Hold Me Never (Holding Never) (5 page)

The horse has slowed down, bobbing silently through the
tall grasses like a boat adrift in the dark ocean. I lift my head to
see the darkness and wilderness looming before me. I could be in the
middle of the sea for all I know. I have no idea where I am, nor do
I care.

All I know is that I am moving farther and farther away
from my town, and nearer and closer to my doom.

The Commander's breathing is very quiet behind me, his
chest pressed lightly against my back. I turn my face and my
forehead brushes against the stubble on his jaw. My lips are so near
the bare skin on his neck I can smell the clean, masculine scent
coming from his body. With a gasp, I jerk and shrink back, acutely
aware of the proximity and warmth of our bodies.

I have never been so close to a man before.

From the corner of my eye, I can see his Adam's apple
move as he swallows. With his arms locked around me, I can feel the
hardness of his muscles, the soft brush of his hand against my thigh
when he adjusts the reins in his grip. When I sway slightly, he
catches me with an arm around my waist.

“
You okay?” he asks in a low voice.

With his arm around my waist pressing me to him, I can
feel the Commander's rock hard male body at my back. And his chest
is not the only thing about him that is rock hard. Seated as I am
between his legs, I can feel the hard bulge between his muscular
thighs.

I have never laid my eyes or hands on a man's naked body
before, never known or felt a male's throbbing hardness.

The heat creeping up my neck is threatening to set my
face on fire. But that strange heat is also pulsing in my gut,
pooling low down in my belly. What is happening to me? Why am I
feeling so...hot? Why is there an insistent pulsing ache in my core?

I should be fighting him, pushing him away, not wanting
him to hold me closer and wondering how his hands and mouth would
feel on me. What the hell is the matter with me? I must have a
death wish—which will be fulfilled pretty soon.

Didn't the Emperor give the order?

“
Zoey?”

I look up with a jolt. “Huh?”

“
Are you all right?” he repeats.

No. No, I'm not.

To hide my mortification and frustration at the
treacherous reactions of my body, I shrug and make a non-committal
grunt.

But he refuses to take that for an answer and continues
his inquiry. Why does he keep asking me if I am all right? My
well-being is clearly not his concern. In fact, his mandate is to
punish me. What was it he said?

Oh yes.
A few miles from here, where the terrain is
rockier and rougher and more punishing, she will be dragged in
accordance
with
the Emperor's order. If she is unable
to endure the punishment and perishes on the journey, her corpse will
be delivered to the Palace.

My nerves completely frayed, and my courage faltering
but my temper rising, I blurt out, “What do you care? You're
going to kill me anyway!”

“
What?” He sounds genuinely shocked.

I whirl round with a scowl. “Drop the act,
Commander! I know I'm going to die tonight. You're going to deliver
my corpse to the Palace.”

He frowns down at me. “No, that's not...”

I laugh bitterly. “Drag me behind your horse,
eh?”

He gives me a long look. “If that's what you
want,” he shrugs and says at last.

His nonchalance angers me. “That is not what I
want! You said it yourself! That was the Emperor's order and you're
going to...”

“
Well...Zoey,” he begins slowly. “Do
you see anyone here, besides you and me?”

My eyes widen. “I...”

“
Do you?”

“
No.”

“
Do you think anyone will know whether I drag you
behind my horse or not?”

I start to shake my head, then frown. “If you
drag me over punishing terrain full of jagged, deadly rocks, I'll be
dead. So the mere fact that I'm still alive would prove...”

“
Do you think the Emperor wants you dead?”

His question makes me turn sharply to him. “Of
course! Didn't you...” I bite my lip, remembering the hungry,
lascivious look of the Emperor as he raked his eyes over my body.
His eyes had glinted with delight when I showed fear. He gets off on
fear and threats. He wants me frightened, not dead.

Cool down that hot little head—and body, of
hers. Oh, we're going to have fun, so much fun!

He doesn't want a corpse delivered to his Palace. What
fun would that be? He wants to...

As if he has been following my twisting train of
thought, the Commander carries on, “He wants to show his
authority, frighten you, and the townspeople. Fear is a very
effective weapon.”

With a heavy sigh, he removes the metal cuffs from
around my wrists. As I massage my wrists, he takes off his silver
helmet, and rakes a hand through his dark brown hair. With his
tousled hair, he looks even younger.

He catches me staring at him and smiles.

Embarrassed, I mutter, “How old are you?”

He looks surprised, but he answers calmly,
“Twenty-eight.”

“
And you're a Commander?”

“
I've been a soldier since I was nine.”
When my mouth forms a silent 'o', he blows out a ragged breath and
says, “I know what the Emperor wants.”

I frown. He has been a soldier for longer than I have
been alive. Serving a monster all these long years. So—what
does that make him?

“
Will you kill me?”

The Commander shakes his head.

“
Will you let me go?”

He swallows hard. Then very slowly shakes his head.

“
Will the Emperor let me go?”

The look on the Commander's face kills that flickering
spark of hope instantaneously. My shoulders slump. I'm going to die
after all. Just not by the Commander's hand.

“
I...I'm sorry, Zoey,” the Commander says at
last.

I nod sadly. “I know. So am I.”

The Commander wraps his arms around my waist and holds
me. I lean back, suddenly overcome with weariness, letting my head
rest on his shoulder. Staring up at the stars, I am struck by the
fact that what I am seeing is just an illusion. The dying light of
stars which may be long dead. Everything just seems to tiny and so
temporal. “You know, I've never been held like this by a man
before. You're the first.” I hiccup a laugh. “And the
last.”

I hear him suck in a breath, and feel his heart thudding
against my back.

