Humble Boy (9 page)

Felix
   Thing about George, he can always be called upon for an elegant turn of phrase.

George
   Piss off.

Mercy
   Does anyone want bread with it?

Felix
   You have been anosmic, Mother, since the day my father died.

Rosie
   No thank you, Mercy.

George
   Why don't you take a running jump? Preferably in close proximity to a cliff.

Flora
   George.

Felix
   Do you think that's the best way?

George
   What?

Felix
   No, really, I'm interested. What is the best way to do yourself in, so to speak? More wine, Mother?

Flora proffers her glass. Felix goes round refilling for everyone.

Rosie
   Pills. But not paracetomol. They're too slow and they do funny things to your liver.

Felix
   So speaks the nurse.

Rosie
   The worst is drinking sulphuric acid. You burn yourself inside out.

Mercy
   I really don't think we should be talking about this at the table.

Flora
   I'd put my head in a gas oven.

Felix
   Ah. The housewife's choice.

Flora
   Anything is preferable to cleaning it.

Mercy
   I've got an Aga.

Rosie
   It doesn't work any more.

Mercy
   Well. It's a bit temperamental to light.

Rosie
   No, I mean, you can't do it with a gas oven. They changed it so you can't.

Flora
   Killjoys.

Mercy
   I don't think you could do it with an Aga either. No.

George
   (
slowly, considered
) A length of hose. Easy.

Felix
   (
sharp
) What?

George
   Only way to do it. In the car. A length of hose from the exhaust pipe. Wind the window up. A glass of whisky in my hand and Glen Miller on the stereo. I'd have an upbeat number first. ‘Chattanooga Choo-Choo' or ‘Pennsylvania 6–5000'. Followed by ‘Moonlight Serenade'. I'd just drift off. Easy.

Rosie
   Dad!

George
   Christ. I never would, Rosie love. It's a mug's game.

Felix
   A length of hose. Yes.

Flora
   What about you, Felix? What is your preferred method?

Felix
   Well, in an ideal world, I'd like to jump through a black hole.

George
   I'm sure it could be arranged.

Flora
   Why, Felix?

Felix
   Just a whim of mine.

Flora
   Tell me why.

Felix
   Well, I'd find out what it was like inside.

George
   How thrilling.

Felix
   It would be for a theoretical physicist.

Rosie
   Who doesn't get out much.

Felix
   Theoretical physicists don't get out much.

Rosie
   Well, come on then, enlighten us.

Felix
   You get to pass through the event horizon and down into the state of singularity. The point where all mathematical equations break down and you break up into a thousand million particles. I think that would be quite satisfying.

Rosie
   Doesn't sound much fun to me.

Felix
   The beauty of it is you get to carry on. Well, maybe you do.

Rosie
   But it wouldn't be you. It would just be bits of you.

Felix
   It'd be the essence of me. I'd be recycled. The particles of my body would go off and form another universe. It's a kind of immortality.

Rosie
   If it's immortality you want, I think it's easier just to have a baby.

Flora
   Is that what you want, Felix? How very mundane. If you can't make your mark while you're here, what's the point?

Mercy
   Nobody's eating my soup.

Felix
   Do you think my father made his mark?

Flora
   No. Sadly. I think he would probably feel that he hadn't.

Felix
   You know, Mother, one day scientists at NASA pointed the Hubble Telescope at what they thought was an empty speck of the sky and they saw a void teeming with galaxies. They saw clusters of stars billions of years old that they never knew about.

Flora
   (
sharply
) What are you trying to say, Felix?

George
   Yes. If you've got something to say, I think you ought to say it.

Mercy
   Couldn't we save it till after the first course?

Felix
   I rather thought that it was you and my mother who had something to say.

Mercy
   I'll get some bread.

Flora
   Sit down, Mercy. You invited yourself, so you can sit through this.

Mercy sits down.

Rosie
   Felix, why are you being so difficult? You know what they want.

Mercy
   He can't think on an empty stomach.

Rosie
   They want to get married. Big deal. You take everything too much to heart.

Mercy
   You're getting married?

George
   Yes, we are.

Mercy
   (
a little crestfallen
) Oh. How lovely.

Felix
   (
raising his glass
) Yes! Isn't it! Come on, Mercy. Raise your glass for the Humble Pyes! A match made in Moreton!

George
   I don't give a fart for your opinion, sonny.

Felix
   And I'm not talking to you, Pops. Just answer me this, Mother. What do you see in him?

Mercy
   Oh. There's a lot to see in George. He's a very nice man underneath.

George
   Thank you, Mercy.

Mercy
   You're welcome.

Flora
   I do not need your blessing, Felix. But it would be nice.

Felix
   It's a bit late for my blessing, isn't it? My father died two months ago but –

Flora
   At last Felix is up to speed.

Felix
   – but this has been going on for years. The world and his wife are privy to this information.

