How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (11 page)

— “I placed my anger on the cross with Christ.”

— “I am no longer controlled by anger.”

— “I am alive with Christ living inside me.”

— “I will let Christ forgive through me.”

— “I will let Christ love through me.”

— “I will let Christ reveal truth through me.”

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me”

(G
ALATIANS
2:20).

When you feel anger toward someone, first take time to evaluate whether addressing your anger is needful, appropriate, or beneficial to strengthen the relationship. Some people simply do not know how to handle anger directed toward them. They either become hostile and defensive or weak and placating. Either way, nothing gets resolved.

If you want merely to vent your feelings, then pour out your heart to God and maybe to another person, but not to the person with whom you are angry. Should you decide to arrange a meeting, there are some things you will need to do in preparation.

•
Examine your motivation.

•
Be realistic in your expectations.

•
Know what you want to accomplish.

•
Assess the legitimacy of your request.

•
Rehearse how you will approach the subject.

•
Anticipate possible reactions from the other person.

•
Think through how you might respond to those reactions.

•
Decide if you are willing to live with any negative repercussions.

•
If you are uncertain about what to do, talk with a wise and trusted individual.

Should you decide to go ahead and meet, here are two more things to consider:

•
Select a time and place convenient for both of you that will provide an atmosphere conducive for listening and sharing.

•
Meet on neutral ground so both of you are likely to feel you are on equal footing.

As you learn to act rather than react, and thereby allow God to use your anger to accomplish His purposes, you will be in a position to offer others hope for change. The questions below will help prepare you to give biblical answers to those who live in bondage to anger and who come to you for help and hope.

Question:
“What should I do when I feel my anger getting out of control?”

Answer:
Whenever you feel reason and self-control are giving way to irrational and unbridled behavior, put on the brakes and call a truce in order to take time out. In this way, you can keep the anger from escalating.

•
Stop and take a deep breath.

•
Hold up your hands to indicate that you are “surrendering” for the time being by calling a halt to what is taking place.

•
State that you are getting more and more upset and unable to think clearly, or that the conversation is not going in a positive direction and does not seem to be resolving anything.

•
Help yourself to calm down by walking around the block, listening to music, taking a shower, or whatever will enable you to regain your composure.

•
If possible, agree on a time to resume the conversation or activity.

If you reach an impasse and agreement between the two of you is not possible, then:

•
Agree to have different opinions on the subject, and don’t let it become a problem in the relationship.

•
Remember that if two people agree on everything all the time, their relationship runs the risk of becoming stagnant and void of growth.

•
Make an effort to engage in stimulating conversations where varied opinions are expressed so you can develop your listening skills, learn from others, think through your own opinions, and practice expressing those opinions to others in a clear and concise manner void of anger.

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions”

(P
ROVERBS
18:2).

“Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters”

(R
OMANS
14:1).

Question:
“One of my coworkers has threatened to harm me. What should I do?”

Answer:
Angry people can lose control of their anger and cause property damage or personal injury. In extreme cases, some people have even murdered those with whom they work. This is why you must…
²⁸

•
Take all threats of violence seriously

—Assume that if someone makes a threat, the intent to carry it out is present.

—Most people who commit violent acts at work have given a clear indication of their intent prior to taking action.

•
Always report any threat

—Report the threat to your supervisor.

—Report the threat to a security officer.

—If serious enough, report the threat to the police.

•
When threatened, proceed wisely and cautiously

—Consult your company’s policy manual regarding the code of conduct at your workplace.

—Seek legal counsel or advice from the Human Resources department at work regarding informing the angry person of the consequences of making threats.

“A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
22:3).

Question:
“I was severely wronged by someone I once trusted. People want
me to forgive him. How can I possibly ignore my anger and simply let him off the hook?”

Answer:
Picture a hook attached to your collarbone. Imagine attached to that hook both your offender and all the pain this person has caused you. Do you really want to carry that person and all that pain with you for the rest of your life?

The Lord wants you to take your anger and the pain this person has caused you and release them into His hands. Then take the one who offended you off your emotional hook and place your offender onto God’s hook. Realize you can forgive a person without trusting that person.

Extending forgiveness is based not on your feelings, but on your
choice
to be obedient to God and to release your anger to Him. Extending trust is based on another person’s ability to be trustworthy. Forgive everyone, but trust only the trustworthy. The Lord knows how to deal justly and effectively with all those who bring pain into your life:

“‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”

(R
OMANS
12:19).

Question:
“How can I overcome road rage? I get so angry at other drivers!”

Answer:
As drivers, we have all had someone cut in front of us, yell profanity at us, make obscene gestures toward us, or intentionally bump us. Whatever the situation, the moment you feel agitated, rehearse these truths in your mind:

•
“I don’t have to get angry.”

•
“I refuse to let someone else control my emotions.”

•
“I choose to be calm and coolheaded.”

•
“Lord, I don’t know what is wrong with (
person’s name
), but I pray that you will make your presence known in this situation.”

•
“Lord, (
person’s name
) has a problem. I’m not going to let that problem be my problem.”

•
“I will stay calm in the strength of Christ.”

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:13).

Forest rangers who care for and protect national parks occasionally say they have to start a fire to stop a fire. At times God works for your good in much the same way. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin
.”

God clearly intends for you to experience the emotion of anger and to use it for some positive purpose. For example, He can use your anger to spark your awareness of a blazing spiritual problem that needs to be snuffed out. God often allows fiery trials to test your faith and to develop the perseverance necessary to sustain your faith.
²⁹

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance”

(J
AMES
1:2-3).

As you seek to allow God to direct your anger and use it for His purposes, remember…

•
Anger
can be used to bring positive change in your life.

•
Anger
can be the lens through which you gain insight into your past hurts.

•
Anger
can bring your true feelings to light.

•
Anger
can reveal your inappropriate ways of trying to meet your own needs.

•
Anger
can help you realize your need for the Lord.

•
Anger
can uncover your need to set healthy boundaries.

•
Anger
can be the foundation on which forgiveness is built.

•
Anger,
when appropriately verbalized, can be the spark that encourages honest communication in relationships.

•
Anger,
when appropriately verbalized, can be used by God to convict others of sin.

•
Anger,
when appropriately handled, can be used by God.

As you allow God to use your anger for good, you will become an example to others and bring praise to Him.

“Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven”

(M
ATTHEW
5:16).

If anger is allowed to smolder and ignite, it can transform you into a ferocious, fire-breathing dragon—scaring, and even scarring, those whom you love most. The only power strong enough to slay this devastating dragon is the indwelling presence of Christ. When, as a Christian, you allow Him to conform you to His character, then He will permeate your heart with His peace.