Humble Boy (10 page)

Rosie
   I was heartbroken at the time.

Felix stands up.

Felix
   I'm sorry. This is too much.

Flora
   Sit down. You will not walk out on me again. I deserve more respect from you.

Felix
   Why?

Flora
   Because I am your mother.

Felix
   You have to do a bit of mothering in order to earn that title. And sadly that has never been your strong suit, has it?

Flora
   What?

Felix
   You don't love me, Mother.

George
   Oh, Christ on a bike.

George takes out his headphones and puts them on during the next.

Flora
   Of course I do. You are my son.

Felix
   That doesn't follow. You know that.

Flora
   You're talking nonsense.

Felix
   I am sure you tried. But you couldn't do it.

Rosie
   Love embarrasses you, Felix. You can't turn it into an equation. There is no constant as far as you are concerned. Dad. Take them off.

George
   I'm not listening to his crap.

He turns the music up. He taps away to it.

Mercy
   There is no point in being constant in love. It's seen as a sign of weakness.

Flora
   (
to Mercy
) Oh God! I don't know why you're crying.

Mercy
   I may as well throw the soup away.

Flora
   None of this has anything to do with you.

Rosie
   Oh Mercy, don't cry. It's all right.

Flora
   Take those bloody headphones off right now, George, before I rip them off.

George
   (
he can't hear
) What? (
He takes them off.
)

Rosie
   (
to George
) Mercy's upset.

Mercy
   (
crying
) I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I get these brief bursts of unutterable sadness. I'm taking a herbal remedy.

Rosie
   Are you?

Mercy
   Yes. It's for people who soldier on in the face of complete hopelessness, but it hasn't made any difference –

George
   You've got nothing to cry about, little Mercy.

Flora
   Of course she has. She has never been married, she has no dress sense to speak of and she has always been in love with you, George.

Rosie
   You're a bitch.

Mercy
   (
to Flora
) What?

Flora
   It's true, Mercy.

Mercy
   (
terribly embarrassed
) No! No! No. I have not – I like George, but I have never really – you are very rude to me, Flora.

Rosie
   She thinks she's too good for all of us.

Mercy
   And if you four are anything to go by I'm very glad I've kept myself to myself, thank you very much.

George
   Absolutely.

Mercy
   It's people like you that give people who live in the countryside a bad name.

George
   Hear, hear.

Mercy
   I know that I am a negligible sort of person. But I won't stand for it. I've always looked up to you. Always.

Flora
   You have no life of your own so you constantly leech off mine.

George
   Flora, stop it.

Flora
   I did not choose you to be my friend. It was an accident of geography. Because I am stuck in this bloody awful middle-England middle-class bloody rural bloody idyll.

Felix
   (
with sudden authority
) Stop it, Mother. ENOUGH! That is enough now. You have said enough. We have all said enough. It's a beautiful day and … and I think we should eat now. Whatever our differences – I think we should eat.

Pause.

Perhaps you'd like to say grace for us, Mercy. Then we can eat your delicious soup.

Mercy
   I don't know.

Felix
   Please. We are all going to be calm now. We have exhausted ourselves. See.

Everyone is quiet round the table.

Mercy
   Very well. (
Mercy goes to stand up. She cannot quite look George in the eye.
) I don't have those sort of feelings for you, George.

George
   No, of course not.

Mercy
   So long as you know that.

George
   I know that.

She stands up a little shakily. They all bow their heads, except perhaps Flora.

Mercy
   For what we are about to receive, which none of you really want to eat but which I stayed up till two in the morning to make and I didn't even have any pimentos and had to improvise round them, may the Lord, whether you believe in Him or not, I know you don't, Felix, because you're a scientist so you're not allowed to and anyway I don't know if I do, because of things like James dying in the way that he did and little Felicity not having an identifiable father and the terrible things that Flora has said to me and the little fat bumblebees just dropping down dead from the sky. And I know that what James said about the finite number of heartbeats should be a comfort, but it is not. And maybe I don't have much of a life but up to now God has filled all the gaps but now there do seem to be holes that He can't fill so perhaps you are right, Flora, because even though I still do the flowers in church and my various parish duties really I would say that I was unofficially on a sabbatical from God at the moment because everything is really so unsettling and I'm sick to my heart of trying all the time, trying, trying, trying, and I don't like it, I don't like it at all so may the Lord, even though we're not on speaking terms, make us all, and I mean all of us, truly grateful. Amen.

George
   Amen.

Felix
   Very well put, Mercy.

George
   Let's eat. I'm starving. (
He takes a mouthful.
) It's bloody delicious.

Rosie
   It's got a real zing to it.

Mercy
   There isn't too much seasoning?

Felix
   No. It's just right.

They all eat, making some noises of satisfaction and reassurance for Mercy. Suddenly Flora stops, puts her spoon down.

Flora
   One minute.

Felix
   (
a warning
) Mother?

Flora
   I would really rather prefer it if Felix took his father off the table.

Felix takes the urn off the table. He holds it to him. Mercy watches him.