Rosie
   Leave it, Felix.

Mercy
   I didn't know for ages.

Felix
   How could you do this? How could you do this to my father?

Rosie
   There's no need for all this.

Flora
   James knew about it.

George
   What?

Flora
   I told him about George. I told your father that I loved him but that he wasn't enough. He accepted that fact.

George
   You told James? About me. You've never told me that –

Flora
   It didn't concern you.

George
   I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Felix starts to laugh.

Felix
   Bravo, Mother. What a tactician!

Flora
   Your father was generous to a fault.

George
   (
working it out
) But if he knew – and I didn't know that he knew – and he knew that I didn't know that he knew – that … that gave him more power than me.

Flora
   It wasn't a question of power. It was a question of balance.

George
   Well. This doesn't change anything now. It doesn't make any difference to how things are now.

Felix
   Are you sure of that, George?

Flora
   You are desperate to turn this into a tragedy, Felix, but you will not be able to.

Felix
   My father fell down dead in this garden. And you were upstairs waiting for your new nose to recapture your lost youth so that you could go off and shag Biggles here –

George
   Watch it –

Felix
   – and all the while my father was dying. His heart was giving up on him. His heart was bursting.

Flora
   No. That is incorrect. His heart was not bursting. He did not die of a heart attack.

George
   Oh yes, boyo, you just wait for this.

Felix
   (
wrong-footed
) What do you mean?

Mercy
   (
a warning
) Flora.

Flora
   Give me a cigarette, George.

George
   You don't smoke.

Flora
   No, well, I am branching out.

George gives her a cigarette and lights it for her.

Felix
   What is she saying?

Mercy
   Don't, Flora.

Felix
   Jesus! What?

Flora
   No, he's asked for this.

Felix
   What did you do to him? Dear God, did the pair of you – what did you do to him?

Flora
   Not me, darling. Not me and George, although that would have made sense, I grant you. No, it was his bees. James Humble was killed by his beloved bees.

Mercy
   It was a tragedy.

Flora
   No. It was not a tragedy. Sad and pathetic and shockingly stupid, ironic, funny even, yes comical, hilarious, but not a tragedy.

Felix
   I don't –

Flora
   Anaphylactic shock. He was allergic to the bee-sting.

Felix
   Don't be ridiculous. He kept b–bees for years.

Rosie
   You can develop it over time, without knowing.

Flora
   Thank you, Rosie, if we want a little Nurse Pye nugget, we'll ask for it.

Felix
   What are you saying?

Flora
   He knew, but he couldn't give it up. May that be a lesson to you about the dangers of obsessive behaviour.

Felix
   What? I don't b–b–b–believe my –

Flora
   If it's any consolation, the bee died as well. I found your father on the lawn, with the bee close beside him. Neither of them was moving but I squashed the bee underfoot anyway. There is something deeply satisfying about the crunch of a dead bee.

Felix
   I don't want to hear this –

Flora
   Your father always said to me that, when it was time to go, that there was no debate to be had. He said that bees have a finite number of wingbeats and once they are used up, the bees just fall from the sky. In the same way we have a finite number of heartbeats. I doubt whether he would have been satisfied with his quota. But no doubt the bee had a case for grievance as well … So there. (
She stubs out the cigarette.
)

Felix
   Why didn't you tell me?

Flora
   I would rather that he died of a heart attack. I am more comfortable with that version of events.

Felix
   More comfortable?!

Flora
   For his sake. It makes him look less of a fool.

George
   This doesn't change anything.

Flora
   You have said that once already, George.

George
   Your mother and I are still going to be married. Whatever you think.

Rosie
   If it's any consolation, after the wedding, I will be your sister and your daughter will also be your niece. If you weren't fucked up before, this will really send you reeling.

Flora
   Ah, Rosie. Just when the conversation was flagging.

George
   Rosie. Fliss isn't his – you promised me she wasn't –

Flora
   She's not his daughter.

Mercy
   I don't think I can cope. (
Mercy starts to cry silently.
)

George
   Rosie – you said it was that long-haired lad from The Bell. You promised me.

Rosie
   She's Felix's daughter.

Flora
   Not without DNA evidence she's not.

George
   You don't know that for sure, do you? Rosie?

Rosie
   I'm her mother and I know.

Flora
   I'm not a grandmother. She's lying –

Rosie
   I'm not.

George
   But there's no proof, is there, love?

Flora
   Of course there isn't.

Felix
   (
desperate
) Rosie. I have been walking around with this for four weeks. I have b–been trying to rise to this. I have been trying to feel what this feels like. Please don't lie to me.

Rosie
   I'm not lying. After you left, I … I did sleep with a few men –

Flora
   I'm sorry. Forgive me for being pedantic but ‘a few' is not the correct collective noun in this case.

Rosie
   Dad, tell her.

George
   You did put yourself about, Rosie love.