dressed in the
same skimpy brown cloth as me, but she doesn't seem as uncomfortable
or self-conscious.

Hani cocks her head at me, and says, “Eat quickly.
They only leave the light on for a while.”

“
Oh.” I look up at the naked bulb, and take
in the surrounding stone walls. I pull the tray onto my lap and sit
back on my mattress, which feels even harder than the mattress I
shared with Emilia back in our bunk. My face scrunches up suddenly,
as my throat constricts. I wonder how they are. How all the girls
in the bunk and the factory are now. Has any of them been punished
or beaten after I left? Are they okay? Do they wonder if I am okay?

Hani is sitting cross-legged on her mattress, staring at
me as she shovels what looks like mashed potatoes into her mouth with
a wooden spoon. “Go on,” she urges, her mouth full.
“Eat. You don't know when you'll eat again.”

I scoop up a spoonful and deliver it to my mouth.
Instantly, my hunger takes over. I gobble down everything,
swallowing as fast as I can, not even slowing down to chew. I don't
stop until I have cleaned off every morsel on the tray. It is just
mashed potatoes with bits of vegetables and very thin gravy, but it
satisfies my hunger and my stomach and mind finally stop churning and
reeling.

I put the tray down and sigh. Hani is regarding me with
a half smile. “You're fast.”

I glance at her empty tray. “You're faster.”

“
Yeah.” She frowns suddenly and shrugs.
“I've been here longer.”

I don't know what to say to that.

In the uncomfortable silence, I look at her silky black
hair flowing down the sides of her heart-shaped face like a curtain.
Her eyes are dark, and there are deep shadows under them.

How long has she been in here? I wonder, but I'm not
going to ask. I'm not going to say something stupid again and hurt
her. Everyone is hurting, some more than others.

Hani has turned her back to me. She doesn't seem to
want to talk anymore. Instead, she is humming a tuneless melody as
she rocks herself from side to side. Exhausted, I let out a long
sigh and lean my head against the wall.

The humming stops abruptly. “So...have you cried
yet?”

“
Wha-?” I turn to see Hani's large, black
eyes fixed on me.

“
Have you cried, since you came to the Palace?”
Her eyes float away to stare at a spot behind me.

“
No. I mean, yes, a little, I think. I...”

“
I've only stopped crying a few days ago. I think
my tears ran out,” she says, a faraway look in her eyes.

Slowly, she blinks. As a sad smile spreads across her
face, I see that she is wrong. Her tears have not run out.

We sit facing each other in silence for a long while.
Finally I force myself to ask the inevitable question. “So,
what happens now?” I try to make my tone light and nonchalant,
but the quiver in my voice betrays me.

Hani looks away as she answers, “We wait. We wait
until they summon us for their entertainment. I'm guessing the guys
will have to perform this time, since we haven't been made to
rehearse or anything.”

“
Guys?” My thoughts flash to Owen, the
white-haired young man I saw in Dr. Rolin's examination room.

“
They capture guys too, you know.”

“
I...I know.”

After a pause, she says, “The last time, about a
few weeks ago I think, there was a Midnight Feast as well. In the
Great Hall. We were the plates. Yup, you heard correctly. Food was
placed on our naked bodies and the Emperor, the Empress and their
guests ate off us, slobbering and salivating all over our bodies.
We're just like slabs of meat on the table. Free for all. But you
can't move. You—can't even cry. One of the girls—she...”
Hani's voice quavers and she has to take a deep breath to compose
herself. “A tear rolled from the corner of her eye, and...and
the Empress saw. The Empress grabbed a knife and just stabbed down
on her. Right there. Through her heart.”

My hands clamp over my mouth to stopper my horrified
cry. “No...”

“
So don't cry. And don't look at anybody. That's
what the other girls told me. And it's good advice. Whatever you
do, don't look at anybody. Keep your eyes down. Got it?”

I can only nod numbly.

Hani exhales heavily and continues, “Once you
catch someone's eye, that's it for you. When I first came, there was
a girl in here. I think her name was Abigail. I shared the cell
with her for two nights. Then on the third night, we were summoned
to the Great Hall. They made the guys march around and do some
stunts. I kept my eyes down the whole time, but Abigail had to look
up. And that was it for her. The Emperor chose her for the night.”

“
W-what happened to her?”

Hani shakes her head. “When the Emperor chooses
you, you go with him to his chamber and no one sees you for a few
days, a week...or more, I don't know. If you're lucky, and according
to the other girls, this doesn't happen often, you'll be seen
again—in a gray uniform, as a Matron. But you won't be the
same. I...I never saw Abigail again.” Her voice trails off.
“Once you're chosen...”

“
You're as good as dead,” I whisper.

“
Deader.”

I struggle to breathe as the four walls seem to be
closing in on us. “Mam Mallisa said there's a Midnight Feast
tonight. Do you think we'll be plates...?” I manage to ask at
last.

Hani shakes her head, her silky black hair rippling like
a dark waterfall. “Nope. If we're the plates, we'll be lying
on the kitchen slabs by now, and having ornamental food pieces
threaded through our hair or glued to our toes and nipples. I...I'm
going to take a nap now.” She turns to spread the small
blanket over her mattress. “You should grab some rest. It's a
few hours before the Feast. And a few hours can drive you mad. So,
sleep.”

I open my mouth to answer, but Hani is already curled up
on her mattress, her back to me. I hear her sigh as she pulls her
knees closer to her chin.

I reach for the folded blanket at the end of my mattress
and hug it to my chest. The light snaps off suddenly, plunging the
cell into darkness. I blink furiously, as Hani's words paint vivid
images of food and naked bodies before my eyes.

I squeeze my eyes shut, but still the images keep
coming.

My imagination goes into overdrive. Images rise from
the dark to loom at the back of my twitching eyelids. I see naked
bodies and food, painted, laughing mouths, forks and knives, glasses
filled with red liquid. The red liquid overflows from the crystal
glasses and gurgle over the bodies. There is a knife through a
pumping heart. Blood spurting from a gaping hole in a girl's chest.
Blood spilling from the wine glasses and spreading everywhere...