Having him hold me, listen to me, gives me a certain
calm and courage.

Maybe this is how people who have been condemned to
death feel. Traveling inexorably closer to your death every minute,
staring death in the face everywhere you turn. The stark, surreal
inevitability of your fate pounding into your mind with every
heartbeat.

Every minute seems so poignant, so precious. The past
is the past, and the future will never come. There is only the
moment. Here. Now.

It is terrifying. But liberating, in a reckless, morbid
way.

Even though I am journeying to the Palace, in the arms
of the Emperor's Commander, my enemy, I no longer feel any fear. For
the first time in a long, long while, I actually feel safe. Safe in
the arms of the enemy.

Words bubble up my throat, tumbling from my lips
heedlessly. Things I wouldn't normally say, thoughts I wouldn't
normally think, emotions and memories I fight against every waking
minute in order to stay sane and alive—everything surges over
the brim and overflows, gushing from me in a warbling, messy torrent.

I tell him about the people I will miss, the women in
the factory, sad, sweet faces that offer strength to each other
through their smiles, the girls in my dormitory, the wild flowers we
glimpse growing at the side of the road as we walk back to our
dormitory every evening. And I tell him about my mother, what
happened to her, what I saw and never forgot.

I just keep talking, my vision growing hazy, the light
from the stars stretching and distorting into silvery ribbons across
the sky.

“
You know,” I giggle, but the sound is more
like a hiccuped sob. “I'll be eighteen soon. But...I guess I
won't live to celebrate my birthday. So, maybe I should celebrate it
now. With you.”

His hands seem to grip me tighter. I tilt my face to
look up at him.

“
What is your name?” I ask softly.

My lips brush against his face as he leans forward and I
gaze up at his strong, stern profile. I inhale deeply against his
skin, as if to commit his scent to memory.

“
Why?”

“
You...you've been...decent to me. I—I'd
like to remember...”

“
Jaxon Ryleth.”

I nod and repeat his name in my mind. Jaxon.

Why does his name sound familiar?

Have I seen him before?

Impossible.

And yet...

I allow my eyes to close, lulled by the rocking motion
and the quiet of the night. Jaxon has his arms around me, cradling
me gently against him. Gradually, I sink into a velvety darkness,
somewhere deep in my subconscious.

My voice echoes in my head, replaying my own droning
words to Jaxon. I had told him about my mother, the unspeakable
things that were done to her by a monster in a Commander's uniform,
and the young soldier who had tried to save her...

I jerk up, my eyes flying wide open.

“
You...” I say hoarsely. “I know
you!”

Jaxon's jaw tightens but he doesn't reply, just looks
straight ahead.

My heart is hammering in my head, in my chest. Tears
sting my eyes but I don't allow them to fall. Captain Jaxon Ryleth.

The young soldier.

The one who was shot in the shoulder by his Commander.

As a young Captain, Jaxon had tried to save my mother.
Now ten years later, as a Commander, he is delivering me to the
Palace, to that debauched, depraved Emperor. To my doom.

“
You serve a monster,” I croak at last.
“Why?” I whisper. “Why?”

He closes his eyes as if in pain. With a strangled
sound, he spurs his horse into a furious run. His arm tightens
around me as we pick up speed, hurtling forward at a relentless pace.
I am jostled from side to side, but I have no fear of falling.

What is there to fear when I am already dead inside?

Somehow throughout the years, I had always harbored a
secret hope that I would one day see that brave young soldier again.
That hope shone like a light in the darkness of my existence, gave me
a reason to put one foot in front of the other and keep living each
day. The eighteen-year-old Jaxon Ryleth showed me that there was
still goodness in the hearts of men, that courage and kindness could
be found in the most unlikely places. It made me believe that
obstacles and difficulties could be overcome. You just have to be
brave, be strong, and survive. I've always wondered what happened to
that young Captain. Instinct told me that he was still alive, and
that gave me hope and a small, muted measure of happiness. Goodness
cannot be defeated. Kindness lives.

Oh, how wrong I was!

I turn away in disgust and dejection.

At eighteen, Captain Jaxon Ryleth was a hero. He tried
to protect a defenseless woman and her child, and got shot by his
Commander.

Ten years later, Commander Jaxon Ryleth is a coward,
blindly obeying a cruel, debauched Emperor. I had expected more,
hoped for more. He had been my hero.

No more.

We speak no more. There is nothing left to say. We
travel through the night, the night racing away from me. Miles and
miles fly past under those galloping hooves. The grass and trees
give way to a flat, rocky plain. I am so far away from my town, a
town I may never see again. The landscape is now completely
unfamiliar. And yet, to my exhausted, cloudy eyes, everything looks
the same. Gray and shadowy.

I close my eyes against the wind, breathing in the cool
night air, and feeling my anger dissipating in the wind. I am so
tired, so very tired. If only I could sleep, just for a while...

The horse slows down gradually to a quiet trot. I stare
at the long stretch of deserted dirt track in front of us.

My eyelids are starting to droop, and I slump back
against Jaxon's shoulder, the shoulder that his Commander had put a
bullet through so many years ago. I murmur, “Just...let me
sleep. Tonight. Here.”
Under the stars, which I may never
see again.

I close my eyes with a sigh. I barely feel any
movement. Either we have stopped completely or we are moving at such
a slow pace that we are making hardly any progress at all.

I feel a slight pressure at my temple and vaguely
realize that Jaxon is leaning his cheek against my forehead. He
remains there for a very long time, not moving, just leaning into me.
I turn my face to him, burying my face in his neck. It feels so
comfortable, so safe, here, in the middle of nowhere, in the arms of
the man who has fought to save me once but who is unwilling or unable
to save me now.