Mercy
   That's –

Flora
   The remains, yes. He insists that he is not ready to scatter them but I think we can do without them at mealtimes. Thank you, Felix.

Mercy
   No! No! No! Don't eat it! Stop! Don't eat it. I'm sorry.

George
   What's the matter, Merc?

Mercy
   No, please. I forgot a vital ingredient. I did something inadvertent. (
She's grabbing the plates off everyone and pouring the soup back into the tureen.
) It's contaminated. It's dangerous. I'm sorry. Give it back to me at once.

Flora
   I thought you were dying for us to eat it.

Mercy
   No, no, no, I'm not. I'm leaving now. This is a very bad day.

Rosie
   It's lovely, Mercy.

Mercy
   Oh no. No. No. No. Please excuse me. Ignore me. Chat among yourselves. I have to – urgently attend to the fig tart. (
Mercy grabs the tureen and exits.
)

George
   I think she's flipped her lid.

Flora
   You took her part against me.

George
   No I didn't. I feel a bit sorry for her, that's all.

Flora
   Well, some people are just unfortunate, it's not my fault.

Felix
   Mother, go and apologise to her.

Flora
   What?

Felix
   Say sorry to her.

Flora
   I will not.

Felix
   She is lonely and she thinks the world of you. Tell her that you didn't mean it. You'll feel terrible tomorrow if you don't.

Pause. Flora gets up.

George
   Do you want me to come?

Flora
   No, I do not. In any case it won't take long.

Flora exits. The other three are left. George is quite drunk by now. Rosie sits quietly and Felix holds his dead father's ashes.

Rosie
   Well, it's all going very well so far.

George stares at Felix.

George
   What does he look like?

Rosie
   Dad.

George
   Winnie the bloody Pooh! Here, Winnie, I'm going to marry your mother, whatever you –

Rosie
   Dad. Let's change the subject. Talk about something different. There must be something that we can talk about calmly.

Pause that stretches towards a silence.

I know the range of possible topics is fairly limited. But come on. Let's have someone's starter for ten.

Felix
   Glen Miller took a long time to find his sound, didn't he?

George
   Yes.

Pause.

Rosie
   Okay. Another go.

Pause.

George
   Do you know why I called my coach firm the Flying Pyes?

Rosie
   What you going on about, Dad?

George
   No, no, Rosie. It's kosher. He wanted to know this. He asked me.

Felix
   I did, after a fashion.

George
   See, Rosie, love, just a friendly little chit-chat. Go on then, ask me.

Felix
   Why did you call your coach firm the Flying Pyes?

George
   For my dad. (
casually
) He was RAF, flew in the war. Lancasters, Halifaxes, Stirlings. He said the noise of the engines was unbearable – a droning so terrible and the planes were unpressurised and cold, twenty degrees below zero, Fahrenheit that is, so cold you couldn't think. He had to piss into a funnel, the desert lily they called it. They gave them all a survival kit with Horlicks tablets and a Mae West flotation jacket.

Felix
   Really?

George
   Yes, really. See, Rosie, it's all going nicely. We're getting on like a house on fire. May I continue?

Rosie
   Go ahead.

George
   He went on thirty sorties, he flew with two engines gone, he flew with dead and wounded aboard. He baled himself out of fatal spins, where the G-force could suck your insides out. Then one day he was chatting to one of the other pilots, a mate of his, lad from Northampton, queer as a coot apparently, and as he was talking to him he saw his face turn into a skull.

Rosie
   You're making this up!

George
   And this lad, the gayboy, went out on a raid on the Ruhr that night and got himself shot down and killed. And then my dad started seeing it all the time. The skull lurking beneath the face. And every time he saw it in a lad's face he knew the boy wouldn't make it. He could tell from just looking at their faces. In the end they kicked him out, said he couldn't fly any more, he was gutted … LMF. Lack of Moral Fibre. Bastards.

George goes up to Felix. He grabs hold of his face and pulls it closer to him, looks at him.

Rosie
   Dad, stop it right now. You're drunk. Go on. Go away.

George
   No. Just what I thought. (
George lets go of his face dismissively and walks out. Pause.
)

Rosie
   He's harmless really.

Felix
   Mmm.

Pause.

Felix
   Rosie –

Rosie
   No, that subject is vetoed.

Pause.

Felix
   My father once said that a beehive was the blueprint for a Utopia in which the sexual impulse would cease to exist. He must have been going through a difficult time when he said it … But I don't think he was right. I think a hive is a blueprint for a world in which the men are totally useless. The women do all the work and the men, once they've fertilised the women, the men, well … die.

Rosie
   Seems like a good system to me.

Felix
   Clearly.

Rosie
   Felix. What did you expect me to do after you left me? Hie myself to a nunnery?

Felix
   I think you should have told me.

Rosie
   You didn't deserve to know.

Felix
   You used to be straight with me.

Rosie
   Well, things aren't black and white for me any more. That's what it's like to be a parent. Anyway, I don't care what you think of me. I brought up my daughter on my own. She is a credit to me. I am a good person.